The Duty Chapters 5-10 {Being Edited}

Hey everyone! I have officially finished a rough draft of this story and I will be posting the next five chapters soon. I would really appreciate any and all feedback on it Here's the fifth chapter. After people review it, I'll post the next chapter in this thread!
Thanks in advance for reading:


EDIT: Chapters are being revised right now.

scasha wrote:
“How do you know where they’ve taken him?” I whispered as we slunk through the bushes. We were back out in the forest and I was trailing the mind reader, eyeing him closely.

“Can you stop the questions until after we find your friend? If you carry on like this we’ll get caught even before we get close to the fortress,” Eryk stopped and turned, making me halt in my tracks. “Now be quiet, and just follow,” he hissed.

I set my jaw stubbornly, but when he turned and continued walking I sighed. Following him was like staring at a map without knowing what you were getting yourself into. At least this time I didn’t have to chase sun rays, I reminded myself. I slipped after Eryk’s shadow as we wove in between the trees, deeper and deeper into the forest.

We trekked through the broken, scraggly bushes for what seemed like hours. The sun beat down upon my forehead and my breath turned into wheezing gasps. Eryk ran fast for an old guy. He really knew how to keep up the tempo. Eryk paused, turning to face me, his eyes glinting with amusement.

“Am I going too fast for you?” he bit his lip to keep from laughing. Okay, I have to admit my appearance probably looked comical. My auburn hair had managed to frizz its way out of my clip. I pathetically clutched my side.

“The pace is fine,” I gasped, steadying myself against a rock.

He nodded, his face melting back into his serious expression. “We’re at the place,” he nodded behind him at a dense overhanging of branches. “It’s through there.”

I had managed to regain my breath. “What’s the plan?” I asked, fingering the hilt of my blade. Eryk hesitated. (this last part maybe should be expanded, it just seemed sudden with the next paragraph, maybe move the hesitated part down to the next paragraph)
I rolled my eyes. Either the plan was too risky, or he didn’t have one yet. I was betting on the latter.

He finally said, “I’m going to need you to blow up the west side of the wall.”

I gawked at him. Finding my voice, I said, “Don’t you think they’d notice, I don’t know, a massive gaping hole in their fortress. Talk about having a security issue, we might as well have just had them capture us in the beginning. At least as punishment we wouldn’t have to rebuild the thing.”
(
new paragraph for new speaker)
Eryk grimaced, “I didn’t mean it to sound like that. Just burn a hole or whatever your magic does and I’ll take care of the specters."

“How gallant of you,” I shot back, narrowing my eyes. I didn’t know if I could go as far as trusting him to have my back in this one, but the only way to get Merlyn back was to follow his orders. “Fine”, I said, “but I’ll be watching you.”

Eryk nodded. He turned, his black boots crunching the pinecones (I think that is two words) on the forest floor. With one wide armsweep (two words) he pushed the branches aside. My mouth dropped open. This had to be the least secretive of places to have a hidden evil lair. A humongous black building rose up from the ground in a wide open clearing. The sunlight reflected off the building’s metallic surface. I put a hand in front of my eyes, squinting in the light. Eryk slipped out of the cover of the trees. I followed close on his heels, glancing from side to side, my muscles tensing. At least if a black specter materialized here, we’d be able to see it. I wouldn’t be the one falling behind if it did.

Eryk stopped at the center of the clearing, his arms outstretched, “Go open up the wall. I’ll stay here and control the specters.” I halted, opening my mouth to demand why I had to do the dirty work, but Eryk closed his eyes. Something that seemed to be an invisible heat wave erupted from his spot, rustling the tree leaves. He hadn’t told me all his powers, I thought, looking at him angrily.

Thinking better of my fiery want to snap him out of his min-manipulating daze, I ran silently across the grassy stretch to the side wall. I pressed my bare hand against the metal’s smooth surface, whispering, “Don’t worry Merlyn, I’m coming.” I tugged at my blue magic core pulling small strands of power from inside me. I focused the energies, visualizing the formation of a hole where my hand was. Black powder began blowing away from the structure as the material began to disintegrate. I gritted my teeth as I pushed more power into the opening.

What’s taking you so long? an angry voice snapped in my head. I’m doing my best, Eryk. Put a lid on it and let me work, I didn’t have enough time to be surprised at his entrance. I felt the rest of the wall crumble, leaving a hole that was big enough to duck my head through. Let’s go, I thought, trying to think in Eryk’s general direction. Moments later he appeared by my side, slipping into the crevice.

“Alright. He’s down these stairs in one of the cells. Most of the specters are at the other side so we’ve got sometime,” he turned to continue down the stairs but I stopped.

I didn’t want to ask my question, but I had to know, “Is he…alive?” I looked down at my feet, waiting with bated breath for his answer. I felt Eryk’s dark eyes boring into my skull but I knew if I looked up at him, he would feel my weakness and then might think that I wasn’t strong enough for this mission.

“He is now, but if we stand around here debating his existence, his life’ll be the least of our worries.” My gaze hardened. He didn’t need to be so blunt about it.

With that, he charged down the cold stone steps and I followed after him into the blackness. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I soaked in my surroundings. We ran down a long narrow hallway lined with multiple black doors. The floor was made from shiny micah and I had to regain my balance every few seconds as we skidded towards the dungeon. Everything was black, the only indication of our surroundings being tall purple lanterns that were lit every few feet. They glowed eerily through the dark, sending shivers up my spine.

Eryk motioned me through a large black portal and I sprinted inside. He shut the door with a loud clang.

“Merlyn,” I whispered into the darkness.

“He can’t here you Melody. Remember, he’s stone,” Eryk brushed past me advancing slowly into the room. It was a dank, dark chamber that smelled of mold and rotting fruit. The floor was rough beneath my sandals and as I continued after the leader I stepped into an ankle deep puddle. “Gross,” I whispered, shaking the muck off my foot. It would take an hour for me to get the smell of this room off of my body.

