The Quest for the Amulet of Destiny

Let me know what you think!!!!



Back downstairs Amarie choose a round table close to the massive fire place. Early spring still brought a chill to the nights of Chevara so a fire was blazing in the hearth. The inn keeper's wife, a portly woman with a ruddy complexion and black frizzy hair that never seemed under control, sidled up to Amarie's table. "What'll it be darling?" Shiloh was forever smiling even when Amarie knew she was exhausted. Amarie really admired that quality but would never want to possess it. Her smiles always felt contrived.
"A pint of ale and whatever is tonight's special." Amarie ordered stretching out her long legs tightly encased in black britches. "Oh and bring a loaf of your bread."
"I hope you brought your appetite," Shiloh winked, "I was feeling a little fiesty in the kitchen today."
Amarie forced a smile, "Glad to hear it."
Shiloh returned shortly with the cold golden beverage in a dented metal mug and a loaf of warm bread on a wooden cutting board. Ignoring the provided knife Amarie tore off a large chunk and hungrily took a bite. She didn't need to look over her shoulder to feel the stranger's stare. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end, but Amarie ignored the feeling. He wanted her to look at him as if he were willing her to do it. Amarie wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
One of the hired hands brought Amarie a hearty bowl of pheasant soup with a chunk of hard cheddar cheese. Hungrily, she devored each morsel of juicy carrots, tender parsnips, and savory wild bird. Amarie used her bread to soak up the broth but only nibbled at the cheese. "A refill," Amarie held up her empty mug as a bit of broth dribbled out of the corner of her mouth and down her chin.
As promised, Shiloh delivered an impressive spread for the second course. Amarie's mouth watered at the sight of steamed asparagus drenched in a lemon butter sauce, a generous slab of roasted pig liberally glazed with honey, and beef wellington. The barhand returned with a fresh pint and Amarie was just cutting into the delicate crust of the beef wellington when a hooded figure took a seat right next to Amarie.
Amarie knew the inn was a popular place and that seating was limited, but this was no coincidence. His persistance was beginning to get on Amarie's nerves and to prove a point she refused to acknowledge his presence. Even though Shiloh was a master of her trade it was a challenge for Amarie to fully enjoy her meal.
Suddenly he broke the silence with an audible whisper, "I have the package. You must deliver it immediately to the kingdom of Kaysheek."
Amarie smirked, "Listen, you have the wrong person. I don't have a clue what you are talking about."
"No, you are wrong," he insisted sliding a small package wrapped in brown butcher paper next to Amarie's plate.
She took a bite of asparagus, assessing the package out of the corner of her eye. The contents avoided her senses. All she could smell was the brown paper the package came in and she didn't dare touch it. If she touched it would appear she were accepting this ludacris mission this persistant stranger was trying to force on her.
"I saw the marking on your lower back," the stranger divulged, "The prophesy says that you are the one to deliver this package."
It made Amarie uncomfortable that this stranger knew about the scar on her back. Her billowing white shirt was still tucked into her britches. Trying to hide her discomfort she scoffed, "Seems a silly little thing to have a prophesy determine whom should deliver a simple package." She picked up the package carelessly as if to toss it back to the stranger but she used the few seconds to feel the weight.
Whatever was inside was paper. An ancient scroll of some sort? Amarie dropped the box back on the table, frustrated that her curiousity had been stroked. The stranger leaned close to her ear and hissed, "You must deliver it immediately to the kingdom of Kaysheek. Tell the Elven guard Miccah you have something for the Princess Moriah. You must complete this task, it is a matter of good and evil."
When it came to right and wrong Amarie was strongly opinionated and also dutifully bound. "Which side do you represent?" She demanded.
"I cannot say because I do not know what side you yet represent. Let's just say we are on the same side." With that the stranger swept out of the inn in a billow of dark fabric, leaving the package where it had landed by Amarie's pint of ale.
Gulping down the drink she shook her head incredulously. She couldn't believe that she was actually going to deliver the package.

