magic Kisses

Hi I'm Kira, a 13 year old girl who's the laughing stock of her friends because i have never kissed a guy .
In two days i will be turning 14, I really need to kiss before I'm 14 because even some of my friends have already lost there virginity, i really do not want to be the girl in the year books who has never kissed how will it look to my children if i have some.
My Best Friend Tonia ( Yeah Its A girls name as well ) and i are going down to the mall to find a date so i can have my first kiss.
When we got there i sat down in Starbucks pulled my top down a bit and lifted my mini skirt to wait for a guy to ask me on a date.
Three cups of mocha later and finally a Cute guy came to the table but only for Tonia.
Toni and the guy started to talk and he said that he had a cute single friend called Alex, So we got his number.
Later that day i finally got the courage to ask the guy for a date and he said yes were going on the date tonight, in a fancy Italian and yes he's paying!
I'm going to get a kiss ! i repeated a million times .
Its 6pm And I'm waiting for Alex to come, i wonder what he looks like?
Ding Dong The Doorbell Went So i opened the door and there the eye candy of my dreams, ooh i so wish my parents weren't in tonight.
We got On the bus and talked about our hobbies and we were so alike and he lives next door to the Italian restaurant as well.
We got off the bus and we grabbed a table for two and sat down .
We were gazing into one another's eyes then out of the blue he held my hand and he said ' You're eyes there exquisite!' and i got a tingly feeling like you do when watching love films when they finally have sex.
then the food came, he ordered spaghetti to share and salad on the side for us, i just hope for us to join our spaghetti and kiss and sure enough we did the kiss turned into a snog and before i knew it i was inside his house all alone with him watching love actually on the sofa the clock struck 9pm My curfu so i rushed home before my parents knew i was gone.
when i went home i went too bed and waited for my birthday the next morning.
i woke up to find my presents laid out and my parents gone to work so i got dressed to go to school.
on my way to school i heard a voice behind me shouting Kira i turned around to see Alex running behind .
i said to him '' hi what do you want then babe?'' he said '' just to give you you're gift but open it later in class maybe ''.
so i went to school and opened it there in front of all my friends to prove them wrong. the give was layered and layered with paper until i found a tiny note that said '' Do You my exquisite eyed Kira want to be my girlfriend?
if so meet me at my house tonight 6pm for you're gift'' All my friends Were jealous and my friend Fifi said to me '' I know what the gift is , i think its sex and a candle lit dinner for two so where you're saucy lingerie chick''.
I was Worried about losing my virginity but i guess that its better to lose it on you're birthday.
Later At 6pm I got on the Bus to Alex's House i Was So Exited In My Purse I Was Fully Equipped With condoms and that sort.
there was the stop to his house i got of and knocked on his door.
''hiya Kira guess it was a yes then?''
Alex said whilst sweeping me up into the air .
he showed me into his house and made me shut my eyes, ''ready for you're gift?'' he said i nodded my head and opened my eyes there was a naked 14 year old with a hot 6 pack naked on a double bed with a bracelet for me i put it on and jumped onto the bed and whipped my clothes off to snuggle up with him also he did have a big you know what oh it was the best birthday of my life it was just how my first time was imagined but better .

This is horrifying.

If you want anyone to take you seriously, pay attention to grammatical conventions--such as spelling, capitalization, punctuation, and basic grammar. Also, the entire content of this piece is saddening; since when do fourteen-year-old girls feel the need to whore themselves out? This might work as a satire of how far society has fallen, but as nothing else.

Scrap it.

EDIT: Also, I see that you have yet to review anything. As a good rule of thumb, you should be critiquing (that's reviewing) two stories or poems for every one thing you post--and we prefer it if new members critique before posting. Thanks.

Hello Jessica!

Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions or need help finding your way around the site, feel free to PM me. First I would like to direct you to THE RULES. If you haven't read them yet, I highly suggest it! You've already broken one. Yep!

The Rules wrote:III Members are asked to withold on submitting work until they post two reviews. After one has done, a member can submit as much work as he/she may like, although it is requested that one keeps the ratio of reviews to work to at least 2 to 1.

It's OK, we won't eat you. I just suggest you make those two reviews, and do two more before posting anything else! It looks bad if you post without reviewing. Also, why not introduce yourself in the Welcome Section?

On to the review! I'm just going to make a few points, because really, there isn't much... of an interesting story here.

1. Always capitalize the first person pronoun, I. if i were to talk like this and not use commas either and just write like this people would think im real lazy and if you want people to be lazy when their reviewing you 2 then write like this. Here at YWS, if you want people to put their good time into review your work, you better put good time into writing it! If you don't have the writing basics down, you'll never learn how to improve the important stuff.

2. Do not use emoticons (smileys) in writing. Yep. It looks bad, and really, why do you need it? I'm going to quote something from a book I have, and let you decide:

The Literary professor Alison Hickey tells of a student who sent her an e-mail ending in the cyber-convention indicating that he was intending to be humorous. When she asked him what the sideways smiley face added, he explained earnestly that written language was inadequate to convey emotions. She wondered if she should expect a paper from him saying that he didn't like [Shakespeare's] King Lear because it was so

From The Midnight Disease by Alice W. Flaherty

Even if you haven't read King Lear the point is, written language is a lot more amazing than a sideways (or in this case, an image of) a smiley face. Use your words! That's what writing is all about.

3. Write out your numbers! Here is a guide on the YWS blog that talks about it: 7 Tips for When to Write Out That Number.

