The Séance

I enjoyed reading the story, BBB. Quite a bit. It's good how you took the time to build the suspense, transforming a birthday party into a séance slowly and deliberately. The dialogue all seems mostly realistic, except one line that jumped out at me:

"“I doubt it,” Roger muttered. “There’s no scientific evidence that could support that theory—”

Although, maybe that's part of his characterization as an outsider who wants to be included. If that's the case, maybe you could consider giving him a little more pedantic, geeky dialogue. Maybe have him give a textbook definition of séance .

All in all, very good job.

Okay, everyone's covered the nitpicks so I'll give my opinions.

CHARACTERS
You did a good job fleshing out the characters and everything. But if Lillian is the one to start all the "fun" then you should give her more fleshing out rather than the simple gesture she did. Jen seemed pretty good, but I was confused about the hair showing the chest. Do you mean the blouse was low-cut or what?

PLOT
Very simple, and it's been done before. With the EXACT same title, written by Heather Graham. I found myself thinking of that book as I was reading this. Still a good idea--don't be discouraged.

Well, it took a while, but I'm here now and ready to critique. I only skimmed the other critiques, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

--

There were seven of us at my birthday party.

This is the first thing that really stood out to me. If this character is fifteen, I have trouble believing they would say 'birthday party'. It just doesn't sound right. Maybe change it to just 'party'.

“What does séance mean?”

I think it would make more sense if she said, "What's a seance?"

I nodded; it was beginning to make sense.

In a terrifying, morbid way.

Having these two lines separated feel really weird to me. I'd put them together, maybe separated with a semi-colon.

I knew it was going to get a little awkward.

I don't understand.Why would it get awkward?

The candle flickered.

Why does this shock them so much? I'm assuming by flickered, you mean it moved a bit. Flames do that all the time, would would it surprise them? Or is it just a feeling in the room, and anything startles them?

“Come on, Richard,”

I think you should mention his name earlier, because I was confused when I first read that.



Hmm... well first of all I thought this piece wa quite good, but I don't believe in any of this stuff, so I can't say I'm a huge fan f the plot. I more liked your characters and how they interacted with each other and reacted to the board.

I think you've got something good happening here, and I'll keep critiquing because you asked me too, but normally I probably wouldn't, not because of your writing, just because I don't like this type of stuff.

You've created interesting characters and I wish yo good luck with this series!

choco.

PS- I'll get onto the second part later today.

Jare-bear!!!

Okay, so I've kinda been following this series since you started it, and it's kinda amazing. I don't have much experience in horror and was either too clogged down with requested critiques or too… 'emotionally distressed' (haha) to read this, so I only ever skimmed them – I never read them.

But I just read the fifth part, and you have a cutter in it. And that drove me crazy. 'Cause you've never done it, so you don't really get it. So there were a lot of things were I was just like 'eh… no.' But I had never read the first four thoroughly enough to give a real critique for part five, so I am going through them all to critique.

Right now I'm just pushing through these to get to part five. And remember that I'm really out of practice critique wise, and I'm sick, so it may not be the best. But I was a loser and looked ahead at the critiques you already have, and it looks like I'm gonna have fun doing this. XD

So! I have my review setting on, the font in my favorite style, my milky way hot chocolate by my side, and the radio on. It's show time. XD

Nit-Picks

Séance [Sé-ance] –noun

1. A meeting in which a spiritualist attempts to communicate with the spirits of the dead.

Haha, awesome. xD

It was my fifteenth birthday, and my friend had given me a Ouija board. The board itself was unique: It opened up like a board game and had letters from A through Z strewn across it. The letters were green and large. There were the numbers one through nine below the letters, and each one of the numbers was colored a different color. On the top right corner of the cardboard game was the word “Yes”. Directly opposite from it was the word “No”.

Well, I have the advantage of already knowing what is going to happen, so that's going to really help me write this critique. xD

So, this is going to be a horror, correct? Well, I don't watch many horror movies – too scary! – but all the ones I have watched started before this one.

They start when things are normal, so you can see the difference.

