A Feeble Attempt

After so much silence
I made a feeble attempt
To try and make you smile.
And you did, my love, you did.
But the smile…
It never reached your eyes.


---

I wrote this, like most of my works, a long time ago. It's about six motnsh old, but still holds meaning. However, I've gone off it quite a bit. Please feel free to rip it apart.

Hey HC!

That was a nice little poem. Firstly, let me just point out that you don't need to have a capital letter at the start of each line, just proper nouns, new sentences etc.

After so much silence

I made a feeble attempt

To try and make you smile.

Since this is a short poem, I would consider just putting in a bit of punctuation to steady the flow.

Overall, I liked the poem but again, due its size I can't offer much help. Some of the most powerful poems ever written in actual fact, are only one or two verses. But what makes these so strong?

For one--think "outside the box". Yes, I hate that phrase too, but it's true. You will accomplish little if you just state the colour of something. Look underneath, almost dissect the verses. Explain to me the imagery--something as simple as this would essentially have the same background, but how it is told explains everything. Sure, we know the guy wasn't deeply happy, but how did you react? Emotions, dramatic effects!

Good luck.

Your poem is not my favorite
but it is good

You could add more and it could be good

Hello!

I think this is rather good. A bit too short for my taste, but not bad at all. The meaning is sweet and it says quite a lot without saying much, you know?

I liked especially the last two lines:

But the smile…

It never reached your eyes.

I know exactly how this feels and what you mean. This poem got me, somehow. I don't know whether you should make it longer; it might only suffer. But don't quit writing and make your other poems longer, then. Thanks!


Demeter xx

I think it is hard to make an ultra-short poem work well. This, i believe did work. So well done, on that part.
It did have a definite pace and rhythm. There was not a lot of effort needed to read it.
My one problem, is that the subject, was a little weak, and bland. It had no real "oomph", if you understand what i mean.

Nice attempt though, a well written piece.

Sometimes more meaningful things can be said in a single word than in a novel several inches thick. I did really enjoy reading this, and the difficulty level of executing a poem well in a short package and make an impact on your audience is quite high, so I have to give you kudos for that. Technically it was constructed quite brilliantly. So that's another bonus there.

Italicizing, "but it never reached your eyes" was a very smart move, it only added to the impact of the last line, which really helped with the overall effect. Another thing that added to the drama of it were the "..." after "but the smile". It added a suspended silence that crescendoed up to the line in the end.

I think you did a very good job.