Pieces of Wooden Glass

Pieces of Wooden Glass
By Angel of Death


His lips were stained with the devil's sweet blood.

^

Outside the door, music blasted against the walls, giving birth to a crowd of raging party animals. I hungrily unbuttoned his shirt, exposing his skin to the moonlight. His upper lip trembled as I graced his porcelain chest with kisses. The blue of his eyes were cold with life and warm with death, edging closer to immortal beauty. Underneath my hand, his chest was rigid but soft, motionless. He let out a silent sigh, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
"I really think we should get back to the party Aubrey," he whispered.
Alcohol tickled my nose as David breathed in and out. It was the beer talking, I was sure of it. There was no way the Daniel behind this drunken mask would want to resist me.
I kissed the perimeter around his blood-red lips, violently. Soon, he gave in. Everything I knew was him now. The eight cans of Coors Light he chugged down tainted the saliva behind my lips. As we kissed, everything around us seemed to fade into nothingness, becoming endless background music. Even the intoxicated voices that wove in out of my head, died like embers to a flame.
This was the final show David would get before his intermission. The slow beating of his heart coaxed my lips towards his neck. Behind his skin, coursed the sweetest cognac I would ever taste. Ivory fangs slipped from their sheaths, but before I could enjoy the red beer, David stiffened.
"Whats wrong?" I asked, kissing him on the lips.
He let out a shriek of pain, his lips molding into locks of steel. The look in his eyes was all to familiar. I seen it in the mirror the day I became...
My thoughts were broken by the sound of heavy fists pounding at the door. Erratic heartbeats and voices lined with fear, governed my senses. A whole mob of people were on the other side of the white door that separated us from them. It was only a matter of time before they got the door open. So, ignoring the incessant pounding, I forced the lips of my pursuit open once more. Nothing could keep me from him now, it was almost over.

"David!"

Someone yelled his name, oh his beautiful name. A name that would make angels want to fall to a shadowy death. David. My love. Again his lips clamped shut, now they were as hard as nails. I felt a warm liquid slide down my throat and onto my chest. In the moonlight, I could see nothing but wounds from my fangs on David's full lips.
Hunger burned in my throat, beckoning forth the monster that resided in the core of my soul. All I wanted was to make him like me, but the way his blood was singing to me was hard to resist. I could kill him if I overindulged. The crowd was forming eagerly outside, waiting for David to say something so that they'd know he was alright. Downstairs, the music was capturing their minds, making them give into the heat of the moment. By the sounds of the friction their bodies made by moving together, I knew that for them, the party was just beginning.
The bathroom light flickered on and off, and with such abruptness, it faded into the night. Now the moon was spitting ivory rainbows on the wall parallel to the window. Screams drowned out the whispers of the last crescendos of music.
"What are you?" David whispered, his eyes filled with fear.
His lips were moving but I couldn't understand a word he was saying. As I lowered my obsidian lips towards the delicious fountain, I felt him shift from under me. David's muscles were big enough to make Zeus cry but I was stronger. Stronger than he'd ever imagine. I forced my way back into his arms and into his soul. Consumed him until all he knew was me. His lips tried to form fluttering birds but my lips caged them.

"Stay with me," I whispered.

I could feel him nod his head. Slowly but surely he was giving into my spell. A cup of lightning spilled across the sky, blanketing the silvery shadows with electric blue. Then the lights flew to life, illuminating the room. All around us, beer cans lay comfortably on the white linoleum floor. One of those air fresheners that sprayed into the room went off. It caressed my nose, with its sweet aroma. Now, It smelled of roses and alcohol.

David kissed me up and down my jaw. I sat motionlessly, unable to give into the power of him. All I could see was the fire in his blue eyes. All I could feel was the soaring of his dark heart in his chest. My will was broken, I was no longer in control. His warm hands cupped my face, making it impossible for me to fall away into nothingness.

"David!"

Someone yelled his name again, oh that dreadful name. The name of a man who should burn in the deepest pits of hell. My creation. My killer. My lover. Yes he should burn for what he's doing to me. Red flowed from my body onto his bare porcelain chest. With all the strength that I had, I thrust my hand through the window and pulled up a giant shard of glass. Attached to it was a piece of wood. Before I could act on all the images that swam in my head, a firm hand caught mines and pulled it down. I was defeated, yes, I was defeated.

The stake that he had pushed through my heart, hurt like a stab in the back. I thought that he had loved me. I thought that he would want to be with me no matter what. Anger bubbled in my veins, fueling the dead heart that sat in my chest. As my vengeance soared to life, the lights flickered to an abrupt death. I was given strength once more.
In the darkness, I felt around for the piece of wooden glass, until it was hard in my hands. A roar of thunder broke through the silence, sending a cacophony of screams through my ears. David turned his head to the door, fear in his eyes.

^

Fire.

