Dust to Dust.

If, in some deep, unthought of place,
The dead could congregate with grace,
They'd shuffle, wartorn, timid, bold,
All breathless in the dusty cold,
Of every race, creed and kin,
Whatever the shade of their frozen skin,
Regardless of their spoken tongue
And whether they died old or young,
Once, by labels, they were bound...
but now, could they find a common ground?
Although they may not all have met,
Each heart is full of fond regret,
Their bodies drained of lively heat
And every heart has ceased to beat.
Each face, bloodied, muddied or clean,
Is riddled with the same pale sheen.
Would they watch us all, alive?
Thrive or struggle to survive,
Each unnecessary breath,
(silenced soon enough by Death)?
Watch us, judge us, dull and clever
And gossip of their own endeavour?
I wonder, would they lightly chatter
Of drug research, machine gun clatter,
Love, life and slow demise,
A light now faded from their eyes,
Pets and wives, a wedding day...
For as they all have passed away
They may just speak the same tongue now.
Two soldiers might shake hands, somehow.
Perhaps they're equal in that cold, damp must
Like ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.

i don't know if we're allowed to repost edited work... this one is from ages ago, but it's still one of my favourites, and i've made changes that i'm very please with! Please read and enjoy...

Hmmm. . .first impressions: nearly perfect!

Second impression: nearly perfect, but here are some things to think about.

First line. I don't actually think "unthought of" is grammatically correct, but I'm not exactly what you'd call a grammar ninja. . .

Eighth line: you've said "old or young" twice now. Try something different, like "Old wrinkled hands held smooth and young" or something, just so they're not right nect to each other twice like that.

Second to last line: doesn't fit with the rhyme scheme. Try "perhaps they're equal in cold, damp must." Which brings me to another thing. Is it really damp? Seems to me it would be dry, or dull, or dead. The whole situation doesn't seen altogether too wet to me.

Last line: lovely.

Whoa. Aussie kinda summed it up for me, but I don't think you have any errors. I haven't really seen anyone write about this before, so I like it. I really do. Your flow was really smooth, so it was easy to read. You painted a picture in my mind, so I solute you!

Good job. Once again!

_WFL_

This is a very enjoyable piece of work. The way you write this is very unique and I liked it. Keep it up!

Liked the biblical allusion! The AABBCC... rhyming scheme gives the poem a pretty cool and energetic rap feeling to it. Also, the lack of periods made this poem a run-on rant about death, which goes well with the idea of being desperate and anxious when thinking about the inevitability of death. But you should really fix the second-to-last line, it doesn't work.

I thought this was fantastic. I dont have a single critic. Marvelous. Excellent word choice, and I can really feel the pressence and hear the conversation. Its a wonderful new look that isnt already over-written by others. I like the idea behind it, and you made it work very well.

I'm going to review in a quote so I can score words out and so on.

I'm not going to comment on this in the review because it's just something for you to note, but you use a lot of commas. Maybe you could have another read-through and see if there are any unnecessary instances where you use them?

Also, rhythm. If I score out or add words, it'll probably be because it helps the rhythm in some way. You generally have eight syllables in a line, so I'll work with that.

Charliebo wrote:If, in some deep, unthought of place,
The dead could congregate with grace,
They'd shuffle, wartorn, timid, bold,
All breathless in the dusty cold,
Of every race and creed and kin,
Whatever [s]the [/s]shade of [s]their [/s]frozen skin,
Regardless of their spoken tongue
And whether they died old or young,
Once, by labels, they were bound...
but now, could they find [s]a [/s]common ground?
Although they may not all have met,
Each heart is full of fond regret,
Their bodies drained of lively heat,
Every heart having ceased to beat,
Each face, bloodied, muddied, clean, - Like the internal rhyme and the contrast.
Is riddled with the same pale sheen. - 'Riddled' is a strange choice here.

This next section is really a series of questions, although you haven't used question marks. I've added them in, although you don't necessarily need so many. Some could possibly be substituted with commas.

