It's My Fault

It’s My Fault.

It was the second to last day of school, I was excited. I always love to hang out with my friends Carly and Megan during school. They are the only friends I have at this school because all my other friends I left in another state.
My dad and I move a lot since mom died 2 years ago. I love my dad don’t get me wrong but moving every year or sooner is awful to me. My first school was a public school. My dad wanted me to go to military school but I didn’t want to. It was his dream for me to be a soldier in the navy but not mine.
We are now living in California. I really like it but people don’t seem to like me except for the two special people Carly and Megan. When school began it was about 105 degrees outside and all my makeup was running down my face because I was sweating so much. When I walked in school everyone thought I was crying because of my eyeliner running down my face.
Then my friend Megan asked what was wrong I said, “I am sweating. Its so hot today.”
“Tell me about it. At least it’s a half-day. “ When the bell rang I went to my homeroom than my stupid Bio class. I hate biology because I suck at it and the teacher is just evil.
The only reason I took this class is because I moved and they placed me in it again. It really does suck. The teacher gives me a question and when I answer it right she says it wrong. If I say black she says white. Get the picture? Today In Biology she let us do anything we wanted, even me.
I was amazed he didn’t say anything like a smart-ass remark. I whispered to Carly, “ Maybe he stopped because he figured out I am better than he thought I was.”
“Or maybe not. Watch out he is coming this way.” Carly whispered back.
“What are you doing Amy?” Mr. Carl asked.
“Talking to my friend. Is that ok?” I said. “Fine keep it down then.” He replied while walking back to his desk. “What did you do to him?” Megan walked over and asked.
“I didn’t do anything. I don’t know why he is actually being nice to me.” I replied. “Maybe he is taking chill pills?” Carly muttered. I laughed, “Ha yeah right. I wish.” Ok first of all this is biology and he always make us do work. Even on the last day. I don’t know what is wrong with him. He is not himself today. When we were dismissed to go to our last period class I stayed back for a minute. Last period was next because of the stupid schedule change. “Excuse me Mr. Carl, can I talk with you for a moment?” I asked.
“Ok. What do you need?” He replied politely. (Politely for him to say in a tone is very, very rare.) “Well you’re being nice to me and I wanted to know if anything was wrong.”
“No I am just really hot and I am in no mood to yell at people today. I won’t be in the mood tomorrow either.”
“Ok just making sure.”
“Yeah I am giving you a break. I been hard enough on you all year and I am sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. A lot of teachers are like that.”
“Ok. Before you go, do you want me to sign your yearbook?”
“Sure why not.”
When he was done signing my yearbook he wrote me a pass to my next class, which was my last period class. I knew something was wrong with Mr. Carl but I didn’t know what. After school I ran to meet my friends. Megan asked, “Where were you at the beginning of last period Amy?”
“Well I was talking to Mr. Carl. I think he is upset because he never acts this way before.”
“Do you think he is emo?” Carly snickered.
“That is no laughing matter and no he is not.” I replied.
I jumped into my convertible and drove home. My dad wasn’t home yet so I started doing my chores then I jumped onto myspace. One of my friends was on line. My friend Michelle was on line, she was my friend when I lived in Texas. We sent messages to each other until my father came home. My father was in a good mood today. That was actually surprising. He usually comes home angry at something. He asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight and I said yes.
We talked about my day than his. I told him about my teacher Mr. Carl. When I was finished I asked him, “Is everything alright?”
“It was a hard day Amy. I am not angry at you if that is what you mean”
“Ok Just making sure you are ok because you seem not focused on our conversation.”
“Yeah I am. I am just out of it I guess. We better get home.”
“Ok dad.” It felt like a long way home because my dad hates music and doesn’t talk much when he is in the car. So every car ride seems like forever. When we got home he went in to lie on the couch and watch television. I wasn’t aloud until school ended because he is strict for me to keep my grades on GT level.
He always wants me to be perfect but the real question is, “Is anybody perfect?”
I guess I am not good enough for him. But that is what I have to deal with.
I took my shower and got ready for bed. The next morning my dad left early so I got dressed and ate breakfast alone like usual. I have 2 licenses one for a car and the other for a motorcycle. Since dad took my car (which actually isn’t really “my” car, its my dad’s car but we share.) I have to ride my motorcycle. Its blue and black and he bought me it for my birthday last summer.
When I arrived at school everyone was standing outside the building with particular scary faces like in horror movies. I ran to see what was going on they said that Mr. Carl gone mad. Well he is always like that but he had a gun. Then I heard a loud boom. I had medical training since I went to a medical school the last time we moved so I went in and go see what was wrong. But it was a false alarm. He didn’t shoot himself he just shot the bullet in the empty faculty room. But he still had the gun in his hand then I said, “Drop the gun Mr. Carl. You are making a terrible mistake.”
“I don’t think so. I think I am doing a good thing.”
“What are you trying to do anyway?”
“Trying to kill myself. My wife was cheating on me.”
He then placed the gun toward his head. But then all my adrenalin rushed through me and I ran and I grabbed part of the gun. We were fighting over it then it slipped and the gun went off, “BOOM!” I was waiting for one of us to tip over. We were both staring at each other than I suddenly blacked out. An hour later I woke up disoriented and confused not knowing what had happened. The doctor told me I had been shot then I remembered what happened. Then my dad ran to my side and started to cry and I said, “I will be ok. I am sorry dad it was my fault.”
“You did a good deed. You saved his life.”
“But I could have risked his life. What if the gun went off and shot him and he died. I couldn’t live with that.”
“But you didn’t. Oh there is someone here to see you anyway.”
“Oh my goodness Mr. Carl, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“Well I wanted to come by and say thanks for stopping me. It would have been a terrible mistake. Also I am so sorry you got hurt in the process.” Mr. Carl replied.
As soon as my wound healed I went home to a normal life and me and Mr. Carl will never forget that day which was really my fault but they just didn’t admit it.