Moriah Leila wrote: [s]Back[/s] downstairs Amarie cho[s]o[/s]se a round table close to the massive fire place. Early spring still brought a chill to the nights of Chevara so a fire was blazing in the hearth. The inn keeper's wife, a portly woman with a ruddy complexion and black frizzy hair that never seemed under control, sidled up to Amarie's table. Maybe this should start a new paragraph? "What'll it be darling?" Shiloh was forever smiling even when Amarie knew she was exhausted. Amarie really admired that quality but would never want to possess it. Her smiles always felt contrived.

"A pint of ale and whatever [s]is[/s] tonight's special is," Amarie ordered stretching out her long legs tightly encased in black britches. "Oh, and bring a loaf of your bread."

Moriah Leila wrote:She took a bite of asparagus, assessing the package out of the corner of her eye. The contents avoided her senses. All she could smell was the brown paper the package came in and she didn't dare touch it. If she touched it would appear she were accepting this ludacris mission this [s]persistant[/s]persistent stranger was trying to force on her.

Moriah Leila wrote:Whatever was inside was paper. An ancient scroll of some sort? Amarie dropped the box back on the table, frustrated that her [s]curiousity[/s]curiosity had been stroked. The stranger leaned close to her ear and hissed, "You must deliver it immediately to the kingdom of Kaysheek. Tell the Elven guard Miccah you have something for the Princess Moriah. You must complete this task, it is a matter of good and evil."

A very interesting turn of events. I think you;re doing a great job in keeping the reader interested and presenting some nice characters. They have a strong personality which is great to see so early in the story. I like how Amarie does sly things to check out the package.

I'll be keeping an eye out for further installments and thanks for being my 600th review. And welcome to YWS!

I like it, very interesting. I would like a better discription of this mysterious stranger though. I hope he comes back later, i think he will but that is again up to you. I like how the task for your main character is just kinda thrown at her, that is how my story is, the main characters just stumble upon it and slow it all comes into view......slowly haha. but yeah, ill check out the next section soon, i am loving it though.

I am back.

Shiloh was forever smiling even when Amarie knew she was exhausted. Amarie really admired that quality but would never want to possess it. Her smiles always felt contrived.

This would have been better if it is shown rather than told.

Amarie forced a smile, "Glad to hear it."

See you showed it here

Amarie knew the inn was a popular place and that seating was limited, but this was no coincidence.

How is it popular? Is it because of how the decorations of the place appeal to nobels and other people of society? Show that, don't tell.

"I saw the marking on your lower back," the stranger divulged, "The prophesy says that you are the one to deliver this package."

Oh god no. Not the prophesy cliche again.

When it came to right and wrong Amarie was strongly opinionated and also dutifully bound. "Which side do you represent?" She demanded.

Why? How? Convince the reader that she thinks that way by showing to them specific actions which represent that. Do not tell us that, it is unconvincing.

Overall impressions:

Your major problem is that you rely heavily on tired and worn out fantasy conventions to help tell the narrative. Such conventions are so commonly used that experienced readers can immediately identify with these conventions and be able to predict accurately as to what would ultimately happen as the plot progresses. Here, we have the prophecy and scar cliches. They detract from your story as it places restrictions onto your narrative since the reader can already identify with them. It makes it uninteresting for someone to read on as the effects which you create from these conventions will be so familiar to the audience that there is little point in reading something which is so familiar to a thousand plus other fantasy novels.

Instead of using a prophecy as a simple obstacle for the protagonist's desire, I think you should focus as to what feelings or conflicts will arise when such a prophecy is announced. Do people feel uncertain as to whether the prophecy will be fulfilled? Does it blind-sight someone into thinking that they are invincible? What does a prophecy do to people? To make an old fantasy convention feel not like a cliche, you have to view the theme of prophecies from a different angle. Using a prophecy simply as an obstacle in the plot is a common thing to do in the genre of fantasy. As it is so commonly used due to it's popularity, it has become a cliche. Avoid cliches at all cost! You want to tell a narrative from a fresh way, not recycle the same ideas again. That is not the point of being a writer.

