Remember His Name

He told me he was in love with me, and I told him to go to hell. he told me he would spoil me, would buy me CDs when he could and mix them when he couldn't, he told me he knew me better than anyone else I knew, and I told him not to be stupid.

He gave me money when I was completely broke, and I told him I didn't want his bribes. He told me he really thought I liked him, the way I stuck up for him and talked to him when no one else would, and I told him I took pity on him. he would tell me stories about ghosts, and when we were alone, I would listen closely, but the second she came around, I would tell him he was a fag and walk off.

She made me cry and he called her a prostitute. She would tear me apart with a single sentence, and when he called her a tramp with so many insecurities that she had to push them onto other people, I took one look at her face and defended her.

He would let me stand on the pegs of his bike while he biked me to my apartment when I was too lazy to walk, and if I noticed that anyone saw I would make it clear that I was "just using him." He would hold me while I cried, he would tell me he didn't think I was messed up, just distressed, and I would just cry harder and tell him it was pathetic that the only person who cared about me was someone who I tried so hard to push away. He told me he understood that I didn't mean it, didn't hate him, and I told him, no, really, I did, I hated him with all my heart.

Nothing brought me more satisfaction than the way he looked when I completely crushed him and the next morning he would come back for more, the next afternoon he would spend time with me in the apartment's office, listening to me hate him and telling me he still loved me and he would still wait.

I took him up on his offer once and he told me he didn't know how to kiss. I told him that was okay, I hated him anyway, I didn't want to kiss him, and my face was tear-stained and he told me he didn't believe me at all.

He stuck with me when no one else would and I hated him for that. He treated me with a single shred of human decency and I could not accept that anyone, anywhere, would ever love me at all, so I assumed it was an elaborate joke. I assumed that he just wanted to bring me up so he could drop me from as high up as he could get me.

He really cared for me, even when everything and everyone was trying its hardest to destroy me, even when I let it, and I did not believe him. Worse, I wanted to bring him down to my level.

I don't even remember his name.



Raw, completely unedited except for a quick readability check. I corrected capitalization in Word, as I'd originally written it in-browser (with in-browser spell-check) for a website where I generally write in all lowercase.

Hey, casstic!

This was a bittersweet little vignette--I wanted to hate your narrator for not giving the poor guy a chance, but I really liked her nonetheless. That's definitely a good thing. Often what happens is that your narrator sounds ungrateful and whiny, but her sadness at the end definitely solidifies its sweetness.

The one thing that I didn't understand, besides who the "she" was, was why your narrator wouldn't let this particular boy love her. It sounds like a pretty good deal, right? He buys her things, and gives her rides home, and yet she pretends like it's nothing. Usually, one can keep up the "it's nothing" attitude for a short amount of time, but after awhile, it really does turn into romance or it turns sour. It doesn't make sense to prolong something for so long with no definite reasoning. Bring out her thought process--especially the why of it all--and your narrator's feelings will be clearer and, hopefully, lead to more conflict and other goodness.

Thanks for the read! PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else. ^_^

I agree with Sam, this was almost like poetry and it was ironic in a way. Like I said to somebody before Irony is good to use in stories. I find it interesting that a guy loves with all his heart only to fall for a woman who can't seem to love him back. I wonder what would cause a soul to hate a heart that loves her. Why does she push him away? Then at the end she forgets his name. What did he do to deserve this? I really really want to know, so please keep writing.

Things to elaborate on

Give more depth to the characters maybe, tell about their flaws, their personality perfection etc.

Who is this "she" maybe I read it wrong err I just don't know who she is...but I still want to know about her.

I think this could be longer and more detailed because this is amazing. Just keep writing and adding stuff until it all meshes together, trust me it'll work out.
Keep writing,
Angel

Stupid main character! Give him a chance! Goodness...

Ahem.

This was very good. I bet knowing the past of the MC would have let us know why she hated this guy so much. I think it would be good if you let the readers in on a bit of this. Just to give us a hint as to her reasoning. Because to us, it obviously doesn't make much sense if he was so good to her.

Also, in a lot of the opening paragraphs you wrote your sentences the same--"I...and he" "He..., I" "She...I" etc. I would suggest you switch it up a little after a while. It isn't effective after the first paragraph.

Overall--wonderful job!

Hey Casstic! Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think work better.
Let's do this thang!

casstic wrote:He told me he was in love with me, and I told him to go to hell. He told me he would spoil me, would buy me CDs when he could and mix them when he couldn't, he told me he knew me better than anyone else I knew, and I told him not to be stupid This sentence was a bit too long for my taste. Slow down and split up your ideas .

He gave me money when I was completely broke, and I told him I didn't want his bribes. He told me he really thought I liked him, the way I stuck up for him and talked to him when no one else would, and I told him I took pity on him. He would tell me stories about ghosts, and when we were alone, I would listen closely, but the second she came around, I would tell him he was a fag and walk off Again, run on alert. Try not to fit too many ideas in one sentences. I would also just like to remark that I love the poeticness of this piece so far. It flows very well. I've never been one for repetition but I like htis

She made me cry and he called her a prostitute Wow, who is this new character, please tell us because I'm utterly clueless as to who the she is that you are talking about . She would tear me apart with a single sentence, and when he called her a tramp with so many insecurities that she had to push them onto other people, I took one look at her face and defended her again, RUNON! .

