magic Kisses

I agree with everyone's reviews about editing first as well as having someone so young, losing their virginity so fast. It did seem like she was pressured as well. Putting more time and effort into your story will make people enjoy reading it a lot more.

Well. *scratches head*

It seems like you've got an addiction to not capitalizing the first words in sentences.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but, honey...that was a disaster.

The smiley faces were too chat-speak-esque. You almost never used periods. You capitalized words that shouldn't be, while neglecting to capitalize words that should. Your grammar is horrific. Phrases were left unfinished....

I'd say, just get rid of this and start over.

Next time, take care to punctuate correctly, use capital letters properly, and review your homophones (e.g., you're vs. your, and they're vs. their vs. there).

Just make sure you think before you write.

Besides, no one worth spending your time with wants to read a short story about first kisses and sex.

Hi Jessica! Stella here!

Okay, first of all, as all the moddies are saying, in YWS, you should always write two reviews before you post your first piece. Rule of thumb.

Secondly, you need to learn grammar. Please. You're fourteen, the rest of us all have to do this.

I is always capital. Never put in little i's. It looks messy. And never put smilies in your prose either. Learn how to use speech marks and capitals better.

Apart from that, your style was... strange.

No thirteen year old I know has lost their virginity. Some girls don't get kissed until they're sixteen. Your MC is desperate and on the whole, rather slutty.

Never begin a story with "Hi, I'm ___ and I'm ___ years old." It really puts your story off to a bad start.

I think that, with a little effort, you could actually write something semi-decent. But this, I'm sorry to say, isn't.

Don't be disheartened though, and keep writing!

PM me if you havve any questions!

-Stella.

Ok. Everyone said what I was thinking while I read this. But ummm. You really need to open up some books and start reading them. The way you wrote this...your grammar was horrible and if you go back over this maybe you'll see the light and the end of this dark tunnel. I think the idea was original but you're MC is nonsensical and for a fourteen year old...wait excuse me thirteen year old. I'm thirteen and there's no way on Earth I'd do what she's doing. Maybe if you add more descriptions, introduce her friends, describe them even. Make this like a diary sequence are something until its her birthday. Talk about the pressures of underage sex and don't make Alex seem like a jerk trying to get laid because he came out that way. I thought he was sweet...uh...the way you wrote this was just too impossible...horrifying really and if you open up a book and read it maybe you'll learn something. So like everybody else said throw this away and never I repeat never write like this again. If you want to be taken serious here you have to give us something instead of nothing. I'm not saying you're a bad writer because I don't know you but what do you think others are going to think if they read this. I know you can do better because you at least captured emotions I think...oh I don't know I just don't want to seem too harsh. Now, if you redo this in a way that is remotely grammatically correct then PM me because I want to see progress.

All those i's need to be I's

some of my friends have already lost there virginity

*shiver* Scary

When we got there i sat down in Starbucks pulled my top down a bit and lifted my mini skirt to wait for a guy to ask me on a date.

That might scare a guy away or she might look desperate...

Typos. A lot of typos and is this really a thirteen year old?

Wow. Capitalize when you start another sentence. It looks worse than when I type.

'' Do You my exquisite eyed Kira want to be my girlfriend?

They were already making love....

'' I know what the gift is , i think its sex and a candle lit dinner for two so where you're saucy lingerie chick''.

This sounds kinda older teen like.

Later At 6pm I got on the Bus to Alex's House i Was So Exited In My Purse I Was Fully Equipped With condoms and that sort.

Um... where'd she get them? Did her friend give them to her?

Wow. I guess the kids rich then? This sounds a lot more for an older teen.

Um over all...


I have no idea what to say. I'm pretty sure my friends like there pride so...

What the heck?

A fourteen year old losing her virginity?!

What is the world coming to?

Why should women degrade themselves like that after many before them were fighting so hard for respect?

Young women giving themselves away like that.

And with bad grammar!!

How do you sleep at night?
Overall this piece is God awful. First I see the terrible grammar errors and the lack of a plot. You rushed everything out. There was no gradual effect of love. This is not even romance, just sex. Its just disgusting. An having emoticons in the piece, very unprofessional. And what makes me sick to my stomach is that someone can be so desperate. Its an insult to women and you should be ashamed. Leaves nothing to the imagination. This is border line pornographic. I have never had to make this harsh of a critique, ever! Before you make another piece of literature try developing your skills and come back here. Better yet, delete, burn it, or put it in a place where it can be shut from society. Thanks now I have to go vomit up my dinner. Sorry for being so harsh.

Okay. First of all you have a lot of grammar mistakes going on, like missing commas, periods and some quoting issues. When two people are having a dialogue skip likes between each person's sentence. EX:
"blah blah bah," I said.
"Blah blah blah," he said.

Also I caught a mistake with the wrong use of the word you're. I believe you were meaning to use your.

