Dark or Light? One will rule and the other shall fall.

I need a name for this because I was just writing for fun one day in class and came out with this:

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Prologue:[/u]

I was a Draknian, a warrior of the dark, and skilled at fighting in the darkness of the desert. My name was Zeek Adams and I drew my sword from its sheath, awaiting the approach of the Anikardians, the warriors of the light. My maroon eyes shone in the grim light.


I dressed from head to toe in my etitilag armor. It was close fit to my body and shining in the mages light. In the dim light you could see how my chest plate and shield had silver melted into complex patterns. My helm was made of the same metals as my suit and shield, etitilag and silver. My sword, I thought, was the most interesting part of my entire look. This sword was two feet long and lethal my hands. It was hand-crafted over 100 years ago and there wasn't another one of its kind. The blade was black and, just like my armor, it had been reinforced with silver mixed in with the etitilag. The handle was crafted of silver with a ruby planted right before the blade started.

Not your average vampire, now am I? Walking out of my tent and to the front of the ranks, I stood in front of the rest of the Draknian Army next to the Draknian Leader. His head was held high and he was ready to defend what rightfully belonged to us, this land and our freedom.

Beginning of chapter one:

I just stood there, in the darkness outside of my home. My tongue slid across my teeth, feeling the sharp points that I had never grown used to, even if they had been there for quite some time. My maroon eyes observed the horizon, thinking about what the Draknian leader had told me earlier that day. If I was called upon to fight in his army, I must go and fight with him. I didn't have anything to fight for, really. No family, hardly ant friends that I think didn't even care about me. All I had was a house, and that was pitiful.

"Damn," I hissed to myself. This was really making me mad and I didn't know why. That is exactly why I was getting mad, because I didn't see what I had to fight for. My father, before he died, most likely told the general that I would be willing to enlist in the army when I came of age. I came of age 92 years ago and they are only just now coming after me? What the hell was that about? I looked about 17 but in all reality I was 109 years old. The reason for this was that I was a vampire, that surely explains my maroon eyes and fangs.

Turning on my heel, I stalked into my pitiful house that was placed in the middle of no where. I continued to stalk all the way to the back of my bedroom and threw a ton of stuff to the side as I dug under a pile of junk looking for something. I knew exactly what I was looking for, I just didn't know where it was. It thought I had seen it here a while ago. I stood up suddenly, finally finding what I had been looking for.

My sword.

Now, if I still had the talent to handle this blade, I didn't know. I walked back out of my house, to the 'backyard' where I was practice my fighting skills on a hay dummy. Slowly, I drew the sword out of its sheath and looked at the blade gleaming in the firelight coming from my fire pit on my 'porch.'

Approaching the dummy I held the sword high and careful. In a defensive position I swung out to hit the leg of the target. The blade soared through the air in front of me and hit the stand the dummy was on, slicing clear through the leg of it. I nodded and smiled grimly. "Perfect, I still got my skill." I said lightly, and thinking of what was to come.

I find the creativity of the plot very interesting. I wish to see more because I love it. Also, for a first story, I thought it was rather enticing and I love it. Please continue it as I would like to see where this is heading.

Hey Blackmist! Welcome to YWS! Just to remind you the YWS rules are that you must give two reviews or critiques before you post any of your own work. critiques to your own written work should be kept 2:1. However, I will review this but please do at least two reviews! Thanks!

Review Key:
Red = Comments
Bold= Words/punctuation I've inserted that I think works better with your piece.
Let's do this thing!

blackmist_riverfrost wrote:I need a name for this because I was just writing for fun one day in class and came out with this:

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Prologue:[/u]

I was a Draknian, a warrior of the dark, and skilled at fighting in the [s]darkness of the [/s]desert. Try to avoid repeating words like dark and darkness My name was Zeek Adams and I drew my sword from its sheath, awaiting the approach of the Anikardians, the warriors of the light. My maroon eyes shone in the grim light.


I dressed from head to toe in my etitilag armor. It was closely fit to my body and shone [s]shining[/s] in the mages' light. In the dim light you could see how my chest plate and shield had silver melted into complex patterns. My helmet was made of the same metals as my suit and shield, etitilag and silver. My sword, I thought, was the most interesting part of my entire [s]look[/s] outfit. This sword was two feet long and lethal in? my hands. It was hand-crafted over 100 years ago and there wasn't another one of its kind. The blade was black and, just like my armor, it had been reinforced with silver mixed in with the etitilag. The handle was crafted of silver with a ruby planted right before the blade started. {color=red] As much as I like description, the intricate details of his outfit were a bit boring. I would take out a few of it. Definitley keep some of them, but don't overload your readers. I would much rather see what your MC physically looks like than what he wears [/color]

Not your average vampire, now am I? Walking out of my tent and to the front of the ranks, I stood [s]in front of the rest of the Draknian Army [/s]next to the Draknian Leader. He held his head high, ready to defend what rightfully belonged to us: this land and our freedom [s]His head was held high and he was ready to defend what rightfully belonged to us, this land and our freedom.[/s] Your wording was a bit awkward, so I reworded the last sentence
Beginning of chapter one:

I [s]just[/s] stood there, in the darkness outside of my home. My tongue slid across my teeth, feeling their sharp points [s]that I had never grown used to, even if they had been there for quite some time[/s]. My maroon eyes observed the horizon, thinking about what the Draknian leader had told me earlier that day. If I was called upon to fight in his army, I was obligated to go and defend [s]must go and fight with [/s]him. I didn't have anything to fight for, really. No family, hardly any friends [s]that I think didn't even care about me[/s]. All I had was a house, and even that was pitiful.

