Boucherie (originally written in french)

Boucherie
Once upon a time, there was a princess
but there was an accident
We know she is wrong
What's the matter?

Here are flowers, take some.
She said don't look at me.
We listened.

But we know she is wrong.
What's the matter?

She died last month.
She obeyed, She drunk.
She has died.
Slaughter! Slaughter!

Timid girl could not escape.
Crash! It is the girl's death!

Slaughter! Slaughter!

We know she is wrong.
What is the matter?


Boucherie..



Note: Boucherie means Slaughter in French

Poem is also found at :
http://allpoetry.com/poem/4139565

Hello! Welcome to YWS. If you have any questions or need help finding something, feel free to pm me. I'm just giving the usual speech because I see you're new.


I'd love to read this poem in French! Je le parle.

As to the review. I'm not really sure what to say. I'll ignore the fact that it's more of a story in verse than a poem. It's confusing, though. What's going on? I have no idea. You're just saying "She talked to us and we listened and SLAUGHTER!" and in the end it makes no sense at all. I kind of doubt it would make sense in the original French, because these phrases are so simplistic - what else could their be?

I think you need to figure out what your story is about, and what you're trying to tell your reader. And perhaps you also should write this as a piece of fiction, because like I said, it's not much of a poem. It has no poetic elements, and it doesn't have any effect on me. It's just about a girl who died. Which a poem could be about, but it would need a lot more to be a good, effective poem.


Eh, I'm not sure I made much sense. But! I hope I helped. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

hi, and welcome to YWS! if you have any questions pm me, that means to message me
anyway to the critique
i thought this poem was very confusing because a person was slaughtered, and they tried to listen but they only heard slaughter?
this really didn't flow for me or make any sense sorry, i really don't think this is a poem

Thank you :]

The message that was supposed to be portrayed was that something was wrong with the princess and they knew they ought to have watched her. "She told us not to look at her, We listened" is saying We stopped monitoring her. As for her death it had been that she had drank something and it caused her demise, this was called the slaughter. We knew something was wrong, but what is the matter? Is saying we can't figure out what happened and the last slaughter or boucherie is saying, that is the problem, someone has killed her. I guess it is kind of hard to follow, but that is the explanation. It probably would've helped had I included some background considering this was written from a prompt given by my french teacher. The prompt was to tell a story in a poem as vaguely as possible. This was what I came with best. Thank you for reading!

Your poem has the potential to be great, you just need to work on painting more of a picture with your words.

Once upon a time, there was a princess
Don't use once upon a time. Something like, "There once was a princess," would work much better
But there was an accident

We know she is wrong

What's the matter?
Use "what is" instead of "what's," it sounds better.
Here are flowers, take some.

She said, "Don't look at me."

And, So, etc.We listened.

But we know she is wrong.

What's the matter?
Again, don't use the contraction here.

She died last month.

She obeyed, she drank.

She has died.

Slaughter! Slaughter!


The timid girl could not escape.

Crash! It is the girl's death!


Slaughter! Slaughter!


We know she is wrong.

What is the matter?



I put some suggestions/minor corrections in bold.

If I were you, I'd give it a rewrite and try to paint more of a picture, I only skimmed the very top of what should be done to correct this.

OR, you could also just rewrite it as a fiction story.
Although, it smacks of Romeo and Juliet.

Thank you for your review I will definitely take these things into consideration :]