On End

Alright people, this is an entry to the “Side Characters Contest” JFW1415 is holding.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


My back began to ache as I sat up and ran my hand through my knotty, unbrushed hair. I yawned, eying the board I had been napping on; it was exploding with dark and dreary colors. The sign read, “Paper Cut.” Three tall individuals with pale skin and incredibly sharp teeth were drooling over the title with hungry eyes.

The board itself was an advertisement for the highly-anticipated movie of the summer. It had two sides to it, both supported each other in a triangular fashion. A pillow I had brought with me sat on the ground, making me the slightest bit more comfortable when I rested my bum.

My friend and I were camping out in front of the movie theater until “Paper Cut” tickets were being sold. I glanced at my watch and sighed, leaning back down on the board. We still had to wait five more hours, which terribly boring if you couldn’t fall asleep.

I decided to lean over a bit farther, straining my neck as I did so. The line for the movie was longer than I thought. Tomorrow was opening day of this movie, and we were first in line. For months people have been chatting relentlessly about this film, and I simply got sucked in, along with Jared. We both had to see it.

A building stood across from the spot Jared and I were camping out on. It's foggy windows mixed with the darkness, along with the multiple shops aligned next to it. The paint-jobs all over were depressing, but, in my opinion, it just gave the city character.

A snore rose from next to me and I looked over, glaring at my friend. I felt like punching his stupid nose. He rolled over and dug his hands out from under himself, using them as a pillow. Obviously I wasn’t going to be able to get to sleep, so I continued to lean up against the board and take in my surroundings.

A scream sounded from across the street. I jolted up, surprised by the sudden noise. I glanced over and saw a woman tugging desperately on her purse. The silver sheen of the pocket book bounced off the moon and shone straight into my eyes, making the woman and the wannabe thief barely visible.

I shook my friend, and he snorted as he opened his eyes. “What?” he slurred, scratching his head groggily. He yawned and sat up, his eyes opening wider as he took in the scene across the street. “Jesus.”

“Somebody should help her!” a man called heroically, and he dashed over to aid the woman with a few of his friends following him. They leaped across the street, dodging a couple of irritated oncoming drivers, and tackled the thief.

The thief lay face-first of the ground, groaning. The woman had her arms folded around her belonging, and was smiling triumphantly, watching the purse-snatcher struggle to get up. “Shouldn’t somebody call the police?” I wondered aloud. My friend looked at me and shrugged.

“I don’t really care,” he mumbled, slowly positioning himself into his former position. “Wake me up when the movie opens.” I glared at him, but I dismissed my annoyance. It was never a surprised when Jared didn't care for something. Rolling my eyes, I once again positioned myself against the board, keeping a full view of the scene happening across the street.

Within a couple minutes, it was over, and the hysteria faded into the night. My friend’s snoring overwhelmed the air, causing multiple eyes to crack open and glare at the source of the noise.

*~*~

My watch flew up to my face probably twelve times in the last minute. I was standing in front of the ticket booth, hopping from one foot to the other while excitement raced through my veins. I’ve never done something like this before, pulling an all-nighter. I didn't expect something so foolish to cause so much adrenaline.

A squeak came from the ticket booth next to me and I spun my head, watching the sweaty teenager open up.

“Two for Paper Cut,” I spluttered before he could have a chance to glance up at the long line awaiting before him.

His eyes drifted up to mine and he sighed, shuffling around in the small space the booth allowed him. I slipped my credit card under the small opening and he swiped it, handing it back to me with two tickets.

My grin stretched across my face as I spun around and gave my friend his ticket. His smile rivaled mine as we stepped inside and entered the movie theater. We raced to the screening room, not bothering to get any snacks, and plopped down right in the front row.

The previews began to start, followed by the highly-anticipated movie itself. I heard expectant crunches of popcorn behind me, the sounds accelerating as the title sequence faded into the dreary gray sky. My friend nudged my arm, hopping the slightest bit in his seat.

~

“Jesus, Annie!” I simply smiled at the exclamation. “Didn’t you love that movie?” he asked, clutching my hand as we led ourselves out of the theater so we weren’t separated in the sea of vampire-obsessed teenagers.

“It was good,” was the only opinion that entered my thoughts. He glanced at me and expressed an unconvinced frown. “It was, I swear! Great movie, fabulous movie; I loved it, Jared.” Jared rolled his eyes.

“Sure you did,” he pretended to sulk. Like I cared whether or not he chose to embarrass himself in public.

“Whatever,” I dismissed the subject, annoyed with his childish actions. “Let’s go over to the café across the street; I have money left over from not buying any snacks.” Jared shrugged in agreement and we paused at the end of the sidewalk, waiting patiently for the cars to pass. We sprinted across the street when we got the chance and halted once we stepped onto the other side.

“Shit,” I heard Jared mutter as we stepped into a bakery. We had just started to be overwhelmed by the aroma of fresh bread. I took advantage of the moment and wafted the smell through my nose, enjoying the brief sensation. “I forgot my glasses.” The sun was relentless today, so we had both brought sunglasses with us. “I’ll be right back,” he turned back outside and I didn’t bother waiting for him. I slid up to the counter to order a scone.

“Two-fifty?” the boy at the counter asked, and I dug into my purse to retrieve my wallet. The sound of change dropping onto the counter collided with an incredibly audible honk of a horn and the desperate squealing of tires.

My head spun in the direction of the noise, and my eyes spotted several groups of people flocking to the car. “One sec,” I told the employee, and I dashed across the street to join the large group.

The street was relatively empty; I didn’t have to wait for the cars to pass. I reached the crowd and pushed past a large woman, so I could look upon the source of the driver’s crash.

My eyes lay upon the alleged source, and I broke into tears.

~

Strong hands were leading me across the street. Gulping my sobs, I tried to concentrate on the road ahead of me. "Calm down, Miss," the police officer urged me as I seated myself in his cruiser. "He'll be fine."

I found myself shaking my head strongly in disagreement. The disagreement would have been verbal, but my tears swallowed up any words I could have mustered. He shut the door quietly before plopping into the driver's seat. Sniffing, I looked out the window and spotted a poor man shifting his position up against a dank wall. He looked vaguely familiar, but I dismissed the thought.

We drove behind the ambulance the entire time, which was torturous beyond end. The constant reminder shot my memories back to the horrendous image I saw several minutes ago. My best friend sprawled upon the sidewalk, bruises decorating a large portion of his body. I clasped my hands over my arms as I shuddered relentlessly, unable to shake the image from my mind.

I wanted desperately to ride in the ambulance with him, but the medics thought I was too hysterical. My shoulders were shaking violently as I choked and sobbed to one of them. All the while the paramedic couldn't stop looking at Jared, and his eyes searched him frantically. He gave a half-hearted attempt to comfort me before rushing me off to a police officer; he didn't seem to want to be near me at all.

My seatbelt was driving me to the brink of insanity. Normally I'm all for vehicular safety, but at the moment, any kind of restraint pushed me off the edge. My breath exceeded it's current pace by several times, and sweat flowed from my palms. I ripped my seatbelt from its socket and threw it across the back seat. The policeman twisted around to look at the seatbelt, and I reluctantly put it back on, continuing to agonize.