"Damn," I hissed to myself. This was really making me mad What was making him mad? I'm confused. I thought you said he didn't care before because he had no family and no friends. and I didn't know why. That is exactly why I was getting mad, because I didn't see what I had to fight for. My father, before he died, most likely told the general that I would be willing to enlist in the army when I came of age. I came of age 92 years ago and they [s]are[/s] wer only [s]just now [/s]coming after me now? What the hell was that about? I looked about 17 but in all reality I was 109 years old. [s]The reason for this was that I was a vampire, that surely explains my maroon eyes and fangs.[/s] You already mentioned that he was a vampire. Instead say, Vampires were only one of a few creatures who aged slowly or something like that
Turning on my heel, I stalked into my [s]pitiful [/s]house [s]that was placed in the middle of no where[/s]. I continued to [s]stalk [/s] march Try avoid repeating words all the way to the back of my bedroom and threw a ton of stuff to the side as I dug under a pile of junk looking for something. I knew exactly what I was looking for, I just didn't know where it was. [s]It thought I had seen it here a while ago.[/s] I stood up suddenly, finally finding what I had been looking for.

My sword.

Now, if I still had the talent to handle this blade, I would be unbeatable in battle The I didn't know part didn't really fit in with the wording of this sentence [s]didn't know[/s]. I walked back out of my house, to the 'backyard' where I [s]was practice [/s] used to practice my fighting skills on a hay dummy. Slowly, I drew the sword out of its sheath and looked at the blade gleaming in the firelight coming from my fire pit on my 'porch.'

Approaching the dummy I held the sword high and careful. In a defensive position I swung out to hit the leg of the target. The blade soared through the air in front of me and hit the stand the dummy was on, slicing clear through the leg of it. I nodded and smiled grimly. "Perfect, I still got my skill." I said lightly, and thinking of what was to come.

Interesting! Definitley not the normal vampire piece! Here are a few additional suggestions:

Show us! Show us more of what's going on, what the surroundings look like. Show us how he practices a bit more, show us how and why he's angry. The paragraph that you had about that was a bit muddled. Try to slow down and show us through the character why he doesn't or does (I couldn't really tell which) want to fight. Be more specific and clearer. It will definitley help out the piece if you take out your ambiguity.

Other than that, keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions! And don't forget to keep the ratio 2:1. Cheers!

I was a Draknian, a warrior of the dark, and skilled at fighting in the darkness of the desert. My name was Zeek Adams and I drew my sword from its sheath, awaiting the approach of the Anikardians, the warriors of the light. My maroon eyes shone in the grim light.

I dressed from head to toe in my etitilag armor. It was close fit to my body and shining in the mages light. In the dim light you could see how my chest plate and shield had silver melted into complex patterns. My helm was made of the same metals as my suit and shield, etitilag and silver. My sword, I thought, was the most interesting part of my entire look. This sword was two feet long and lethal my hands. It was hand-crafted over 100 years ago and there wasn't another one of its kind. The blade was black and, just like my armor, it had been reinforced with silver mixed in with the etitilag. The handle was crafted of silver with a ruby planted right before the blade started.

Not your average vampire, now am I? Walking out of my tent and to the front of the ranks, I stood in front of the rest of the Draknian Army next to the Draknian Leader. His head was held high and he was ready to defend what rightfully belonged to us, this land and our freedom.

First paragraph: dull. Do I know who he is? No. Do I care who he is? No. Do I care what he is able to do? No.

You're using a monologue to describe a character that has no interest to the reader. Why does he have no interest to me? Because he hasn't done anything. If a guy just randomly appeared and told you the same stuff in the first paragraph, you would call an insane asylum or spray him with mace.

Do something with the character that justifies the attention you're giving him.

Second paragraph: Have you done anything with him yet? No you have not, you continue to monologue. I don't care about how intricate his armor is or how long his sword is. Let me ask you, what difference does it make if he has armor that is intricately decorated? Normal armor isn't good enough? Special equipment means nothing without a special character. Your trying to make the character special by giving him distinctive weapons and armor. You're putting the wagon before the horse.

Third paragraph: No! Vampires again!? The critical question is this: is your character going to act like a vampire, or like a super powered human? Will it have all the weaknesses of a vampire? Or is it just an excuse to have an overpowered character?

