Death by Scotch

You might be confused if you read this first so go back and read Pieces of Wooden Glass.
[img]http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic31541.html[/img]

Death by Scotch
By Angel of Death


Col-3 Years Later

Damn. The red lipstick on my collar wasn't coming off. In a matter of minutes, my Botticelli angel would be home, ready to ravish me in kisses. She plead immortal with the love she gave me but like a stake in the heart this lipstick would kill her. In the background, the TV rambled on about something that happened in the news. With an innocent interest I fixed my gaze on the plasma screen TV and watched. I smiled, my favorite anchor woman was on tonight, Clara Waters. Yeah she was married, but I've business with her before-which to tell you the truth I'm not too proud of. Her demon's lips were curved up into a commercial smile, and her eyes were iced over with concern. Then all of a sudden a picture of a burning house appeared in the upper-right hand corner. All I could hear was nothing. All I could see was death. Clara's red stained lips were moving but her words meant nothing to me. Only the picture's and the screams were important to me. Death was on the horizon.
Just then the knob to the front door twisted and the door was swung open. Night air poured into the living room, full of hell and shadows. In walked the woman that I feared before the man himself. Fire burned in her eyes, scorching the dead tears that rolled down her cheeks. Scared, I twisted the sterling band that rested on my ring finger. It was pressed deep into my flesh, blood deep.
"Till death do us part" were the words inscribed in the silver metal.
^
Col-6 Years Ago

I was walking down the street, living life's eternal, until a pigeon decided to use my Armani suit as a toilet. Muttering a few profanities, I continued my route up to a giant Victorian-esque building with red doors. Bells sounded, louder than the voices of death in my air. The blood-red door was already open, so I walked past the threshold into a world full of sorrow. All eyes were on me, boring through my soul, waiting. Parallel to my vision was a casket, stained with the invisible force that surrounded it. Death.
The preacher said a few words that only sounded like mesh in my ears, then everyone was allowed to go up and view the body. Fake tears filled the woman who were patrons of this dead man's game. They depended on him like sugar to coffee, but he was never sweet. Before he died, he told me that he wasn't scared because he had " a chance at forever", whatever that meant.
^
When it was my turn to see this man in his deadly glory, I walked up to his casket and placed my hand on his dead-cold cheek. Invisible tears from my eyes, mixing with the blood of his death. I had warned him that this was coming to him but he didn't listen. His death was so close I could almost taste it.
^
Eulogies
^
The air was dead, attuned with the chorus of silence. Black roses veiled his mahogany casket that was almost halfway in the ground. Rev. Peterson stared me, with grave eyes. Everyone did. They all were waiting to eulogize the brother that told me he was not afraid to die. He told me he would have forever. Yeah right, since when did sinner's rise up?
For the last time, I walked up to the podium and placed my lips centimeters away from the microphone.
^
Later that day
^
I drowned myself in glass after glass of scotch until everything was blurry. The tan of my curtains and the white of my floor became one, making a headache rise behind my forehead. With hesitance, I brought the last sip of scotch to my lips, envying the power it had. Tears poisoned the taste the alcohol left on my tongue. A roar of thunder rang in my ears, killing the lights. Between each lightning strike, I could see a hazy shadow coming towards me. Fear illuminated my eyes as the vision became more prominent.
"David!" I yelled.
Then everything went black.

Normally I don't critique fiction, as my knowledge of the subject is not very extensive, but you had no comments! I had to give you something to think about. Unfortunately most of what I write will be confined to grammar. =(

My comments are in bold:

Damn. The red lipstick on my collar wasn't coming off. In a matter of minutes, my Botticelli angel would be home, ready to ravish good word me in kisses. She plead immortal with the love she gave me but like a stake in the heart this lipstick would kill her. In the background, the TV rambled on about something that happened in the news. With an innocent interest I fixed my gaze on the plasma screen TV and watched. I smiled, my favorite anchor woman was on tonight, Clara Waters. Yeah , she was married, but I've done business with her before,which to tell you the truth I'm not too proud of. Her demon's lips were curved up into a commercial smile, and her eyes were iced over with concern. good description Then all of a sudden a picture of a burning house appeared in the upper-right hand corner. All I could hear was nothing. This sounds awkward, "all I could hear was nothing"? It sounds off All I could see was death. Clara's red stained lips were moving but her words meant nothing to me. Only the picture's and the screams were important to me. Death was on the horizon.
Just then the knob to the front door twisted and the door was swung open. Night air poured into the living room, full of hell and shadows. In walked the woman that I feared before the man himself. Fire burned in her eyes, scorching the dead tears that rolled down her cheeks. Scared, I twisted the sterling band that rested on my ring finger. It was pressed deep into my flesh, blood deep.
"Till death do us part" were the words inscribed in the silver metal.
^
Col-6 Years Ago

