Murder (pt. 1)

“So what’re you here for?”

Nicole turned her head. The woman who now sat on the other side of the table with her was a small Latina woman, with dark curly hair and softly rounded features. The sounds of the other inmates around the yard filled the silence while the woman waited for an answer.

“Murder.”

She nodded in understanding. “Me too.” She paused for a moment, then laughed. “You look surprised.”

Nicole had been hoping to get her to go away by getting straight to the point without adding any details. She hadn’t expected this woman to offer up a bit of her own story. Sara had expected everybody to be closed off and leave her alone, which suited her just fine.

“A bit. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be so…open… here.”

“Chica, when you’re in for life, that’s all you got. Trade stories, figure out who you’re gonna be livin’ with for the rest of your days. Name’s Maria Santos.”

“Nicole DiAngelo.” Nicole responded, taking Maria’s offered hand for a handshake. “So why’d you do it?”

“My brother’s girlfriend kidnapped my daughter. Turned out his girl was messed up in the head and none of us knew it. She took a liking to my daughter, Anna. Decided to kidnap her. I come home to find my little girl gone, her babysitter tied up in the bathroom. Poor girl was terrified I was gonna do something to her, but I just told her to go home. She didn’t do anything wrong. I found out later she tried to fight for my baby, but Sharon had been on somethin’.”

“Sharon?”

“My brother’s girlfriend. Found her up at her sister’s place, with Anna. Tried to cut Anna’s hair, to make her less recognizable, ya know, and when I tried to take Anna back, she fought me and I took her out. Then her sister came home and I killed her too. I was so mad, I didn’t even know I did it until after. Strangled her.

“I took Anna home after that. Next day, the cops showed up and here I am. Been here six years now.”

“That’s…quite a story.”

“Yeah. I don’t bother bein’ secretive about it, ‘cause I don’t see the point. I killed some people, and I know it. The way I figure, I thought it was better to admit to it, anyway. I didn’t bother to hide it, ‘cause I knew the cops would find me.”

Nicole nodded.

“What about you?”

“I killed my boyfriend and his other girl.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was going to write this in response to a writing prompt, but I got kind of off track, and this was the result. what do you think?

It sounds like a good and interesting start to a story, are you going to go on with it? I like the dialogue. It's quick and not bogged down by descriptions, which I think helps it all the more. I can imagine this pretty clearly.

Maria sounds like an interesting character, but your MC could use a little work. You haven't really characterized her much and we know next to nothing about her except that she's in prison for killing her boyfriend.

No errors as far as I could see. Good job and keep writing, I might just follow through with it if you continue it.

~ Audrey

Hello, and welcome to YWS!

The woman who now sat on the other side of the table with her was a small Latina woman, [no comma] with dark curly hair and softly rounded features.

With is not one of the FANBOYS [For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So]; therefore, it doesn't need a comma.

Sara had expected everybody to be closed off and leave her alone, [no comma] which suited her just fine.

I'm suspecting some tense issues in this sentence. The underlined part is what threw me off. I think the question that would help you is: What do you mean by closed off? Do you mean they'll leave her alone of their own free will, or forced to leave Nicole to her own self?

“Chica, when you’re in for life, that’s all you got. Trade stories, figure out who you’re gonna be livin’ with for the rest of your days. [dash instead] Name’s Maria Santos.”

It was either the dash there or replacing that comma with a semicolon. Commas don't separate sentences which was what I thought you were doing at first. Then I thought maybe you were listing what prisoners could do, but then the list only had two items. If it were two sentences put together, commas don't do that. Semis do, but not commas. If you meant the list, and she interrupted the list by saying her name, use a dash. The dash indicates an interruption or change of thought.

1.) “Chica, when you’re in for life, that’s all you got. Trade stories; figure out who you’re gonna be livin’ with for the rest of your days. Name’s Maria Santos.”

2.) “Chica, when you’re in for life, that’s all you got. Trade stories, figure out who you’re gonna be livin’ with for the rest of your days -- name’s Maria Santos.”

“Nicole DiAngelo. [comma instead]” Nicole responded, taking Maria’s offered hand for a handshake. “So why’d you do it?”

I don't know if that was a typo or not, but it should be a comma and not a period. I'll direct you to Snoink's article entitled Dialogue Grammar located in the Knowledge Base just in case it wasn't a typo but a misunderstanding.

Turned out his girl was messed up in the head, and none of us knew it.

And is one of the FANBOYS! However, in order to have a comma, it must have an independent clause [complete sentence] on either side of it. Since it does in this case, there should be a comma in front of the and.

Found her up at her sister’s place, [no comma] with Anna.

Tried to cut Anna’s hair, to make her less recognizable, ya know, [Question mark instead] and when I tried to take Anna back, she fought me, and I took her out.

I suggest a question mark 'cause that's basically what ya know is -- a question. You read it and it still sounds as you want it to, but it's grammatically a question. Otherwise it was a nasty run-on.

Then her sister came home, and I killed her too.

“I took Anna home after that. Next day, the cops showed up, and here I am.

I don’t bother bein’ secretive about it, [no comma] ‘cause I don’t see the point.

Because or 'cause is not a FANBOYS. It's a subordinate conjunction. It doesn't get commas when it's placed in the position you have it. If the because phrase was in the front part of the sentence, the entire phrase gets a comma after it. Not in this instance, though.

1.) I don’t bother bein’ secretive about it ‘cause I don’t see the point.

2.) 'Cause I don't see the point, I dont' bother bein' secretive about it.

The first one is more realistic obviously, but these are your choices when it comes to because.

I didn’t bother to hide it, [no comma] ‘cause I knew the cops would find me.”

Congratulations, you got a line-by-line out of me! That either means your entry was short enough for me to take the time, or your entry didn't have a lot of grammar issues. I think it was both in this case.

Characters

Your two characters sound a little bland right now. They both seem to be the same -- female criminals who committed murder, and the murders had something to do with their boyfriend's girlfriend. xD Hopefully you'll characterize a bit more if you continue this (which I hope you do). ^_^

Description/Explanation

Your Dialogue was amazing by the way!

Description was lacking. I don't really know where they are, how they act, their nervous habits (or maybe they're not nervous but still), etc. Maria is Latina, but that's all I got of her appearance. I don't even know what Nicole looks like. Describe the uncomfortable jail clothes they have to wear or something. Maybe you'll do that later, but describe some things. Flesh it out a little, put some meat on your bones.

Explanations are on their way, so no complaint. You're describing why they're there and stuff. Your dialogue does an amazing job in this area. Kudos!

Overall

There doesn't seem to be much plot. Just that they're there for a reason. I assume you'll be continuing this? I kind of want to read some more of this. I don't read a lot of stuff about jailers. This is going very well. A wonderful start! If you have any questions/comments/complaints/requests/etc., PM me! I'd be more than happy to help!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!