In the shadow of a star - chapter one

a very short chapter indeed. only about 600 words. I am not the world's best author and this is all just for fun. So any advice or critique would be very well received.

Chapter one

Darkness, nothing, the world was empty except for a cool sinister slither. That trickled down from her forehead, which pounded angrily. The copper snake poured down the contours of her face, like the waters of a dam released. The serpentine movement of the fluid that made its migration south was all that she could think on. On and on, stopping for sometime, seeping into her pores only to be fevered on by the relentless flow from it’s source until the cool serpent came too the chin. It halted for a moment as if contemplating it’s next move, and then broke away and plummeted to the ground with a sharp hiss as it met fiery twisted metal.

Her mind roused, beginning to join her body in consciousness, and soon the serpent fell into obscurity as the world around her sprang into clarity.
She groped the world around her, and found herself completely encased in a searing shell of debris and sharp fang-like metal. The splintered shrapnel bit into her back like wolves, the intense pain soon followed by numerous other cool serpents; began their own meandering migration. Distracted by the hungry debris that began to savage her flesh, she had forgotten her hands. Resting against the scolding shell that surrounded her, she drew her hands from it and placing them down against the blessedly cold, rain sodden earth beneath her.
Soon, her hearing began to adjust and a great roar of explosions swiftly replaced the hollow, empty silence. The demonic cry of a firestorm was accentuated by snapping flames that devoured the wreckage.
She awaited the return of her sense of sight but did not have the courage to test her vision. She pressed her muddy hands over her eyes to shield herself from what lay in store for her to see. Slowly like a despondent child in the midst of terror she buried her head between her knees and began to sob. Her first friend, the cool serpent hand returned to her face, only sleeker and thinner than the bloody snake from only moments ago. She denied the world of her sight for what seemed in her mind like an eternity, until the distant booms and cracking of the inferno outside became familiar.
The fire’s rhythm was broken with an abrupt creaking from way above her stifling prison. Followed by a mammoth grumbling that lasted not but a moment before the earth beneath her began to quiver feverishly. The wolf toothed, steel shell gave out a deafening scream until all was still…Save for a single billow of breeze that found its way in from the tear in her shell.

Then there was light. Light came into being, shadows and colours danced against her clenched eyelids. Bright, stinging orange light with no shape or form. Only light and branches of crimson veins that lined her eyelids. Hesitantly she ventured into her next sense, by opening her eyes – breaking her defiant blindness.
Her lid’s slid up gradually, her lashes parted and bit-by-bit the world around her came into focus. Directly in front of her was a great gaping hole, in a dome of shrapnel and warped steel. In some places the metal was glowing with heat.
Beyond the her casing was an inferno, nothing save the cliffs ahead could be seen for the fire and smoke.
Suddenly voices broke through, she could not make out their words, only their voices in the distance. She struggled to her feet, intent on calling out to them if she could find her voice. Sharp stabbing pains bore into her from all angles, halting her escape, and great weakness swept over her once more and little by little the world began to slip away from her as she remembered the many cool snakes.

hey Kris! Welcome to YWS!
Anyway here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words/lines/phrases that I've inserted that I think work better. At times they're not perfect so feel free to change them.
Let's do this thing!

kris wrote:a very short chapter indeed. only about 600 words. I am not the world's best author and this is all just for fun. So any advice or critique would be very well received.