Okay, so back up a bit. Start with the kids hanging out, joking around – show how normal they can be, how at ease with each other they are. Show us who's dating, who is angry at another, who is the oldest. Whatever their relationship is, take this little bit of time to show it to us.

Then have them sit down. Have Sam give the MC the board, let them all lean forward to see it. Let the reader see it at the same time. This will turn the boring telling into showing, see? xD

I thought it was a dumb board game—the kind that Sam had always given me for my birthday. Hadn’t last year’s been Scrabble or something of the sort? I remembered trashing it the next day. I didn’t play board games and wondered why Sam gave me one every year.

Good paragraph, odd wording. Don’t try to sound smart or grammatical, Jare. Maybe try this?

'I thought it was a dumb board game – the kind that Sam always gave me for my birthday. Wasn't last year Scrabble? I don't know, but I threw it out the next day. I don't play board games and have no idea why Sam continues to give me them every year.'

This is first person. Icaruss is the expert on natural voices, not me, but you need to make it a bit more natural. Read the two out loud – which are you more likely to actually say?

And you already told us that last year's was a board game, so the 'or something of the sort' was kind of repetitive. xD

There were seven of us at my birthday party. Lillian sat closest to myself, and Sam was on my other side. Steve was across from me and he was curling Jen’s long, brown hair. Roger was sitting on the right of Steve and the left of Sam. Brianne was sitting in-between Lillian and Jen.

Steal my name why doncha?

Anyways, this is… ergh. You're kinda weird about description, Jare. I don't know if you hate it or think you're bad at it or what, but you always rush through it like this. You think 'oh, if I just spit all the description out in the first few paragraphs I won't have to worry about it again!' But no – that's what makes your writing awful. You're an amazing writer, Jare, and when you do the description right it's wonderful. But you still don't do the description right by habit – you just tell us what we're supposed to see.

So, how do you fix this? Well, I'd love it if you listened to my original suggestion – starting sooner and letting us see them sitting down, rather than just telling us they are seated. But if you want to ignore that suggestion, you can always just ditch this paragraph.

We don't know these names yet. Do you honestly think any reader's gonna remember all that? No. We're not the brightest, and this is a fiction story – we're reading fast. In textbooks we'll slow down enough to learn the names, but if we read yours like a textbook we wouldn't get past the first paragraph. Why do you think kids hate school so much? XD

And! Hair. Please ditch it? Pleeeeease? I do not care what she looks like. The only time I would ever care that it was long and brown would be if it got caught on something and ripped out, so it was short and bloody. (Hey, it could happen – it's a horror story! XD) Just don't give us many descriptions – only ones that progress the plot.

In short: we were circled around the ominous looking board.

Eh, I suppose it works, but I'm not the biggest fan of the 'in short,' and especially not the colon after.

“How do we play?” Steve asked and combed his fingers through Jen’s hair. He looked at Sam, expecting an answer.

Make the bold either 'asked, combing his fingers…' or 'asked, and combed his fingers…' And I get that you're trying to show that they're in a relationship, but… I don't like it yet. Again, I have to go back to you showing us them earlier – this just feels weird. I have no idea who they are, so it feels like you're forcing them to be together, not just letting it happen naturally.

Sam replied[s]:[/s], “Well, I dunno. Read the instructions. They’re in the box, aren’t they?” He looked at me, and I rolled my eyes. I reached into the box the Ouija board came with and pulled out a pamphlet of directions.

“I don’t want to read them,” I muttered and threw them to Roger. He smiled, glad to be included. Roger slid his glasses up his nose and read with a loud voice:

He is included – he's at the party. If they didn't like him he wouldn't be invited to something where he obviously couldn't invite too many people. Don't go with stereotypes, Jare.

“Did you understand what I just read?” he asked the group. I bit my lip and shook my head.

Eh, it's not that hard to figure out. The biting of the lip sounded fake, and him not knowing sounded like he was a little kid. He'd know.

“The Ouija board is used to talk to dead people,” Roger stated plainly with raised eyebrows. “None of you find that a little bit creepy?”