We arrived at the hospital several minutes later; the cruiser had to go faster than usual to keep up with the ambulance. We swung into the parking lot as I watched Jared being flung out of the ambulance in a stretcher and rushed through the hospital doors. I lunged at the door to race after Jared, but all I heard was an annoying click when I tried to escape.

"Let me get that," the officer offered, and got out of the car. How could he possibly be so calm? The policeman walked around the side of the car and smiled at me nervously as he opened my door. I didn't thank him - it was his penalty for taking his time - and sprinted through the hospital doors.

~

No matter how bad a situation was, some people always felt that you could forgive somebody in their sleep. The peacefulness overwhelmed the room effortlessly, and I felt at ease. His eyes were closed, his breath steady, and the room a clean, crisp white.

I loved it.

What I didn't love was the white box beeping inconspicuously next to him. The sound snuck up on you when your thoughts shallowed up, and I glared at it half the time I was in there. The box was as clean and smooth as everything else, but the rhythm failed to be the same. The line was uneven and worrying, and my eyes wouldn't tear away from it. Jared's heart rate was completely unpredictable - to me, at least. The doctors said he would recover in due time.

"Annabelle?" I spun my head around, meeting with the concerned eyes of a doctor. He looked like the paramedic that didn't want to comfort me; I suppose everybody dressed in white looked the same.

"Yes?" I answered in the most composed tone I could create. The doctor approached the bed cautiously as if he didn't want to spark any strong emotional reaction within me.

"We have to run some tests," he explained. "I'm sorry, but for the moment, you must leave your friend alone." Tears threatened to sting my eyes. I tore myself from my seat and sulked over to the door, stalling as I dropped my hand onto the knob lazily. At a weak moment of curiosity, my eyes wandered to the doctor. A look of impatience masked his face, and I quit stalling and brought myself to leave the room.

A couple passed me when I gave into my tears. They both shot me pitiful looks as the color of my face escalated to a deep shade of red. Hurrying to the bathroom, I slammed the door and searched frantically for the paper towels. They were dry and brown, but I could care less. The staleness of the paper rubbed against my skin uncomfortably, and I threw the tear-stained paper into the trash bin.

I splashed water onto my face and glared at the mirror, staring into my own eyes. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. I raised my hand to wipe another oncoming tear from my eye when a gust of wind blew my hair into my line of vision.

My gaze slipped over to the open window just as a swiftly moving silhouette left my sight. At least, I thought I saw a figure. My paranoia was getting to me. I never knew a person could become so unstable after one event.

I wanted to give in to my paranoia. All I had to do was see Jared's face one more time and assure myself he was alright. I exited the bathroom and entered the hallway, taking a deep breath when I reached for his door.

Upon entering, Jared's disfigured form entrapped me immediately. His neck was mercilessly ripped open, and his eyes were open wide with horror. Blood was absolutely everywhere; dripping from his neck and pouring onto the floor.

The thick red liquid reached my sneakers, and I looked down, unable to figure out how I was supposed to act in such a state of shock. A formerly snow-white coat was thrown onto the back of a chair, now drenched in blood. I couldn't breathe. And if I could have spoken before, I definitely couldn't now.

I didn't have the energy to scream.

~*~*~*~

Sorry about the vampire thing - it seemed to go with the movie and the white-ness.. I was tempted. That's right. I tempted myself. I'm pathetic. I know this is probably the fifteenth vampire story you've read today, but you'll simply have to deal with it. I was to uncreative to think of a better ending, even if it is a little random.

Poor Jared =(

I hope you enjoyed it!

Hi, LLS! At first I want to say good luck on the contest!

I don't know if this is what JFW wanted, I have to say I didn't really get the instructions (sorry JFW), but I'm still going to review it.

I shook my friend rapidly, and he snorted as he opened his eyes. “What?” he slurred, scratching his head groggily. He yawned and sat up, his gaze meeting the scene across the street. “Jesus.”

A squeaky sound came from the ticket booth next to me and I spun my head, watching the sweaty teenager open up. “Two for Paper Cut,” I spluttered before he could have a chance to glance up at the long line awaiting before him.

“Shit,” I heard Jared mutter. We had just begun to be overwhelmed by the aroma of fresh bread. I tookl advantage of the moment and wafted the smell through my nose, enjoying the brief sensation. “I forgot my glasses.” The sun was relentless today, so we had both brought sunglasses with us. “I’ll be right back,” he turned back outside and I didn’t bother waiting for him, and slid up to the counter to order a scone.

In parts like these, remember to start a new paragraph before a new piece of dialogue.

“Somebody should help her!” Some man called heroically

I think "a man" would sound better, but whichever you pick, don't capitalize the first letter after the last quote mark.

“I’ll be a sec,”

This sounds a little strange to me. Wouldn't "Wait a sec" or "I'll be right back" be better?

despretaly

Desperately.

supopsed

Supposed?

Haha, the ending is a little random But overall, I think you've used enough description and this flows quite well. I couldn' spot any "Fix me! Fix me!" mistakes. So good luck


See you around,
Demeter xx

My back began to ache as I sat up, omit comma and I ran my hand through my knott[s]y[/s]ed, unbrushed hair. I yawned, eyeing the board I was napping on; it was exploding with dark and dreary colors. The sign read, omit comma “Paper Cut;” . omit semi-colon Three tall individuals with pale skin and incredibly sharp teeth were drooling over the title with hungry eyes. Explain what Paper Cut is and why there's a board on the ground in this paragraph. Also, the last sentence is a little strange, it seems like they're real people, explain that they're in the picture.


My friend and I were camping out in front of the movie theater until “Paper Cut” tickets were being sold. Why were they camping out? Would it get sold out fast? Even if it seems obvious explain it. I glanced at my watch and sighed, leaning back down on the board. We still had to wait five more hours, omit comma and [s]this[/s] it was terribly boring if you couldn’t fall asleep. This sentence is a little awkward, try "We still had five more hours left until they opened their doors" (or whatever)

I bumped by head against the board repeatedly, for I was too bored to do anything else. One, two, ow, ow, ow. The more I did this the more pain surged through my head. I gave up on trying to keep myself entertained, and rested against the board once more, staring up at the sky. This doesn't seem very realistic, why would she hit her head like that? It would be much better if she stared at the people around her, watching them in their sleep or something, maybe she's glaring at them because they're able to sleep and she's upset.

A snore emanated from next to me and I looked over, glaring at my friend. I felt like punching his stupid nose. [s]My friend[/s] He rolled over and dug his hands out from under himself, using them as a pillow. Obviously I wasn’t going to be able to get to sleep, so I continued to lean up against the board and take in my surroundings. The transition from this paragraph to the next is a bit too rushed, maybe you could slide in some descriptions of the setting before having her hear the scream.

A scream shouted out from across the street. My head jolted up, surprised by the sudden noise. I glanced over at the source of the noise and saw a woman playing tug-o-war with her purse. Tug-o-war seems a little too joyful, try something like "yanking back and forth." The silver sheen of [s]the[/s] her pocket book bounced off the moon, making the woman and the wannabe thief barely visible. Why is the thief a wannabe? I'd just leave it at "the thief".

