Jordan's Sonnet

Okay, so, for starters, I never, ever write sonnets. Its just not my style. I love them, but writing them is not something I've ever been skilled at.
That being said, I had to write a sonnet for class, and I thought it actually turned out pretty well. The style is Shakesperian, not Italian. I break form in two (?) lines, but I think I'm okay with that. Its clumsy, I know. But that's why you all are here! To help me improve, yea?
Anyway, here it is!

**

When I do close my eyes to slumber's sway,
To you my dreaming mind does turn its sight.
Provoking me with absence through the day,
And haunting me with yearning all the night.

For though I touch your face and hear you call,
And feel your soft, sweet lips upon my ear,
And know in you I place the sum of all,
My love, my life, and each and every fear,

When daylight sweeps the hallways of my home,
Forcing me from bed with heavy heart,
I know, for now, we both must walk alone,
And dream each weary day we are apart.

We must dream away the distance so to find,
Closeness, comfort, love and peace of mind.

Hello!

Just so you know, I know quite a little about sonnets and have never written any myself, so I don't know how good I am to review one.

You stayed in the rhyme scheme quite well, but like you said yourself, you broke it in one part.

When daylight sweeps the hallways of my home,

Forcing me from bed with heavy heart,

I know, for now, we both must walk alone,

And dream each weary day we are apart.

I don't think "home" and "alone" rhyme too well, and the rhyme scheme is supposed to be e-f-e-f, which I'm sure you know, so this is the stumbling block of this sonnet, unfortunately. But overall you did a pretty good job in rhyming.

When I do close my eyes to slumber's sway,

To you my dreaming mind does turn its sight.

You do write like this in these two lines, which does tend to get a little annoying, so I do suggest you do get rid of that. Unless it's clearly intentional and the sonnet could not work without writing like this.

Other than that, I think this is very nice. I like the words you use, and the lining isn't awkward. I like sonnets, actually – maybe I'll try writing one myself? Thanks!


Demeter xx