^

The house was on fire, burning like the sky when the sun sets. Didn't anybody ever teach them to turn off the lights when there was an electrical storm? A crooked smile rose on my face, hungry for the taste of agony, defeat. David returned his gaze to me. Violently, I brought his face to mine, and kissed him until blood seeped out of his lips.
"Rest in peace," I whispered, stabbing David in his chest.
Slowly his heart faded into the endless screams of his friends downstairs. The mob that faithfully lingered outside the door, disintegrated like rain on a hot day. As David's body became nothing but a statue, I could still hear the scared voices of his friends.
"David," they yelled.
They were too late because he was already dead. Killed by pieces of wooden glass.

^

Moments after David's death, I could feel myself slipping away. The power I had was nothing but dust in my hands. Angry wind walked in through the window, forever laughing at me. Tears welled up in my eyes, I had nothing left but death.

What have I done? His cherry lips were no longer flavorful. They were dead, past rotten. I killed him. The soul I gave forever to. My love. My David. Now, his glassy eyes shimmered in the coming dawn. He was gone.

I let the salty tears fall onto his scorched skin, hoping to absorb the pain he could not feel. Before my body took its last breath, I kissed him.

^

His lips were stained with blood.

Hmmm, very well done. I like this,are you going to write more? The title caught my eye so I thought I'd take a look. Nice work Angel!

-Max

I don't know if I'll write more, it was kind of a thing that I had to get out of mind but I'll think about it. Thanks

Hey Angel!
Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = WordsI've inserted that I think would work better

Angel of Death wrote:Pieces of Wooden Glass
By Angel of Death


His lips were stained with wine.

^

Outside the door, music blasted against the walls, giving birth to a crowd of raging party animals. I hungrily unbuttoned his shirt, wanting so much to devour everything that made him him I found the end of this sentence a bit awkward. Try to reword it . His upper lip trimmered trembled? trimmered doesn't work well here as I graced his porcelain chest with kisses. The blue of his eyes were cold with life and warm with death, edging closer to immortal beauty. Underneath my hand, his chest was cool You've said cool/cold a lot already. Try to find another word and soft, motionless. He let out a silent sigh, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
I kissed the perimeter around his blood-red lips, violently. Soon, he gave in. Everything I knew was him now. The eight glasses of brandy he chugged down tainted the saliva behind my lips. [s]During the moments [/s]The moment[/b] our lips touched, the music began to simmer down in the background, dying like embers to a fire. Then someone was pounding at the door, [s]mad as rabbits trying to escape a pack of wolves.[/s] That sentence, the one about pounding, was a little too telling. Show us what your MC hears Nothing could keep me from him though, it was almost over.
"David!"
Someone yelled his name, oh his beautiful name. A name that would make angels want to fall to a shadowy death. David. My love. He clamped his lips shut, now they were hard as nails This sentence was a bit of a runon. . I silenced my [s]black[/s] heart, hoping to hear what was going on on the other side of the door. The bathroom light flickered on and off, and then with such abruptness it faded into the night You use then too much. Try to write without that word . Now the moon was spitting ivory rainbows on the wall parallel to the window.
"What's going on?" David asked, pulling me off of his lap.
David's muscles were big enough to make Zeus cry but I was stronger. Stronger than he'd ever imagine. I forced my way back into his arms and into his soul. Consumed him until all he knew was me. His lips tried to form fluttering birds but my lips caged them.
"Stay with me," I whispered.
I could feel him nod his head, slowly but surely he was giving into my spell Split this sentence up. It goes too fast when it's one sentence . A cup of lightning spilled across the sky, blanketing the silvery shadows with electric blue. Then the lights flew to life, illuminating the room. All around us, beer cans lay comfortably on the white linoleum floor Again, slow down. Split that sentence/ideas up. . One of those air fresheners that sprayed into the room went off. It caressed my nose with it's sweet fragrance . Now, It smelled of roses and alcohol.
David kissed me up and down my jaw. I sat motionlessly, unable to give into the power of him. All I could see was the fire in his blue[s]-dead[/s] eyes. All I could feel was the soaring of his dark heart in his chest. My will was broken, I was no longer in control. His warm hands cupped my face, making it impossible for me to fall away into nothingness.
"David!"
Someone yelled his name again, oh that dreadful name. The name of a man who should burn in the deepest pits of hell. My creation. My killer. My lover. Yes he shoud burn for what he's doing to me. Red flowed from my body onto his bare porcelain chest. With all the strength that I had, I thrust my hand through the window and pulled up a giant shard of glass. Attached to it was a piece of wood [s]its equivalent[/s]. Before I could act on all the images that swamed in my head, a firm hand caught mines and pulled it down. I was defeated, yes I was defeated.
Then the lights flickered to death, veiling the small bathroom with darkness once more. As if the angel of death could hear my prayers, I was given strength once more. In the darkness, I felt around for the piece of wooden glass, until it was hard in my hands. A roar of thunder broke through the silence, sending a cacophony of screams through my ears. David turned his head to the door, fear in his eyes.
^
Fire.
^