Show her emotions at this scene. I shook my friend rapidly, and he snorted as he opened his eyes. “What?” he slurred, scratching his head groggily. He yawned and sat up, his gaze meeting the scene across the street. “Jesus.”


“Somebody should help her!” a man called heroically, and he dashed over to aid the woman with a couple of his friends following him. This sentence is a little strange, he says "somebody should help her" but helps her himself, I know that we tend to say things like that in reality but in literature it just seems a little wierd. They leaped across the street, dodging a couple of irritated drivers in oncoming cars, and tackled the thief.


The thief was now l[s]a[/s]ying face-first [s]of[/s] on the ground, groaning. The woman had her arms folded and was smiling triumphantly, watching the purse-snatcher struggle to get up. “Shouldn’t somebody call the police?” I wondered aloud. My friend looked at me and shrugged.


“I don’t really care,” He mumbled, slowly positioning himself into his former position. “Wake me up when the movie opens.” I glared at him, but I dismissed my annoyance. Annoyance towards what, her friend or the thief situation? Rolling my eyes, I once again positioned myself against the board, keeping a full view of the scene happening across the street.


Within a couple minutes, it was over, and the hysteria faded into the night. My friend’s snoring overwhelmed the night air, causing multiple eyes to crack open and glare at the source of the noise. What happened to the thief? Did he run away or was he caught by the police?


*~*~


My watch flew up to my face probably twelve times in the last minute. That sentence is a little awkward the part where it "flew up to her face" seems like it was doing that of its own accord, try something like " I glanced at my watch probably twelve times in the last minute" I was standing in front of the ticket booth, hopping from one foot to the other while excitement raced through my veins. [s]I’ve[/s] I'd never done something like this before, pulling an all-nighter. I didn't expect something so foolish to cause so much adrenaline.


A squeak came from the ticket booth next to me and I spun my head, watching the sweaty teenager open up. “Two for Paper Cut,” I spluttered before he could have a chance to glance up at the long line [s]a[/s]waiting before him.


His eyes drifted up to mine and he sighed, shuffling around in the small space the booth allowed him. I slipped my credit card under the small opening and he swiped it, handing it back to me with two tickets.


My grin stretched across my face as I spun around and gave my friend his ticket. His smile rivaled mine as we stepped inside and entered the movie theater. We raced to the screening room, not bothering to get any snacks, and plopped down right in the front row.


It seems like this happens right away, not leaving enough time for the crowd to come in the room, say something like "After the crowd piled into the room..." The previews began to start, followed by the highly-anticipated movie itself. I heard expectant crunches of popcorn behind me, the sounds accelerating as the title sequence faded into the dreary gray sky. My friend nudged my arm, hopping the slightest bit in his seat.


~


“Jesus, Annie!” I simply smiled at the exclamation. “Didn’t you love that movie?” he asked, clutching my hand as we led ourselves out of the theater so we weren’t separated in the sea of vampire-obsessed teenagers.


“It was good,” was the only opinion that entered my thoughts. It seems like she's only thinking this, explain that she's saying it aloud. He glanced at me and expressed an unconvinced frown. “It was, I swear! Great movie, fabulous movie; I loved it, Jared.” [s]Jared[/s] He rolled his eyes.


“Sure you did,” he pretended to sulk. Like I cared whether or not he chose to embarrass himself in public.


“Whatever,” I dismissed the subject, annoyed with his childish actions. “Let’s go over to the café across the street; I have money left over from not buying any snacks.” Jared shrugged in agreement and we paused at the end of the sidewalk, waiting patiently for the cars to pass. We sprinted across the street when we got the chance and arrived to a halt once we stepped onto the other side. You never say that they entered the cafe, you should explain that they go inside.

“Shit,” I heard Jared mutter. We had just begun to be overwhelmed by the aroma of fresh bread. I took advantage of the moment and wafted the smell through my nose, enjoying the brief sensation. How does she know that they need to go back? At least that's what it seems like to me. If not, try saying something like: "I was overwhelmed by the aroma of fresh bread and so I took advantage of the moment and wafted the smell through my nose, enjoying the brief sensation." “I forgot my glasses.” The sun was relentless today, so we had both brought sunglasses with us. I actually thought that it was still dark out, explain how it's light out, like maybe say that the sun was blinding when they left the theater because of all of the previous dakness. “I’ll be right back,” he turned back outside and I didn’t bother waiting for him[s], and[/s] . I slid up to the counter to order a scone.


“Two-fifty,” The boy at the counter asked, and I dug into my purse to retrieve my wallet. The sound of change dropping onto the counter collided with an incredibly audible honk of a horn, and the desperate squealing of tires.


My head spun in the direction of the noise and my eyes spotted several groups of people flocking to the car. “One sec,” I told the employee, and I dashed across the street to join the large group. Explain why she would leave in such a hurry, what's going through her mind right now?


The street was relatively empty; I didn’t have to wait for the cars to pass. I reached the crowd and pushed past a large woman so I could look upon the source of the driver’s crash.


My eyes lay upon the alleged source, and I broke into tears.


~


Strong hands were leading me across the street. Gulping my sobs, I tried to concentrate on the road ahead of me. "Calm down, Miss," the police officer urged me as I seated myself in his cruiser. "He'll be fine." This is very abrupt you need to show her emotions.


I found myself shaking my head strongly in disagreement. The disagreement would have been verbal, but my tears swallowed up any words I could have mustered. He shut the door quietly before plopping into the driver's seat. Sniffing, I looked out the window and spotted a poor man shifting his position up against a dank wall. If he's homeless just say that. He looked vaguely familiar, but I dismissed the thought.


We drove behind the ambulance the entire time, which was torturous beyond end. The constant reminder shot my memories back to the horrendous image I saw several minutes ago. My best friend sprawled upon the sidewalk, bruises decorating a large portion of his body. I clasped my hands over my arms as I shuddered relentlessly, unable to shake the image from my mind.


I wanted desperately to ride in the ambulance with him, but the medics thought I was too hysterical. My shoulders were shaking violently as I choked and sobbed to one of them. He gave a half-hearted attempt to comfort me before rushing me off to a police officer; he didn't seem to want to be near me at all.


My seatbelt was driving me to the brink of insanity. How is it restraining her, is it cutting into her shoulder, etc.? Normally I'm all for vehicular safety, but at the moment any kind of restraint pushed me off the edge. My breath exceeded it's current pace by several times, omit comma and sweat flowed from my palms. I ripped my seatbelt from it's socket and threw it across the back seat. Wouldn't the police officer react to that?


We arrived at the hospital several minutes later; [s]the cruiser had to go faster than usual to keep up with the ambulance.[/s] Not needed. We swung into the parking lot as I watched Jared being flung out of the ambulance in a stretcher, being rushed through the hospital doors. I lunged at the car door to race out and after Jared, but all I heard was an annoying click when I tried to escape.


"Let me get that," the officer offered, and got out of the car. How could he possibly be so calm? The policeman walked around the side of the car and smiled at me nervously as he opened my door. I didn't thank him - it was his penalty for taking his time - and sprinted through the hospital doors.


