Highzenfae

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Chapter 11:
The Sailor’s Daughter


“I’m Seflee,” the girl said.

“Nice to meet you!” Izek quickly projected, hobbling forward to shake her hand, “I’m Izek, and this is Saken and Karen.”

“I see, well nice to meet ya,” she said pulling her hand from Izek’s grip. “Ya guys hungry?” the three nodded, ”Well I live by Nibs’ Edge, it’s not too far, I’ll get my ma to whip something up for us all.”

The three were amazed by the girl’s kindness. She knew only their names and had already invited them over for dinner. They walked the road all the way to the quiet little town. The horses trotting at their heels, the brisk sea air from the northern Tarbitis ocean kissing their cheeks.
The town was simple, no defined streets, just soft pale dirt ground to walk upon. Small straw, patched roof cottages were scattered all about. Few people walked around tending to everyday chores. Saken knew it was a laid back community. Highzenfae’s towns all were. A town did not have a mayor, it was in essences just a large group of people just living their lives.

“Just this way now,” Seflee pointed to the northwestern part of Nibs. They continued to follow her, catching several glances from hard at work towns folk.

After a short while they came to a long ranch-like homestead. Small row boats were leaning against the house and two horses stood in a small stable next to the home.

MA!” Seflee yelled startling the other three. A second later a woman with dark brown hair pulled back out of her face, stuck her head out a window next to a chimney with smoke pouring from it.

“Hi, honey, oh, your friends staying to eat?” the woman said in a warming voice.

“Yup, crab soup again?” the woman responded with a smile and pulled herself back through the window.

Seflee brought them to the stables were they tied up their horses. Then she took them inside her house. It smelt like seafood, when the aroma reached them it made their mouths water.
The sun was lowering into the northern sky as they all sat to eat. Izek, butt still sore, took a seat next to Seflee. Saken and Karen sat across from them at the rectangular table. Seflee’s mother served them all a bowl of steaming crab soup when everyone was settled. They all waited for her mother to sit down with them before eating. She yelled something out the window before taking a seat with the others.
“Eat up before it gets cold kids,” she said from her seat at one end of the table. Saken picked up his spoon and took a big scoop of the yellowish chowder-like soup. It was the best thing he had had in a long time. A nice home cooked meal that hit the spot and warmed them all up inside.

“Mum, this is so good, mm, so,” Izek began before swallowing, “why are you so nice?” directing the question to Seflee who sat beside him.

“Oh, well my daddy’s a sailor,” Karen and Saken listened in, “I go off on trips with him all over Highzenfae. You gotta be friendly from port to portif ya wanna keep business going with em.” She finished with a chunky spoon of crab soup that she shoveled into her mouth.

“That’s neat, where’s your father now?” Izek asked starring at Seflee.

“My husband is out on business, he was making a few stops before he and his crew came home,” Seflee’s mother began, “Oh and you can call me Marissa.”

Saken’s heart sank when he heard her name. Karen, Izek and he put the clues together, and they didn’t need many. Seflee’s father was a sailor, her mother’s name was Marissa. They were eating with Captain Oline’s family while he lay at the bottmom of Sation Lake.

“Are you all okay?” the unknowing widow asked when they all seized eating and talking.

“Is-is your husband’s ship named after you?” Izek asked.

Marissa raised an eyebrow, “Yes, how do you know?” they could see Marissa start to tremble and shiver slightly.

“We were in Tienex for the festival-,”

“That’s where my husband was, what happened?”

Izek continued quickly, “I asked him if we could sail with him to Zen-,”

“What happened?” she was shaking even more now and her eyes started to water.

“The ship was attacked and…and it went down, with him locked in his cabin,” Izek stopped when Marissa began to cry hysterically. She folded her arms on the table knocking bowls of soup all over the floor. Her head collapsed into her arms and she went into a deep heavy sob.

“Seflee rose and fell onto her mother crying and trying to calm her down, but it didn’t work. Saken, Karen, and Izek sat without a word, watching a newly widowed woman and her fatherless daughter mourn their loss.

Saken didn’t know what to do. Should they leave? Should they try to comfort them? As he tried to think of something a young boy came into the kitchen. He had long black hair and was covered in dirt most likely from playing outside. He froze when he saw the visitors and the two women crying on the dining room table. He slowly inched over to Seflee and lightly tugged at her shorts. “Sefy? Sefy? What wrong?”

“Na-nothing Kentay, ju-just go play some-some more, okay?” Seflee said
between sobs.

“Okay!” the boy said happily as he skipped out the door.

Marissa waited for Kentay to be outside before trying speak “What was the…the ship attacked by?” she said looking at them eyes, wet, red, and puffy.

“The Elseon,” Saken said.

