The Writings of Sonlen Evandar Xiulta

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February 1, 2008

I can sense dark presence near us, very near, much too near, I am extremely worried. I shall tell Kitar now.





February 2, 2008

The presence, it seems as if it were right in front of me, but I see nothing. I wave my hands in front of me but they do not come in contact with anything, very strange. I asked Kitar if he had any idea about it, he said he didn't know, he was trying to sound calm, but I could sense he was worried.



February 4, 2008

I see a faint blot on the horizon, Kitar thinks it's the location of the clan. I've stopped wearing the Amulet, and so the present has grown fainter, not gone, but fainter. There must be some connection between the two.



February 7, 2008

The blot has taken shape, it looks like ruins at first glance, but if you stare long and, hard you can make out a cave made from the ruins. It is definitly the location of the clan. The Amulet is giving off strong energy, nothing seems to be able to muffle it, Kitar and I will just have to stand it until we find out how to muffle it's energy.



February 8, 2008

What I am about to write is extremely disturbing.

We walked into the cave slowly, staying alert for the attack that might come any moment. Though we weren't attacked; we were greeted by a young vampire.
He said, "Come this way, to the Bloodchief." Kitar slowly nodded, his eyes told me to stay on my guard and to not unstring my bow.
When we reached the Bloodchief I immediately asked him about the Amulet, he smiled and said to me, "Come we shall unlock it's power," I was unsure about this, but I was forced to, as I noticed there were many armed vampires surrounding the room.
They led Kitar and myself to a chamber that I could sense was tainted with evil. One vampire asked me to step into the center of the empty room and place the Amulet on the stone table that was there. I did so. I was then asked to say three words, I did not know their meaning, I do now though, but I will not write them down.
Once I said these words the, strange presence I sensed earlier, it was back! It was stronger! I cried out in pain as I saw what I had done; A demon was rising out of the Amulet. It was terrible, blood red eyes glared at me with hatred. It charged me, but I was unable to move. Instead of colliding with me as it should have, it went within me! It's presence vanished, as did the ruins of the clan. I blacked-out.
I awoke a few hours later and asked Kitar what had happened. He told me the vampires had attempted to release a demon to destroy the world, but instead it is now within me. I asked him if we could destroy it, we couldn't. We could only release it. So now, if the vampires do not attack within a few days to try to release it, they have most likely found another way to destroy the world, or whatever else they are planning. So for now I bear the burden of the demon. I do not know what effects it will have, but I must stay on my guard for anything.



February 10, 2008

We have decided to head back towards the the forest, where I used to live.



February 12, 2008

So bored!!! Absolutely nothing to do! I know I should be worried, but i'm just bored! We've been riding all day.



February 14, 2008

I've been trying to meditate, but it has always been interrupted by visions of the horrible vampire demon. I don't understand this, I have never been interrupted by anything before. I know this is, should be, extremely disturbing, enough to cause my concentration to falter. But nothing, nothing ever, has been able to disturb my meditation, save myself. I am unsure about this.



February 19, 2008

Sorry for not writing for so long, there's been nothing to report. We've reached the Forest. But for some reason, something just doesn't feel right..... Well, enough of that, I've finally had the mind to ask Kitar how old he is, he's (you won't believe) three hundred forty-six years old. Three hundred forty-six! I can't believe it! He doesn't look older than 27! I knew tree spirits lived a long time but this is ridiculous! Are they immortal as well?

February 21, 2008

This is even more terrible than January 27.

We were riding through the forest at a rather slow pace. There was some brush in the way and I knew that we would have to clear it, as there are enchantments placed upon the forest so that you cannot enter any elven village by any means other than a certain path. It took about an hour to clear the brush.
What we saw then was terrible. My kind, elve's dead bodies were lain on the ground as if they were bloody toys of a baby giant. I was not the only one in despair, trees, hundreds, thousands had been either blasted or burned. I would guess Kitar recognized they once were his kind. We both wept openly.
About an hour later, as I walked through the wreckage, I came upon what once was my home. Both my parents bodies were laying there, looks of fear on their cold, dead faces.
When I went back to Kitar he only had three words to say to me, "Come with me." I did. He led me to what was once the blacksmith's. There was a sword on the ground, it's hilt engraved with the same markings as the Amulet.
I suddenly felt an extreme rage. I exploded! I had to kill! I unsheathed my sword and began striking Kitar with blows I never thought possible. All I remember after that was a look of extreme fear in Kitar's eyes and the uncontrollable desire to kill. I think I blacked-out.
I woke up about an hour later to see Kitar nursing a large gash on his left arm. "Ah, so you woke up," he said.
"What is happening to me?" I had to know.
"I don't know for sure," said Kitar, "but I'd bet it has to do something with that Amulet and the Demon." I was terrified, and still am, of myself.

February 22, 2008

We have decided to let the humans, the dwarves, and if there are any left besides myself, elves, know of the Clan of Guren.



February 23, 2008

I've noticed I've only been focusing on battles and death and destruction. It's been hard not to. (As I hope you can understand.) But now I will try to be able to put in more entries, so I must focus more on the lighter side of things. However, there is something that cannot be ignored; Kitar and I have decided to separate. We must warn all the races in time! I don't know what will happen if we don't.