~


No matter how bad a situation was, some people always felt that you could forgive somebody in their sleep. This sentence doesn't make any sense, justify it. The peacefulness overwhelmed the room effortlessly, and I felt at ease. His eyes were closed, his breath steady, and the room a clean, crisp white.


I loved it. Why would she love that, wouldn't she hate to see her friend all bruised.

What I didn't love was the white box beeping inconspiciously next to him. The sound snuck up on you when your thoughts shallowed up, and I glared at it half the time I was in there. The box was as clean and smooth as everything else, but the rhythm failed to be the same. The line was uneven and worrying, and my eyes wouldn't tear away from it. Jared's heart rate was completely unpredictable - to me, at least. The doctors said he would recover in due time.


"Annabelle?" I spun my head around, meeting with the concerned eyes of a doctor. He looked like the paramedic that didn't want to comfort me; I suppose everybody dressed in white looked the same.


"Yes?" I answered in the most composed tone I could create. The doctor approached the bed cautiously, as if he didn't want to spark any strong emotional reaction within me.


"We have to run some tests," he explained. "I'm sorry, but for the moment, you must leave your friend alone." Tears threatened to sting my eyes. I tore myself from my seat you never said that she was sitting and sulked over to door, stalling as I dropped my hand onto the knob [s]lazily[/s] (sounds like she doesn't care). At a weak moment of curiosity, my eyes wandered to the doctor. A look of impatience masked his face, and I quit stalling and brought myself to leave the room.


A couple passed me when I gave in to my tears. They both shot me pitiful looks as the color of my face escalated to a deep shade of red. Hurrying to the bathroom, I slammed the door and searched frantically for the paper towels. They were dry and brown, but I could care less. The staleness of the paper rubbed against my skin uncomfortably, and I threw the tear-stained paper into the trash bin. What are her emotions right now, why did she run to the bathroom?

I splashed water [s]into[/s] onto my face and glared at the mirror, staring into my own eyes. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Have this sentence italicized. I raised my hand to wipe another oncoming tear from my eye, when a gust of wind blew my hair [s]into my line of vision.[/s] Try "into my eyes".


My gaze slipped over to the open window just as a swiftly moving silhouette left my sight. At least, I thought I saw a figure. My paranoia was getting to me. I never knew a person could become so unstable after one event.


I wanted to give in to my paranoia. This sentence doesn't make sense, do you mean that she doesn't want to give into her paranoia? All I had to do was see Jared's face one more time, and assure myself he was alright. I exited the bathroom and entered the hallway, taking a deep breath when I reached for his door.


Upon entering, Jared's disfigured form entrapped me immediately. His neck was mercilessly ripped open, and his eyes were open wide with horror. Blood was absoloutely everywhere; dripping from his neck and pouring onto the floor.


The thick red liquid reached my sneakers, and I looked down, unable to figure out how [s]I'm[/s] I was [s]supopsed[/s] supposed to act in such a state of shock. A formerly snow-white coat was thrown onto the back of a chair, now drenched in blood. I couldn't breath. And if could have spoken before, I definitely couldn't now.


I didn't have the energy to scream.

Great job! I really liked this.

Suggestions:

Slow it down, explain Annabelle's emotions and what she's thinking in the traumatic events that occur.

I didn't even realize that a vampire attacked Jared until you said he was, so you should explain how he was attacked or who he was attacked by somehow.