Chapter one --

Darkness, nothing, the world was empty except for a cool sinister slither that proceeded down from her forehead following the contours of her face, like the waters of a dam released. This is a bit of a run on sentence. Also, I wasn't really sure if I liked the way you wordered the cool sinister slither thing. The serpentine movement of the fluid that made it’s migration south was all that she could think of. On and on, stopping for sometime, seeping into her pores only to be fevered on by the relentless flow from it’s source until the cool serpent came too the chin. Oh, it's a serpent. I thought her went water or something. I would say that it was a snake/serpent from the very beginning so we don't get confused It halted for a moment as if contemplating it’s next move, and then slowly broke away broke away from what? and plummeted to the ground I took out this comma with a sharp hiss as it met fiery twisted metal.
Her mind roused, beginning to join her body in consciousness, and soon the serpent fell into obscurity as the world around her sprang into clarity.
She groped the world around her, and found herself completely encased [s]with[/s]in a searing shell of debris and sharp fang like metal. The splintered shrapnel bit into her back like wolves, the intense pain soon followed by numerous other cool serpents; began their own meandering migration. Distracted by the hungry debris that began to savage her flesh, she had forgotten her hands. Resting against the scolding shell that surrounded her, she drew her hands from it and placed them down against the blessedly cold, rain sodden earth beneath her.
Soon, her hearing began to adjust and a great roar of explosion swiftly replaced the hollow empty silence, the demonic cry of a firestorms outside were accentuated with the snapping of fire as flames devoured the wreckage. Again, you have a ton of run ons. Slow down, split up your thoughts. Make sure the reader can thoroughly understand them
She awaited her sense of sight to return but dared not [s]test[/s] to test her vision. She pressed her muddy [s]grass stained [/s] Since she can't see and all we can see is what she can see I wouldn't characterize her hands just yet. She doesn't seem to know what they look like hands over her eyes to shield herself from what lay in store for her to see. Slowly like a despondent child in the midst of terror she buried her head between her knees and began to sob. Her first friend, the cool serpent hand returned to her face, only sleeker and thinner than the bloody snake from only moments ago. Here is where i got a little confused, is the snake her own blood or is it an actual snake. your characterizations in the beginning indicate its her own fluid or some type of outside fluid but then I thought it was a real snake. Try to be specific She denied the world of her sight for what seemed in her mind like an eternity, until the distant booms and cracking of the inferno outside became familiar. So she's refusing to see? also, this sentence is a runon. Split up your ideas Suddenly the rhythm of fire was broken with an abrupt creaking from [s]way[/s] above her stifling prison succeeded by a mammoth grumbling that lasted not but a moment before the earth beneath her began to quiver feverishly and her wolf toothed, steel shell gave out a deafening scream until all was still…Save for a single billow of breeze that found it’s way in from the tear in her shell. Again, way tooo long of a sentence! I got a bit lost. Really, try to split up your ideas
Then there was light. Light came into being, shadows and colours danced against her clenched eyelids. Bright, stinging orange light with no shape or form. Only light and the deviant red current of the veins What are these viens? I was confused where they came from came through her deviant eyelids. Hesitantly she ventured into her next sense, by opening her eyes – breaking her defiant blindness.
Her lid’s slid up gradually, her lashes parted and bit-by-bit the world around her came into focus. Directly in front of her was a great gaping hole in a dome of shrapnel and warped steel, in some places, was glowing with heat. Beyond the her casing was an inferno, nothing save the cliffs ahead could be seen for the fire and smoke.
Suddenly voices broke through, she could not make out their words, only their voices in the distance. She struggled to her feet, intent on calling out to them if she could find her voice. Sharp stabbing pains bore into her from all angles, halting her escape, and great weakness swept over her once more and little by little the world began to slip away from her as she remembered the many cool snakes.

You have a great idea going for you in your piece here. It seems very original and I can't wait to see where it's going.
Onto the overall comments

Format: Way too many runon sentences. Although they can help shape your characters stream of thought and confused consciousness this at times seemed to confuse me. I had trouble clearly understanding what was actually happening at times.

Plot: Slow down! Everything happened a little too quickly. This is probably because of your long-winded sentences so break them down. Show us everything. Show us what it's like to be her. How does she know about sound and eyesight? It seems as if it's her first time in this world. Tell us how painful pain really is for her, how weird sensation feels to her fingers, how strange sound is. This world is new to her and to us so try to convey how foreign, dangerous, and strange it seems to someone who doesn't understand sight, feeling, hearing etc.

Other than that, well done! I'm sorry if my review sounded a little harsh , I just want to help you become a better writer ! Anyway, PM me when you've revised this and also PM me if you have any questions

Pretty good writing, but there are a few grammatical errors.

The serpentine movement of the fluid that made it’s migration south was all that she could think on.

its instead of it's

She groped the world around her, and found herself completely encased within a searing shell of debris and sharp fang like metal.

fang like could be changed to fang-like

Soon, her hearing began to adjust and a great roar of explosion swiftly replaced the hollow empty silence, the demonic cry of a firestorms outside were accentuated with the snapping of fire as flames devoured the wreckage.

"roar of an explosion" or "roar of explosions", "the hollow, empty silence", "cry of a firestorm" or "cry of firestorms" The sentence is also a run-on. A period or semicolon could be added after "empty silence".