I saw the vague outline of Merlyn’s figure and I pushed past Eryk. I wrapped my arms around the boy’s skinny, cold frame, burying my face in his stony shoulder. “Merlyn, I’m here, it’s okay now,” I said, holding him close.

“Sorry to break up the reunion but we’ve got trouble heading our way,” Eryk looked nervously over his shoulder. “I need you to push a bit of magic where his heart is. It’ll spread out and thaw the rest of his body.”

I nodded, placing my fingertips against his stony chest. I closed my eyes, sending sparkles of blue magic into his being. A hot sensation burned through my fingertips as I felt the heat enter his body. Slowly, his clothes near my hand began to soften, shaking off the cold.

“He’ll warm up on the way out, let’s get a move on,” Eryk grabbed my arm, pushing me out of the room. He swung the limp Merlyn over his shoulder.

(Expand this a little bit, is their anyone else down there? A few more details would add a lot to this.)

As we entered the hallway, the hairs on the back of my neck prickled. I skidded down the hallway, trying to remember exactly where we had entered but all the walls and doors looked the same to me. I turned a corner, nearly colliding with a white ghostly apparition. The specter looked as just surprised as I was to see it. I pulled my knife from its sheath and without thinking, slammed the blade into its white, misty body. The specter let out a piercing scream as its form disintegrated into white dust. I smiled down at the cool metal of my knife. These were special makes that the order had issued when I first joined the force. They were especially designed to cut through and burn away specters bodies.

“Melody, behind you!” Eryk yelled and I whirled around, coming face to face with another specter. This one reached out a clawed hand, pushing me to the floor. My back slammed into the hard marble, knocking the breath out of me. My knife skittered away from my fingers as the specter approached.

I scrambled to regain my balance, but the specter had already begun to use its powers. My body froze, rooted to the floor. Don’t panic Melody, don’t panic, I said to myself, my mind racing to find a way out of it. The male ghost floated inches within my face as panic overcame my initial want to remain calm.

“Hello dear Melody. We knew you’d arrive. Where is it?” he snapped, sending another wave of fear through my powerless limbs.

I muscled up the courage to send a snide comment his way when suddenly the specter froze in mid air. Moments later, a hand emerged from the darkness and cleanly stabbed the specter. The remnants of the apparition blew away as I slowly stood up.

(this confused me a little, but I might just be imagening it all wrong)

“Thanks,” I muttered to Eryk who looked at me with a twinkle in his eye. Before he could say anything I held up my hand and said, “But that doesn’t mean I like you any better. And you’re just lucky I distracted it for you.”

Eryk rolled his eyes, “Whatever, we have to get out of here.”

“Mhmm,” I heard someone groan and I looked around in surprise. Merlyn was blinking his eyes, looking around at the world as he awoke from his sleep like trance.

“That’s usually Merlyn’s line. It’s probably what brought him back. Hang in there bud we’re almost out.” I said, as we continued are escape. I looked over at my middle age partner as we rounded the corner. He smiled mischievously and I shot him a death glare. Adults were so weird sometimes.

At that moment, during that thought, that’s when I hit it. Not an idea or an amazing eureka kind of moment, I literally hit something. I slammed into what felt like a solid brick wall. My head ached as I fell to the floor. Moments later I heard Eryk collapse next to me with an audible oof.
I tried to focus, but my vision kept spinning. A sharp pain shot through my back as I tried to push myself up onto my elbows. Slowly, the world became less fuzzy and I was able to make out our surroundings. Fear trickled into my stomach. Around us, in a circle were about twenty specters and they all looked hungry.

ooooooooooo scary ending. Very good work as always scasha, just a few things here and there. You have beautiful writing, so keep it up. The only thing I would warn you about is to slow down just a hair and describe a little more.

Woot, I can't wait for the next chapter.

Again, being edited.

Hey scasha! This is only a “chapter five” review. I will be posting “chapter six” shortly!

Now, as usual, I love it! These kind of stories always make my day, with adventure and suspense.

But I think I will get the nit-picks out of the way before I go into an overview of this story.

I set my jaw stubbornly, but when he turned and continued walking I sighed.

This sentence needs commas and a little rewording. I think it would sound better like this: I stubbornly set my jaw, but when he turned and continued walking, I sighed.

“Am I going too fast for you?” he bit his lip to keep from laughin

Capitalize “he” and add a “g” on the end of “laughing.

Eryk hesitate.

Add a “s” on “hesitate.

He turned, his black boots crunching the pinecones on the forest floor. With one wide armsweep he pushed the branches aside.

Space between “pine cones” and “arm sweep”

A humungous black building rose up from the ground in a wide open clearing.

I’m not sure I like the word “humungous” here. Try “immense” or “enormous”

What’s taking you so long? an angry voice snapped in my head. I’m doing my best, Eryk. Put a lid on it and let me work,

I think you should put “What’s taking so long?” in italics. Then, press enter after “head” and use italics again for “I’m doing my best, Eryk. Put a lid on it…” and so on.

Let’s go, I thought, trying to think in Eryk’s general direction.

Again, I think “Let’s go” should be in italics.

((Okay, let me say this right now, and I just though of it, is that I copy/pasted your story into a word document, so all the italics and bolding people use don’t transfer. So, if those things are already italicized, ignore those above! ))

“He can’t here you Melody. Remember, he’s stone,” Eryk brushed past me advancing slowly into the room.

“hear” instead of “here”. And change the comma after “stone” to a period.

Eryk yelled and I whirled around, coming face to face with another specter.

Comma after “yelled.

All right, now that that is done, this was really good! I always love this story. Nothing seemed out of place so I am on to Chapter Six!

SCASHA! So sorry I have been MIA! I've been in and out of the doctor so I haven't had a chance to look at this. (and it doesn't help I have a job and that I have a new... acquaintance .