He would let me stand on the pegs of his bike while he biked me to my apartment when I was too lazy to walk, and if I noticed that anyone saw I would make it clear that I was "just using him." He would hold me while I cried, he would tell me he didn't think I was messed up, just distressed, and I would just cry harder and tell him it was pathetic that the only person who cared about me was someone who I tried so hard to push away. He told me he understood that I didn't mean it, didn't hate him, and I told him, no, really, I did, I hated him with all my heart. Watch out runons, please please please, I want to chop them up into smaller sentences

Nothing brought me more satisfaction than the way he looked when I completely crushed him and the next morning he would come back for more, the next afternoon he would spend time with me in the apartment's office, listening to me hate him and telling me he still loved me and he would still wait. hey again runon

I took him up on his offer once and he told me he didn't know how to kiss. I told him that was okay, I hated him anyway, I didn't want to kiss him, and my face was tear-stained and he told me he didn't believe me at all.

He stuck with me when no one else would and I hated him for that. He treated me with a single shred of human decency and I could not accept that anyone, anywhere, would ever love me at all, so I assumed it was an elaborate joke. I assumed that he just wanted to bring me up so he could drop me from as high up as he could get me.

He really cared for me, even when everything and everyone was trying [s]its[/s] their hardest to destroy me, even when I let it, and I did not believe him. Worse, I wanted to bring him down to my level.

I don't even remember his name.



Raw, completely unedited except for a quick readability check. I corrected capitalization in Word, as I'd originally written it in-browser (with in-browser spell-check) for a website where I generally write in all lowercase.

Okay, first of all I just wanted to say I really liked the way you wrote this. Although I'm more of a showing person then a telling person, the way you told this story was very very poetic. I loved that aspect of it.

Running Away with Words: Hello runons, meet my scissor, your a bit too long for me. Okay, so you had way way way way too many runon sentences. They really bothered me. I need you to slow down a bit and split up your ideas. I pointed out a couple of runons but ultimatley once you start identifying them, you'll be able to find them for yourself. Long sentences can be okay, but sometimes you had two or three different ideas going in one that I had trouble sorting through and absorbing at the same time. So watch out. Take your scissors and glue and cut those sentences up. Don't delete any of them, just insert periods and stuff. It will make your piece much easier to read and stronger as a whole.

Other than that, I tip my hat to you! Well done! Keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions!

Very good so far. But I'm wondering: Why is this girl so angry? If you plan to expand this story it'd be great to look into your narrators past and she why she's so reluctant to love. It's a little confusing because you don't give any reasoning to her anger, but then again it makes me want to read on.

Who is the "she" in the middle of your story? It'd be great to hear about her too and how she's connected to your narrator and the boy in the story.

If you start to add other details you'll think of more things to add on and like one of the replies above, it'll all mesh together nicely

Good luck on this!
Missa

Thank you all for the comments.

First of all, every single run-on is intentional. The idea is that the main character is not in the most stable place mentally and emotionally. There is definitely a point for the lengthy, not-entirely-sensible sentence structure.
Thank you for the capitalization corrections. As I mentioned, I originally wrote it in all lowercase, and ran it through Word to correct it - I probably should have checked it myself.

Secondly, if I do add to this, I highly doubt that I will ever go into depth about the MC's past - I think it would take away from the story. I did hint to the fact that she thinks that everyone is out to get her - I could not accept that anyone, anywhere, would ever love me at all, so I assumed it was an elaborate joke. I assumed that he just wanted to bring me up so he could drop me from as high up as he could get me.

Thirdly, I realize that the "she" is kind of a random character, and I do intend to make her purpose clearer in any rewrites or extensions.

I thought this was a great read, casstic. I can see how the MC is unstable in her feelings for his man, how she can't make sense of them, and so puts them under a mis-title of hatred. I can also sense the warped pleasure of that power over him, that dictatorship.
Psychologically, I think you succeeded here.
The only thing I don't like is:

"I don't even remember his name. "

I just think this escapes probability. No matter how much the main character strives to separate herself from this man, no matter how much she declares she dislikes him, it seems unlikely his name would escape her. She obviously knew him pretty well.
Unless it was meant to be a flat-out lie - an effect of denial. In that case, forgive my ignorance.



L

Hey there, casstic! This piece reminded me a little of a diary note or maybe poetry, like a few others have said, too.

She made me cry and he called her a prostitute. She would tear me apart with a single sentence, and when he called her a tramp with so many insecurities that she had to push them onto other people, I took one look at her face and defended her.

Who is this "she"? Please tell (or show) us more, otherwise we'll get confused!

The narrator seems to have a lot of anger inside her. She should just go to a meadow and scream her heart out. That would probably help, and then she'd quit treating that poor fellow so nastily.


See you around,
Demeter xx