The house was on fire, burning like the sky when the sun sets. Didn't anybody ever teach them to turn off the lights when there was an electrical storm? A crooked smile rose on my face, hungry for the taste of agony, defeat. David returned his gaze to me, that is when I violently brought his face to mine, and kissed him until blood seeped out of his lips. He let out a silent cry that was attuned with the screaming of his friends.
"David," they yelled.
"David," they yelled.
But he couldn't save them, it was too late. He was dead. Killed by pieces of wooden glass.
^
Moments after David's death, I could feel myself slipping away. The power I had was nothing but dust in my hands. Angry wind walked into the hole in the window, forever laughing at me. Tears welled up in my eyes, I had nothing left but death.
What have I done? His cherry lips were no longer flavorful. They [s]but[/s] were dead, past rotten. I killed him. The soul I gave forever to. My love. My David. Now, his glassy eyes shimmered in the coming dawn. He was gone.
I let the salty tears fall onto his scorched skin, hoping to absorb the pain he could not feel. Before my body took its last breath, I kissed him.
^
His lips were stained with blood.

Wow! intense! Vampires, right? Reminds me a lot of twilight except here she loses control. Wow! Here are some additional suggestions:

Slow down! Some of your sentence have multiple ideas in them, I pointed out a couple but I missed a few. Just take a deep breath. Split up your ideas. Slow it down. Show us everything, show us the scenery, the feelings, the plot without combing three ideas in one sentence. It will read much better that way.

Also, I was a bit confused at the part where you said that she was dying. Please try to clear up any ambiguity as to what it happening. I thought her blood was spilling onto him, not vice versa. The confusion comes a lot with it being rushed, especially those long winded sentences, so again, slow down.

Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, PM me!

Thanks scasha, yeah I was feeling that it was a little rushed myself so right now I'm outlining the scene before I can add more more details. And yes they are vampires, so glad you picked up on that.

Hey there Angel! I thought I'd stop by and repay you for all of your wonderful critiques. I picked a piece out of your profile that was more recent and appealed to me: The Pretty Odd series. I assume you're referring to Panic at the Disco's new album? 'Tis a good one. I especially enjoy Nine in the Afternoon, That Green Gentleman, From a Mountain in the Middle of Nowhere, We're Starving, and I Have Friends in Holy Spaces. They're all very beetle-esque, wouldn't you say.

But onto the critique. Is it alright for me to love and hate something at the same time? The imagery here was exceptional and I think the concept was interesting as well. You managed to produce a very steamy scene there. I was impressed.

On the other hand, something about the characters felt hollow to me. When I was reading about them, they tasted like ash. Especially David. He was absolutely bloodless (pun intended). The MC - didn't catch her name - is intriguing to some extent. She strikes me as a frenetic, sociopathic character, and I like those. They're fun to play with. But I don't think you took full advantage of her. Think about adding some more internal dialogue, give her some flaws, make me either love her or hate her. I have this same problem. I get so concerned with the writing--the poetry, the imagery, concerned with blowing people away--that I forget all about the nitty-gritty. What really makes a story: the characters.

[Hungrily, lustily, she bit his neck heatedly]

Above all, my son, beware the cursed adverbs. This piece had some, not alot, but enough to get my attention. Adverbs should be used as sparing as possible, because they indicate that a writer can't describe and image or a feeling any other way. They're cop-outs. And they immediately kill the quality of a story if not used in moderation. And I know you, Angel. I know that you can do better than throwing words like violently and hungrily into the mix, sometimes more than once. Whenever you find yourself tempted to write an adverb, ask yourself if it's really necessary, and if you think that your readers will benefit from it, take the plunge.

Write responsibly.

[The Silence of the Lovers]

Another thing I was concerned about (and mentioned earlier), is your lack of dialogue. Like eyes, a line dialogue is a window into the soul of your character. They bring them to life. And I noticed that the dialogue here was very sparse. Let me know who David is. Give the MC some killer lines. Animate them with their voices. Sometimes the best thing to do is let go of the steering wheel and let your characters take over. Give them some breathing room.

His lips were stained with wine.

Wait. I thought they were stained with scotch. If you were trying to be metaphoric here, it doesn't work.

My will was broken, I was no longer in control.

But I thought she was in control. She's a vampire, for heaven's sake! ...Or is she having conflicting feelings. If so, she belongs in a nut house and has a lot of potential as a character.

Before I could act on all the images that swam in my head, a firm hand caught mines and pulled it down. I was defeated, yes I was defeated.

I don't understand this. Was it David's hand that brought hers down? Why didn't the glass make any sound when she broke it? Why is David not struggling. Another thing about this piece: it's very confusing in some parts. Clarify please.

Before my body took its last breath, I kissed him.

So she's dead too? How did that happen?

Anyway, nice job. I'll be reading more.

-Kylan