I was walking down the street, living life's eternal, until a pigeon decided to use my Armani suit as a toilet. Muttering a few profanities, I continued my route up to a giant Victorian-esqueno need for the "-" in Victorianesque building with red doors. Bells sounded, louder than the voices of death in my air. The blood-red door was already open, so I walked past the threshold into a world full of sorrow. All eyes were on me, boring through my soul, waiting. Parallel to my vision was a casket, stained with the invisible force that surrounded it. Death.
The preacher said a few words that only sounded like mesh in my ears, then everyone was allowed to go up and view the body. Fake tears filled the woman who were patrons of this dead man's game. They depended on him like sugar to coffee, but he was never sweet. Before he died, he told me that he wasn't scared because he had " a chance at forever", whatever that meant.
^
When it was my turn to see this man in his deadly glory, I walked up to his casket and placed my hand on his dead-cold cheek. Invisible tears from my eyes, mixing with the blood of his death. I had warned him that this was coming to him but he didn't listen. His death was so close I could almost taste it.
^
Eulogies
^
The air was dead, attuned with the chorus of silence. Black roses veiled his mahogany casket that was almost halfway in the ground. Rev. Peterson stared me, with grave eyes. Everyone did. They all were waiting to eulogize the brother that told me he was not afraid to die. He told me he would have forever. Yeah right, since when did sinner's rise up?
For the last time, I walked up to the podium and placed my lips centimeters away from the microphone.
^
Later that day
^
I drowned myself in glass after glass of scotch until everything was blurry. The tan of my curtains and the white of my floor became one, making a headache rise behind my forehead. With hesitance, I brought the last sip of scotch to my lips, envying the power it had. Tears poisoned the taste the alcohol left on my tongue. A roar of thunder rang in my ears, killing the lights. Between each lightning strike, I could see a hazy shadow coming towards me. Fear illuminated my eyes as the vision became more prominent.
"David!" I yelled.
Then everything went black.

I thought you did a nice job.

Hey again Angel, since I read the first one, I wanted to read the sequal. Here's my review!

Angel of Death wrote:You might be confused if you read this first so go back and read Pieces of Wooden Glass.
[img]http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic31541.html[/img]

Death by Scotch
By Angel of Death


Col-3 Years Later What exactly does Col stand for?

Damn. The red lipstick on my collar wasn't coming off. In a matter of minutes, my Botticelli angel would be home, ready to ravish me in kisses. She pleaded immortal with the love she gave me but like a stake in the heart this lipstick would kill her For some reason, this sentence just didn't read very well to me. Please try to rephrase it . In the background, the TV rambled on about something that happened in the news. With an innocent interest I fixed my gaze on the plasma screen TV and watched. I smiled, There should be a semicolon here, not a comma my favorite anchor woman was on tonight, Clara Waters. Yeah she was married, but I've had business with her before-which to tell you the truth I'm not too proud of. Her demon's lips were curved up into a commercial smile, and her eyes were iced over with concern iced over with concern just sounded like oxymoronish to me. I find another way to say it like glazed over or something . Then all of a sudden insert comma a picture of a burning house appeared in the upper-right hand corner. All I could hear was nothing I could hear nothing but silence. All I could see was death. Clara's red stained lips were moving but her words meant nothing to me. Only the picture' Take out this apostrophe s and the screams were important to me. Death was on the horizon.
Just then the knob to the front door twisted and the door [s]was[/s] swung open. Night air poured into the living room, full of hell and shadows. In walked the woman that I feared before the man himself I didn't really understand this sentence. Please rephrase it . Fire burned in her eyes, scorching the dead tears that rolled down her cheeks. Scared, I twisted the sterling band that rested on my ring finger. It was pressed deep into my flesh, put a period after flesh blood deep.
"Till death do us part" were the words inscribed in the silver metal.
^
Col-6 Years Ago