The board; explain the board. What is it? Why is it there?

~~~

Overall, excellent piece! Good luck on the contest!

Hey, Lil' Sock!

Grammar and First Impressions

The sign read, “Paper Cut; [period instead]” three tall individuals with pale skin and incredibly sharp teeth were drooling over the title with hungry eyes.

That semi was so very odd. You could put a dash after the quotes as well. ..."Paper cut" -- three... but I personally like the period better.

I gave up on trying to keep myself entertained, [no comma] and rested against the board once more, staring up at the sky.

A snore emanated from next to me, and I looked over, glaring at my friend.

I glanced over at the source of the noise and saw a woman playing [s]tug-o-war[/s] tug-of-war with her purse.

“Somebody should help her!” a man called heroically, and he dashed over to aid the woman with a couple of his friends following him.

Blugh, I didn't like that word.

The thief was now laying face-first of the ground, groaning.

Of: To indicate cause, origin, etc.
On: Used to indicate place, location

“I don’t really care,” [s]He[/s] he mumbled, slowly positioning himself into his former position.

A squeak came from the ticket booth next to me, and I spun my head, watching the sweaty teenager open up.

His eyes drifted up to mine, and he sighed, shuffling around in the small space the booth allowed him. I slipped my credit card under the small opening, and he swiped it, handing it back to me with two tickets.

Jared shrugged in agreement, and we paused at the end of the sidewalk, waiting patiently for the cars to pass.

“I’ll be right back, [period instead]” he turned back outside, and I didn’t bother waiting for him, [period instead] [s]and[/s] I slid up to the counter to order a scone.

Is turned a verb indicating someone spoke? I don't think so, which means it shouldn't be treated as a tag.

“Two-fifty,” [s]The[/s] the boy at the counter asked, and I dug into my purse to retrieve my wallet.

Is the boy asking her for 2.50? Then why is there no question mark?

The sound of change dropping onto the counter collided with an incredibly audible honk of a horn, [no comma] and the desperate squealing of tires.

My head spun in the direction of the noise, and my eyes spotted several groups of people flocking to the car.

I reached the crowd and pushed past a large woman, so I could look upon the source of the driver’s crash.

Normally I'm all for vehicular safety, but at the moment, any kind of restraint pushed me off the edge.

My breath exceeded it's current pace by several times, and sweat flowed from my palms. I ripped my seatbelt from it's socket and threw it across the back seat.

It's: Contraction of it is
Its: Possessive form of it

We swung into the parking lot as I watched Jared being flung out of the ambulance in a stretcher, being rushed through the hospital doors.

I lunged at the door to race [s]out and[/s] after Jared, but all I heard was an annoying click when I tried to escape.

That tiny phrase was just longer than it needed to be. ^^

"Let me get that," the officer offered, [no comma] and got out of the car.

The doctor approached the bed cautiously, [no comma] as if he didn't want to spark any strong emotional reaction within me.

A look of imatience masked his face, and I quit stalling and brought myself to leave the room.

Imatience: Typo
Impatience: Lack of patience.

I raised my hand to wipe another oncoming tear from my eye, [no comma] when a gust of wind blew my hair into my line of vision.

All I had to do was see Jared's face one more time, [no comma] and assure myself he was alright.

Blood was absoloutely everywhere; dripping from his neck and pouring onto the floor.

Absoloutely: Typo
Absolutely: Completely, certainly

The thick red liquid reached my sneakers, and I looked down, unable to figure out how I'm supopsed to act in such a state of shock.

Underlined: We're switching tenses?

Supopsed: Typo
Supposed: Required or permit

I couldn't breath.

Breath: n. Air inhaled and exhaled in respiration
Breathe: v. To inhale and exhale

And if I could have spoken before, I definitely couldn't now.

The End

It was very random, I thought. I wasn't aware a vampire attacked him 'til you said. Now that I know it was a vampire attack, I'm trying to decide who the vampire was. The doctor? Her "paranoia" shadow freak in the bathroom window? The latter sounds good, though the doctor would have been interesting.

Specifics

I understood the advertising board. I don't think anything is needed on that part. I do agree, however, about the line. Is it a very popular movie? Will the tickets sell out fast if they weren't in line? Or were they just uber excited for a vampire movie?

The entire time, I didn't think about vampires. This could be my fault because I zoned out in the first paragraph, and it's pretty clear that the picture was of vampires. So... But the ending included no hint of vampires until she walked in the room, and even then, his neck was ripped apart. It wasn't just bitten, but it was torn apart. I think that's a little over-the-edge for a vampire?

Why Jared? Why was Jared bitten and not some other knocked-out hospitalized patient? Why not Anne?

Explain some of these parts a little more for an effective vampire story.

Overall

This was a good start. It seems to meet the requirements for JFW's contest, though I'm unsure about your selected side-character scene. Was it the tug-of-war? We didn't know the characters there, so I don't know if that works or not. Oh wait, it was Jared? *shrug* I still think it stands a chance. It was good, and I hope I helped a little. ^_^

Good luck at the contest! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

My back began to ache as I sat up *no comma* and *ommit the word "I" here* ran my hand through my knotty, unbrushed hair. I yawned, eying the board I was napping on; it was exploding with dark and dreary colors. The sign read, “Paper Cut;” three tall individuals with pale skin and incredibly sharp teeth were drooling over the title with hungry eyes.

Ooh, be careful here. At first I thought by board you meant a piece of wood. Then, I thought that the individual's were real people, not on the board.

My friend and I were camping out in front of the movie theater until “Paper Cut” tickets were being sold. I glanced at my watch and sighed, leaning back down on the board. We still had to wait five more hours, which was terribly boring if you couldn’t fall asleep.

I would reword the first sentence, as you should show that this through her actions. Perhaps mention that she looked down at her watch, then think, 5 more hours until "Paper Cut" tickets go on sale.

I bumped by head against the board repeatedly, for I was too bored to do anything else. One, two, ow, ow, ow. The more I did this the more pain surged through my head. I gave up on trying to keep myself entertained, and rested against the board once more, staring up at the sky.

Bumping your head against a board isn't all that painful, so long as you have any common sense at all. Put the "One, Two, ow, ow ow" in italics, because she is thinking this.

A snore emanated from next to me and I looked over, glaring at my friend. I felt like punching his stupid nose. My friend rolled over and dug his hands out from under himself, using them as a pillow. Obviously I wasn’t going to be able to get to sleep, so I continued to lean up against the board and take in my surroundings.

"emanated" should be replaced with a simpler word. I don't really understand what the friend did, and it seems like an awefully complex motion to do in your sleep.

Oh, and up until this point, I thought that the board was on the ground and she was lying on it. You might want to make that more understandable earlier.

A scream shouted out from across the street. My head jolted up, surprised by the sudden noise. I glanced over at the source of the noise and saw a woman playing tug-o-war with her purse. The silver sheen of the pocket book bounced off the moon, making the woman and the wannabe thief barely visible.

Saying that she was "playing tug-o-war" makes it seem much less like an actual theifery. By the last sentence, did you mean that the pocketbook was silver and it reflected the moonlight into the main characters eyes?

I shook my friend rapidly, and he snorted as he opened his eyes. “What?” he slurred, scratching his head groggily. He yawned and sat up, his gaze meeting the scene across the street. “Jesus.”

Make the friend seem more surprised.

“Somebody should help her!” a man called heroically, and he dashed over to aid the woman with a couple of his friends following him. They leaped across the street, dodging a couple of irritated drivers in oncoming cars, and tackled the thief.

"Somebody should help her!"? That's not realistic at all.

And the last sentence, you mentioned them dodging "irritated drivers in oncoming cars". Shorten it to "Irritated oncoming dirvers", as we can be pretty sure that the drivers are *gasp* in cars.

“I don’t really care,” He mumbled, slowly positioning himself into his former position. “Wake me up when the movie opens.” I glared at him, but I dismissed my annoyance. Rolling my eyes, I once again positioned myself against the board, keeping a full view of the scene happening across the street.

The friend's answer doesn't really make much sense.

A squeak came from the ticket booth next to me and I spun my head, watching the sweaty teenager open up.
*New paragraph*