I am super tired but by saturday (party tomorrow) I will have this edited for you. I will also have the next chapter of Khelar's adventure for you.

Your friendly neighborhood,

Tanith.

Hey scasha! This is my Chapter Six review!

Oh, the ending of this one really hit me. I really felt for you MC at this moment. You did well with her emotions.

Nit-picks first, impression later

I looked around as small group of the sharp-toothed demons approached us

I think you are missing “a” in between “as” and “small”.

Merlyn’s weak voice reached my ears and I crawled over to his limp body.

There should be a comma after “ears”

“I’m so glad you okay,” I grabbed the boy in a hug.

“you’re” instead of “you”. And there is no need for a comma after “okay”. Just use a period.

Instead of being a wall it was an idea.

Comma after “wall”

I shot a look at Eryk and beneath the crunching of Merlyn’s bones I felt my teleporter friend smile.

Comma after “bones”
Also, this sentence is a little awkward. Maybe reword the beginning part before the comma I suggested.

It doesn’t seem half-bad.” I admitted, waiting for him to shoot me a wise response.

Comma after “bad”

I said and Eryk stood up and walked out of the trap door into the woods.

Comma after “said”

“So, get to the point Eryk,” I said

Comma after “point”

“We can’t just leave him for dead Eryk,” I spat.

Comma after “dead”

He stalked back into the hut exasperated.

awkward. Try: Exasperated, he stalked back into the hut. or something like that. With exasperated at the end, it just drags and is really weird-sounding.

All right, other than all those corrections (which were basically all grammatical things and such) I really enjoyed this. I am really fearful for Meryln right now, and curious about how Melody is going to handle the situation.

Well, PM me when you post more!

scasha wrote:Thanks! Here's Chapter Six! I hope you like it!

Eryk pushed himself up, his eyes widening in surprise. I tried to run as many possible escape plans through my head as I could but I kept drawing a blank. An older specter with wrinkles that curved down his ghostly face stepped out of the circle towards us.

“The girl’s mine,” he said, addressing the rest of the group. The pack looked annoyed but I could tell no one wanted to challenge his authority. “Kill the extra man.”

Eryk’s muscles tensed. (This is not needed) I looked around as small group of the sharp-toothed demons approached us. I grabbed my knife preparing for battle, but my thoughts were far from optimistic. That’s when I heard a sound that lifted my heart out of its figurative gutter.

“Melody, what’s happening?” Merlyn’s weak voice reached my ears and I crawled over to his limp body.

“I’m so glad you okay,” I grabbed the boy in a hug.

Eryk cleared his throat. Right, this is a crisis situation, no time for a reunion. I looked back to see that the specters were closing in; their white hair looked even more unnatural in the darkness of the corridor. That’s when something else hit me. Instead of being a wall it was an idea.

“Merlyn, can you get us out of here,” I asked, grabbing the boy’s arm.
Eryk cut in before Merlyn could answer, “He’s far too weak, there’s no telling what could happen.”

“I can do it,” Merlyn said, his voice soft.

I looked back up at Eryk, “If you want to battle a horde of demons that’s your choice. I’m no coward but I’d rather not be eaten by a bunch of blood thirsty, revenge seeking ghosts.”

Eryk hesitated. Out of nowhere,a woman specter grabbed his arm. Crying out in surprise, he stabbed his sword into her arm. The specters cried out in rage and began to swoop in at increasing speed.

“Fine,” he said, grabbing onto Merlyn.

“Where to?” the boy asked.
(space)
I’ll send him a mind picture of the hut, I heard Eryk’s voice resound in my head and I nodded in agreement.

Moments later the world of specters and their palace tunneled away. I clutched onto Merlyn’s cloak for dear life as we were whisked into a world of bright neon colors. With another loud bang, we all landed on the dirt floor of Eryk’s hut.

Merlyn struggled up into a sitting position, his face white and drained of blood. Before he could push himself up any further, I stood onto my feet and (Delete this first part) pounced on him, squeezing him hard. “Don’t ever, ever do that to me again. You don’t know what I’ve been through, cooped up with this crazy (adj needed maybe?),” I shot a look at Eryk and beneath the crunching of Merlyn’s bones I felt my teleporter friend smile.

Eryk didn’t look happy at all and I released Merlyn, walking over to the man. He was sitting on a rickety chair in the corner of the cavern-hut, his head just scraping the low ceiling. “Now that we’ve rescued Merlyn, I guess it’s time to do what you wanted to do. You know, the whole save the world idea. It doesn’t seem half-bad.” I admitted, waiting for him to shoot me a wise response.

He looked up, urgency playing across his face, “I need to speak with you, alone.” I turned and saw that Merlyn had passed out on the floor, his snores echoing throughout the tavern.

“Fine,” I said and Eryk stood up and walked out of the trap door into the woods. “What’s all this secrecy about?”

Eryk paced, pausing only to look at the surroundings as though waiting for something to jump out at us. “When we were back in the specter lair, I could hear them speaking.”

“So, get to the point Eryk,” I said. His furtiveness was making me uneasy.

“They put a tracker on Merlyn. I’m sorry Melody, but we can’t bring him with us. Their magic ingrained an imprint upon his soul. Wherever he goes, they’ll be able to find him.”

“We can’t just leave him for dead Eryk,” I spat. “He’s my friend. No matter what, he goes with us.”

Eryk’s lips hardened. “Think of what you’re doing Melody. The entire fate of the world rests with you and you’re going to sacrifice every innocent human life on this planet for your friend.”

“The normal humans are lucky they have outcasts like me and Mer to save them,” I said contemptuously to the mind reader. “Humans abandoned us. They hurt us to begin with. I’m not going to sacrifice my only friend for their sake.”

Eryk fell silent. His blue eyes glared at Melody but he let out a sigh of resignation, “Fine, but we’ll have to leave now. The sooner we reach the mages, the better.” He paused before continuing, “But if you screw this up, just know it’s your fault everything’s happening.” He stalked back into the hut exasperated.

exasperated is certainly not the right word to use there since he was sighing right before. Try a different word there.