I was walking down the street, living life's eternal, until a pigeon decided to use my Armani suit as a toilet. Hahah, I loved the way you worded this Muttering a few profanities, I continued my route up to a giant Victorian-esque building with red doors. Bells sounded, louder than the voices of death in my air. The blood-red door was already open, so I walked past the threshold into a world full of sorrow. All eyes were on me, boring through my soul, waiting. Parallel to my vision was a casket, stained with the invisible force that surrounded it. Death.
The preacher said a few words that only sounded like mesh in my ears, then everyone was allowed to go up and view the body. Fake tears filled the woman who were patrons of this dead man's game. They depended on him like sugar to coffee, but he was never sweet. Before he died, he told me that he wasn't scared because he had " a chance at forever", whatever that meant. Okay, the three sentences that I underlined made no sense to me. Who exactly are you talking about. The first two sentences you sound like you're talking about the woman but then it feels as though you switch back to your MC's perspective but it still sounds as though you're talking through the woman. Also the first sentence wasn't worded very well. All in all, I think you should take out the first two sentences and then reword the third one or add other ideas that compliment the third one ^
When it was my turn to see this man in his deadly glory, I walked up to his casket and placed my hand on his [s]dead-[/s]cold cheek. Invisible tears from my eyes, mixed with the blood of his death. I had warned him that this was coming [s]to him [/s]but he didn't listen. His death was so close I could almost taste it. Wait, I thought the man was already dead? Why are you saying that this is coming to him and that his death is close. Also, I believe you overemphasize the word death a bit too much throughout this story. The word itself is mentioned in every paragraph. Try to find other words
^
Eulogies
^
The air was dead See? here's another one. , attuned with the chorus of silence. Black roses veiled his mahogany casket that was almost halfway in the ground. Rev. Peterson stared me, with grave eyes. Everyone did. They all were waiting to eulogize the brother that told me he was not afraid to die. He told me he would have forever. Yeah right, since when did sinner's rise up?
[s]For the last time[/s], I walked up to the podium and placed my lips centimeters away from the microphone.
^
Later that day
^
I drowned myself in glass after glass of scotch until everything was blurry. The tan of my curtains and the white of my floor became one, making a headache rise behind my forehead. With hesitance, I brought the last sip of scotch to my lips, envying the power it had. Tears poisoned the taste the alcohol left on my tongue. A roar of thunder rang in my ears, killing the lights. Between each lightning strike, I could see a hazy shadow coming towards me. Fear illuminated my eyes as the vision became more prominent.
"David!" I yelled.
Then everything went black.

Loved the ending! Such a spine-tingling moment. Very nicely done! Here are some additional comments:

Sex: Okay, I had no idea what gender your narrator was. At the end I realized that it was the same character from your first one. I thought it was a man the whole time so I think you need to be specific. The way you worded the part about her favorite news anchor sounded as though they had had a sexual relationship, that's why I thought your MC was a boy:

Confusion: I was very confused from the part where she goes into the place where his coffin is open. I didn't even know the dead person she was talking about was David. You might want to be a little more specific. There were also places and parts where you seemed to ramble on and on a little bit and got off subject (I tried to point them out).

Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Uh scasha the MC of this part is Col and he is a boy. Col is David's brother and the first part goes into the future where Col is with this woman who is the MC of Pieces of Wooden Glass. What happened was David died six years ago and then he was brought back to life by the MC of Pieces of Wooden Glass.
I decided to add Col in because he plays a very big role in the plot, sorry for the confusion but I hope you'll keep reading. The next installment in the series is going to be called...well I don't know yet but I'll explain everything. Hopefully you'll understand the role the MC of Pieces of Wooden Glass plays.
Thank you for critiquing,
Angel

P.S. Oh yeah sorry about the over-usage of the same words, I really need to crack open a thesaurus but if there's some website that could help me with this please send it to me!!