Rrashika- prologue

PROLOGUE
The Tale

From the beginning, God has had his angels by his side. With no free will, He has ruled over them. He tends to them, as he does us. When he created the Earth, he put man upon it. The first of us made mistakes, as will the last of us. But over the years, we have turned against ourselves and made war. God sent angels down to Earth, to protect the innocent. The angels did this over the years. When God called them back to the heavens, one pleaded with him " Oh Lord almighty! let me stay! I have seen what these people do and I wish to continue serving you on this planet!" God let the angel stay, and gave him free will. He called the angel Mathias.

soon Mathias fell in love with a women and got married. They had 3 sons and 2 daughters. All of their children were excellent fighters. The other people in the town thought that Mathias and his family were possessed, for even his daughters could defeat a grown warrior in battle. They were outcast into the forest and called the "Rrashika"

many believed the Rrashika were invincible, even immortal. But a very clan called the Somalians were angered by these statements and set out to kill the Rrashikains. So one night the Somalians snuck into their camp and murdered them in their sleep. The Somalians crept away, thinking that the Rrashikains were all dead. But the youngest of the sons was hiding in the bushes. Over the years, the Rrashikains slipped out of history, but they always were there, doing the job their forfather promised to the Lord.



more to come CHAPTER 1 The Finding

Hello, and welcome to YWS. Before I critique this, I want you to know that you are supposed to critique (or read and review) two stories/poems before you submit one of yours. Hurry and do that before the moderators catch you!

But while I'm here...

From the beginning, God has had his angels [s]by[/s] at [s]his[/s] His side.

The first sentence of a story is probably the most important sentence of the whole story. This is a really good starter. It brings us deep into your world, and introduces us to the theme.

With no free will, He has ruled over them. He tends to them, as [s]he[/s] He does us.

One of the biggest problems with prologues like this is that you are telling us. Instead of telling us that God tends to angels and humans, how about showing us?

For example, take this sentence.

The cat was brown.

It's very, incredibly dull. It's telling us that a random cat was brown. How boring. Who cares if a cat is brown?

How about this?

The cat gracefully danced in its brown fur, purring proudly.

This sentence is showing us. No, it's not showing us that it has brown fur, but it's giving us more detail than the original sentence has. It gives us personality of the cat.

Your problem is that you're using passive, telling sentences. Don't. Go back and rewrite this, showing us. Include this with a story of an angel. The last paragraph of this could easily be transferred into a short prologue of its own. That way would be showing us, which is what we want. Make this interesting, not dull.

Nit-Picks:

[s]soon[/s] Soon Mathias fell in love with a women and got married.

They had [s]3[/s] three sons and [s]2[/s] two daughters.

[s]many[/s] Many believed the Rrashika were invincible, even immortal.

Over the years, the Rrashikains slipped out of history, but they always were there, doing the job their [s]forfather[/s] forefather promised to the Lord.

This is a good start, but remember to show us, and not tell.

-Jared

Wow, nice work. Welcome to YWS, I like this peice, not only because im a avide christian, but I can see a whole novel branching from it. Very nice idea.

Your very creative, and keep on writing!

i'll be watching this one.

nice job, speaker head.
put your internal music on pause.
this is an interesting idea. try to follow up with your bursting creativity. it sounds familiar, but i don't know from where. watch how close you come to other works...need to stay original...

i know you're the spelling bee champion [note sarcasm], so watch how you spell things...
Keep up the good work! try not to be too weird. you might scare somebody


-me.

ok. this is officially the worst story ever. Im not gonna write anymore of it. if your reading this you already know it's horrible.



sincerely-myself

I have to disagree with you, Hobbes. It's not a horrible story idea. I think it's brilliant! Everyone has their let downs and their opinions. There's always going to be people out that are going to tell you that your work isn't good enough or that it needs this and that. It happens to everyone! Instead of throwing away your ideas, expand on them! GO FOR IT!! Write what you want to write and take people's suggestions as mere opinions that may or may not help you. But don't give up! Try to understand what people are saying and don't let other people's words get the best of you!!

Keep on writing!!

You say this is the worst idea ever, but I don't think it's that bad. It's actually kind of good.

Like everyone else said you have to show us instead of tell. If you must tell this part I would only do so for the first two paragraphs, but have it in dialog later in the story. This could lead to the character's past not being known for a while, but the readers would become curious.

Anyway, you don't need to be so harsh about your ideas. I've had my own ideas that I've started that were terrible (and yours isn't even that bad), but through doing them you gain experience, and that's better than nothing. Anyway, keep it up.