I rubbed my shoulders, kicking at the leaves on the forest floor in anger. By telling me I was responsible for the humans, Eryk had touched my soft spot. My parents had left me on the doorstep of an orphanage when I was six years old. They hated all the accidents I would cause because of my magic and since I was too different to fit in their world, they gave me up. The orphanage was terrible and by the time I was ten I ran away. Merlyn was a street urchin who found me curled up in a ball one day next to a street gutter. He took care of me. Eventually, the order found us. They were able to monitor every being in Brita and they discovered our magic. I would never ever leave Merlyn after what he did for me. He saved my life. I shivered in the wind and returned to the cave. Being alone had never scared me more than this.

Alright, so not too many changes. Overall pretty good. I look forward to the next installment.

Being Edited!

scasha wrote:Chapter Seven

Eryk led the way through the underground tunnel. I could almost taste his fear, of what, I had no idea. Specters weren’t as scary as we made them out to be because this fear was a different type. It nearly reverberated through the earthen walls of the tunnel. I shivered, pulling Merlyn along beside me.

“The mage camp is less than a mile from here,” Eryk called back to me as we continued a hurried passage through the tunnels.

“Remind me again why we can’t teleport,” I grumbled, ducking my head so I wouldn’t hit the ceiling. My head had been banged up enough for one day.

Eryk sighed. He hated it when I asked questions. That’s probably why I tried to annoy him so much. “You can’t teleport into a mage zone. It’s spelled against any unwanted visitors. You can try if you want, that is if you don’t mind your body being turned inside out.”

I closed my mouth, for once keeping silent. The air was cool in this underground place, but at the same time it felt heavy as though it was pushing down on me. Water dripped down the walls but the floor was dry. Eryk led the way only because I hated spider webs. He swept them aside for me.

(great description here. I know that feeling when I did a lot of cave exploring when I was young. I hate spiders too!

I had put the ruby in my pocket because I didn’t like the idea of a specter’s heart touching my skin. It might turn me into one of those soulless beings. (That is a telling passage, perhaps mention the discomfort it gives her to feel it against her skin again.) I fingered my pouch absentmindedly as we continued down the tavern. The ruby had seemed so much more beautiful than it now appeared. I just wanted to get rid of it now.

I had been spacing out for so long that I didn’t see Eryk stop. I crashed into his rock hard back and he turned around giving me a withering look. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Okay, through this door about two hundred yards off or so is the entrance to the mage camp. It has a shield, an invisible one on the outside so you won’t really be able to tell when you are in the safe zone. The second you get out the door, I need you to take Merlyn and run,” his voice had serious undertones in it.

I nodded. “Take this,” he said, handing me a short blade. It had symbols of protection written all over it.

“I have my own knife thank you very much,” I responded, showing him the glinting hilt of my own.

“You’ll need more than one,” he said, shoving the miniature sword into my hand. Great. He thinks we’re going to die, I thought bitterly, stowing the knife inside my boot. I turned around grabbing Merlyn’s coat.

“Stick close or it’ll be the devil to pay, understand?” I tried to sound stern, but his sickly appearance nearly broke my heart. I nodded to Eryk who stepped aside, revealing a large wooden door. I grabbed the handle, my feet poised to run, and pushed open the door.

I looked around warily, feeling Merlyn positively breathing down the back of my neck. “Stop it,” I whispered to him. “You’re making me nervous.” He inched away and I continued my surveillance. The tunnel had opened up into a large open meadow. I couldn’t really see anything of substance because a misty fog had enveloped the landscape.

I felt Eryk’s hand push me and I stumbled out into the open. “C’mon Merlyn. Run!” I said and took off into the tall straw-like grass. I was halfway across the field when the ground began shaking. I turned around, seeing that Merlyn was lagging behind. I stopped and grabbed his collar, pulling him along. Out of nowhere a horse and rider materialized in the mist. I pushed Merlyn to the ground, unsheathing my knives. The rider wore a black hood, a picture of the ruby in my pocket imprinted on his vest.

As the horse and rider approached, I took my knives and sprung, stabbing the rider in the side. Blood gushed from the opening onto my hands as I looked up at the rider in horror. He was human. I had little time to think, grabbing Merlyn and stumbling towards the campsite which had appeared out of the fog (I would add something about there being fire or tents or whatever is at the camp). The ground trembled even more, unbalancing me as more riders approached. Merlyn tripped, tumbling over a rock in the ground. The hoof beats of another approaching soldier came closer and I helped Merlyn scramble up.

(My only comment would be is the rider dead? Does he give scream? Be a little more specific)


“Go,” I yelled, shoving him in the direction of the camp. Merlyn’s face was pale with fear, but he knew my serious tone. With that, he sprinted into the safety net. I turned to follow when a sharp pain split across my cheek. Blood dripped from the deep gash into my eyes, as I saw a rider take the butt of his baton, slamming it across my chest. I fell to the ground, my knife knocked away from my hand. The rider aimed the sharp tip for my heart. Just as he was about to stab the life out of me, I rolled aside, the tip of his steel spike slamming into the ground. I grabbed his weapon and struck his chest. He fell from his horse and I ran towards the safety area.

As I passed through the magic boundary, I felt a pair of hands wrap around me. “Melody,” I heard Merlyn cry out in relief.

A deeper voice accompanied Merlyn’s, resounding through the space, “Fetch a healer.”

I felt someone grab me roughly by my coat, “Do you have the ruby?” The gruff voice whispered in my ear.

Goodness, how many times were people going to ask me that question? I nodded, reaching into my leather pouch that wrapped around my waist. Panic replaced my calm as I emptied out the bag. Nothing. It wasn’t there. I looked back frantically at the battlefield. It must have fallen out. I struggled to my feet, pushing the hands off of me. I had to get it, it was my duty to bring it here. How had a failed such a simple task? I sprinted towards the opening. As I reached the edge, Eryk burst through the magic line, colliding with me.