“Two for Paper Cut,” I spluttered before he could have a chance to glance up at the long line awaiting before him.

The first sentence stated that the teenager "opened up". I know what your trying to say, but you should make that more clear.

The previews began to start, followed by the highly-anticipated movie itself. I heard expected crunches of popcorn behind me, the sounds accelerating as the title sequence faded into the dreary gray sky. My friend nudged my arm, hopping the slightest bit in his seat.

The change from expectant to expected I showed above might be incorrect, depending on what you're trying to say. Reword the sentence.

"Shit," I heard Jared mutter. We had just begun to be overwhelmed by the aroma of fresh bread. I took advantage of the moment and wafted the smell through my nose, enjoying the breif sensation. "I forgot my glasses."

At first, I thought that they were actual glasses that he left at home. Reword this.

A look of impatience masked his face...

The vampire thing just...I didn't like it. At all. CHANGE IT!!!111one

No, just kidding. I'm really not fond of...vampires.

Well, you asked for a line-by-line, and in the interests of thoroughness that's rather what I'm doing. What that means is it's going to take a few posts to get everything in here, and as I see you've already had a few exellent critiques, let me know if you no longer need my services. But since I've gone ahead and started, I'll just post what I've done with the first page of your story (as reconed by Microsoft Word, where I edit):

and I ran my hand through my knotty, unbrushed hair

You really only need one adjective before “hair,” and I’d pick “unbrushed” as it encompasses “knotty” within it.

I yawned, eying the board I was napping on; it was exploding with dark and dreary colors.

Okay: 1) “the board I had been napping on” (you’re napping no longer); 2) I think a dash or even a full stop rather than that semicolon would be a bit more appropriate—my personal taste tends towards the dash ; 3) do you mean that dark and dreary colors exploded on the surface of the board, like it’s a screen of some kind, or that the board itself physically exploded and there happened to be dark and dreary colors accompanying this detonation? Also, why are you napping on a board?

The sign read, “Paper Cut;” three tall individuals with pale skin and incredibly sharp teeth were drooling over the title with hungry eyes.

What sign? What title? Are these individuals appearing on the screen-like board you’re lying on or are they in real life?

My friend and I were camping out in front of the movie theater until “Paper Cut” tickets were being sold.

1) You might have mentioned this before. 2) (and I know you’ve heard it before) Show don’t tell. Instead of “the board I’d been napping on,” try, “the sidewalk outside the movie theatre” or “the air mattress my friend and I had set up outside the movie theatre.” For the bit about the sign, make it an action, i.e. “I looked up, rubbing my sleepy eyes, to see the same three tall figures drooling over the title of the movie I most wanted to see, just as they had been __ hours ago when I’d fallen asleep.” Or such.

We still had to wait five more hours, and this was terribly boring if you couldn’t fall asleep.

Nix what’s in red—you’ve already sighed and leaned back onto the board, and anyone who’s ever had to wait in line for anything knows that it’s boring. Also (and again, this is just personal taste) something like “Five more hours left,” might work better than “We still had to wait five more hours.”

I bumped by head against the board repeatedly, for I was too bored to do anything else.

Nix the repletion—I know they’re not the same word, but still. Also, you could easily (and beneficially) nix everything after the comma if you replace “bumped” with a more descriptive verb—“banged” or even “tapped” would indicate your boredom more than that entire phrase.

One, two, ow, ow, ow. The more I did this the more pain surged through my head. I gave up on trying to keep myself entertained, and rested against the board once more, staring up at the sky.

“ow, ow, ow”= Made me laugh.
Kill the second sentence—“ow” lets us know it hurts.
Were you trying to keep yourself entertained? I’d have thought the head banging was more an action of frustration than a futile attempt to be amused.

A snore emanated from next to me and I looked over, glaring at my friend.

“Emanated” might not be the right verb for something like a snore. “Blared,” “sounded,” or even “rose” might work better. Also, I’m not a fan of this sentence’s structure, “from next to me” sounds awkward, especially as you go on to show that your friend is close by by looking over at him. Also, having both “looked” and “glared” in the same sentence is redundant. An example of how you could put all these things together: “A snore rose and I glared at my (sleeping) friend.” See? Short and sweet.

My friend rolled over

“He rolled over”—in general, shorter is better.

lean up against the board

Wait a minute, I thought the board was lying down under you? How can you lean up against it? And once more—why are we lying on a board! If you knew you were going to be in line for awhile, why didn’t you bring a blanket or (as mentioned earlier) an air mattress? Also—and you may have wanted to mention this earlier—what time is it? I mean, is it dark outside or anything? Give us a better idea of your surroundings in general so we can be there with you!

A scream shouted out from across the street.

One generally does not “shout out” a scream. Try “echoed,” “rang,” or (yes, this is the right kind of word for it) “emanated.”

My head jolted up, surprised by the sudden noise.

Your head is surprised by the sudden noise? Just replace “my head” with “I.”

I glanced over at the source of the noise and saw a woman playing tug-o-war with her purse.

Nix what’s in red—we can easily guess what you’re glancing over at. Also, one generally plays tug-o-war with another person, not with an object—why not just have her tugging on her purse?

The silver sheen of the pocket book bounced off the moon, making the woman and the wannabe thief barely visible.

1) I think you have the moon and the pocket book backwards—pocket books generally do not give off silver sheens which then bounce off of moons. 2) What pocket book? I thought it was a purse? 3) Is it because of the silver sheen that the woman and thief are barely visible? If not, you might want to reword.

I shook my friend rapidly, and he snorted as he opened his eyes. “What?” he slurred, scratching his head groggily. He yawned and sat up, his gaze meeting the scene across the street.

It’s one of my own worst failings—having too many adjectives. Nix the one’s in red, they’re unnecessary. Also, a person’s gaze generally meets, not a scene, but another person’s gaze. “his gaze taking in the scene” would be a bit more accurate.

with a couple of his friends following him. They leaped across the street, dodging a couple of irritated drivers

“Some” or “a few” could easily be substituted for either of those.

The thief was now laying face-first of the ground, groaning.

You don’t need “was now,” just “The thief lay face-first”—again, shorter is generally better, makes it feel more streamlined. Also, this is just my curiosity, but where’s the purse at this point?

My friend looked at me and shrugged.

Is there any particular reason he doesn’t have a name?

LoveableLittleSock wrote:

My back began to ache as I sat up[s],[/s] and [s]I[/s] ran my hand through my knotty, unbrushed hair. I yawned, eying the board I was napping on; it was exploding with dark and dreary colors. The sign read, “Paper Cut;” three tall individuals with pale skin and incredibly sharp teeth were drooling over the title with hungry eyes.

My friend and I were camping out in front of the movie theater until “Paper Cut” tickets were being sold. I glanced at my watch and sighed, leaning back down on the board. We still had to wait five more hours, and this was terribly boring if you couldn’t fall asleep.

That was kind of boring. I mean you could have told us you looked up at the movie place and say the sign and such. Show us what is happening, don't tell us.

LoveableLittleSock wrote:I bumped [s]by[/s]/color=red]my[/color] head against the board repeatedly, for I was too bored to do anything else. One, two, ow, ow, ow. The more I did this the more pain surged through my head. I gave up on trying to keep myself entertained, and rested against the board once more, staring up at the sky.

A snore emanated [s]from[/s] next to me and I looked over, glaring at my friend. I felt like punching his stupid nose. [s]My friend[/s]He rolled over and dug his hands out from under himself, using them as a pillow. Obviously I wasn’t going to be able to get to sleep, so I continued to lean up against the board and take in my surroundings.

A scream [s]shouted out[/s]sounded from across the street. My head jolted up, surprised by the sudden noise. I glanced over at the source of the noise and saw a woman playing tug-o-war with her purse. The silver sheen of the pocket book bounced off the moon, making the woman and the wannabe thief barely visible.

I don't understand the imagery right there. I think you meant for the moon light to be bouncing off of the purse, but it sounds like the light from the purse is bouncing off the moon. You might want to try re-wording that.

LoveableLittleSock wrote:I shook my friend rapidly, and he snorted as he opened his eyes. “What?” he slurred, scratching his head groggily. He yawned and sat up, his gaze meeting the scene across the street. “Jesus.”

