Which one

Okay, I'm trying to write an introduction to a rather long story... Both of them match the topic, but in different ways. I would just like to know which is writter better, or if they're good. ANY comments would be apreciated! Thanks!

The hammer slammed onto the table in slow motion. BAM echoed through the cold, empty court room. Rose took no notice as the judge left, slaming the door. Only she remained. A single tear flowed down from the corner of her eye. The verdict: request denied. Denied. Denied. What sense did it make? There was nothing in Ithim for her. Mr. and Mrs. Indetis (her legal gaurdians) had been dead for five years to the day. Parents: dead. Friends: The two she had were leaving. Boyfriends : nonexistant.
A hand found her shoulder. Startled by the touch, Rose jumped.
“Maybe next time,” a lady she recognized vaugly from the village whispered.
Rubbing her large, green eyes, she managed (with effort) a tight smile. The audience of the court began slowly to reappear. Brushing her fingers through the long, dark hair resting on her shoulders, Rose returned to the world.
Gosh, she had to look like crap. Leaving the sympathetic crowd behind, Rose picked up her Versase handbag and trudged down the hall to the bathroom. Maybe next time would be different.




OR…

Her footsteps echoed around the cave, taking on an almost physical quality in the dense darkness. A wind from ahead blew the think dark hair off her shoulders. There was an erie green glow maybe ten feet away. Her eyes were transfixed upon the gem. Another step.
“Go forward,” The silence commanded, “reach out… Touch it…”
Involentaryily, her feet moved. Her hand twitched at her side.
“But… I mustn’t.”
Her reply seemed uncertian, and another step was taken.
She wanted it so much.
“Touch it.”
A mouth had formed out of the mist, followed by the rest of the head. Rose took no notice. A cloacked body came.
“Touch it.”
There were more figures appearing.
“Just reach out.”
The figures began to chant… The command was powerful. How could one touch hurt? She just wanted to feel it. The attraction was so strong, like opposite poles of a magnet. There were only a few feet of empty space between her hand and…
“Shit!” The sudden cry woke her.
“This damn door is too small!”
Rose groan and covered her head with her teddy-bear pillow (Yes, she still slept with her stufted animals too.) Why couldn’t she ever just dream of hot guys?

syneva wrote:The hammer slammed onto the table in slow motion. Huh? Is she seeing it in slow motion or is it actually in slow motion? BAM echoed throughout the cold, empty court room. Rose took no notice as the judge left, [s]slaming[/s] slamming the door. Only she remained. A single tear flowed down from the corner of her eye. The verdict: request denied. [s]Denied. Denied.[/s] I don't think this part is very effective. What sense did it make? There was nothing in Ithim for her. Mr. and Mrs. Indetis (her legal [s]gaurdians[/s] guardians) had been dead for five years to the day. Parents: dead. Friends: [s]The two she had were leaving.[/s] both were leaving. Boyfriends: [s]nonexistant[/s] nonexistent.
A hand found her shoulder. Startled by the touch, Rose jumped.
“Maybe next time,” a lady she recognized [s]vaugly[/s] vaguely from the village whispered.
Rubbing her large, green eyes[s],[/s] she managed (with effort) a tight smile. The audience of the court began slowly to reappear. Had they vanished or something? A little elaboration would be nice. Where exactly were they reappearing from? Brushing her fingers through the long, dark hair resting on her shoulders, Rose returned to the world.
Gosh, she had to look like crap. Leaving the sympathetic crowd behind, Rose picked up her [s]Versase[/s] Versace handbag and trudged down the hall to the bathroom. Maybe next time would be different.

Her footsteps echoed around the cave, taking on an almost physical quality in the dense darkness. A wind from ahead blew the [s]think[/s] [thick?] dark hair off her shoulders. There was an [s]erie[/s] eerie green glow maybe ten feet away. Her eyes were transfixed upon the gem. Another step.
“Go forward,” The silence commanded, “reach out… Touch it…”
[s]Involentaryily[/s] Involuntarily, her feet moved. Her hand twitched at her side.
“But… I mustn’t.”
Her reply seemed [s]uncertian[/s] uncertain, and another step was taken.
She wanted it so much.
“Touch it.”
A mouth had formed out of the mist, followed by the rest of the head. Rose took no notice. A [s]cloacked[/s] cloaked body came.
“Touch it.”
There were more figures appearing.
“Just reach out.”
The figures began to chant… The command was powerful. How could one touch hurt? She just wanted to feel it. The attraction was so strong, like opposite poles of a magnet. There were only a few feet of empty space between her hand and…
“Shit!” The sudden cry woke her.
“This damn door is too small!”
Rose groaned and covered her head with her teddy-bear pillow (Yes, she still slept with her [s]stufted[/s] stuffed animals [s]too[/s].) Is this fact necessary? Why couldn’t she ever just dream of hot guys?

Okay, I am going to choose the second one because a) it's better written and b) it makes more sense. I think at this point you really need to concentrate on your grammar and spelling (particularly). Also, you need to develop different ways of describing things. Is her appearance necessary for the plot? Generally I don't like to describe in too much detail what characters look like if it's not needed. Perhaps you should think about that.

Feel free to PM me.

Good luck with your story.

PS: Ah, just noticed you've given no reviews. You might want to check out the rules. You have to give two reviews before you post a story. I don't think they're going to go nuts about it but you might want to try reviewing soon.

Thanks! I'll work on that.