“Where are you going?” he asked, surprised. Long, bloody gouge marks had been torn across his sides, his face pale and weary.

“I, left, I can’t believe,” I stuttered, trying to find the right words.

He didn’t need me to explain anymore. He opened a gritty palm revealing the glistening red ruby. “Be more careful next time,” he scolded, placing it in my pouch.

My system was frazzled. I had just gone from near-death to calm to panic to shame within a few minutes. The world blurred in my vision and suddenly, everything went black.

Very very good. I liked it much better than your last installment. I think you could be a bit more descriptive here and there, but overall you are getting better at moving the story along. I enjoyed it very much.

Good work. You kept me interested the whole story. I like your characters although I think the name Merlyn is not very original. And I really like the specters, very cool creatures. Your ending was great, and I loved that line about hitting something and not like Eureka. lol, I thought that was great.

Eryk ran fast for an old guy.

I don't like old guy, sounds like slang. Maybe change it to old man.

“Am I going too fast for you?” He bit his lip to keep from laughing.
Start new paragraph here. Okay, I have to admit my appearance probably looked comical. My auburn hair had managed to frizz its way out of my clip. I pathetically clutched my side. Delete the space here. “The pace is fine,” I gasped, steadying myself against a rock.

I had managed to regain my breath. “What’s the plan?” I asked, fingering the hilt of my blade. Eryk hesitated. I rolled my eyes. Either the plan was too risky, or he didn’t have one yet. I was betting on the latter.

Delete the space between Eryk hesitating and Melody rolling her eyes it isn't necessary.

Talk about having a security issue, we might as well have just had them capture us in the beginning.

Delete the words in bold.

Thinking better of my fiery want to snap him out of his mind-manipulating daze

I think you were trying to write mind instead of min.

What’s taking you so long? An angry voice snapped in my head. I’m doing my best, Eryk. Put a lid on it and let me work. I didn’t have enough time to be surprised at his entrance.

Period instead of comma. Its in there in bold.

Everything was black, the only indication of our surroundings were tall purple lanterns that were lit every few feet.

Indications of our surroundings sounds weird. Maybe you could say the only light source instead.

“He can’t hear you Melody. Remember, he’s stone,” Eryk brushed past me advancing slowly into the room. It was a dank, dark chamber that smelled of mold and rotting fruit. The floor was rough beneath my sandals and as I continued after the leader I stepped into an ankle deep puddle.

Leader sounds weird, I would just change it to Eryk.

“That’s usually Merlyn’s line. It’s probably what brought him back. Hang in there bud we’re almost out.”

I don't like the word bud in there. Maybe buddy, but not bud. It is too modern of slang to be used in a piece like this.

Keep up the good work!

Being Edited

Scasha, this is the seventh chapter review.

As usual, this was good! Full of excitement. Very suspenseful. I would have liked to see more of the battle between Melody and the horse-and-rider, but that’s your choice if you want to add more or not. But, before I go into more detail, I need to do the individual stuff first.

I could almost taste his fear, of what, I had no idea. Specters weren’t as scary as we made them out to be because this fear was a different type. It nearly reverberated through the earthen walls of the tunnel.

?? These lines were very confusing. I think I kind of got the idea, how you were describing that his fear wasn’t about the Specters, but I think a rewording it needed here. Try to be more specific with what you want the reader to know, or realize.

I just wanted to get rid of it now.

I think “now” would sound better at the beginning. With it at the end, the sentence drags.

I crashed into his rock hard back and he turned around giving me a withering look.

I think you should have a comma after “back” and “around. But maybe I’m wrong, so don’t quote me on that!

He inched away and I continued my surveillance.

Now, I am almost positive that there should be a comma after “away”. But again, don’t quote me!

I turned around seeing that Merlyn was lagging behind.

Need a comma after “around”

Okay, now that that is done, I will give you my overview.

1) As I mentioned before, I would have liked to see more action between Melody and the horse-and-rider. I felt that it was kind of rushed there.

2) The very end. I felt that her emotions, as the last sentence said, very confusing and rushed. Need to add more to each one. Like show her panic at the ruby being gone, then relief at Eryk finding it, then shame because she lost it. Expand each one more to make it easier on the reader

3) Meryln. He played a very small point in this chapter. At first, I was kind of confused on where he was. It didn’t seem like he was there at all until Eryk mentioned him. I would have enjoyed seeing him here, since he is my second favorite character besides Melody

4) Good descriptions but I would love to see more. Describe the meadow, the rider (need more there. You did basics), the person that suddenly grabbed her at the end. Stuff like that.

Well, that is about it. This is so getting good!

Can’t wait to read more!

scasha wrote:Chapter Eight

“Order, I said, order,” the loud gruff voice I had heard from the battlefield yelled across the room.

(I do not like this sentence at all. Give a name, or just say the loud gruff voice.)

I had been given multiple healing medicines after I had passed out, sleeping for what the mages said was days. (Again, this sentence just sounds awkward.) Now that the potions had worn off, I was brought before a committee of fairies and mages who had wanted to discuss the gem. [s]Too bad [/s]Elyon’s voice, the man who was demanding order, was giving me a headache.

I sat at a round, wooden desk. There were five other…creatures sitting near me, their curious eyes dissecting me. I was uncomfortable to say the least. Eryk stood at the back of the room, his pensive expression revealing nothing [s]of his being[/s] as his gaze flitted from person to person. Elyon turned towards me.

“Melody has safely carried the gem to our dominions. The Order, it seems, had disobeyed our wishes of allowing the Specters to keep their heart but it has worked to our advantage,” his eyes were unsmiling so I wasn’t sure how good of an idea it was for the Captain to have had me take the gem.