February 24, 2008

It's been lonely without Kitar. I have found more time to meditate, and the interruptions by the demon are becoming rarer. I've been trying to learn to block it completely, and that is going well. I am heading for the dwarven capitol, Mishnag, located in the eastern mountains. Kitar is heading to, not the human capitol, but to another large city. Neeba I think it is called. It is a center of trade so word will spread quickly from there. Kitar is going to the humans because they are afraid of the elven kind, as well they should be. They should also fear tree spirits, or at least Kitar. I do not know much of the stony men of the east, but that they also, like elves and tree spirits, live an extremely long time, not immortal though.



February 25, 2008

I've been praying and hoping for a companion to help me through this time. It is difficult to write this, but I must realize my fear. I am possesed by a demon, there is now an evil side to me, one that I must learn to control, for fear of destroying lives, and shedding blood that should not be spilt. I must ask myself ; "Is it better that I die?" Wait, no, I mustn't think like that, I must learn to control this evil that invades my body, and focus on the task at hand : warning the dwarves.

February 26, 2008

I have been riding all day. It is still extremely lonely. I fear I may go insane if I do not find a companion.

February 27, 2008

I believe I am near the area were the dwarves are; I have been meditating more and the demon's appearances are gone, that is, I can control if they appear. I still am in desparate need of a companion.

March 5, 2008

Sorry for not writing for so long, all I've been doing is riding. The dwarves were not as close as I thought. I am in the capitol right now with a young dwarf staring at me rather oddly.
The dwarves at the gate, which is really no more than what looks to be a cave entrance, were not very eager to let me in. We'll just say I told him I had to see the Dwarf King, Strophe, to inform him in an extremely urgent matter, they wouldn't let me in and I had to threaten them to have so many arrows sprouting from their backs that they could be mistaken for porcupines. They ended up letting me in. Not very good security, I'll have to tell the King about that. Anyway, I'll probably see the King sometime tommorow, at least that's what the guards said.

March 8, 2008

Those guards were liars.
Turns out I won't be seeing the King soon after all. The dwarves assumed I was some kind of threat and now I am in a room with about 15 guards posted outside with a very large padlock on the door. I could and would escape, but I don't want to have to kill all the guards. I think I'll just stun them and demand to see the King to the guards outside his chamber; it probably isn't a very good idea, but it's the only thing I can think of.

March 9, 2008

Well my plan worked... sort of.
I got in to see the King, I walked up to him and said, quickly as I could; "Your Highness, I am here to inform you of an extremely important matter. The vampire Clan of Guren, and possibly more vampires are planning to..... well, I'm not actually sure, but they tried to have me release a Demon. Also, a vampire I was fighting after I was attacked said that we would all die soon, I'm not sure what this means but I know it can't be good."
He stared at me angrily and exclaimed, "Who do you think you are!? Coming and stunning my guards and then telling me of some, some, vampire conspiracy!? Why should I believe you when you have proven yourself a threat to my people?"
"Are we not all threats, your Highess?" I said quietly.
"Well, um. Guards have him thrown out!!!" So I slowly walked out of the room, as the guards were unconscious; I didn't want the King more flustered then he already was.
As I left, I saw a dwarf, probably a bit older than myself. He walked up to me and said quietly, "I believe you, and if you'll allow it I'd like to come with you, wherever you're going. There is nothing for me here."
At last a companion!!! I will no longer have to talk to my horse in hopes of real company!!! His name is Moddehn.

March 10, 2008

Moddehn and myself are riding to the rendezvous point that Kitar and I agreed on. That being the northern base of a certain mountain, it should take about three days to reach it.

March 12, 2008

Moddehn's rather funny.
I was whittling some shafts to make arrows when Moddehn asked me something; "Tell me, why does it seem that dwarves are the only creatures that seem to live underground?"
My reply was; "Most other creatures enjoy the sight of green wildlife, when that is not the case, it is merely because they need vitamin D, which is created when the sun's rays come in conta-"
"Never mind," interrupted Moddehn in his rough voice, "these things confuse me to much."

March 14, 2008

We're at the rendezvous point, Kitar isn't here. I expected it; where he was going is farther away than the Dwarf capitol, Mishnag. I will probably write when he returns, most likely three to five days.

March 18, 2008

Kitar arrived.
I was talking with Moddehn about bows when I spotted a faint blot in the distance. It looked like a horse whose rider was humped over and leaning to the right.
No matter what, I wasn't taking any chances. I strung my bow and kept it pointed at the rider's heart. That is, until, I realized it was Kitar.
Once Kitar was within fifty yards, he suddenly grimaced in pain, and fell off his horse.
I ran to him. "What's wrong?" I asked him.
"Arrow, just above my heart," Kitar barely managed to choke out. He passed out.
"What happened?" asked Moddehn.
"This is Kitar, we have to get him to a healer, fast. I can repair some of the damage with magic, but only enough to keep him alive for a week, if we're lucky."
"So, I expect you to know were these healers live, correct?" asked Moddehn.
"Not exactly, I know they love the sea, and that they often reside in certain areas of the forest, we have the best chance of finding them near the coast."
"So, to the Dreggen Sea," declared Moddehn.
I then repaired what I could by magic, we put Kitar on his horse and we decided to take turns leading Kitar's horse. So now our search for the healers begins.

