The writings of Sonlen Evandar Xiulta

Well, here is the first bit of what I have so far. For the full story background visit my site at www.freewebs.com/sonlensmeditationgrounds/ I can't figure out how to make the link, so just copy and paste that into your browser.

December 23, 2007

I made a friend last week, Kitar, a Forest Spirit. I managed to free him from his tree in return for him saving my life. Right now we are trying to not be caught by a vicious pack of Cursed Wolves, lovely way to spend Christmas. I'm waiting for the deer we caught to finish cooking right now. Got to go, Kitar wants me to help him set up a makeshift tent, as if he even needs my help; we're making it out of leaves!!! he should really know how to do this.
December 24, 2007

Well the wolves found us today, vicious, bloodthirsty things they are, there were 11 of them, much smaller pack then we expected. I saw Kitar wield his blade with more skill and grace than I thought possible, I must remember to ask him to give me lessons in swordsmanship. Well, Kitar killed six and I five. We purified the meat and plan on eating it tommorow. Lovely Christmas dinner.


December 25, 2007 ; Christmas

The wolf was if nothing else, edible, really rather sour. Not to blame Kitar's cooking of course, Never had Cursed Wolf before. The taste didn't seem to surprise Kitar, but it may have just been that he was glad to have something to eat. A wonderful Christmas dinner.
December 26, 2007

Sorry for being so pessimistic lately, it really was the worst Christmas I could imagine. Well Kitar and I are heading for the town Kitshen to stock up on provisions. I doubt there will be anything interesting to report for a while.
December 29, 2007

We reached Kitshen today. I, as always had to wear a hood to cover my ears, Kitar was able to wear his normal clothes because Forest Spirits do look an awful lot like humans and they, humans I mean, wouldn't expect to see a Forest Spirit in a town. I really should meditate more often. I shall tommorow.
December 30, 2007

I did meditate today, though I wish I hadn't, what I sensed greatly troubles me. I can't tell exactly what it is, but here is what I could tell ; blood shed, spirits broken, lives lost, great cities destroyed, it isn't good. I haven't decided whether to tell Kitar or not.
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January 1, 2008

Kitar, umm.... well, I think it'd be better if I wrote this entry like a story, well here goes;

Me and Kitar were just waking up. "So, where do you think we should go? I mean, with those creatures dead, (the Cursed Wolves,) we have no point to go anywhere specific." said Kitar.
Then suddenly, I remembered my meditation and what I sensed while in it. I began to attempt to lie to Kitar and not tell him about it, I am most ashamed of myself for it now. But then, I knew I had to tell him what I saw. I began to tell him about my vision, my voice shaking, once I finished, Kitar looked at the ground and said; "And what do you think we should do about this?" I told him I thought we should go to the human capitol, Baderen. Without questioning me, he slowly gathered his things as did I, and we both mounted our horses and began to ride towards Baderen.
January 4, 2008

Sorry for not writing for so long, i've been so worried about what Baderen would be like and what would, or has happened, when we get there. I can see it as a faint blot on the horizon right now, we should reach it in about three days. I really should start making dinner, we found some fruit in a plain near the forest, I should start preparing it, Kitar's getting restless.
January 8, 2008

We didn't reach Baderen as expected, we were attacked by vampires, that's right vampires! I mean, aren't vampires supposed to have a peace treaty with the elves or not?
One of them said something to me : "Why do you fight?" he said, "for you must know your pitiful existence as well as all others, must come to an end soon, there is no point."
"What do you mean?" I asked him. He merely laughed and vanished in a puff of black smoke, as well did the rest. Kitar asked me what I did to make them go away. I told him, "I didn't do anything. One of the vampires....." "Yes?" he asked me, "Never mind" I said, "nothing." Whatever the vampire meant still troubles me, and what's worse is we were driven days away from Baderen. I will write again when there is something to write about.
January 11, 2008

Well, we are back where we were when we were attacked. I found a strange object, it looks like some kind of amulet, it has strange markings on it that I recognize to be of the Vampire Clan of Guren, which means Bloodlust. Their history is as dark as night and black as it too. I haven't told Kitar of this nor of what the strange vampire said to me.
January 14, 2008

We've reached Baderen. It seems normal, but I have a feeling something terrible is about to happen. I, once again, have to wear a hood to cover my ears, the Bartender at the "Boar's Tooth" inn asked me if I was afraid the sun was going to burn my hair off, terrible joke. I glared at him angrily and he quickly went quiet. So submissive, humans. I still don't know whether I should tell Kitar about what the vampire said or about the Bloodlust Amulet.
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January 20, 2008