“How is it a good thing?” interrupted a short stout man with pointy ears that protruded from under a blanket of white hair.

“The specters have been planning to attack mankind for a while to avenge a certain misdemeanor on our part. For now, we will wage war against them on the surface, while Melody take on a different task. ” Elyon said. He turned his gaze back towards me and I shifted in my seat. The starched cotton of my white dress was making me even more uncomfortable. I would have rather been in my fatigues facing a thousand specters than here in this room. “Do you know what that misdemeanor was, Miss Melody?”

(You like the word battle a little too much. Try using war now and then. Also, fatigues sound much better than the word you had there.)

I shook my head, trying to swallow. My throat was dry with fear. “The specters[s], for all of your information,[/s] were merely humans who decided that they wanted to live for eternity,” the mage said, staring into my eyes curiously. I raised my eyebrows.

Elyon continued, “They decided that they would voluntarily prevent their own souls from moving on to death. A group of mages [s]like myself[/s] created that ruby, binding all of the specters souls into it. As long as its heart beats, so does theirs. It was my fault, and the fairies fault that we let it get so far.” A sad look swept over his face.

“Can’t we just destroy it then?” I asked quietly, looking down at my hands.

The fairies turned to look at me, aghast. “No, no that is impossible. Few people can even touch it. The answer isn’t the heart itself, Melody. It’s what it represents,” Elyon said slowly, looking carefully at my face.

I nodded, trying to figure out his enigmatic riddle. “Death,” I said finally. It was the only answer I could think of.

Elyon smiled, “Now, we are getting somewhere.”

“What exactly do I have to do?” I asked. Just get to the point, why does everyone always have to bate me with their creative puzzles. I heard Eryk snicker from across the room and shot him a death glare. [s]I kept forgetting he could read minds.[/s]

Elyon paused, exchanging glances with the fairy leader. “You have to go into the land of the dead.”

“Is there a one way wagon to that destination or do I have to stop and make a cargo change?” I asked. He had to be kidding. The land of the dead was a myth. It didn’t exist. At least not a physical one that people could actually go into. I waited for him to say just kidding or something, but it never came. He just stared at me, taken aback and a sinking feeling went into the pit of my stomach. Why couldn’t the destination have been less morbid?

“The forces of evil are gathering quickly Melody, and if we don’t get rid of that jewel fast –“

“I know, I know, all the humans will perish,” I said finishing the sentence for him. Too bad I wasn’t human. “So you need a martyr of some sort to die for them,” I said, standing up.

“That’s not how we like to phrase it,” Elyon said, pity gleaming in his eyes. “But so far only you and Eryk have been able to touch the object. You have to take it back to its place and release the bound souls.”

Anger threatened to bubble from my throat, but I pushed it back. It wasn’t like I had any other purpose in life. I had been destined for disaster from my birth. It was only fitting that I would have an ending such as this. I swallowed my own reservations and nodded, “Fine, when do I leave and where is this place?”

Elyon seemed to relax as he sat back into his high-backed chair. “Lucky for you, you won’t have to travel far. It’s beneath our city, or at least the opening is. Pack your belongings, we’ll send a guide up to your quarters within the hour.” The members of the room stood, shuffling out of the meeting place. None looked me in the face, fearing or at least I hoped, that just by looking at me they would see their own guilt. I hoped they did. It wasn’t as if I’d created this problem, but now I was forced to fix it.

I followed Eryk out of the room, but Elyon placed a hand on my shoulder, delaying my exit. “The world thanks you, sweet song,” he said, his sadness positively drowning me.
I shrugged off his hand, “For what I’m about to do for it, it better.” He looked hurt but then shook his head, walking away as if I would never understand. It was them who would never understand.

I tramped up to my quarters flopping onto the bed. I felt the choking feeling as though I was about to cry a river into the silken bed sheets. I closed that part of myself down, forcing myself to sit up and look around at the room. All things considered, this had been the nicest place I had ever seen. The village itself known as the Mage Campsite (such a creative name, I know) was made from clay huts that were sculpted by artists into little domes of paradise. It’s funny I was leaving this place for hell. The room had an arched ceiling that rose above my head, forming an elegant peak at the top. The bed beneath my legs was soft and fluffy, making me feel as though I was sitting on a cloud. Gold paint from the walls glistened in the sunlight. I reached my hand inside my pocket and pulled out the ruby. How could something so evil be so beautiful? I threw it down in digust and it bounced across the red carpeted floor, landing by the doorway. I stared down at my hands, a lump rising in my throat. I gritted my teeth. Crying was a sign of weakness, and I would have none of it.

“No need to chuck it at me,” a voice echoed from across the room. I looked up and saw Merlyn, stone in hand approach the bed.

“Thanks,” I said, taking the ruby from his outstretched palm. Realization dawned on me. “Wait, how did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Pick up the stone?”

Merlyn shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Eryk walked into the room, a dark bag on his bag. “Looks like Merlyn’s coming with us.” Merlyn smiled, his black eyes twinkling brightly from behind his spectacles.

“What do you mean?” I was so confused, looking from the smile on Merlyn’s face to the grim line of Eryk’s lips.

“The mages cured me of the specter magic, taking out the imprinted tracker that had put on me. But since I still have a part of their magic, I can touch their hearts. Which means I’m coming with you,” before he could finish his sentence, I jumped off the bed, wrapping my arms around him. The hardest part of leaving for the underworld would have been to say good-bye to him. At least I really had someone I could trust on this journey with me. And I wouldn’t have to shed any tears.

“Enough of the reunion stuff,” Eryk said. “Let’s pack and go.”

Interesting. Alright so I do have a few comments that pertain to the story itself. You can PM me if you want so you don't have to spoil it for everyone else.

1. We are now on chapter 8 and I still don't know anything about Eryk. As I have said before, when we are in his "home" you might want to put clues as to his origin if you are going to explore that at all. As part of the peanut gallery, I really would like to know a little more about him.