Seflee’s head raised slightly, “ the elseon’s never attacked a ship, it only gets agitated by electrical storms and there-“

“There was a lightning storm, it came outta nowhere,” Izek said.

Marissa’s hands clapped over her mouth as tears welled in her eyes. “Milla and Collin were with your father,” Marissa collapsed onto the kitchen table again. Seflee did not cry again, she just rushed out of the room looking angry and left through the door to the backyard.
The three friends stood in the kitchen now very uncomfortably. They single handily ruined the lives of the Oline family. Marissa looked a mess but after a minute or so she was only sniffling.

“Mrs. Oline?” Marissa looked at Izek, “Do you need any help with anything?”

“No, but…could you go find Seflee…she was very close yo..her father and-and,” her eyes began to water again, “Just talk to her for me, please.”

The three left Mrs. Oline crying at the dining room table. They went into the backyard where Kentay was making mud pies with a dirty stuffed puppy. The house was about fifty yards from a cliff that dropped down to the Tarbidis ocean; that crashed against the continents edge. The land leading to the cliff formed a large very noticeable point which many referred to as Nibs’ Edge.
They saw Seflee sitting on a large pile of dry wood, her back turned to them.

“Izek,” he turned to Saken, “You can go talk with her, it doesn’t look like she wants much of a crowd. Anyways, we need to talk.” Saken said nodding toward Karen. She gave him and inquisitive look as Izek headed for the wood pile. The two friends stood together. Karen was very confused; what did they have to talk about?
Just before she was about to ask him what was wrong she felt something. Saken’s hand slid into hers, his fingers laced between hers. She suddenly had hundreds of butterflies flapping and fluttering around in her stomach.

“Come on,” he said to her, she looked up into his brilliant red eyes. The sun was still setting and Saken’s eyes burned like two steady flames. He led her over to the very tip of Nibs’ Edge where they both stood right by the cliff. Karen was caught in his gaze as wind from the ocean came rushing up and over the cliff.
Saken put his hands on her hips and pulled her close. The evening light pouring over their bodies like a transparent orange vial.

“I was really scared you know,” Saken whispered through Karen’s brown hair and into her ear.

“I know,” she said back, her eyes closed, her body shivering softly. However, Saken felt fine, he felt perfect, as if the world was at ease and was giving him the chance. His chance, time to say what should have been said long ago. Saken closed his eyes, he felt Karen’s hair blowning against his face. Then he heard nothing, not a crashing wave or a gust of wind. Almost as if the world was muted and waiting for him.

I love you,” the silence remained. He stood with Karen in his arms waiting for a response. Nothing. He wanted to ask what was wrong but he did not want the moment to be ruined. His mind was racing a million miles a second, but time was almost at a stand still.
Until a soft whisper broke the seemingly never ending silence, “I love you too,” Karen said back.

Saken could not hold back the gigantic smile that covered his face.

“I’ll never let anything happen to you…ever,” he said while still holding her tightly. Karen then wriggled out of the hug slowly. She placed her hands on the back of Saken’s head and pulled him into a long over due kiss. Their lips met tenderly as they closed their eyes to absorb every moment.
After their first long passionate kiss the two sat, legs dangling over the cliff. Karen’s head resting on Saken’s shoulder. They let the sun set in the northern sky as they held hands and without a care in the world for the time being.

* * *

Saken, Karen, and Izek were allowed to stay at the Oline’s house for as long as they needed. When Izek talked to Seflee by the wood pile, they spoke about her father and sister Milla. Apparently Seflee was supposed to go to Tienex as well but stayed behind because Mrs. Oline was not feeling very well. Seflee told Izek that she would bring them to Zen after the funeral ceremony(for her father, sister, and the rest of the Marissa’s crew). It was going to be about a week before the funeral preparations were complete. Seflee was to be the Protal.

“What’s a Protal?” Izek asked at the breakfast table that morning.

In Nibs, when someone passes away, a casket is set out to sea and set aflame. The Protal is a family member or close family friend who performs the Daltamae; the dance of the deceased that is a long going tradition in Nibs. The three were to attend the funeral but until then they had a week to relax.
During their first full day in Nibs, Saken remembered why they were there to begin with. The insignia on his sword, Steely Sint said he’d seen the same symbol in Nibs. Saken asked Seflee if she had seen the symbol on his sword before. She had. Seflee brought the three to a small run down armory on the out skirts of Nibs. A sign which used to hang over the doorway now leaned against the building. The hawk symbol was carved into it.

“Five people used to work here before I was born. At least that’s what my ma told me. I guess one day one of em left. Then a few weeks later the last four disappeared.” Seflee told them as Saken ran his fingers over the carved out hawk.

“Where’d they all go?” Saken asked still feeling the sign.