I'd say 'stated plainly. He raised his eyebrows. "None…' The way you have it sounds like they were raised with the first sentence, but why would he raise them then?

I snorted. “So, Sam, I hear you brought me a telephone to talk to people in Hell.” Everyone in the group laughed, including Sam. I rolled my eyes. “Keep reading, Roger.”

Nice, just a slightly odd transititon. Read it out loud – just the dialogue, and act out the actions. Does it sound normal? Not to me. Maybe add a pause in between, and have the MC – we still don't know his name, by the way – say this to break the ice?

“What does séance mean?” Brianne asked, tugging at her shirt. Her expression was hard and cold, like she wasn’t going to participate without a solid explanation of what she was doing.

A little contradictory there. She tugged at her shirt – nervous – but then her expression was hard and cold – determined?

“Uh,” Sam said, “it’s like a thing where you talk to ghosts and stuff.”

I don't like the break in there – it feels unnatural.

“Like this Ouija board?” she asked, her face scrunching up. Her blonde hair was thrown over her shoulders, revealing a surprising amount of chest.

How stupid is she? The question's fine, but her face scrunching up? Come on – make them somewhat bright. Don’t be so stereotypical.

I nodded; it was beginning to make sense.

Dude! They're not that stupid. Come on - give them some credit. This is just... grr.

In a terrifying, morbid way.

Great line, but why are they so freaked out? People either believe that it'll work and like, admire it, or they are skeptical. Once they start getting weird answers they may freak out, but that's it. Here it's like 'and why are they being such scaredy-cats?' xD

“Oh, screw the science, Roger,” Lillian said and placed her arm on my shoulder. I smiled. “Who cares if it’s gonna work or not? Let’s just play the game!”

Why'd she randomly do that? We have no reasoning to believe that she likes him, and it's… random.

“Fourth, start the séance by asking, ‘Are there any spirits with us today who would like to converse?’[s].[/s] If there are available spirits, they will move the marker to the ‘Yes’ on the board.

Roger flipped over the page and then glanced up at me. “It goes on to explain the history of the board, but I don’t want to read it. Can we start? Or does anyone want to leave now?”

That sounds odd. Like, they're already afraid, and it's just a stupid game. It feels weird. I'd make it so they're just relaxed, having fun, and when it goes to 'yes' at the end of the story they can begin to freak out. For now, slowly build the tension as they turn off the lights and such.

Also, him saying 'can we start?' sounds too eager.

“If you do, I’ll go with you,” he whispered. He looked around the group desperately. “Please?”

Dude, it's not even dark yet. Stop making them seem so wimpy. It feels fake.

I walked out of the living room that we were in. My house was dark and quiet. My parents were downstairs doing something, and my friends and I decided to stay upstairs. I headed towards my room and entered it.

Don't repeat 'my'. Also, I see that someone else said you messed up on the layout of the house? Try drawing a rough sketch, that way you won't screw it up.

And make this more interesting. Let us be walking with him – let us hear his quiet steps when he's near the stairs, the sense of foreboding when he goes to his parent's room. (I know it's in his room, but who keeps a candle? And it was the only other example I could come up with, haha.)

It was nearly midnight. My alarm clock’s red digits were bright and bold. I flipped on the lights and grabbed my candle sitting on my desk. The wick was almost burned out, but it would do for another ten minutes.

What kid has a candle in their room, beside zen-sy people?

“Matches,” I whispered. I ran past the living room, where my friends were, and slid on the kitchen floor with my socks. I opened a drawer and grabbed a box of matches.

Sounds like the first floor, but you told us they were on the second. (I don't think there's a single house with a real kitchen on the second floor? Obviously apartment buildings do, but not one-family houses.)
Also, stop saying 'whispered'. You're killing the word, and now it won't be as effective when you get to the 'ooers this is creepy!' section.

When I came back to the living room, I asked, “Picked someone yet?” Lillian smiled and nodded.

You're not showing! *Stabs*

“Yeah. My grandma,” Lillian stated. I bit my lip. I knew it was going to get a little awkward.