2. The old guy, Elyon did not have the feel of a mage. One thing that you might want to change is the way he talks to melody. He starts out gruff and then changes to normal. That is the way I read it but I might have read too quickly.

3. For some reason, I feel like you are rushing again. I really liked the last chapter but this one felt like you were pushing it out instead of letting it flow.

Overall though it was good. I just had a few nitpicks here and there. Good job, and I look forward to the next chapter.

Gosh, I am always a step behind everyone in correcting your stories...Grr...Jeeze...

But anyway this is the "chapter eight" review. lol

Wow…very sad. So Melody is going to die? That is the only part I’m sort of confused by…will she be able to get back from the land of the Dead, or will she die down there? And will Merlyn and Eryk die too? Or are they free from dying because Melody is the one that is setting the souls free, not them? Yeah, lots of questions. And I have a feeling they will be answered in the following chapters

Anywho, I only found two things to comment on:

He just stared at me, taken aback and a sinking feeling went into the pit of my stomach.

I think there should be a comma after “aback” but don’t quote me. I’m not very good with grammar

The bed beneath my legs was soft and fluffy, making me feel as though I was sitting on a cloud.

I don’t really like the word “fluffy” in this sentence. It sort of ruins the elegance of the room. Maybe try “downy” (if that is the right word for pillows filled with duck down or whatever ) or “plush” or something like that. I’m not sure…but I just don’t like “fluffy”

Well, I think I will do a character and plot review for this chapter since I really haven’t done one yet.

Characters

Melody: Head-strong, spirited, young girl with an attitude. lol I really enjoy her. She has that “I don’t care what anybody thinks and I’m going to do what I want” kind of outlook on her life and her surroundings. And she really grows on you. But I do think that you need to clear up her past a little. I thought she was human until this chapter when she said she wasn’t. (but maybe that is just because I haven’t read the first few chapters in a while ) So, I don’t know…maybe that is just me.

Merlyn: Shy, timid, but a lovable young lad. His part is getting smaller and smaller and Eryk’s is getting large. Which disappoints me…I really like Merlyn. He is like my favorite character. But it is hard to grow attached to him when his part is shrinking before my very eyes. But maybe that is part of your plan and I’m just being negative.

Eryk: Harsh but a genuine guy. Older, but wise. I like him. But his character is so hard to figure out. Sometimes, he seems so withdrawn from his surroundings. But then, like that moment when he told Melody that she couldn’t stay with Merlyn…he just seemed commanding and controlling. It was like a different side of him. And then, in the large room during this chapter when he was reading her thoughts and he laughed. That was a less harsh side of him that I have never seen. I don’t think us readers have seen him laugh yet?? Maybe…maybe not. I can’t remember. But I do think that you need to show us more of that. Hopefully we will as the story goes on!

Umm, I don’t think I am going to do all the other characters because they play such minor roles that I can’t really give a say on them.

Plot

Everything seems to be flowing pretty smoothly in this department. The land of the Dead scene was a big surprise for me. I never saw that coming! And I am really depressed if that means Melody is going to die. It means the end of this simply superb story! lol

But yes, hopefully this is all helping you and I can’t wait to read the next installment!

Hey Scasha! I am appalling and took *way* too long to get back to you on this! Hopefully you'll see this as you revise those chapters.

Chapter Five

“Following him was like staring at a map without knowing what you were getting yourself into.”

- I’m not sure about this analogy. I don’t know the importance of “without knowing what you’re getting yourself into” no one ever really knows what’s coming or what they’re getting into, so I would have thought that this was a part-way given?

“Eryk ran fast for an old guy. He really knew how to keep up the tempo. Eryk paused, turning to face
me, his eyes glinting with amusement.”

- I’d suggest a semi-colon after “guy” instead of the full stop. You start both these sentences with “Eryk” though, and that’s distracting, noticeable. I suggest you change one to “he.”

“he bit his lip to keep from laughin.

- “Laughing”

“My auburn hair had managed to frizz its way out of my clip. I pathetically clutched my side.”

- I suggest you make this into one sentence. Take out the period and have “and” instead, I’d also suggest a small re-arrangement so that it’s “and I clutched my side pathetically” – It feels a little better.

“We’re at the place,”

- That sounds awfully awkward. Why wouldn’t he just state an ominous “this is it” or “we’re here”? That’s just personal opinion.

“ Eryk hesitate.”

- “Hesitated”

“He finally said,”

- This feels terribly ick to read. It’s awkward. I’d suggest something like “he finally stopped fidgeting.”

“Don’t you think they’d notice, I don’t know, a massive gaping hole in their fortress.”

- This is a question, include the question mark.

Just burn a hole or whatever your magic does and I’ll take care of the specters.

- You’re missing the end of the speech marks.

“Eryk nodded. He turned, his black boots crunching the pinecones on the forest floor.”

- Make this one sentence, “…nodded as he turned, his…”

“With one wide armsweep he pushed the branches aside. “

- “arm-sweep”

“hidden evil lair.”

- I think you can do without “evil” because “lair” assumes secrecy of any kind, you know?

“A humungous black building rose up from the ground in a wide open clearing.”

- Comma after “wide”

“The sunlight reflected off the building’s metallic surface. I put a hand in front of my eyes, squinting in the light.”

- This is written as separate statements which affects the flow of the writing. I think if you made this one sentence, with a “and” instead of the full stop and perhaps “through” instead of “in” the light would work a little better?

“I halted, opening my mouth to demand why I had to do the dirty work, but Eryk closed his eyes.”

- I don’t think you need the “to demand why I had to do the dirty work” < I don’t think you need this at all. It’s superfluous. I think we already know why she’s turning.

“He hadn’t told me all his powers, I thought, looking at him angrily.”

- You don’t need “I thought” here – it’s in her perspective, I think that you can do without it. I’d also suggest switching the start and end of this sentence, but that might shift the tense, which wouldn’t be good. Consider, though.