And now about the story itself. I'm sorry, but I honestly didn't like it. It was really disgusting! A fourteen-year-old losing her virginity? I don't think it's all that realistic. Also, how did she get condoms? she's fourteen! And this wasn't really romantic at all. As someone else said, I thought this was really degrading towards women as a whole.

Sorry for being mean! Keep trying to write. Just brush up on your grammar skills.

-Domenique

Wow.

Check you spelling and some grammer. Also, i don't think most 14 year old girls, want to have sex. That's rediculous. There isnt much description in the story at all.

Well, I don't really want to eat you, and I can't manage to go through and critique this full thing. I'll try to sum up my critique, without being too repetative.

First, you missed a major rule in writing. 'I' is always, always capitalized. Same thing with names and places. You really need to work on that, because it look bad when you don't do something as basic as that.

Second, you need to puncuate. Without commas, there's nothing but a jumble of words, which is pretty much what you've got right now.

Third, there's really not much point to this. It's actually sending, no offense, a very negative message. In this day and age, a girl losing her virginity at age 14 is extremely frowned upon. Even more so that she only wanted to because her friends would laugh at her otherwise.

That leads into my next point - you have very undeveloped characters. They aren't realistic, and aren't going through a realistic situation in a realistic matter of time.

I hope that helped some. Feel free to PM me with any questions if you have them ^_^

MERRY WRITING

Bella Bambina

Hey.

I don't want to repeat what the others have been saying, and completely tear your piece to... well... pieces. Though there IS stock to what they're saying.

But don't take it to heart. Take it to mind, you know? Learn from this. Now you know, that capitalization is a MUST, and smiley faces a NO. Write something else, and make it worth your while.

Keep writing. Good luck in pieces in the future.

Yes, I agree with KJ totally.

The people above maybe harsh, but they are being honest. They don't mean to be harsh, but they need to be fair when critiquing. You need to learn from this mistake and move on!

We are writers here! If one bad piece gets us down, scrap it and post another! (of course, review other people's work first before posting lol )

But you get what I mean.

Good luck with all your other projects!

Hope this is a learning lesson for everyone!

I'm not going to be another broken record, cause everyone else basically stole the words from under my fingertips, but yeah, this...

HORR-I-BLE!

And one more thing, I don't think a slutty 14 year old girl losing her virginity is unrealistic. Sad and disturbing, yes, but not unrealistic.

So, please, keep writing. I hope no one drove you away...

that was...not right. 14 years old? and getting into a bed with a completely naked boy? being the laughing stock of the school just because you haven't had a kiss and your turning 14 is just plain stupid. I'm 16 and I haven't had a kiss or made out, and I'm pretty popular and no one's laughing at me.

oh, and it's a 2:1 ratio; 2 reviews for 1 post.

Omg!

Okay. This story is very...interesting. Okay, who am I kidding? It was very disturbing. I don't see how a barely 14 year old girl would want to have sex. And i don't see how she would want to do it with a guy she's only known for three days. Also, I seriously doubt she would jump into the bed and rip her clothes off. If so, then I beleive that this girl is seriously messed up. They haven't even kissed before that night! Maybe this is your fantasy, i don't know. But, you really should think about what you're writing.

More than all of that, there are grammer issues and spelling mistakes. It's very confusing to read because you don't know what's going on. Plus, the dialogue is confusing and very hard to read. Please look into other writing topics. And you have to review at least 2 times for each piece of writing.




Alicat159

(Haha, random, but when I started reading this piece the song "Kiss" by Korn came on. Just a hint of irony. )


I predict that this girl, Kira, is going to be a prostitute...

But anyway, I did not like this at all. Not just for the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but it was just poorly written. Friends do not laugh at you for not having kissed a guy. Not real friends, at least. Not good friends... You get the point, right?

Everyone has commented on your grammar and they are all correct, so I need not say any more on that subject.

For someone who's just had their first kiss, what, the day before, she's ripping off her clothes and jumping into bed with this guy? Sounds more like she's already given up her virginity and she's a pro! I think almost every fourteen-year-old in the world has better ethics and morals than to jump into bed with a guy they've been with for a couple days. Maybe if she'd known him for several months? Years? That would make a little more sense.

I do like the idea of this story, though, or what I interperate as the idea: A young girl being pressured to have sex by her peers. Though maybe edit out that her friends are the culprits or develop them more as characters so that we see that they really aren't her friends. (Who's REAL, good friends would do that, after all?) Perhaps make it seem like she's not ready, but really wants to fit in? And she doesn't enjoy the sex?

I agree with Angel of Death in that Alex sounds like a jerk face, desperate, horny little boy (not in those exact words, of course). And what teenager, other than writers and Brits, would use the word "exquisite" in dialogue? I might use it in my mind but not when I talk.

These characters need to be developed and the grammar must be fixed! No smiley faces in writing. Also, if you're going to build on this idea, try putting in detail. Whoever it was that said this is borderline pornographic was right.

Please, either fix it or trash it.

The title is very deceiving...