My Inked Hands

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It was dark and I was on my knees, my hands pressing against the chest of my dear friend. My friend was hurt badly. Bleeding from the chest. My dear friend’s eyes were closed and the black blood was starting to seep through my fingers.

“Hang on,” I heard myself say. “Just hang on. It’s only a scratch.”

My friend’s breathing were shallow, his face crunching up in pain. “Just… a scratch…” he said.

He needed help, but no one on this planet could do anything without thinking I was some insane person. “Just…” I looked around frantically. We were just outside my home. I could go in and get paper… “Just press against the wound!” I shouted, staggering to my feet. “I’ll go get paper,” I hoped I was doing to right thing.

Inside my home, I stormed my own bedroom and pulled out notebook. “Paper, paper, paper…”I cursed softly under my breath. No clean paper. At that moment I heard thunder just outside. My heart sank. “Oh no.” Running up to a window, I saw rain clouds forming. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!”

I ran about my home, tossing my folders out, raiding my computer desk, and looking under my bed. Funny, how whenever you need a new, clean sheet of paper, I could never find one. “Dammit!!” I cursed and raced outside. For right now, I had to get my friend inside. It took me a couple of minute to get to my friend. Around here, the weather changes quickly.

Outside, rain was starting to sprinkle the pavement, making it look darker with each drop. “Can you walk?” I asked stupidly, kneeling down on my knees and wrapping one of his arms over my neck.

“Just a scratch,” he said groggily. His hand was still pressed against his chest, but it was covered with black ink. He winced when a droplet of water hit his face. “Rain…?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know! Just try to work with me here,” I panicked when the droplets became more and more frequent. I began walking with him, back to my place. But my friend was far to weak. He would stumble and trip over the smallest of things. I ignored the possible permanent damage the ink might do to my shirt and tried to get my dear friend to limp.

Instead, he laughed softly to himself and looked up at the rainy clouds. “This is… my first time… being out in the rain.” As he said that a droplet hit him several time on the face and he began bleeding more. He faced me and grinned painfully, black ink running down his face.

“Stop looking up!” I snapped at him. In my hurry to get him inside, I guess I should have noticed the puddle in front of us. But I didn’t. When I tried running over it, my foot twisted at the slipperiness and both me and my friend fell on our backs. Unlike most people, my friend shrieked at the contact of water. I scrambled on all fours and tried lifting him up, but it was too late. Much like ink on paper, he began to fade. His inky body just slipped through my hands. “No, no, no, no!!!”

In a couple of seconds, my greatest creation and my best friend was nothing more than a black puddle of ink in my yard. All I had were my inked hands.

Now who’s going to tell my story to the world?

-Poppy Mare
I want to do many, many things with my life, but I'm way too scared to really say. Writing, I guess is a way of being able to so all the things I want and not worry about being hurt.




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Ah, the plight of the writer and the curse of runny ink.

Very nice story here. I liked the way you literally personified a writing project. Or was it a character? Either way, it was very nice.

My big critique would be about the repeated use of the word "friend." You say it three times in four sentences in the first paragraph and it is sprinkled throughout the rest of the piece. Is there anything you could use to replace it? Can you name the "friend" without giving anything away?

Also: What happened in the beginning that there would be a fatal wound in the story/character? I'm curious... It could be explained a little bit more. Unless it was the rain that did it...

Anyway, I really liked this. The innocence of the friend as they are in the rain for the first time is great. Hearty cheers from me on your excellent work!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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I loved it! I like how you put in a character as another living being. I've been toying with the same idea for months now but I never got down to writing it. You put in one aspect I didn't think about - the ink. Hooray for originality!

I'm putting a gold star on this!

Oh, and welcome to YWS. :wink:
Always act like a duck on water; appear calm and unruffled, but paddle like the devil underneath.




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Wow. Very unique. I'm guessing you are describing, like GryphonFledgling said, a writing project that you worked so hard on, yet never trully finished. Or something like that??

Otherwise, very origional. I only noticed a few things:

First, in the first paragraph, you say "My friend" or "Dear friend" frequently, starting almost every sentence with it. It got very repetivie. I would advise using "he", as you called him.

My friend was hurt badly. Bleeding from the chest.


Now, I think you should combine these two sentences. Try: My friend was hurt badly--bleeding from the chest. Or use a semicolon instead of a dash.

“I’ll go get paper,” I hoped I was doing to right thing.


No need for the comma after "paper". Scratch that :wink:

Besides all that, this was very good.

Keep Writing! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Feel free to disregard anything I say--you are the author in the end! :)


“Hang on,” I heard myself say. “Just hang on. It’s only a scratch.”

Okay, this one is really my personal preference, but I hate it when dialogue is described in the "I heard myself say" way. It makes me feel as if the character is surprised to hear themselves say what they were going to say...

I ran about my home

over the smallest of things

These sections, to me, are a bit awkward. Just in the way that they don't fit in the way you speak throughout the rest of the piece. Keep it consistent.

“No, no, no, no!!!”

Aah! More than one exclamation point! *faints*
:wink:

Now who’s going to tell my story to the world?

I love this ending, but I feel as if there should be one more sentence or so preceding it. It's kind of an abrupt change from the story.

------------------------
I only skimmed the other critiques, so my aplogies if I repeat what has been said somewhat.