Death to this prologue. You don't do anything with the characters to warrant our interest.

I just stood there, in the darkness outside of my home. My tongue slid across my teeth, feeling the sharp points that I had never grown used to, even if they had been there for quite some time. My maroon eyes observed the horizon, thinking about what the Draknian leader had told me earlier that day. If I was called upon to fight in his army, I must go and fight with him. I didn't have anything to fight for, really. No family, hardly ant friends that I think didn't even care about me. All I had was a house, and that was pitiful.

"Damn," I hissed to myself. This was really making me mad and I didn't know why. That is exactly why I was getting mad, because I didn't see what I had to fight for. My father, before he died, most likely told the general that I would be willing to enlist in the army when I came of age. I came of age 92 years ago and they are only just now coming after me? What the hell was that about? I looked about 17 but in all reality I was 109 years old. The reason for this was that I was a vampire, that surely explains my maroon eyes and fangs.

Turning on my heel, I stalked into my pitiful house that was placed in the middle of no where. I continued to stalk all the way to the back of my bedroom and threw a ton of stuff to the side as I dug under a pile of junk looking for something. I knew exactly what I was looking for, I just didn't know where it was. It thought I had seen it here a while ago. I stood up suddenly, finally finding what I had been looking for.

My sword.

Now, if I still had the talent to handle this blade, I didn't know. I walked back out of my house, to the 'backyard' where I was practice my fighting skills on a hay dummy. Slowly, I drew the sword out of its sheath and looked at the blade gleaming in the firelight coming from my fire pit on my 'porch.'

Approaching the dummy I held the sword high and careful. In a defensive position I swung out to hit the leg of the target. The blade soared through the air in front of me and hit the stand the dummy was on, slicing clear through the leg of it. I nodded and smiled grimly. "Perfect, I still got my skill." I said lightly, and thinking of what was to come.

Allow me to generalize this chapter.

The guy is out in night. He's about to go in battle for the first time. Does he worry about the upcoming battles? No! He's wondering why no one called on him earlier? Angst.

Sure, he looks 17, but he's really 109 years old. Yet it doesn't matter in the long run because he doesn't act like he's 109, he just asks like a 17 year old.

He takes out his sword and is able to wield it perfectly after god knows how many years. He does so perfectly.

Isn't this boring?

No conflict, just angst. This character is as flat as a board. Give him some traits which are unique to him alone. So far all I have is a cliche vampire OMG1337 warrior.

I mean, consider Harry Potter. Harry will show emotion. In the first book, you can't help but like him. He's told he's a hero and his reaction is that there must have been a mistake made. There is depth to Harry, because he is actively reacting to the information coming from his environment.

There is no information coming from the environment, it's coming from just one source: the character.

Imagine the thrill you'd give a reader if he opens a letter and finds out he's been drafted! What would his immediate reaction be? Would he dance around the room, or will he sit down in a chair and ask himself what he's got himself into?

I like this prologue, it reminds me of a prologue in a book right before they cut to the epic battle or whats happening modern day, kinda like what you did. And if my post is hard to understand I apologize for I am very tired. I think you need to develop your plot, and characters a little bit more but this is a very good start to a promising story, so keep at it.!

For the prologue, I would just completely get rid of that if I were you. You tend to be info-dumping the entire time (which means that you tell the reader all of the info and not show them)

Then, for Chapter One:

"Damn," I hissed to myself. This was really making me mad [s]and I didn't know why. That is exactly why I was getting mad,[/s] because I didn't see what I had to fight for.

The two sentences contradict eachother; "I was mad but I didn't know why" "I knew why, and this is why" Try to say something like "This was really making me mad, I didn't see what I had to fight for, so why should I even be here?"

My father, before he died, most likely told the general that I would be willing to enlist in the army when I came of age. I came of age 92 years ago and they are only just now coming after me? What the hell was that about? I looked about 17 but in all reality I was 109 years old. [s]The reason for this was that[/s] I was a vampire, [s]that surely explains my maroon eyes and fangs.[/s]

The first sentence would flow much better if said like this "Before he died, my father probably told the General that I would be willing to enlist in the army once I came of age". The way you had it was choppy and harder to read. Try reading your story out loud, and if you stumble or get caught on a sentence then fix it or rearrange it.

The last sentence is just a mess, you don't need anything in it except for "I was a vampire" Also, try to add onto it. What does he think about being a vampire? Why did he become one?

Also, all of chapter one is extremely confusing! Why did he come out of his house? When was he enlisted in the army? If he was enlisted awhile ago, then he probably wouldn't be home and if he was enlisted two seconds ago then you should explain that. Also, if he took a break from the army and was asked to come back explain that too. I am completely confused with your story. I think that you need to just redo the entire the thing, you can keep the plot but try to have it make sense.

PM me when you've fixed it,
-Onceuponatim3xo

P.S. Don't take my harsh criticism to heart, you have something there, but you need to have it make sense and definitely you need to explain what's going on better.