Now for your characters. You do a good job in attempting to characterize your MC. I like how you try to humanize her through the eating scene as it feels really natural since we as humans eat for nourishment and survival. There are a feel places where your MC could be elaborated on for depth of character by showing rather than telling the reader as to why she thinks/feels that way.

Other characters are one-dimensional, such as the the mystery stranger. In narratives, that character fits the role of a donator, since he is giving away an item to help the protagonist fulfill his/her desire. In narratives, a plot focuses on how a protagonist meets his/her desire. However, that is all your mystery stranger does in telling the story on the whole and hence he does not feel mysterious to me, but more of a cookie-cutter character simply used as a way of giving the protagonist the catalyst.

I'll stop there for now as I think I've said enough. With your flaws, your writing style is coherent to the audience and flows quite well, even if it is lacking artistically.

I plan to upload my class notes on narrative conventions when I was studying as to how narrative conventions are used in movies for media studies class. I suggest that you have a read on it when I get it uploaded onto the YWS data-bank and try to rewrite this but with a fresh new take on the genre.

Best wishes.

Andy.

An interesting continuation of the part before, revealing a bit more of who Amarie really is.

Amarie ordered, stretching out her long legs [s]tightly encased in black britches[/s]. "Oh, and bring a loaf of your bread."

Commas. Then, I don't think you need the part describing that she was wearing pants. You haven't shown that it's unusual for a woman to wear pants, so it really doesn't have the same impact. Also, who's to say this isn't a fantasy world where women can wear pants?

Ignoring the provided knife, Amarie tore off a large chunk and [s]hungrily[/s] took a bite.

Comma and I don't think you need the adverb. We get that she's hungry by the way she takes the quickest route.

She didn't need to look over her shoulder to feel the stranger's stare. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end, but Amarie ignored the feeling. He wanted her to look at him as if he were willing her to do it. Amarie wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

This part is really, really random. You've given no indication that there was someone there waiting for her, or watching her, and then you suddenly put that out there. Also, this is an inn, so there would be a lot of strangers. Also, how could she know that the stranger wanted her to look at him?

[s]Hungrily, [/s]She devoured each morsel of the juicy carrots, tender parsnips, and savory wild bird.

Again, you show that she's hungry by using the word 'devour.' Also, misspelling. Then, 'each morsel' doesn't quite fit with the list of ingredients. Also, I'm not sure about the whole thing, it sounds as though you're trying to advertise the soup with all the adjectives. And, another nitpick, would they really have both carrots and parsnips in the soup? The two vegetables are closely related, and, yes, I've only learned that just now from Wiki.

Amarie held up her empty mug as a bit of broth dribbled out of the corner of her mouth and down her chin.

First of all, this part almost makes it sound as though she wants more soup. Then, this part really doesn't endear me to your character. And it's not because she's a female with bad table manners, it's just the bad table manners.

As promised, Shiloh delivered an impressive spread for the second course.

That part also makes it seem as though it's connected to the bowl of soup.

The barhand returned with a fresh pint and Amarie was just cutting into the delicate crust of the beef wellington when a hooded figure took a seat right next to Amarie.

Too many things going on right here, and it's creating a run-on sentence. Separate it out, and connect the hooded figure to the guy who was staring at her before. Also, I'm surprise he approached her while she was eating, I'd be afraid that parts of me would disappear into her.

Amarie knew the inn was a popular place and that seating was limited, but this was no coincidence.

We kind of get that it wasn't a coincidence, since you mentioned this guy before. Although, I kind of thought that the guy already had a seat, as you didn't exactly mention where he was.

His persistence was beginning to get on Amarie's nerves and, to prove a point, she refused to acknowledge his presence. Even though Shiloh was a master of her trade it was a challenge for Amarie to fully enjoy her meal.

First of all, misspelling. YWS has a spellchecker, even if your writing program does not. Then, comma, although I do have to wonder why she hasn't blown up at him. With all her weapons, she does seem like the type to express her displeasure. Then, I'd like you to connect her loss of appetite to the hooded figure.

[s]Suddenly[/s] He broke the silence with an [s]audible[/s] whisper, "I have the package. You must deliver it immediately to the kingdom of Kaysheek."