March 19, 2008

Our search for the healers is going okay.... I think. I'm just thankful Kitar is alive for one more day, at least.
Yes, it's true, I absolutely rock.




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This is interesting. I like the diary format, it moves rather quickly though. Something odd to me is that I don't think the person writing the diary would use quotations and other devices that a regular writer would. It's more of a personal account and it just seemed odd based on the format.

February 4, 2008

I see a faint blot on the horizon, Kitar thinks it's the location of the clan. I've stopped wearing the Amulet, and so the [s]present[/s]presence has grown fainter, not gone, but fainter. There must be some connection between the two.


I'll have to read your other post, I am guessing it is based on these journal like entries. Should be interesting. I'd say you have a pretty good foundation of a story.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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[s]strikethrough = take out[/s] Underline = Put in/Replace

I thought it was charming.

I like the journal format of it.

The only thing i would liek to see more of is:

1. Detail

2. Slower movement

It moves a bit fast for me to understand completely. Take your time and explain the whole day, not just the things that have to do with the quest (mission, or whatever it is).

March 5, 2008

Sorry for not writing for so long, all I've been doing is riding. The dwarves were not as close as I thought. I am in the capitol right now with a young dwarf staring at me rather oddly.
The dwarves at the gate, which is really no more than what looks to be a cave entrance[s],[/s](Try putting in a period instead). they did not seemvery eager to let me in. We'll just say I told him I had to inform the Dwarf King, Strophe[s],[/s] of the extremely urgent matter[s],[/s] . [s]They[/s] The Guards wouldn't let me in and I had to threaten them [s]to have so many arrows sprouting from their backs that they could be mistaken for [/s]that I would put so many arrows into thier backs that they would be mistaken for porcupines.

They ended up letting me in. Not very good security[s],[/s] . I'll have to tell the King about that. Anyway, I'll probably see the King sometime [s]tommorow[/s]tomorrow[s],[/s] . At least that's what the guards said.





I only did one paragraph, but that was definetly the worse paragraph in there. ;)

You should watch the commas more, less commas, more periods.

Overall: I had fun! i thought it was good, a little revising and it would be great. Put some more 'meat' into it. More detail, make it more interesting.
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed




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I only read part of this, and it's the same problem as before. It still moves to fast, and there is still not anything to make the reader care, in my opinion.

What I am about to write is extremely disturbing.


This might catch a reader's interest, but it is soon lost again. What happens after this doesn't seem disturbing, because you do nothing to make it disturbing. I said in a critique I just gave that it's like walking through a haze, unable to see, and then the writer shoves you something and says, "Hey, this is what this is supposed to be" even when it looks or feels nothing of the sort. Things like this, you don't have to describe the inane things, but describe the detailed things. Show us, don't tell us. Let us see this demon and these vampires and make us shake in our boots.

Also, on your run-on sentences. I said last crit that I liked the sense of person they give off, but here I shall give a warning: don't overuse them. I think grammar should have a slogan: "Use, don't Abuse!" That's sort of how it is with these run-ons.

Once again, same comments as last time.
Blah blah blah blah?




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Here's my advice to you:

S-l-o-w d-o-w-n. ;)

While it's important to hook the reader from sentence one, it's also important to develop your ideas. This reminds me of some of my early drafts; I have a tendency to want to rush as well. Imagine every detail of every scene. Know the face of every dwarf present, know the nuances of every character's expression. You should imagine the scenes as if you are there, complete with smell, taste, touch, and sound as well as sight. If you can't imagine it, how can readers? Of course you won't list everything you see; pick the detail that describes the scene best.

That said, I like the format (I've always been a fan of stories in diary form) and you include some good details and characters. Interesting premise. Keep up the good work.

Cheers!
~Shafter

P.S. Oh, and by the way, don't overuse exclamation points. If you use more than one in a paragraph, take out one. Let your words, not the punctuation, carry the impact.
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I won't beat a dead horse with the things people have already said but the points previously brought up are exactly what you need to do. Your sentences are short so they appear to flow too fast. Details here and there would add so much. When you tell your diary a story think of it like your telling your friend. You tell someone you were attacked by a group of wolves you don't say that you kicked some ass and the story ends, you let them know how big the wolves were, how they looked (Rabid, hungry, etc.) how the fight went. Not crazy details, if you've read Robert Jordan he is a good example of more details then a story needs. I love his work but I could skip pages and not miss anything important as he tells you about everything in a room, how they related to the characters childhood and brought them to their current position and this character will be mentioned maybe two more times in the next thousand pages. Don't do that. The idea is great though to go for a format from the perspective of a journal, Palahniuk is that kind of writer to look for different ways to tell a story and thats awesome.

I suggest before you put anything on a page you sit and think about it, write it out in your head. Visualize the scene in every detail. Just work out things you want to touch on and how you would go about getting to that destination.

Keep it up. Hope I was helpful.



The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
— Samuel Butler