“Somebody should help her!” a man called heroically, and he dashed over to aid the woman with a couple of his friends following him. They leaped across the street, dodging a couple of irritated drivers in oncoming cars, and tackled the thief.

[s]The thief[/s]He was now laying face-first of the ground, groaning. The woman had her arms folded and was smiling triumphantly, watching the purse-snatcher struggle to get up. “Shouldn’t somebody call the police?” I wondered aloud. My friend looked at me and shrugged.

“I don’t really care,” He mumbled, slowly positioning himself into his former position. “Wake me up when the movie opens.” I glared at him, but I dismissed my annoyance. Rolling my eyes, I once again positioned myself against the board, keeping a full view of the scene happening across the street.

Within a couple minutes, it was over, and the hysteria faded into the night. My friend’s snoring overwhelmed the night air, causing multiple eyes to crack open and glare at the source of the noise.

It read a little funny. Having night twice in the last part. Maybe work on some different word choices to not make it sound repetitive.

LoveableLittleSock wrote:My watch flew up to my face probably twelve times in the last minute. I was standing in front of the ticket booth, hopping from one foot to the other while excitement raced through my veins. I’ve never done something like this before, pulling an all-nighter. I didn't expect something so foolish to cause so much adrenaline.

A squeak came from the ticket booth next to me and I spun my head, watching the sweaty teenager open up. “Two for Paper Cut,” I spluttered before he could have a chance to glance up at the long line awaiting before him.

His eyes drifted up to mine and he sighed, shuffling around in the small space the booth allowed him. I slipped my credit card under the small opening and he swiped it, handing it back to me with two tickets.

My grin stretched across my face as I spun around and gave my friend his ticket. His smile rivaled mine as we stepped inside and entered the movie theater. We raced to the screening room, not bothering to get any snacks, and plopped down right in the front row.

The previews began to start, followed by the highly-anticipated movie itself. I heard expectant crunches of popcorn behind me, the sounds accelerating as the title sequence faded into the dreary gray sky. My friend nudged my arm, hopping the slightest bit in his seat.

~

“Jesus, Annie!” I simply smiled at the exclamation. “Didn’t you love that movie?” he asked, clutching my hand as we led ourselves out of the theater so we weren’t separated in the sea of vampire-obsessed teenagers.

“It was good,” was the only opinion that entered my thoughts. He glanced at me and expressed an unconvinced frown. “It was, I swear! Great movie, fabulous movie; I loved it, Jared.” Jared rolled his eyes.

“Sure you did,” he pretended to sulk. Like I cared whether or not he chose to embarrass himself in public.

“Whatever,” I dismissed the subject, annoyed with his childish actions. “Let’s go over to the café across the street; I have money left over from not buying any snacks.” Jared shrugged in agreement and we paused at the end of the sidewalk, waiting patiently for the cars to pass. We sprinted across the street when we got the chance and [s]arrived to a halt[/s] halted once we stepped onto the other side.

“Shit,” I heard Jared mutter. We had just [s]begun[/s]started to be overwhelmed by the aroma of fresh bread. I took advantage of the moment and wafted the smell through my nose, enjoying the brief sensation. “I forgot my glasses.” The sun was relentless today, so we had both brought sunglasses with us. “I’ll be right back,” he turned back outside and I didn’t bother waiting for him, and slid up to the counter to order a scone.

That didn't sound quite right. Did they enter a shop or is it outside? Cause the way it sounds he went back outside, but you never said they went inside only that they crossed the street. It was just a little confusing, might want to clarify it a bit.

LoveableLittleSock wrote:“Two-fifty,” The boy at the counter asked, and I dug into my purse to retrieve my wallet. The sound of change dropping onto the counter collided with an incredibly audible honk of a horn, and the desperate squealing of tires.

My head spun in the direction of the noise and my eyes spotted several groups of people flocking to the car. “One sec,” I told the employee, and I dashed across the street to join the large group.

The street was relatively empty; I didn’t have to wait for the cars to pass. I reached the crowd and pushed past a large woman so I could look upon the source of the driver’s crash.

My eyes lay upon the alleged source, and I broke into tears.

~

Strong hands were leading me across the street. Gulping my sobs, I tried to concentrate on the road ahead of me. "Calm down, Miss," the police officer urged me as I seated myself in his cruiser. "He'll be fine."

I found myself shaking my head strongly in disagreement. The disagreement would have been verbal, but my tears swallowed up any words I could have mustered. He shut the door quietly before plopping into the driver's seat. Sniffing, I looked out the window and spotted a poor man shifting his position up against a dank wall. He looked vaguely familiar, but I dismissed the thought.

We drove behind the ambulance the entire time, which was torturous beyond end. The constant reminder shot my memories back to the horrendous image I saw several minutes ago. My best friend sprawled upon the sidewalk, bruises decorating a large portion of his body. I clasped my hands over my arms as I shuddered relentlessly, unable to shake the image from my mind.

I wanted desperately to ride in the ambulance with him, but the medics thought I was too hysterical. My shoulders were shaking violently as I choked and sobbed to one of them. He gave a half-hearted attempt to comfort me before rushing me off to a police officer; he didn't seem to want to be near me at all.

My seatbelt was driving me to the brink of insanity. Normally I'm all for vehicular safety, but at the moment any kind of restraint pushed me off the edge. My breath exceeded it's current pace by several times, and sweat flowed from my palms. I ripped my seatbelt from it's socket and threw it across the back seat.

We arrived at the hospital several minutes later; the cruiser had to go faster than usual to keep up with the ambulance. We swung into the parking lot as I watched Jared being flung out of the ambulance in a stretcher, being rushed through the hospital doors. I lunged at the door to race out and after Jared, but all I heard was an annoying click when I tried to escape.

"Let me get that," the officer offered, and got out of the car. How could he possibly be so calm? The policeman walked around the side of the car and smiled at me nervously as he opened my door. I didn't thank him - it was his penalty for taking his time - and sprinted through the hospital doors.

~

No matter how bad a situation was, some people always felt that you could forgive somebody in their sleep. The peacefulness overwhelmed the room effortlessly, and I felt at ease. His eyes were closed, his breath steady, and the room a clean, crisp white.

I loved it.

What I didn't love was the white box beeping [s]inconspiciously[/s]inconspicuously next to him. The sound snuck up on you when your thoughts shallowed up, and I glared at it half the time I was in there. The box was as clean and smooth as everything else, but the rhythm failed to be the same. The line was uneven and worrying, and my eyes wouldn't tear away from it. Jared's heart rate was completely unpredictable - to me, at least. The doctors said he would recover in due time.

"Annabelle?" I spun my head around, meeting with the concerned eyes of a doctor. He looked like the paramedic that didn't want to comfort me; I suppose everybody dressed in white looked the same.

"Yes?" I answered in the most composed tone I could create. The doctor approached the bed cautiously, as if he didn't want to spark any strong emotional reaction within me.

"We have to run some tests," he explained. "I'm sorry, but for the moment, you must leave your friend alone." Tears threatened to sting my eyes. I tore myself from my seat and sulked over to the door, stalling as I dropped my hand onto the knob lazily. At a weak moment of curiosity, my eyes wandered to the doctor. A look of [s]imatience[/s]impatience masked his face, and I quit stalling and brought myself to leave the room.

A couple passed me when I gave [s]in to[/s]into my tears. They both shot me pitiful looks as the color of my face escalated to a deep shade of red. Hurrying to the bathroom, I slammed the door and searched frantically for [s]the[/s] paper towels. They were dry and brown, but I could care less. The staleness of the paper rubbed against my skin uncomfortably, and I threw the tear-stained paper into the trash bin.

I splashed water [s]into[/s]onto my face and glared at the mirror, staring into my own eyes. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. I raised my hand to wipe another oncoming tear from my eye, when a gust of wind blew my hair into my line of vision.

My gaze slipped over to the open window just as a swiftly moving silhouette left my sight. At least, I thought I saw a figure. My paranoia was getting to me. I never knew a person could become so unstable after one event.

