Barren Lands

Barren Lands

A new dawn is approaching,
it's light shines through my fingers.
But still, a sorrowful wind still blows.

Far away, a child cries,
With nothing but the skies to comfort him.
His sadness echoes through the dark,
Sadly, I could not do anything.

I hear the withering trees,
whispering their secrets in the air.
Iya i iya, they sing,
as birds take their flight.

My worn-out feet sink into barren land,
I reach for the distant sun.
There is an unpredictable fate waiting for me,
I see it through my half-blinded eyes.

We are crying,
unheard in the light.
My lips call out for godly consolation,
for in this world,
there is no such thing as Eden.

When will the flowers grow?

Wow. This is some pretty deep stuff. Okay, here's my edit:

Lil_Pau wrote:A new dawn is approaching,
its (no apostrophe for "its") light shines through my fingers.
But still, a sorrowful wind still blows.

Far away, a child cries,
With nothing but the skies to comfort him.
His sadness echoes through the dark. (I think the next line should be its own sentence)
Sadly, I can (the poem is present tense, "could" is past tense) not do anything.

I hear the withering trees (commas seperate two different ideas in the same sentence, this is one idea)
whispering their secrets in the air.
Iya i iya, they sing,
as birds take their flight.

My worn-out feet sink into barren land,
I reach for the distant sun.
There is an unpredictable fate waiting for me,
I see it through my half-blinded eyes. (Love this stanza!)

We are crying,
unheard in the light.
My lips call out for godly consolation,
for in this world (again no comma)
there is no such thing as Eden. (and I love this one too!)

When will the flowers grow?

The first two lines optimistically say that better days are coming, then the third line skillfully changes the tone to pessimism. The rest of the poem is all gloomy, but the poem sort of comes full circle and refers to the beginning by asking when will the new dawn come (and allow the flowers to grow). That takes pretty good craftsmanship

Lil_Pau wrote:A new dawn is approaching, - Punctuation. Note below.
its light shines through my fingers. - No apostrophe in 'its' when it doesn't mean 'it is'.
But still, a sorrowful wind still blows. - Repetition of 'still' jars.

I'm going to type out the first sentence:

A new dawn is approaching, its light shines through my fingers.

Do you see the comma splice? It's separating two sentences that can stand completely on their own. There are cases where the comma can be used like this, but a semi-colon or even a dash would be better here.

See what jMin said as regards the second and third stanzas.

My worn-out feet sink into barren land. - A comma wouldn't work here.
I reach for the distant sun.
There is an unpredictable fate waiting for me. - A comma wouldn't work here either.
I see it through my half-blinded eyes.

I like this stanza too. However, the punctuation changes here leave it as four separate sentences and I'm not sure if you'll like it that way. To make it flow a little more, you could try:

My worn-out feet sink into barren land
as I reach for the distant sun.

or

There is an unpredictable fate waiting for me,
seen through my half-blinded eyes. (A little awkward.)

As has already been said, the change of tone was brilliant.

I liked this poem, especially the last line.

Overall, I really liked this. The only things I noticed were the "it's" in the first stanza should be "its" and some of your words were odd.

There is an unpredictable fate waiting for me

This line seems clunky to me. A five syllable word and a "there is" which adds nothing to the action? It just totally jammed the flow. How about "An unknown fate waits for me" or something to that effect?

My lips call out for godly consolation

Once again, this line stands out for all the wrong reasons. The rest of this stanza has short lines and small words, so this one doesn't fit and screws up the flow. Either split it into two lines and/or find a shorter word to replace "consolation". Perhaps it's just me, but I don't like big words in poetry, especially when the rest of the poem uses simple words so beautifully.

One last thing I noticed: You repeated "still" twice in the last line of the first stanza. It only needs one. Pick whichever one you want to keep and take the other one out.

Other than that, great job! I especially liked the part about the trees singing. Keep writing!