A no-name Prologue

I don't think I'll put up the whole story on here. I just want to know what you all think of the prologue. Doesn't really explain much. And I don't have any clue where this story is going. Please tell me what you think! I really want comments!!!!!! Thank you!

P:S: I also think it might be too cliche...I don't know.
P:S2: I also just realized that some stuff in this prologue doesn't make any sense. >_<

Prologue

I stood alone as I watched the silver BMW pull out of my driveway. Tattered, brown boxes were crammed inside the car, hiding the boy with shaggy, blond hair from view.

His light blue eyes stared at me through the backseat window, grief and longing filling them. His hands pressed against the tinted glass.

My friend of six years was leaving.

He had refused to move to Pennsylvania. He didn’t want to leave the place where he grew up and where he made friends. But, he had no choice in the matter. So now, the boy stared back at me, his mom driving the last of their stuff away.

I stuck my hands in my pockets and watched the car turn right at the end of our street.

With a final wave and a sad smile, my best friend disappeared around the bend.

Hey writ3rindisguis3!

crammed the inside cabin,

Saying 'cabin' confused me. Isn't it a car, not a cabin? Hehe

With a final wave and a sad smile, my best friend disappeared around the bend.

You said sad a couple sentences earlier, so I'd suggest to use a different word. You could use miserable, gloomy, heartbreaking... or whatever.

Overall
This wasn't bad. It was a little bit cliche, but oh well. The actual story depends on if it really is a cliche. You have some good words in there, and you are doing a great job showing emotions instead of telling them.

P:S: I also think it might be too cliche...I don't know.

I think you are okay. There is a lot of stories about friends leaving, but you could make it more orginal by what happens next.

P:S2: I also just realized that some stuff in this prologue doesn't make any sense. >_<

There isn't anything I didn't get, I am not sure what you think doesn't make sense. Anyways, if something doesn't make sense to you, prologues are usually that way. You can explain that in the acual story.


PM me when you post more.

~Mateeah

Hey, this was pretty good!
mateeah, the part of a car you sit in is considered a cabin, I beleive, at least with pick-up trucks it is...
Keep it up!

I doubt you'll end up needing this prologue. It doesn't tell much; I'm sure you can just begin your story and add this scene into the actual story.

Tattered, brown boxes crammed the inside cabin, hiding the shaggy, blond haired boy from view.

I would change it to Tattered, brown boxes were crammed inside the cabin, hiding the boy with shaggy, blond hair from view.

His light blue eyes stared at me through the backseat window, sadness and longing filling them. His hands pressed against the tinted glass.

I know this is nit-picky, but can the MC actually see his eyes if the glass is tinted?

He had refused to move to Pennsylvania. He didn’t want to leave the place where he grew up and where he made friends.

But, he had no choice in the matter. So now, the blue-eyed boy stared back at me, his mom driving the last of their stuff away.

I would combine these paragraphs. And you already told us he had blue eyes. Remember, too much physical description of characters can be bad. So you definitely don't need to repeat yourself.
---

This whole thing is borderline cliche. You don't really have any unique descriptions for one, and a friend just moving away isn't that exciting. LIke I said before, you may be better off without a prologue--just to get a pace that is good.

Good luck!

In a way this is almost like a flashback. Prologues tell of now and whats happening without giving away the actual story away. Although the emotions you portray are real they just don't really connect with the reader's mind. Why should the reader care that the MC's best friend was leaving for Pennsylvania?
(yay I live in Pennsylvania) What was their relationship like? Were they in love? If they were maybe the story will be more worthwhile reading when you start it. Maybe they hated each other at first but something bought them together. I don't know, figure something out. You have a good start but it doesn't quite hook me. Prologues are supposed to make readers thirst for more. You have all the qualities except anticipation. Keep writing and I'm sure you'll come up with something a little better,
Angel

Hi. This was a bit short, put looked pretty proffesional and well-structured, in my opinion. I just don't like how short and snappy the sentences are - it prevents me from fully getting into the text. However, it still has good imagery -

His light blue eyes stared at me through the backseat window, sadness and longing filling them. His hands pressed against the tinted glass..

You know what it reminds me of? Something a director might write for a movie - concise, setting the mood, but not laden with description and prose. That's just a feeling I'm getting!
I think you've done well - just expand it.

P.S. - About your P.S.

Stop being so modest! You needn't beat down your work to make us feel better - if there's something wrong, don't worry, we'll say! Honestly, I think you're too hard on yourself.

Hey

This is the first piece I've read since I've joined the site today and I have to say how impressed I am. While reading this I could imagine me sitting in my bedroom reading it out of a paperback and I actually felt disappointed when it came to an end.

I prefer to write in the first person narrative as you have here as I find there are a lot more ways you can divulge feelings and emotions without losing yourself in too many adjectives and descriptions. I think you definitely hit the nail on the head choosing this style...well done!

The other thing I noticed was to a very high standard was the varied sentence length and structure. It broke up the text and made it easier to digest, so to speak.

I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this prologue!

Olivia
xxx

Thanks for all the reviews guys. Yeah, I guess I was being a little hard on myslef.

I recently decided that this is going to become a flashback in my story. My original plan was to feed off this prologue and just write a story from there. Well, that didn't work. I had no climax and it really was cliche. The I got this fabulous idea and so this prologue is going to become something entirely different.

The "cabin" situation is a little bit odd. It is the interior of the car not a plane. I'll have to fix that too.

My first chapter of this story was really cliche. She sees the boy and they become friends again. That was really boring. So, I'm doing something different.

I think I will post some chapters on here. I'm going to put up the new prologue soon! Yay!

P:S2: I also just realized that some stuff in this prologue doesn't make any sense. >_<

There isn't anything I didn't get, I am not sure what you think doesn't make sense. Anyways, if something doesn't make sense to you, prologues are usually that way. You can explain that in the acual story.

Well, see I was saying how the boy was hidden from view. Like you couldn't see him at all and yet she sees him out the back window. I was originally going to make the boy sit in the front with his mom, and I got a little sidetracked.

Thank you once again for reading this prologue!

Anyone going to do JulNoWriMo?????????? (July Novel Writing Month)

Becca