What makes this story work is your brilliant idea of having your MC's character as a character in the story, bleeding ink. Very nice. This is what makes this work. Having said that, that may be why at first I assumed your writing was just as good. But you have a bit to do on the actual writing.

You use adverbs a lot. Not just in dialogue tags, as a lot of writers do but also throughout the narration. This is telling us whats going on instead of showing us, which you must strive to do. I'll give you just one example. You do the rest on your own...
He faced me and grinned painfully, black ink running down his face.

Painfully, hmmm. How can we show pain?...(sorry if this isn't very good...)
He faced me and showed his teeth in what seemed to be an attempt at a grin. Not a very good one though; the pain was there in every frown line, in every hair of his dipped eyebrows, in between each clenched tooth. The ink slid in thin black snakes, slithering down the sides of his worried face.
Get it? Got it. Good.

You're lucky. You have a brilliant piece to show us. It's just screaming out for imagery. Let's have some! The ink, the rain, it all lends itself to the five senses. We want to be there with the characters; take us there.

One thing: you always call the character "my friend." Switch it up a bit and use other names besides this. It gets repetitive.

This made me extremely curious why he was bleeding so much. You did a great job, despite all I said. And once you touch it up, it will be brilliant. I'll give you a gold star on account of how good your idea was. Also--I was kind of disappointed that I already knew it was ink when it began from your title and subject line. Don't give it away! You only tell us it's ink halfway through the story. It'd be great if it were a surprise. :)

Good luck and PM me with any questions.

--GML--
"Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down." --Ray Bradbury




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I liked this, too. I think it's a new and fresh idea - so kudos to you there.
I think your dialogue was realistic (well, I don't know if 'realistic' fits, in a story like this) and had the right aspects of tension.
“Yeah, yeah, I know! Just try to work with me here,”

When reading the above, I could just picture it all - very effective.
One thing, though - the prose itself didn't have the same panicky tone as the dialogue. It is almost removed, resigned, if you get me.

In a couple of seconds, my greatest creation and my best friend was nothing more than a black puddle of ink in my yard. All I had were my inked hands.

Hmmm, good summary - but it kind of came out of nowhere.




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Wow! This is such a cool idea! Just one question, though. Were you describing a character or a story? Either way, this was incredibly interesting to read.

-Nitpicks- (take/leave what you want. You are teh almighty creator :P)

It was dark and I was on my knees, my hands pressing against the chest of my dear friend. My friend was hurt badly. Bleeding from the chest. My dear friend’s eyes were closed and the black blood was starting to seep through my fingers. You've already used "friend" 3 times... might want to change the noun.

“Hang on,” I heard myself say. “Just hang on. It’s only a scratch.”


My friend’s breathing were shallow, his face crunching up in pain. “Just… a scratch…” he said. Maybe try "repeated?"


He needed help, but no one on this planet could do anything without thinking I was some insane person. “Just…” I looked around frantically. We were just outside my home. I could go in and get paper… “Just press against the wound!” I shouted, staggering to my feet. “I’ll go get paper,” I hoped I was doing to right thing.


Inside my home, I stormed my own bedroom and pulled out notebook. “Paper, paper, paper…”I cursed softly under my breath. No clean paper. At that moment I heard thunder just outside. My heart sank. “Oh no.” Running up to a window, I saw rain clouds forming. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!”


I ran about my home, tossing my folders out, raiding my computer desk, and looking under my bed. Funny, how whenever you need a new, clean sheet of paper, I could never find one. “Dammit!!” I cursed and raced outside. For right now, I had to get my friend inside. It took me a couple of minute to get to my friend. Around here, the weather changes quickly. That bit sounded choppy and slightly unnessasary. Might want to combine the first 2 sentences and omit the 3rd.

Outside, rain was starting to sprinkle the pavement, making it look darker with each drop. “Can you walk?” I asked stupidly, kneeling down on my knees and wrapping one of his arms over my neck. Sounds a bit awkward...


“Just a scratch,” he said groggily. His hand was still pressed against his chest, but it was covered with black ink. He winced when a droplet of water hit his face. “Rain…?”


“Yeah, yeah, I know! Just try to work with me here,” I panicked when the droplets became more and more frequent. I began walking with him, back to my place. But my friend was far to weak. He would stumble and trip over the smallest of things. I ignored the possible permanent damage the ink might do to my shirt and tried to get my dear friend to limp.


Instead, he laughed softly to himself and looked up at the rainy clouds. “This is… my first time… being out in the rain.” As he said that a droplet hit him several time on the face and he began bleeding more. He faced me and grinned painfully, black ink running down his face.


“Stop looking up!” I snapped at him. In my hurry to get him inside, I guess I should have noticed the puddle in front of us. But I didn’t. When I tried running over it, my foot twisted at the slipperiness and both me and my friend fell on our backs. Unlike most people, my friend shrieked at the contact of water. I scrambled on all fours and tried lifting him up, but it was too late. Much like ink on paper, he began to fade. His inky body just slipped through my hands. “No, no, no, no!!!” Sounds repetative

In a couple of seconds, my greatest creation and my best friend was nothing more than a black puddle of ink in my yard. All I had were my inked hands. It sort of detracts from the moment...

Now who’s going to tell my story to the world?


-----
I really enjoyed it. Great ending.
Harry Potter=LOVE
"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible." ~Vladimir Nabakov



Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and the shadows will fall beyond you.
— Walt Whitman