The dark feeling is growing stronger, I absolutely know something is going to happen and it will happen soon! I still haven't told Kitar about the Amulet or the vampire's words.
January 24, 2008

It has happened. I sit here and cry. I am still to upset over the ordeal I cannot bear to write it now. I am sorry.
January 27, 2008

I will now tell you of this terrible thing that has happened :

I was sitting in my room meditating when I heard a crash. I ran down, quick as I could, unsheathed my sword and threw back my hood. What I saw was terrible; dead bodies everywhere,
"What happened?" I said to no one but the corpses that littered the ground. I regained my senses and ran out of the destroyed inn and leapt on top of the sign that used to read "The Boar's Tooth." What I saw was Kitar struggling against an onslaught of vampires, with nothing but his oaken sword, I know it's enchanted to be strong as steel but he knows the only way to kill vampires is with silver through the heart.
I used a simple spell to change my steel sword to silver as I did with Kitar's, we killed about six when they realized what I had done to our swords and they all vanished. But it was much to late; dead bodies scattered across the ground and the entire city was completely destroyed. I told Kitar of the Bloodlust Amulet, and of what the vampire said days before.
He once again looked at the ground and said, "Where do you propose we should go?"
"To the Clan of Guren" I replied.



January 29, 2008

Reaching the Clan of Guren is proving difficult, all we know is that it lies in the Badlands, to the south.



January 31, 2008

So bored! Still days away from the Clan, if they're the direction we're going.

That's really long. You might want to break it up into to parts if you want people to read it all. I just skimmed the first part of it. It's interesting to say the least, but most of what I read was really confusing. One problem is that it's written in the form of a journal, but the writer leaves things out of it anyway. The purpose of a journal is to write down what happens so you can look back on it later. It doesn't help the characters develop to just have very short paragraphs that don't completely describe the conflicts. Also, the reader knows almost nothing about what's going on. Just because the character knows something, not everyone else does. There were quite a few mistakes also. You especially need to fix the run-on sentences in the beginning. Just take some time and proof-read it to make sure there aren't many mistakes. Spell Check doesn't find everything.

You have to visit the site to get the full thing, and a lot of things are explained later. You might want to specify what I need to fix before you criticize. Don't just say it's confusing, tell me how. Also, if you just skimmed it, you aren't going to understand the full thing anyway. I will edit and break it into parts though.

Your writing is very interesting but it suffers from the same illness as my works...Run-on sentences hehehe - little blighters

But stick with it; please. you have the seeds of something very readable
kudos

Hi, Sonlen! I read all of this, and I have quite a few things to say.

This needs some work. It's very sketchy, and it's all exposition. There's little to no action - it's just a summarization of the day. Even though it's all exposition, there's still not enough information. It's like, who is this guy? What's a tree spirit? Usually, by showing, rather than telling, you can show these little aspects of your world off.

You have to visit the site to get the full thing, and a lot of things are explained later. You might want to specify what I need to fix before you criticize. Don't just say it's confusing, tell me how. Also, if you just skimmed it, you aren't going to understand the full thing anyway. I will edit and break it into parts though.

I shouldn't have to visit the whole site to get the full thing. That would be ridiculous. You need to introduce your readers to your characters and your world in a way that means they won't be lost or bored. Also (do excuse me for nagging or pointing out something that isn't my business) Mathlete did point out what he thought was confusing.

If someone is just skimming the story and then reviewing, then you need to do a little work. It has potential, but there needs to be more detail. I think you need to show more than tell, and maybe format the journal entries so that they are more like a story. They're so vague and explanatory now.

We can't connect to your characters, either. I can only kind of connect to your MC, but see above. The journal entries are too vague. Kitar, now...we know nothing about him.

My big suggestion of the day: read some books that are written in the journal entry format. I think that you should take a look at the Princess Diaries, there's a book on the yellow fever, but I don't remember what it's called. Now, they aren't the kinds of books you're trying to write, but both are well written, and both showcase their content well. They show, rather than tell. And if they do tell, it's rather entertaining.

What I thought worked well was the way these entries were written. Even if the sentence structure wasn't necessarily grammatically correct, it worked well, because they are journal entries after all. It gives your character a much needed voice.

So, good luck!

Just so everyone knows, this has never been edited. The reason there is one edit shown is because I removed a lot of it. Explained in second or third post.
EDIT: Also, I'm sorry about my earlier post, I was in a bad mood when I wrote it.