Thinking better of my fiery want to snap him out of his min-manipulating daze, I ran silently across the grassy stretch to the side wall.

- Is she really running silently? The grass makes no sound? Is it wet… or particularily soft? This just puzzles me, because when I’m on grass I always make noise. “Mind-manipulating”? and I’d take out “fiery” We’ve established it’s an unhappy look, this is unnecessary.

“I pressed my bare hand against the metal’s smooth surface, whispering, “Don’t worry Merlyn, I’m coming.” I tugged at my blue magic core pulling small strands of power from inside me. I focused the energies, visualizing the formation of a hole where my hand was. Black powder began blowing away from the structure as the material began to disintegrate. I gritted my teeth as I pushed more power into the opening.”

- I, I, I, I – That’s all I see here. You’ve got a series of action that don’t connect; you’re lacking the here. flow that this needs. Join the second and third sentences with an “and” or something similar and take out the “I” before “focused.” then have something like an “as” to start that second sentence then let the fourth sentence be part of that one, this might make a long sentence, I suggest rearranging some commas and full stops so it works. You *need* some flow here.

“an angry voice snapped in my head. I’m doing my best, Eryk. Put a lid on it and let me work,”

- I’d suggest a full stop after “work” and starting this sentence with “His” instead of “an”

Let’s go, I thought, trying to think in Eryk’s general direction.

- Ick. I don’t like this. Firstly: You have her thinking in italics if she wants him to hear. I suggest you do this here. Secondly: don’t include the “I thought”.

“Most of the specters are at the other side so we’ve got sometime,”

- “some time” is two words in this instance.

“I didn’t want to ask my question, but I had to know, “Is he…alive?” I looked down at my feet, waiting with bated breath for his answer.”

- You don’t need “My question” here. And I suggest taking out “with bated breath” here, it’s cliché and sounds a little awkward.

“With that, he charged down the cold stone steps and I followed after him into the blackness.”

- They can’t feel the stone, how does she know it’s cold? Don’t use the sense if it’s not possible they know it’s right. If that makes sense.

“The floor was made from shiny micah and I had to regain my balance every few seconds as we skidded towards the dungeon. “

- I’m confused, what is “micah” exactly?

“He can’t here you Melody. Remember, he’s stone,” Eryk brushed past me advancing slowly into the room.

- “Hear” and a comma after “me”

“It would take an hour for me to get the smell of this room off of my body. “

- I think “might” or “will” would do better than “would” here.

“I saw the vague outline of Merlyn’s figure and I pushed past Eryk. I wrapped my arms around the boy’s skinny, cold frame, burying my face in his stony shoulder.”

- Take out the second and third “I” and turn “wrapped” into “wrapping” and have “I buried” instead of “burying”

I nodded, placing my fingertips against his stony chest.

- Whose chest? It sounds like you mean Eryks, but I know you mean Merlyn’s. Use his name here.

“He’ll warm up on the way out, let’s get a move on,” Eryk grabbed my arm, pushing me out of the room. He swung the limp Merlyn over his shoulder.

- “As he swung…” would work better here, make it one sentence.

The specter looked as just surprised as I was to see it

- No need for “to see it”

These were special makes that the order had issued when I first joined the force.

- “On the blade were…” would work better than “these” we don’t know she’s even
looking at markings at this point.

“The male ghost floated inches within my face as panic overcame my initial want to remain calm.”

- Male ghost, how does she know it’s male? There’s not yet been any clear mention of the distinction, has there? (I’ve read your other chapters, but perhaps do not remember them so well)


“Hello dear Melody. We knew you’d arrive. Where is it?”

- I don’t like the “dear” here, coupled with the “snaps”

I muscled up the courage to send a snide comment his way when suddenly the specter froze in mid air.

- I dislike this use of “suddenly” – I think the use of “froze” indicates a quick halt, I’d take out “suddenly” – if not, move it to before “froze”

“ “Mhmm,” I heard someone groan and I looked around in surprise. Merlyn was blinking his eyes, looking around at the world as he awoke from his sleep like trance. “

- Okay. Here take out the “someone” and use “the” instead, remove the “I”. Can you blink things other than eyes? Take out “his eyes” and “at the world” < he’s not looking at the world, he’s looking at a corridor of black, I’m surprised he can see at all. And I don’t think “sleep like” is necessary, we already know what the spell thing was like, you’d described him at points.

“I said, as we continued are escape. “

- I feel that she “explained” rather than “said”, you use this word a lot anyway, I’d use explain instead. Also, “our” escape.

“At that moment, during that thought, that’s when I hit it. Not an idea or an amazing eureka kind of moment, I literally hit something. I slammed into what felt like a solid brick wall.”

- Ew. You can write better than this… rather… unfunny little pun. I don’t often hear “hit” and an idea word, anyway, so I was confused when you stared on about the idea stuff. I suggest removing that part of the sentence completely.

“I tried to focus, but my vision kept spinning. A sharp pain shot through my back as I tried to push myself up onto my elbows.”

- Make this into one sentence – “and a sharp pain…”

Okay. So, I’ve done a kind of thorough critique – a VERY late critique at that – of this fifth chapter. I have to say that I won’t be doing any other chapters just yet. Mainly because I found that the same problems continued – and preceded this chapter and if you look very closely through your text, you should see these issues.

You tend to make a lot of statement type sentences which meddle with your flow, it could be much better if you made those sentences a bit longer and had a look at some good connector words. This is your biggest problem, the flow of the entire chapter was out because those sentences didn’t connect, so it felt like I was starting and stopping as a reader all the time.

If you fix these issues or edit the later chapters (I’m up to ten) feel free to contact me again. I’m so sorry this was so late, a mix of uni and appalling time management messed me up. I promise any subsequent critiques will not take so long.

Much luck!

*Hearts* Le Penguin.