I realize I critiqued your grammar and all of that, not the actual writing, but like I said, if you don't fix these things first, there is no point worrying about the deeper stuff. Learn how to walk before you run; learn how to use the language before you try to write a novel.

I hope this helps! Again, if you have any questions, or need help finding something on the site, feel free to Pm me!

I would go back and edit it. Also, I think this would be rated R or at lest pg-13 due to the nudity and sex in it. I also don't fully understand why people need to lose thier virginity that that age. Sadly, it seems like that person was forced into doing something that didn't want to do. Because of peer pressure and hormones. Just remember a true man will wait and that people don't have to do something just because other people do it. That's the truth like it or not.

Wow. Okay, you have a lot of grammar issues going on in this, uhh, piece, I should say.

Your 'i's' need capitalizing. You have some run-on sentences, too. When someone is speaking, you need to have quotation marks and commas.

Other than that, I think that this 'story'[ needs a lot of work. Like Thething912 said, why must people our age do it? It's not right. What if you would have had a kid? What would your parents say? It's so NOT RIGHT.
So, I give this story a 1/10, only because of the concept and the lack of grammar.

Sorry if I ripped you story to pieces, but I'm giving my honest review.

I'm not incredibly impressed with this piece; you can do better if you put more effort into it. My suggestions are as follows:

1. Listen to everyone who already posted reviews for your piece; they are all correct.
2. Watch your tenses; you canged a lot from past to present, and it's distracting. Choose one tense, and stick with it.
3. Don't be afraid to use commas. You need them to make this piece flow, because right now, it's like listening to some chatty middle school girl who never takes a breath. Ever.
4. Reality check: usually I don't say this, but make sure your characters are believable. The Alex character is way too dreamy. Guys aren't like that; if you ever find a guy that is, don't waste your time on him, because he won't be worth your respect.
5. What's with all the random capitalizations? Doorbell and You and Went don't need to be capitalized, so don't capitalize them. It looks incredibly sloppy.

Honestly, this piece needs a ton of work. Everyone will like this piece more if you pay more attention to detail. PM me if you edit it and want me to re-critique it.

River

I agree with everyone else's comments. Major editing wouldn't hurt for gramatical errors and what not.
Plus, be careful what you write about... You're so young, and you shouldn't be writing about yourself like this.

What is this?!? This should to be rewritten completely. Your grammar needs tremendous work - you especially need to capitalize and add commas - and take out the smileys. This is a writing society. Also, write out your words. You cannot take a jumble of words, string them together horribly and call it a story.

Once your grammar is correct, and your thoughts make more sense, go through and find more interesting words.

This... piece... really made little sense, and it wasn't very interesting. Keep working on it.

What kind of girl loses her virginity on her 14th birthday? There are so many grammatical errors in this that it is hard to read. Everything moved too fast. It almost looked like a quick entry into a diary. The laughing stock of your class because you are turning 14 and haven't kissed anyone? Look, in less than half a year, I will be 14, and I haven't even been on a date, let alone kissed a girl.

If you DO re-write this, I suggest the fallowing:
1. Fix capitalization.
2. Add comma's in run-on sentences.
3. Make her AT LEAST 3 years older; 14 is WAY too young to lose your virginity.
4. Review at least 4 stories/poems, it's only fair.
5. Remove the smilies.
6. Add emotion. Especially if you're talking in a first-person perspective. Adding emotion connects the reader more to the mind of the character.
7. Make it more realistic: I know I say this a lot, but 14 is way too young for sex. If some guy asks you on a date and kisses you, I doubt he would bring you to his house only for you to have sex with another man (please correct me if I misread this).
8. Add more detail. This makes it easier for the reader to imagine the scene.

Overall, I didn't like this story. And trust me, I could have been a LOT harsher than this.

wow.

that was ridiculous

i cant believe that was all about a 14 year old having sex

disusting

This just makes me sick...what a dreadful ending...

My advice:

Besides the grammar and lack of punctuation, try to make your characters more likable. Your story is too abrupt and quick - the reader can't catch up with the story. Follow the gir's thoughts more carefully.
Also, show - don't tell. Don't write "I was worried." Write clues to show she was worried (sweat trickled down my back. What if...?)

Story overall Is okay, but try to fix those things first.

OK, I'm really sorry, but I found this story to be disgusting. I was not expecting a 14 year old girl to do anything that goes on in this story. It seems so unrealistic. Plus, you portray Alex to be a dream guy. In reality, he's some creep that wants nothing more than physical pleasure the second day he has met the girl! Grammar also seems to be an issue throughout the "piece". On your next attempt, you should make a more believable storyline and more realistic characters. Adhere to the other members' comments. Good luck!

Oh, by the way -
I agree, the story does seem unrealistic. A 14 year old having sex?!

Oh-kay.

First of all, you should read the rules and FAQs before anything else. You already broke a rule. You cannot post a piece unless you have already made 2 reviews.

Second, this story has way too many grammatical errors. I cannot even point them all out. The tense changing are distracting. I suggest you stick with one tense.

Third, I found this story horrifying, unrealistic and quite scary. A 14-year-old having sex? Woah, hold up there! And nonetheless, they just met two days ago! You made the girl look like whorish and waaaaay too desperate. I thought she just wanted to have her first kiss? Is the society now that cheap and uneducated? I pretty much disagree. But here, I think that it looked that way.

Overall, I uh, didn't like it, it didn't seem that interesting. BUT-

I can see your writing potential. But I guess you should pick better topics and concepts which are more appropriate. And probably work on your grammar as well!

Good luck and keep writing!

Peace,
Casey