“No one knows. They just up and left one day. They didn’t really talk to-,”

“I JUST DON’T GET IT!” Saken yelled while he stood quickly. He gripped the hilt of his sword and wit ha violent screech of steel he drew it out. He swung at eh sign in a furious rage. It stopped and was stuck but the out burst caused the others to jump. Saken collapsed onto his knees, his shoulders limp, his eyes starring at the ground beneath him.

“It’s okay,” Karen fell next to him and pulled him into her arms.

“No, it’s not, this all means something and I’m to stupid to figure it out.” He said into her shoulder.

“Or maybe your not supposed to know yet,”

“Maybe you’re right,” he kissed her cheek through her hair as he left her embrace.

“Oh hoe, it’s about time you two hooked up,” Izek laughed.

“Shut up,” Karen said, “so we’ve been a little naïve, but we’ve come to our senses now.” She looked over at Saken who gave her a smirk in return and her noticed his cheeks turn a bit red.

“Whelp, this has been quite interesting, but ma’s probably almost done with supper so we should get going,” said Seflee and after Saken freed his sword the four retreated to the Oline house. After dinner they all settled done for the night. Every one slept well except for the new widow and fatherless daughter.




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Hey, this is chapter 11, the most recent chapter i finished, i am starting with this because i dont have my first notebook, so i dont have the first like 4 chapters. But i chose this one because it is full of emotion and it has some good moments.

feel free to comment everyone and i hope you enjoy, and if you have any questions about what happened earlier in the sotry so that u get wahts going on then ask away.




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First, I do have to say that it is very hard reviewing the second chapter of a story without reading the first, let alone the eleventh chapter of a story. We don't know who these characters are, or what they have done, and that makes it very hard to get a good insight into the story.

Another thing before I really start reviewing: the two to one rule would really love it if you quickly reviewed two stories of your own. If you have two reviews to your post, then people would be happier to review your story, ignoring the 11th chapter thing.

“Nice to meet you!” Izek quickly projected, hobbling forward to shake her hand.

What did he project? Is he shouting over to her? Period at the end of the sentence, since the first part of dialogue ended with an exclamation mark.

”Well, I live by Nibs’ Edge, it’s not too far. I’ll get my Ma to whip something up for us all.”

Punctuation added, at one point cutting off part of it to make another sentence. Also, whenever you refer to the mother as a term of address, you have to capitalize it. When you use the word as a term of address, it's like the word is her name.

The horses trotted at their heels and the brisk sea air, from the northern Tarbitis ocean, kissed their cheeks.

Watch your tenses, and be sure that you stick to one tense. Added a connector to connect the two clauses together. Finally, I comma'd off part of the sentence, so that the reader can skip down to the verb and not get lost within the description. Also, I'm not sure of 'kissed' as a verb, seems a bit gaudy.

A few people walked around, tending to everyday chores.

Since they are tending to chores, doing an action, you need the 'A.' Also added a comma.

Highzenfae’s towns all were.

I do hope you explained what on earth the name means earlier on in the story...

A town like this did not have a Mayor, it was in essences just a large group of people just living their lives.

This or that, depending on what you're really saying. But, the way you had it before made it seem like all towns, Highzenfae or not, don't have Mayors.

They continued to follow her, catching several glances from the towns-folk, who were hard at work [s]towns folk[/s].

Reworked the sentence so that it was easier to understand.

"Ma,” Seflee yelled startling the other three.

Quotation marks, and you don't need the all caps, or the exclamation mark, with the way you did the speech tag.

A second later a woman with dark brown hair pulled back out of her face, stuck her head out a window next to a chimney with smoke pouring from it.

This sentence needs some severe work, it really does. Especially the underlined part...

“Hi, honey, oh, your friends staying to eat?”

This sentence is a run-on, with too many commas. Try it like this: "Hi, honey. Are your friends staying to eat?"

the woman responded with a smile and pulled herself back through the window.

Is the woman talking to herself? If this is supposed to be Seflee, then put the speech tag in. Then, give this part it's own paragraph. It will make this much easier to understand.

It smelled like seafood and when the aroma reached them it made their mouths water.

Connector piece again.

She yelled something out the window before taking a seat with the others.

What did she yell out the window? And who was it to? Is that her way of saying Grace? :wink:

Saken picked up his spoon and took a big scoop of the yellowish chowder-like soup. It was the best thing he had had in a long time.

Since when is it in Saken's POV? Although, this could just be an '11th chapter thing.'

Karen and Saken listened in,

I do think that they don't have a choice in whether or not they listen, unless they are having a conversation of their own. Maybe add in a bit of action, while moving this down to the beginning or end of the dialogue.

You gotta be friendly from port to port, if ya wanna keep business going with 'em.”

Comma, and fixed typo. Added apostrophe.

Izek asked staring at Seflee.