So far, I think this is an interesting story. I like the glimpses that we've seen of your world, with Forest Spirits and Cursed Wolves.

I do think that you need to get into deeper detail, though. Even though it's in journal format, which means that you can get get away with skipping times, you still need to connect to the character and events.

I second the suggestion of reading other journal format books that are out there. There are the Dear America books by different authors that are really good. The series is geared toward girls, but there's also a spin off series about male journals. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Name_is_America Wikipedia doesn't give you too much information, but I know that a few of them are really good books. But, studying journal format books will give you a good idea of what to include, how to include it, and what not to include.

I think that it would make more sense for the start of this story if the author of the journal has just begun a new journal, or just starting journaling. That way you give more information as to who the author is. At the start of this one, all we know is that she met a Forest Spirit and that they are running from wolves.

You're going to have to be careful about info dumps when your starting it as a new journal, but there still should be time to give some explanation as to who this person is. I mean, it is possible to just get into writing without explaining yourself in a journal, but generally there's a start of an explanation for why the person is starting the journal. And a good point to mention that the MC's an elf, or whatever he or she is.

I made a friend last week, Kitar, a Forest Spirit

After this sentence would be a good time to explain what Forest Spirits are. Not an info dump, but the MC could mention something like: It's amazing how everything I've heard about Forest Spirits are correct, their clothes are made out of leaves and they are very protected of the forest. It does seem like Forest Spirits are also as varied as elves or humans; Kitar has agreed to travel with me. They say that normally Forest Spirits refuse to leave the forest, but there's just something different about Kitar...

Of course, I know nothing at all about Forest Spirits, besides the Kodama of Princess Mononoke, so all of that info in the 'entry' was false. But, that's also a hint: we know nothing at all about these people.

Sometimes it makes sense to jump straight to the action, it draws the readers in, but it's also important to let across who these characters are while you're in the middle of the action.

I managed to free him from his tree in return for him saving my life. Right now we are trying to not be caught by a vicious pack of Cursed Wolves, lovely way to spend Christmas.

In the first sentence, the underlined part, that needs clarifying. How was he able to save the MC's life if he was trapped in the tree? How was the MC able to free him? Details, explanations, clarification!

We also need details for the italicized sentence. Why are they being chased by a pack of Cursed Wolves? Does that have to do anything with Kitar and the tree? How did they get away from the wolves in order for the MC to be free to write this?

Finally, all of the mentions of Christmas. When is this story set? Because you have all of the old, medieval forests that Role Players loved, but now you're talking about Christmas. Are elves Christian? The whole thing about Christmas is just really random, especially as it appears at the start of the novel, and then has just a short entry on the actual day. Doesn't give us much information.

I'm waiting for the deer we caught to finish cooking right now. Got to go, Kitar wants me to help him set up a makeshift tent, as if he even needs my help; we're making it out of leaves!!! he should really know how to do this.

The italicized sentence, if they are being tracked by Cursed Wolves, or by anything, would they really make a fire and cook meat? It's said that for normal wolves that fire scares them off, but I wouldn't know about Cursed Wolves. We really have no idea what Cursed Wolves are. Then, cooking meat while tracked by carnivores really doesn't make sense. It would lead the wolves straight toward them, even if they weren't tracking the two.

Also, why would Kitar know how to make a human tent out of leaves, which are very hard to work with, if he's been trapped within a tree? Of course, this might make more sense if we've been told that Forest Spirits are great woodsmen... But, for now, all we know that he was in a tree.

[s]Well[/s] The wolves found us today, vicious, bloodthirsty things they are, there were [s]11[/s] eleven of them. It was a much smaller pack then we expected.

I think it just works better without the well, as you didn't give us any indication that they expected to be found by the wolves. I think the underlined part needs its own sentence. The whole thing was a run-on, so I found a place that needed its own sentence. Though, I'm wondering how they didn't know the number of wolves that existed if they knew that they were being tracked... How did they learn that the wolves were after them?

The wolf was, if nothing else, edible. It really rather sour.

You needed the comma there, but then the last comma in the sentence made the sentence look really weird. So, I reformed it into a new sentence.

Sorry for being so pessimistic lately,

Who is the MC talking to? The general 'all knowing' force of journaling? Journals generally work better if you're only writing for yourself, which may or may not mean that one apologizes.

I, as always, had to wear a hood to cover my ears. Kitar was able to wear his normal clothes, because Forest Spirits do look an awful lot like humans and they[s], humans I mean,[/s] wouldn't expect to see a Forest Spirit in a town. I really should meditate more often.