I wanted to give in to my paranoia. All I had to do was see Jared's face one more time, and assure myself he was alright. I exited the bathroom and entered the hallway, taking a deep breath when I reached for his door.

Upon entering, Jared's disfigured form entrapped me immediately. His neck was mercilessly ripped open, and his eyes were open wide with horror. Blood was [s]absoloutely[/s]absolutely everywhere; dripping from his neck and pouring onto the floor.

The thick red liquid reached my sneakers, and I looked down, unable to figure out how I'm [s]supopsed[/s]supposed to act in such a state of shock. A formerly snow-white coat was thrown onto the back of a chair, now drenched in blood. I couldn't breath. And if I could have spoken before, I definitely couldn't now.

I didn't have the energy to scream.

~*~*~*~

Descriptions

I don't know what any of your characters look like. I don't know what the building looks like. You didn't show me what anything looks like. You have a great chance to show us what Anna is seeing because it is in first person. You can give us insight as to what scenery is around her by dropping in those subtle little descriptions here and there that help build your scene. Everything is kind of blank at this point, I can't really visualize anything or anyone.

Characterization

I think you could expand on the characters a bit more. Maybe some info on how Jared and Anna met? Why are they friends. Give a little more insight into their personalities. I mean she gets all upset and hysterical, but we don't really know why. I mean we know her friend got hit by a car, but why does it effect in this way. Let us know how your character's mind is working.

You do have a really good base of it, but I really think you can expand it past the basis and give us some deep personal meaning for her.

Plot

Was all over the place. The beginning was good, I understood what was happening. I didn't understand why they were waiting outside all night for tickets. We need more on this movie to understand why all of these people are staying outside all night to watch it.

The purse snatch had a nice effect but what did it do for the story? Did it foreshadow anything, did it have some sort of effect on the characters. Jared seemed unaffected by it.

The person Anna thought she saw in the alley, that made no sense at all because it was like an after thought and didn't have any effect on anything after it. If it had something to do with this whack-o doctor than you need to make reference to it so we can see the connection. Otherwise chuck it. It has no influence on the story and will drag it down.

And I'm talking about the ending. It could make sense, but you seem to be working with two plots. Something with the purse snatcher and something with vampires. Pick one. This ending can work. The movie sets up a nice foreshadow if you can expand on it and show us where the connections are made. Maybe the movie had some sort of vampire doctor in it that Jared thought was super amazing.

Otherwise you probably need a different ending because that supernatural randomness throws your readers and makes them go, "huh?" some readers like that feeling, most do not and it's not good to agitate your readers at the end.

Closing Thoughts

All in all you have a great story started here. it really just needs some expanding to really get the full story. Right now it just needs pounding out and tweaking into a better story. And the ending needs fixing. Work hard and you can probably win that contest.

The CCF gratefully appreciates your business and hopes you will come to us for your future critiquing needs. And please, refer us to your friends.

Well, you seem to have gotten a lot of detailed critiques on your actual writing (I only skimmed the critiques, so sorry if I repeat anything), so I'll just give you my overall impressions.

First of all, I'm not a vampire fan. So for vampire fiction, this is about all I can handle. Although, I did feel the ending was a bit of a cop-out. I'm sure if you think a bit more you can come up with something much better, because it really made me think, 'And I just read this entire story... why?'

I thought the best bit was when Annabelle saw Jared and was in the police car. Apart from the ending, I also think you need to work on your beginning. It was a bit boring, and I really only kept reading besause I thought you had a neat title.

Not so fond of your characters, I want to know more about them. For instance, what do they look like? How old are they? What do they like to do, etc.

And is Paper Cut a real movie? I think I've heard of it.


So overall, it's okay. Not brilliant, mainly because of the ending, but it's alright.

Good luck!

The (Side Characters) contest has finally ended, and here is your critique!

Anyways, I think I'll explain how I am scoring this before I read further than the title. I have made a set of guidelines:

Following the rules: /50
The side character story: /20
The side character: /20
The main character(s): /20
Originality/Theme/Style: /10
Dialogue: /20
Personal opinion: /5
Technical details: /5

And you will get an overall score (then turned to a percentage) based on that. I will post the scores you got, and explain why for each category. That way you'll know what to improve on.

However, these scores will not be publicly visible. You may discuss them if you wish, but I am putting a password on them. I will PM you with the password, and you will all get different ones.

That way, only first through third place will be announced. For forth through seventh, you will know that you were one of them, but you won't know which one. I figured that would be a bit kinder.

Also, I prefer to put my overall and nit-picks in an attachment, so that is also there. I can only attach one file, so it has a password, too. I would just PM you the scores, but I know that many people will accidentally delete the PM and then not be able to get to the critique, and I don't want that. Saying that, PM me if you need me to tell you the password again. I will save all of them, and it's easier that way than saving the overalls and getting mixed up in that.

Warning Number One: I am planning on doing a very thorough critique, as this is a contest prize. Meaning a comment on every tiny little thing. (And the scores are all low.)

Warning Number Two: I am not going to read through all of your previous comments, so don't yell at me if I repeat things.

(To everyone else: Yes, I write this same thing for all my critiques in this contest. But I swear the attachments have a real, detailed critique. I just wanted to put something here so I'd get points for the hard work, but I hate converting stuff from Word to here, especially since I'll be so thorough as this is a contest prize. I hope that's okay?)

Best of luck!

~JFW1415

(Make sure to PM me for anything at all, and check out The Side Characters Contest Page for more information on the winners.)

Well, I think everyone else has practically dissected your story, so I won't go into detail.
There were a few things that I wold like to point out. I don't know if anyone else has already; but this is my review, so yeah...
I'll just go over basic ideas. Not too detailed.

The board itself was an advertisement for the highly-anticipated movie of the summer. It had two sides to it, both supported each other in a triangular fashion. A pillow I had brought with me sat on the ground, making me the slightest bit more comfortable when I rested my bum.

If its a new, "highly-anticipated" movie, why would a board be lying around on the ground? And why would your character lay on it rather than the softer grass? Just wondering.

A scream sounded from across the street. I jolted up, surprised by the sudden noise. I glanced over and saw a woman tugging desperately on her purse. The silver sheen of the pocket book bounced off the moon and shone straight into my eyes, making the woman and the wannabe thief barely visible.

Is the moon that bright? It would have to be a full moon, and that still might not be bright enough.
If it is a full moon, you should say so. One more thing, what was the point of this?
It seems kind of random and has nothing to do with the rest of the story. Unless the thief is the vampire. It wasn't quite clear enough.

My seatbelt was driving me to the brink of insanity. Normally I'm all for vehicular safety, but at the moment, any kind of restraint pushed me off the edge. My breath exceeded it's current pace by several times, and sweat flowed from my palms. I ripped my seatbelt from its socket and threw it across the back seat. The policeman twisted around to look at the seatbelt, and I reluctantly put it back on, continuing to agonize.

This is also an unnecessary scene. If you took it out, there would be no missimg information. Noone would be lost or confused. I like the emotion, but when she rips off the seatbelt just to put it back on, thats seriously anticlimatic and a bit of a let-down.

Upon entering, Jared's disfigured form entrapped me immediately. His neck was mercilessly ripped open, and his eyes were open wide with horror. Blood was absolutely everywhere; dripping from his neck and pouring onto the floor.

If he was bitten by a vampire, why is his neck ripped open? Isn' it just a bite? Maybe this is a different kind of vampire, I dunno.


Other than that, it was pretty good.
Annie was a deep, believable character.
I liked the whole accident scene and the hospital.
But remember: Less is more!
(cha,cha, cha, cha...Charmin!)
I'm sorry that was totally immature and completely uncalled for.