Why will it be awkward? (You never tell us, so you can't just say 'wait and see.' You need to explain it sometime, and don't leave us in this much confusion until the next chapter - it sounds like you just screwed up.) And don't say 'Lillian stated.' We know she's talking because of the last paragraph.

“Okay,” I said, holding out the latter part of the word. I quickly sat down next to Lillian. She smiled warmly and placed her hands on mine.

Holding out the what?

Then I whipped out the matches and struck one, igniting it. I lit the candle and blew out the flame on the match.

Whipped it out? Eh... okay... odd much? Haha. Whipping something out is like, acting like 'look at me, aren't I cool?' You're telling us they're scared, not arrogant.

“There was this other time before she died. She lived in this hospital place for old people. Grandma lived next to this really old man who had so many liver spots that it was all you could see. Anyway, Grandma used to visit the old man every day. They used to talk about lots of stuff. I remember her telling me all about her conversations. They were so sweet and tender that I just wanted to give her a hug. She was such a nice lady.

Hospital place for old people should be reworded. Maybe 'some nursery home'?

The candle flickered. Everyone’s eyes froze on the dancing light.

“Did you see that?” Sam whispered.

No one replied.

Why are they so freaked out? They were thinking of good memories, and that could have been caused by movement or breath. Not scary.

The candle flickered again. My mouth hung open. I felt Lillian squeeze my hand. I squeezed back.

The short sentences here are really annoying. Stop rushing!

Steve knew better than to chicken out. He slid his hands across the board and rested them on the marker. Jen followed suit.

Seven hands on one tiny marker? Eh... okay? And show us what it feels like to do this. The heat of the other hands, the foreboding feeling, whatever.

We waited.

I bit my lip harder.

The candle flickered.

Lillian was shaking.

I was too.

That was really weak, Jare. Don't use so many in a row – it kills the effect. It could be awesome, just use the ones that are important, that'll really strike us.

I didn’t even feel the marker slowly glide across the board. I heard my friends gasp as it rested on one word:

The 'gasp' killed it. I'd rather it stay silent or something. It just… eh, it doesn't seem to fit the mood.

Yes.

Nice ending. XD

Overall Comments

Do you get how much fun it is to critique your stuff? XD

Atmosphere

I say this stuff every time, don't I? XD

Anyways, atmosphere! The whole lighting/temperature/indoors-outdoors/occupancy thing. You know, the major things you notice when you first walk into a room. Yeah – you need some.

You're writing a horror. You need to use sensory details to get us scared, 'cause right now I'm just skeptical.

When he enters the halls, let us hear the lone TV going downstairs. That feeling is creepy – a little glow in an otherwise dark house. Let him creep through the halls, listening to some fast-paced advertising guy talking. Let us get the creeps. XD

And you know how it feels when you're in a circle and it's dark, and you feel like there are things all around you? And you just huddle closer, afraid to look over your shoulder? Add some of that.

Make it cold! Let us get goose bumps from the cold – show us the characters huddling together more. When people rely on each other so much, it also shows that something's up. Do you normally hold your friends arm? No. If there's a scary scene in a movie, will you grab it? Probably.

Just… make us feel like we're there more. When it's not dialogue, you tend to slip into a telling mode. You need to show us what's happening, make us feel like we're there.

Characters

They're very 2-D. Like, I don’t know them – none stick out at all. I couldn't even tell you their names.

That ties in with what I was saying about the starting sooner thing. Let us get to know the characters before anything creepy happens – maybe even when there are only a few at the party, then slowly add more. (It'll let us learn names easier.) Get to know their voice, how they act, all that stuff – make them distinct.

Also, they're too stereotypical. Stupid people aren't completely stupid, smart people are nerds. Don't overdo it.

(By the way, I see Alianna was saying that Ouija boards are illegal there and all? Well, you'd know this, but here they're no big deal. Like, kids get them all the time. And everyone knows how to work them. You kinda mixed two worlds – buying it in the US, playing it elsewhere. Keep it consistent! Common or not. XD)

Eh… sorry for the lame critique. I are sick. xD

PM me for anything! I know I make no sense when sick. xD

~JFW1415