Commas added, and sentences formed. The one strike-through was because we know that you're talking about the humans in the town. Although, this is the first time that we get a hint that this person isn't even human. We don't even know if its a male or female, or what it is... And the underlined part is just completely random and needs more details...

I haven't decided whether to tell Kitar or not.

Why would he or she even tell Kitar? He or she's only known him for a couple of days.

Kitar, umm.... well, I think it'd be better if I wrote this entry like a story, well here goes;

Unless you expand this entry, and really do make it like a story format, there's really no point in this. At the moment it's just like every other journal entry.

Even in journal entries, you need to start a new paragraph with a new speaker. That sort of grammar is what makes a story readable.

What happened in Kitshen? Why is Kitar so upset about the vision? Why is the MC so upset?

And why is the MC writing the Jan 4th entry just to tell us that he or she was worried, that they were almost at the next place, and that he or she had to go make dinner? Pointless, unless you expand it.

The thing with vampires didn't really come across as unexpected, as we had no idea that vampires were even in your story, so how could we know that they weren't supposed to attack? Actually, the lack of details just made it seem like the vampires popped in to have a chat...

Well, we are back where we were when we were attacked

What did they do in the past three days? I mean, did they wander around in a circle? Even if you skip over the 'important' city, at least give a dry explanation of what they did. Even something such as 'we made it to the city, but couldn't find anything helpful.'

Okay, now I see the part about being driven away from the city, but how? Did they travel for three days until the vampires caught up to them, where they transported by the vampires? How did they get three days away from where the vampires attacked them?

On the amulet, why is the MC keeping the amulet when she knows it's connected to the evil vampires? And why does the MC seem responsible for telling Kitar all of this? What is Kitar to the MC?

I, once again, have to wear a hood to cover my ears,

This whole part basically repeats what you've said earlier. We already know that the MC has to wear the hood when around humans. If you need it to lead up to the bartender joke, then just say 'Since I was wearing my hood, the bartender said...'

I still don't know whether I should tell Kitar about what the vampire said or about the Bloodlust Amulet.

Make this a new paragraph to stop it from being random, and expand on it.

It has happened. I sit here and cry. I am still to upset over the ordeal I cannot bear to write it now. I am sorry.

What has happened? The dreaded attack of the purple monster? And why is she writing just to say that he or she can't write of it? It would be much better just to have the next entry take on the explanation for the day, and explain how he or she knew it was going to happen.

leapt on top of the sign that used to read "The Boar's Tooth."

What does the sign say now?

he knows the only way to kill vampires is with silver through the heart.

Does he really? I always thought that silver was for werewolves...

We killed about six, then, when they realized what I had done to our swords,[s] and[/s] they all vanished

Run on sentences are not nice. If you want the 'when' part to be its own sentence, you still need to get rid of the 'and,' but you can also get rid of my 'then.'

But it was much to late; dead bodies scattered across the ground and the entire city was completely destroyed.

How many vampires were there? And why did they all leave instead of rushing the two? Needs some explanation, or some downsizing.

if they are in the direction we're going.

Because we already know that they are trying to find the Clan. Although why they're trying to find the clan that had attacked them before, I don't know.

I think you need to include a bit more foreshadowing to what the plot is, at the moment we have no idea why anyone is doing anything. You also need to expand the journal entries, adding more details and explaining what's going on. You can't shove us into a new world and expect us to get by on meager details.

Do you keep a journal of your own? If you don't, you might want to start one, at least for a week. Journal entries aren't just bare lines about what you did in a day, it's about everything that happened in the day. You went to school, suffered through another day of math, how you hate that teacher. You came home, and played video games with your friends and Todd fell to the floor every time he lost, it was so funny. Homework and dinner aren't even mentioned, they aren't big of a deal. You're getting tired of this blue pen, maybe you need to think about getting a green pen, green is cool. Green FTW!

Journal entries include whatever you want them to include. They are a record of your thoughts and feelings at the time that you sit down and write them. Without the thoughts, some journal entries can be pointless.

Another thing you can do is sit down and try to write the journal entries as your character. Pretend that you are your character, and write down whatever comes to you.

Why is your MC keeping a journal anyway? Is it a field journal, filled with her travels, a journal he or she started because a noticed increase in the unusual, or a day to day record?

Figure out all of the questions within these reviews, and add in more details, and you'll have a great story. As it is, it's interesting, but painful to read. We're only really getting a glimpse at what's going on, and we don't know enough to read between the lines. That's why you haven't been getting the reviews you've hoped for.

Good luck with your writing!