Brokenhearted

There might be a few grammar mistakes but I tried to edit it.


You make me sad.
You make me mad.
You make me cry.
You make me want to die.
I sit here all brokenhearted.
You make me fell so darn retarded.
In this day, I wish was I departed.
But then, I remember that I'm better than you.
And, your little friends too.

You make me sad.

You make me cry.

You make me want to die.

I sit here all brokenhearted.

In this day, I wish was departed.

But then, I remember that I'm better than you.

And, your little friends too.

This is nice- although I don't think it has the emotional depth to talk to me or move me much. It remains, in this state, a cute fragment of something that could be much bigger. My main area of concern is probably the rhyme and rhythm scheme. The first line serves no purpose to the scheme, as you use rhyming couplets for the rest. Am I right in thinking you spent most of your focus when writing this making it rhyme? It doesn't strike me as effortless, which is, normally the purpose. Such poets as Frost are champions at making it look easy. I usually read and try to learn from them. One way of making a poem flow well so that the reader's attention isn't solely on the rhyme is to use an ABAB format.

Your imagery needs developed- 'sad' is completely empty. Think of yourself when you're 'sad'. How do you actually feel inside? Do you have arguments with your parents and friends or become unpleasant to live with? Do you lose your faith in the world? You need to push it further. Show us. Don't tell.

My overall impression is that this is the beginnings of something which could be much bigger. I hoped this helped.

Eimear

thething912 wrote:There might be a few grammar mistakes but I tried to edit it.


You make me sad.
You make me mad.
You make me cry.
You make me want to die.
I sit here all brokenhearted.
In this day, I wish was departed.
But then, I remember that I'm better than you.
And, your little friends too.

I agree that this sounds like the main focus was on rhyme scheme. Anyways, you use a lot of empty words, if the rhyme sceme is that important, try using a thesaurus to find rhyming words that are stronger than just sad and mad. When I think of the word mad, all that comes to mind is "Grr, I'm angry!" That isn't exactly moving.

For grammar problems I can only find that in the last line you don't need the comma after and. Also, instead of "I sit here all brokenhearted." try, "I sit here brokenhearted," the "all" is unneccasary. Or just try to phrase it better. That's all. Bye Bye!!!

Hello!

You make me sad.

You make me mad.

You make me cry.

You make me want to die.

The last line breaks the flow; as you can see, it's much longer than the other lines, and thus, the rhyming kind of dies, too. The words you use (sad, mad etc.) are, like Eimear said, completely empty. They don't tell us anything. Sure, we can imagine a sad-faced emoticon or something. But is it enough when talking about a poem? I don't think so.

I sit here all brokenhearted.

In this day, I wish was departed.

But then, I remember that I'm better than you.

And, your little friends too.

The second line is confusing. Do you mean "Today I wish I had departed"? I understand the "I'm better than you" emotion, especially when one's heart is broken, but in this, it felt just naïve. "I'm better than you." "No you're not!" "Oh yes I am!" This was a nice try on making us feel, but by expanding it, we could feel more. The third and the fourth line don't really make sense together. I remember your little friends? Your little friends remember they're better than you? I remember I'm better than your little friends? Also, this poem is entirely about "you". Why end it with "your little friends"? That doesn't complete the poem.

I'm afraid you need to edit this more than just that one time. I'm sorry if my review sounded too harsh; I'm only trying to help you improve. I'll see you around?

Best wishes,
Demeter xx