Would they watch all of us, alive?
Laugh at each endearing strive?
At each unnecessary breath
(silenced soon enough by Death)? - Love this line.
Watch us, judge us, dull and clever,
And gossip of their own endeavour?

This next section, the number of syllables jumps all over the place. It's more difficult to fix the rhythm here.

I wonder would they lightly chatter
Of drug research and a machine gun's clatter? - I think it's the rhyme making it awkward here.
Of love and life and slow demise,
Of [s]a [/s]light now faded from their eyes,
Of pets and wives, [s]and [/s]a wedding day?
For as they all have passed away, - Added comma.
They may just speak the same tongue now. - Full stop.
Two soldiers might shake hands, somehow. - Full stop.
Perhaps they're equal in that [s]cold,[/s] damp must, - Either 'damp' or 'that' here fits the rhythm.
Like ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.

Overall:

Although punctuation and rhythm could take another look, your poem is interesting, unusual and well-written. I loved it!

First thought: wow I really liked it. Im new here and I haven't read to many of the written works on here, but this is really interesting. it makes me think to a certain extent. It puts a picture in my head, but it's a fuzzy picture, not all to clear. I really did like it though. I haven't picked it to pieces like I have a tendacy to do, but I'm sure I will. You are a talented writer, and you did an awesome job.

It seems you have practically nothing but good reviews, and I am no different! I loved it!

Just one small point I would raise:

Would they watch us all, alive?

Laugh at each endearing strive,

Although Sapphire already pointed out the question marks, I just query the word 'strive', which is a verb, not a noun. I know you want it to rhyme with alive, but i wonder if it was possible to change that word or line because I don't think it works just because of that annoying little verb at the end! But, I also can't think of anything to suggest to change it to, so sorry about that!

Overall I loved it though!

Wow, my first impression of this was definitely a good one.

Nice rythm, doesn't stray from it much, the rhyming for the most part is natural, which I know is hard to do.

Can't find much wrong with it actually, it's all good. I like the concept of all the dead being lonely together, and whatnot. Made me shiver a little, actually. I get a very vivid image, I love deathly poems that aren't meant to be directly lugubrious.

Overall I rather enjoyed reading that actually, good job.

First off it was excellent. But you didnt travell all the way to YWS for praise, you came for a critique.Since previous posts have already covered all the bases i will just add a small tidbit that was bugging me slightly:

Each face, bloodied, muddied, clean, - I think i misunderstood this line, i took it to mean they were each different. Just hoping to clarify that.

9/10- perfect at first glance Well done!

*EDIT*- I have found myself coming back to this page to reread your work, There is nothing wrong, no errors, it was indeed perfect. First glances may be wrong this time indeed it was

10/10

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I think I can, I think I can, I know I bloody can!

really nice job, i think i can speak for everyone else who has posted on this. =] uhm, i was just wondering..... is this supposed to be heaven or hell? i can't tell. but either way, AMAZING JOB!!!!!

Big thanks to all of those who have commented on this piece - it's amazing when you realise how impartial and constructive views can make such a huge difference to a poem. Especially as the difference is made of thinds that i was blind to on my own.

Thanks.

wow........that's really beautiful and full of meaning. it's great. you should get it published in some kind of poetry book. I actually have one of my own silly poems in a book called "Twilight Musings".... i was surprised they actually wanted it in their book because it's silly, but every now and then a famous poet once wrote a humorous poem, didn't they?

anyways...i'm completely new here. I'd love to make friends with anyone, so please add me if you read this. (is this anything at all like myspace...you know, adding friends? or can you just join groups?)

Oh, and also, it's not heaven or hell - they're just dead. I was really wondering whether perhaps everybody meets once they die... i dunno, it made lots of sense in my head.

Also, my sister told me recently about a book called 'the five people you meet in heaven' or something like that. They are the five people that have changed your life in some important way, and they talk you through it all. I think that was it. Anyway, i really regret not having that idea before the author did!! Because that would be way cooler then everybody just meeting!