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Heidi! *throws love at*

Okay, so I absolutely adore this piece. Jamie and Pete are great characters, and I choked up a little reading the sweater scene. It was really beautiful--it's just this mundane thing, but when someone you love is completely gone from your life, you really have to search hard (and desperately) to find something they've left behind. You do the drunken, upset character rather well. Even though I haven't quite met Pete, I felt really bad for him and was able to feel the tears come on in the first chapter. That's a mark of a job well done, dahling.

The only thing I would like to chat with you about is Pete's accent. Granted, I know it's probably a huge marker of character for you, and really helps you to get into his "feel" and voice. However, it's something that I'm going to try to wean you away from--I know you're not doing this, but it can't become a stand in for legitimate character development. You have to make his speech sound natural and Pete-like without misspelling words.

Granted, if you want to make this a small element of his characterization, that's okay. I'd recommend reading through Suzanne's God Still Loves You--she uses words like "warsh" characteristic of the American midwest that really help readers to place where her secondary characters are, geographically and intellectually. If that's what you want to mark in Pete, that's okay. But if you misspell everything, your readers (e.g., me, because I'm a freak) spend more time reading Pete's dialogue aloud because they think it's cool to sound Scottish, rather than mulling over what it actually means. People walking around their bedrooms muttering "Och, aye" and reading Pete's dialogue aloud is definitely a mood-killer.


Please PM me if you have any questions or if you simply want to chat about this piece. ^_^ I love it to bits, and would love to hear more from you about it.

I read this before I went to school, but I didn't have time to critique it, so here I am now! I hope I do it justice.

Pete drank, and he slept, and enveloped himself in the darkness.

I would get rid of the first and, and then add in a he after the second and.

The slither of light coming through the curtains woke him, falling across his face, letting the harsh world back in.

I would change around the falling across his face and the woke him.

A waft of stale air hit his nostrils, his own unwashed body, cigarette smoke and Scotch; a bottle was on the bedside table, a half full glass beside it.

I think this would read better as-

A waft of stale air hit his nostrils, a mix of his unwashed body, cigarette smoke and Scotch. A bottle sat on the bedside table, a half-full glass beside it.

Scotch bottle and pouring out another glass, neat.

What's with the neat?

another mouthful of the whisky

He was drinking Scotch before, so the another doesn't work here, or are the two interchangeable?

“Where the hell have you been?” Joe Merrick said without any preliminaries. “For Christ's sake Pete, you can't just not turn up at work for three days without any explanation. You do know your job is on the line?” He wrinkled his nose up. “Have you been drinking? I would say you smelt like a brewery, but a whisky distillery might be more accurate.”

This bit is really good. It's so... real. Is this Joe guy going to be a recurring character, because I like him already. And the end bit is really funny.

“Joe,” Pete said, holding his hand out. “Gi' me that.”

Give him what? I'm assuming he's talking about the mobile, because they were just discussing that, but I'm not sure. You should be more clear.

He focused on Joe, to force the memory to fade away.

Get rid of the comma.




Overall

I really like this. It's very real, very gritty. I hope you keep posting it because I want to keep reading.

I like your characters, and I'm interested in meeting Alex. I don't really have much else to say expect that I'm looking forward to more!

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I like it. The characters are very real. You have the process of grief down completely.

His t-cell count was almost non-existent an' the antibiotics weren't doing any good

This sentence seems a little too smart for a drunk. I think you should dumb this down a bit.

Other than that. I really like it. I would like to see where this goes and what happens to Pete. PM if you have any questions about the review, or when the next part comes out.

Yay! The second part is up! The first thing though, it's not double spaced, which makes reading it very annoying. Reckon you could double space it, just for me? Now, onto your actual writing...

Jamie's sister's like this.

I know that you said Jamie's sister's for our benefit, but I think he'd probably just say her name (Claire, I think it was).

He nodded

For a second I was a bit confused here, because Joe was just talking. I'd say, Pete nodded.

And then there was the memory of the beginning, long before the sickness, when they had been young and reckless, going to parties with mismatched music and warm cheap beer, crammed tight into someone's tiny front room. The floor was inevitably sticky, the smell of sweating lusting bodies, kebabs, soggy chips and cannabis penetrating every pore of the room.

I think this is one of the best bits. Your writing is really good here, and I can imagine it very easily.

or begin to fantasize

Make the or, and.



Overall

I still like this. Your plot is very intriguing, and I want to read more. I agree with Sam, Pete's accent is so heavy and it's getting very annoying to read. I'd ease up on it a bit, because it stops me reading it fluently.

There wasn't really much to point out, just a couple of word changes really. So yeah, you've got a good thing going on here.

Let me know when you post more!