I admit, I'm not fond of the word 'suddenly.' I think it is possible to use that words at time, but only in things that are really sudden, and unexpected. We expect him to speak, what we wouldn't expect is for the hooded figure to stand up and walk away. Also, the word audible, unless he was inaudible before, I don't think you need it. We get how he's talking by the word 'whisper,' and we expect that she hears him, because you don't say differently. Finally, this is a bit of backwards reading, but why is he so insistent, and rude? At first, I thought that she expected him, that she was a messenger of some sort.

"No, you are wrong," he insisted, sliding a small package wrapped in brown butcher paper next to Amarie's plate.

Comma, and I still say that this is truly random.

The contents avoided her senses

What senses are these?

f she touched it would appear she were accepting this ludicrous mission this persistent stranger was trying to force on her.

Misspellings. Also, totally random! Where does she get that if she even touches the package that she has to deliver it? Also, then she touches it when she hands it back... Ludicrous is right.

"I saw the marking on your lower back," the stranger divulged, "The prophesy says that you are the one to deliver this package."

Random again. Is this prophesy a known thing? Or, only a few people know of it? How does Amarie know of it? And why can't he deliver the package himself?

It made Amarie uncomfortable that this stranger knew about the scar on her back.

What does a scar have to do with a prophesy? How did she get the scar?

Trying to hide her discomfort, she scoffed, "Seems a silly little thing to have a prophesy determine whom should deliver a simple package." She picked up the package carelessly, as if to toss it back to the stranger, but she used the few seconds to feel the weight.

Why is there a prophesy about a girl with a scar on her back delivering a package? You really need to explain this prophesy thing, because it is really random.

The stranger leaned close to her ear and hissed, "You must deliver it immediately to the kingdom of Kaysheek. Tell the Elven guard Miccah you have something for the Princess Moriah. You must complete this task, it is a matter of good and evil."

One, why is he hissing? When has he turned into a snake? Second, usually people say that it's a matter of life or death. What's the importance in good or evil? Good and evil just are, they aren't something that one really can prevent.

When it came to right and wrong Amarie was strongly opinionated and also dutifully bound.

I agree with the other reviewer, I would like it if you would show what her opinion is. She's the protagonist, we need to know which side she represents. Also, you can't just expect people to think good, as evil protagonists can be done.

"I cannot say, because I do not know what side you yet represent. Let's just say we are on the same side." With that, the stranger swept out of the inn in a billow of dark fabric, leaving the package where it had landed by Amarie's pint of ale.

Commas again. Then, why is he entrusting the package to her if he doesn't know which side she's on? Why doesn't he go with her? And, why doesn't she want to know who he is? Finally, that last part was just a cliche. I think Severus Snape, from Harry Potter, is the only one who can pull that off anymore. It just makes your whole character look like one big cliche.

Gulping down the drink she shook her head incredulously. She couldn't believe that she was actually going to deliver the package.

Why is she going to deliver the package? I mean, sure, he left it there, but that doesn't mean that she has to deliver it.

All in all, I still think you should give us some more action, something to hold onto through all of this explanation. Plus, I would really think about your use of prophesies. Think about your world, don't just copy off of Tolkien, and the other fantasy worlds copied off of his world. Think about what you want your world to be, and create a unique world of your own.

Also, delve deeper into your characters. Connect Amarie to the readers better, letting them see what motivates her. Also, don't leave your hooded figure as a cutout piece of cardboard! Let him be a full character, even if he doesn't end up with a name. Where is his motivation? Who is he?

I think your story can be interesting, but you've got to be careful that it doesn't end up as just a cliche quest. I mean, I have a rambling quest of a story of my own, but one really can say that it's unique. (It's not on YWS, because it needs revision, but they use bathtubs for dimensional travel, and I haven't exactly gotten to the quest yet... Anyway, forget about this.)

Remember, be unique! Even if you have only read a small amount of fantasy, find ways of standing out from them. Take the idea of the Middle Ages fantasy world, and add in characteristics from the Wild West!

Have fun, and good luck with your writing.