It was the second to last day of school, I was excited.

This beginning isn't very grabbing.

My dad and I move a lot since mom died 2 years ago.

Numbers under ten should be written out.

I love my dad don’t get me wrong but moving every year or sooner is awful to me.

Add commas after "dad" and before "but."

I really like it but people don’t seem to like me except for the two special people Carly and Megan.

Comma after "people."

When I walked in school everyone thought I was crying because of my eyeliner running down my face.

Eyeliner doesn't really run that much, does it? And you'd have to be sweating unnaturally to have your makeup run so much that it appears you're crying...check your realism here.

It really does suck.

Take this out.

“What are you doing Amy?” Mr. Carl asked.

Comma after doing.

“Talking to my friend. Is that ok?” I said. “Fine keep it down then.” He replied while walking back to his desk. “What did you do to him?” Megan walked over and asked.

New paragraphs for new speakers.

“I didn’t do anything. I don’t know why he is actually being nice to me.” I replied. “Maybe he is taking chill pills?” Carly muttered. I laughed, “Ha yeah right. I wish.”

Try to use "said" more than other speaking verbs.

My dad wasn’t home yet so I started doing my chores then I jumped onto myspace. One of my friends was on line. My friend Michelle was on line, she was my friend when I lived in Texas. We sent messages to each other until my father came home.

This is not relevant. Only write things that are important to the plot or to characterization. We really don't care about the main character's online friends...

As soon as my wound healed I went home to a normal life and me and Mr. Carl will never forget that day which was really my fault but they just didn’t admit it.

Try a new last sentence...

----------------------

Well, I think this has potential. To be honest, it needs a good amount of work. I probably won't cover everything that needs to be fixed, so I hope others come and critique this as well.

You have a lot of punctuation errors...I started correcting them at the beginning, but there were just too many. You should look for them. I'm not going to point out everything. Too much time wasted.

Alright. First off. Your dialogue. It is not realistic. Who says "I am sweating."? Who laughs when someone says "Maybe he is taking chill pills?"? Think about you and your friends. Think about how you talk and what you think is funny. Does it match your characters even slightly? Think real. Otherwise readers will think it's funny for all the wrong reasons. You don't want someone laughing at the writer.

Again, with the dialogue. The conversations she has with her teacher are very very snobby. Obviously he isn't very nice to her (which I find unrealistic also, because most students think teachers hate them when they aren't being that mean...) but she is very rude. If I were him I would slap her across the face. You need to rethink all your characters words and see if they are logical.

Okay. Basically there is no description in this. It is all statement, statement, statement, tell, tell, tell...and we don't want that. It makes it boring. Ex: "My father was in a good mood today." Boring. Can you describe his face? Let us know by how he appears (a smile, his words, a laugh, etc.) that he is happy. Try this with a majority of your sentences.

This is a minor note, but you should try to avoid similar character names. You have both Carly, the MC's friend, and Mr. Carl, the MC's teacher. It can get confusing at times.

Back to the whole realism thing...rethink the whole Mr. Carl-suicide attempt thing. Way too sudden for one thing. Thing two--wouldn't someone be getting the police? Thing three--why does the MC just run up in there while there are loud sounds going on and she hates her teacher? It just doesn't all click...it seemed so unreal to me it was almost humorous. I'm sorry to say that too. Because you definitely could bring this piece to a good level. It just isn't there now because of the realism questions.

The overall plot of this story is not reader-capturing. It doesn't get interesting until the suicide attempt. But even then, that is comical. Up to then, it is a boring tale about the everyday life of a teenage girl. No one wants to read that. The reason stories are written is to tell about things that aren't every day. Not necessarily the fantastic, but something unusual or at least emotional. If you start much closer to the suicid attempt I think this story will be boosted a lot higher.

I wish you luck. PM me with questions.
Write away!

hmm, I like it, Nice SCL. Something new and fresh finally

your friend, as always
-Max

I agree with everything GML had to say. To me the sentences kind of sounded like someone was trying to talk as fast as they could saying as much as they can with no commas to seperate something if they should be two seperate sentences.

^ Do you see what I mean?


One of my main problems with your story was Mr. Carl. If I was a teacher and a student came up to me and said,

“Well you’re being nice to me and I wanted to know if anything was wrong.”

I'm pretty sure that I would get mad. I think him saying that is pretty unrealistic. More things he said seemed unrealistic. Go through your dialog and think, would you really say something like that in real life? Also, talk about your characters emotions more, put some meat on your bones! Take more time to talk about what things look like too. Is the school old? Pretty? What did Mr. Carl look like? What did your MC's friends look like?

One more thing I have to say is, and I'm sure you've heard this plenty of times, show not tell! For example, in the gun scene, what did Mr. Carl look like? Did he looked stressed? Were there bags under his eyes? Was he shaking? Did he look afraid?

So, that's all I have to say. I see the potential in your story, though there is a lot of things you could do to make it a lot better.

Good luck!

~Mateeah