Murder & Mayhem - Part One

Hey guys,

here’s the completed version of part one for the Murder & Investigation contest. The * * * are jumps between times, or characters. I wish I could’ve polished this more, and done the transitions in a better way, but I couldn’t think of one! Suggestions are welcome

There are three more parts to come, which will hopefully be full of suspense and mystery. This one poses as an introduction to the characters, mainly focusing on character development and the relationship between the MC (Tibby) and other characters. Don’t hesitate to inform me if you find one of the characters underdeveloped, because I’ll be glad to improve my work! I love getting advice on how to make progress, especially from such intelligent young people as the YWS members

Hope you enjoy!

XxxDo

Ps. The story is in the attachment ...

I really enjoyed the first part of Part 1. I liked how I can relate with Tibby and the relationship of herself and her mother. There were just a few grammar and spelling mistakes that I noticed:

“He’s painting he dog house.”

“He’s painting his dog house.”

Derek’s tone was playful, edging on mocking, and she mused at the laughter in his voice as she remembered the Flip-Flop Incident.

Derek’s tone was playful, edging on mocking, and she mused at the laughter in his voice as she remembered The Flip-Flop Incident.

John became irritable, annoyed at the slightest peep that came out of his infant daughter, loosing his temper is she cried during the night time.

John became irritable, annoyed at the slightest peep that came out of his infant daughter, loosing his temper if she cried during the night time.

“Tibbs has holiday now, yea, so we’ll stop by when everything becomes official and help you move everything.” She replied, then grinned.

“Tibbs has a holiday now, yea, so we’ll stop by when everything becomes official and help you move everything.” She replied, and then grinned.

“She says my damn room isn’t neat enough, and that I have to come home, asap, mind you, and clean up my mess.

“She says my damn room isn’t neat enough, and that I have to come home, ASAP, mind you, and clean up my mess.

The shut the door and set the timer on ten minutes.

She shut the door and set the timer on ten minutes.

If you type your short stories and novels on a Word document and turn the spell check on, you won't get as many type-os and grammar mistakes. Just food for thought.

I just found a few things that I really didn't like all that much. You can choose to leave it the way it is, or you can change it. In the end, you're the author, and I'm just someone who decided to help.

When Derek calls her babe, I get the sense that it's fake. It just sounds so false, and I can't really believe it. Baby, would sound better, or honey or something like that.

Other than that, I really enjoyed that part of your piece. It was very cute, and it really pulled me in. I can't wait until you finish writing it. (Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I would suggest that you send in a shorter piece for the contest. If this was only part of Part 1, than I'm assuming this will be very long. Not bad, but just too much too read for a contest.)

Good job and keep up the good work! I can't wait for the rest of the story to be posted!

Thank you for the comment!!

Good advice, thank you

I'll consider changing "babe" into something else, because it is in no way meant to sound fake! Thanks for pointing it out and taking the time to read my story. More should be up in a week, when I get back from holiday. (If I survive a week without internet connection, that is ) Anyway, thank you for commenting

*Huggles*

XxxDo

EDIT: I've rewritten the whole thing, including the 'babe' issue

The promised critique:

Overall Comments

You know I love you, Ally. So... don't kill me for this?

Think More TV Show

Take a look at this:

She set the timer on ten minutes, and adjusted the temperatures. Pressing the start button she reached out and retrieved two plates from the cupboard that hung over the counter, preparing to set the table.

Now tell me – what was the point???

I'm sorry, Ally. But this piece – it bored me. Soooo much. I was forcing myself to read it.

I know why you did it – you wanted us to get to know your characters – but do it while you expand on the plot.

Every single sentence you write should be moving the plot alone. If it's not? Ditch it. It's boring, and will make your reader leave.

Sure, you can have some extra things, but don't go overboard. In TV shows, do they show the door of the bathroom while we wait for them? No. But if there's a guy shaving for the first time even though he doesn't need to 'cause his dad had a heart attack and his big brother moved out leaving him the 'man of the house,' they show that, because it progresses the plot and shows more of his character. (That last example was Simon from 7th Heaven. XD)

Think Less TV Show

Yes, I am contradicting myself. Deal. XD

Basically? Your characters are too perfect. Too... Gilmore Girls.

You're showing what you have in life or what you want, but to an unrealistic degree. You're trying to make the perfect guy, the one who loves his girlfriend unconditionally, is the 'bad skater boy' with her, can hang out with her mother, then reads all day long.

Just... realize that this can't be your fairytale life. Make it more realistic.

Last Notes

Just look over what I repeated over and over in the nit-picks. XD

This is written really well, it's just... mundane. Sorry. XD

Nit-picks in the attachment.

PM me for anything at all.

~JFW1415

Thanks for the review!!!

Nearly died when I read it, though

Xxx

Hey, I'm in the middle of working through this now =] I'll be a while but I know we have until 20th September to finish this now. I'm in the competition too, I should be giving you bad advice!

I'll be a couple days, just thought I'd let you know I'm doing it though.

Thanks !! Haha

XxxDo

Ps. Want me to check yours out??? Then we can give eachother bad advice haha

Woo I finally finished this. Right, I have a big line by line thing in the attachment, but I'll make some more general comments here.

I have to agree a bit with JFW1415. It was a bit of a drag. There was a LOT of really pointless description, all that stuff with her putting in her pony tail, making lunch, buying cereal... it was just needless and boring and there didn't seem much point to it. You could have got across their characters in half the space you did.

You seem to explain in too much detail. I mean, detail is good and fine and necessary, but not to the point of boredom. Assume the reader has a pretty good idea of what life is like. They understand about the pain of stubbing your toe, or how someone puts a bobble on their hair and things like that.

Your characters are good, I like Tammy because she's sweet and happy. The problem I have sometimes is that her and her mum, and her and Derek are a bit yucky. There's kind of a bleugh-factor with all their lovin cuddling, her eyes all full of adoration and joy. I want some sort of realism here. No one has such a perfect relationship. It's like her life is utterly perfect and that just bugs me more than anything. It's okay to have a good life in a story, but I don't want a million details about it because it's just not really that interesting.

I think you have a good background though. I like the story about her father and I like Derek's mad controlling parents. If you just made it more real and less sugar coated and adorable then this might be a better stoy.

Don't feel bad from this though. Your writing style is nice, if a bit clogged and slow, so if you cut out a lot of the rambling on it'd just fix it right up. Your story in general paints a good picture, I'm kind of looking forward to the next part just to see what happens to their lovely lives (and how it gets broken by this murder that's coming!)

Anyway, here's your big thing. I found a very small amount of errors like double spaces or typos and stuff... here you go =]

Thank you!!! Sorry about the length of the story, I have a very hard to suppress tendency to write in too much detail

I'm editing it, big time, right now

I'm glad you found the flip-flop incident thing amusing, 'cause its based on a true story of my best friend and I in town, and she was in flip flops when this massive storm hit haha! Of course we were really far away from the busstation, where we had a bus to catch It was a hilarious scene, especially for onlookers haha

XxxDo