A character study of sorts. Extremely perverted, and, in my opinion, pretty shitty.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
“Hold your goddamn panties! I’m coming,” he shouted.
“Fuck off, asshole!” came the voice on the other side of the door. It was the voice of a woman used to getting her way.
Sheila Varnts. Sheila Varnts. A name known to everyone, a woman known to none. A world-class writer and possibly the most important journalist in the modern world, she was here to interview him.
He crossed to the black door, covered in a thick, greenish grime that only comes from years of disuse. Thirteen years, to be exact. The doorknob, almost completely covered in rust, felt odd in the hand that he presumed was his.
“Finally, fuckface,” she muttered as he opened the door. She started to take a step inside, and, smelling alcohol radiating from his person, recoiled back out of the doorway, shock evident on her face. “You’re drunk! How dare you! You motherfucking pigfucker! I’m going to ruin you, asshole!”
“Just get the fuck inside before I bash your head in,” he screamed at her, wishing he had something, anything, to kill her with other than his hands.
“Okay, cocksucker, before we start the interview I have one question. For thirteen years you have been receiving requests from journalists, novelists, and fans for an interview. Why did you choose me?”
“Perhaps it’s because I enjoy your profuse cussing. Perhaps it’s because I like being insulted. Perhaps it’s because I want to kill you. You’ll never know.”
“Fuck off, dickwad!” She pressed the record button on the tape recorder, and it was almost as if a switch was flipped inside her. Instantly, her demeanor changed and she became almost friendly. “Hi! My name is Sheila Varnts, and I’m conducting an interview with one of the most famous and worshiped men who have ever lived. Would you like to introduce yourself, sweetie?”
“My lord, how we change, bitch. Yeah, I’ll introduce myself. My true name doesn’t matter much, as it is unknown to the masses. You can call me Carl. I’m responsible for taking the lives away from millions. Personally, I’ve killed 452 people, but who’s counting?”
“Amazing! I hear that you’re also a rapist?”
“Yes, I am. I enjoy feeling the squirming bodies of little girls under me as my cock plunges into their tight little pussies while I choke the life out of them.”
“Fantastic! How did you get your start?”
“Well, I started when I was seven, you see. My mother threw my twin sister and me out of the house for the day and told us to go play in the forest behind our home. I was a very..shall we say..amorous? Yes, amorous! Anyways, I was a very amorous boy, and I decided to fuck my sister. After all, we all need to start somewhere, right? Well, she didn’t want to have sex with me, even though I begged and promised and did all I could to convince her. So I threw her down, ripped her panties off, and plunged in. In my excitement, I accidentally strangled her. I enjoyed it, so I kept doing it. And, voila!, here I am.”
“Magnificent! Thirteen years ago, you became a recluse. Would you mind elaborating?”
“Not at all, my dear. I’ve always been interested in the darker aspects of religion, such as Satan, and I decided to take time off to study. Currently, I am in the middle of trying to summon Hell to Earth and bring eternal suffering to us all.”
“Wow! That is wonderful! Okay, on to your philanthropic work. Why did you get into charity and things of that nature?”
“I got bored with just murder and rape. Plus, I needed something to do in the daytime other than watch my soaps.”
“Amazing! One final question: Why did you decide to let me interview you?”
“Well, you dumb bitch, I should fucking kill you. I already told you I’d never let you know. But, I lied when I said that. It’s because I’ve always enjoyed your work, and I need something to serve as a final testament to my life. You see, I know that you’re broadcasting live feed from that tape recorder to television networks around the globe. I know that it has a miniature camera in it. I know that, the minute I finish this sentence, I’m going to rape and murder you, then I’m going to kill myself.”
“No! No! Please!”
"Scream some more, Mom; I like it."
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