I Feel So...

This is the first poem that I played with structure so please tell me how that worked out. Reviews are always greatly appreciated!

I Feel So...

Alone.

I feel so separated from everyone.

I feel d i s c o n n e c t e d from my friends and the people that care.

I want to feel close to people again.

I used to enjoy the bonds that I held with my peers — but now…

I sit in the corner listening to the constant chatter of the people that I once knew.

I used to be a part of that; but I’m not sure that I liked it.

I’m not sure what I prefer: this life of solitude,

or the petty social interactions of the day.

I’m just afraid that remaining like this will leave a welt in my heart.

I’m missing the chance; the chance at friendship, the chance for fun,

The last chances to grab hold of the final fringes of my childhood.

But for now, I will remain

Alone.

Just a thought: ee cummings, a poet back in the day, actually did a lot of experimentation with the style and spacings and formating and whatnot, so you're definitely going to want to look at his poetry to get a better sense of what works and what doesn't. That way, you can spend less time experimenting with what works and what doesn't and more time writing poetry. There's some really good stuff of his and I think you'll enjoy it immensely. One of the reasons why I like his stuff is it's bizarre and random and, even though it is bizarre and random, the formating still fits the subject of the poem, however strangely.

With that said, I don't think the poem is... random enough. I mean, you are taking an extremely modern style in styling this poem, and I sort of expected it to be more unconventional, like the spacing. But it wasn't. It was just a rant about how alone the narrator felt. But the despair and the loneliness didn't come out to the reader and the styling didn't help it at all. Before you fiddle with the poem's format, make sure you have a strong poem underneath that can connect to the reader emotionally. And how will you connect emotionally?

Well, if you told some random person off the street, "I feel lonely, blah, blah," it's more than likely not going to work. But! If you look lonely and morose and everything else, if somebody sees you on the street, they're going to think, "Wow, poor dude." Or! You have to CONVINCE us via storytelling that your life is miserable, and then the person would have to be like, "Wow, that sucks BIG TIME." That's the feeling you want from the reader. So you have to show us, using powerful imagery and storytelling. After you come up with this, do whatever you want with the style. But it's gotta be there first.

Thanks a lot for the comments Snoink. I agree with you, about the storytelling and imagery. I've always had problems using literary devices and things like that, I've always just been good at expressing things that happen. Like that poem was in Science class when we had a sub. I was quite literally, sitting in the corner listening to the rest of my classmates whom I used to be friendly with talk. I have trouble coming up with the actual situations, thus I have trouble using symbolic wording and that sort of thing. I've been trying to work on that more though, and I think that I'm getting better, this was earlier in the year that I wrote this one. Thanks a lot for the suggestion, I'm going to look up ee cummings now. Thanks again.

well i get what you were trying to do with this poem and at some points i like what i read and you made me care about what you were saying but at other times...well... it didnt stick as well and although i hardly remember much from it. i think i has lots of potential. and is is a nice poem.