Fixed misspelling and, while we're at it, why was he staring at her? In disbelief, interest, or horror at her manners?

“Oh and you can call me Marissa.”

Why didn't she introduce herself before?

[s]Karen, Izek and[/s] He put the clues together, and he [s]they[/s] didn’t need many. If Seflee’s father was a sailor, and her mother’s name was Marissa, then they were eating with Captain Oline’s family while he lay at the bottom of Sation Lake.

Not even going to mention the 'eleventh chapter' missing information. The three names are a bit unnecessary, if you really want to include the others, say something like 'he looked at the other two and could tell that they were putting the same things together.' Though, please fix it up better than I just typed.

Also, I reworked the sentence to make it flow better. Another way could have been to connect the first two sentences together with a colon.

[s]the unknowing widow[/s] Marissa asked when they all ceased eating and talking.

You just revealed that she didn't know she was a widow, it's a bit redundant to use it as a term of address. Use the name that she just revealed. Also, fixed misspelling.

they could see Marissa start to tremble and shiver slightly.

Why is she getting upset so quickly? She should just be surprised that they knew about the boat. At the worst case, maybe worried that something happened to the boat, and not the husband. My confusion about her reaction carries down the rest of it. I would suggest finding another way of revealing what happened, especially since this is something that the reader should already know, I'm assuming.

Seflee rose and fell onto her mother crying and trying to calm her down, but it didn’t work

Found the missing quotation marks, for start. Then, Rose and Fell onto her mother? Find some other way of phrasing this, please, as it really makes it sound as though she's trying to crush her mother...

As he tried to think of something, a young boy came into the kitchen. He had long black hair and was covered in dirt, most likely from playing outside.

Commas.

“Na-nothing Kentay, ju-just go play some-some more, okay?” Seflee said between sobs.

Format issues.

“Okay!” the boy said happily as he skipped out the door.

Why on earth would he just leave like that? I mean, his mom and sister are wailing, and he just skips out the door?

“The Elseon’s never attacked a ship, it only gets agitated by electrical storms and there-“

Be consistent with the capitalization, please.

Seflee did not cry again, she just rushed out of the room, looking angry, and left through the door to the backyard.

Appositives should be set apart with commas.

They felt like they single-handedly ruined the lives of the Oline family.

Unless the lightning storm was their fault, they didn't kill the guy. They just were the messengers.

he land leading to the cliff formed a large very noticeable point which many referred to as Nibs’ Edge.

This is either random, or a really good piece of land...

Saken put his hands on her hips and pulled her close. The evening light pouring over their bodies like a transparent orange vial.

Another random part. They destroy a family, and then they decide to have a romantic moment? And I really don't get the 'vial' description.

"I love you,”

Quotation marks disappeared once again...

Seflee told Izek that she would bring them to Zen after the funeral ceremony(for her father, sister, and the rest of the Marissa’s crew).


Shouldn't it be a memorial service, unless they got the bodies back? Also, I think the parentheses are unnecessary.

In Nibs, when someone passes away, a casket is set out to sea and set aflame. The Protal is a family member or close family friend who performs the Daltamae; the dance of the deceased that is a long going tradition in Nibs.

Make this into an actual dialogue answer to the question, because the single part of dialogue doesn't work.

Saken asked Seflee if she had seen the symbol on his sword before. She had. Seflee brought the three to a small run down armory on the out skirts of Nibs.

Create this into a scene, please.

“I JUST DON’T GET IT!” Saken yelled while he stood quickly. He gripped the hilt of his sword and wit ha violent screech of steel he drew it out. He swung at eh sign in a furious rage. It stopped and was stuck but the out burst caused the others to jump. Saken collapsed onto his knees, his shoulders limp, his eyes starring at the ground beneath him.

Really random, although I suppose it's 11th chapter angst. Delete the all caps, please. And look for some more typos, and maybe just rework this...

“Or maybe you're not supposed to know yet,”

There's a link to a video about this in the randomness forum.

She looked over at Saken who gave her a smirk in return and her noticed his cheeks turn a bit red.

Also, bit of run-on.

After dinner they all settled done for the night. Every one slept well except for the new widow and fatherless daughter.

I say just delete this part, the ending of the chapter works just fine without it. If it's really necessary, then detail it a bit more.

All in all, I have to say that it's really not the best selection for a first post. There's so much that happened earlier in the story that you can't even make a post explaining everything. I really feel that I can only really comment of Selfee and, even then, I don't know if she was mentioned before or not.

But, it sounds like an interesting story, although I haven't seen much that makes it into a fantasy story. It reminds me a bit of a video game RPG, probably the generic villages. Not much else to say...

Write your reviews, maybe choose another selection, and good luck with your writing!
Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

- Incubus



Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.
— Lao Tse