She awaited her sense of sight to return but dared not test to test her vision.

You could change it to: "She awaited the return of her sense of sight" or something to that effect.

Suddenly the rhythm of fire was broken with an abrupt creaking from way above her stifling prison succeeded by a mammoth grumbling that lasted not but a moment before the earth beneath her began to quiver feverishly and her wolf toothed, steel shell gave out a deafening scream until all was still…Save for a single billow of breeze that found it’s way in from the tear in her shell.

nice sentence, but it should probably be broken up so that it reads more smoothly. Again there's it's, which means it is, instead of the possessive its.

Only light and the deviant red current of the veins came through her deviant eyelids.

One of the "deviant"s should probably be removed.

Directly in front of her was a great gaping hole in a dome of shrapnel and warped steel, in some places, was glowing with heat.

Another run-on that could be broken up.

After some revisions, that chapter would be great. I especially liked your descriptions. They added a lot to it. At times, the conflict is hard to understand, but other than that, I liked it. Good work!

Thank you very much for your critiques I am terrible with stuff like that ><
USELESS! hehehe
Oh btw Scasha. I was trying to make a metaphor for the blood coming from trauma wounds and such. I will try to make this clearer. maybe "copper snakes"? i don't know

Thank you

Darkness, nothing, the world was empty except for a cool sinister slither. That trickled down from her forehead, which pounded angrily.

This should be one sentence. If you wanted it to be two, you should start the second sentence "It trickled..." instead of "That trickled..."

The serpentine movement of the fluid that made its migration south was all that she could think on. On and on, stopping for sometime, seeping into her pores only to be fevered on by the relentless flow from it’s source until the cool serpent came too the chin. It halted for a moment as if contemplating it’s next move, and then broke away and plummeted to the ground with a sharp hiss as it met fiery twisted metal.

First sentence should end with "of" instead of "on".
Second sentence... consider "...stopping sometimes, seeping into her pores...." "stopping for sometime" doesn't make sense, I don't think; it doesn't sound good.
Second and third sentences... "it's" needs to be "its"
Last sentence: "...met fiery, twisted metal." It needs a comma between the two adjectives.
Very nice imagery and detail!

She groped the world around her, and found herself completely encased in a searing shell of debris and sharp fang-like metal.

maybe you should start "she groped for the world". It flows better that way.
Again, you need a comma between the adjectives. "sharp, fang-like"

The splintered shrapnel bit into her back like wolves, the intense pain soon followed by numerous other cool serpents; began their own meandering migration.

"The splintered shrapnel bit into her back like wolves; the intense pain was soon followed by numerous serpents that began their own meandering migration." Consider rewording your original sentence; it's a little awkward.

Resting against the scolding shell that surrounded her, she drew her hands from it and placing them down against the blessedly cold, rain sodden earth beneath her.

"...hands from it and placed them down against the...."

Soon, her hearing began to adjust and a great roar of explosions swiftly replaced the hollow, empty silence. The demonic cry of a firestorm was accentuated by snapping flames that devoured the wreckage.

Add another space between this paragraph and the previous.
Again, nice imagery.

She awaited the return of her sense of sight but did not have the courage to test her vision. She pressed her muddy hands over her eyes to shield herself from what lay in store for her to see. Slowly like a despondent child in the midst of terror she buried her head between her knees and began to sob. Her first friend, the cool serpent hand returned to her face, only sleeker and thinner than the bloody snake from only moments ago. She denied the world of her sight for what seemed in her mind like an eternity, until the distant booms and cracking of the inferno outside became familiar.

Spaces before and after this paragraph, too.
"Slowly, like a despondent child in the midst of terror, she buried her head...."
"her first friend, the cool serpent hand, returned to her face...."
"...eternity; until the distant booms and cracking...."

The fire’s rhythm was broken with an abrupt creaking from way above her stifling prison. Followed by a mammoth grumbling that lasted not but a moment before the earth beneath her began to quiver feverishly. The wolf toothed, steel shell gave out a deafening scream until all was still…Save for a single billow of breeze that found its way in from the tear in her shell.

"The wolf-toothed, steel shell..."
"...all was still... save..." ; "save" doesn't need to be capitalized

Then there was light. Light came into being, shadows and colours danced against her clenched eyelids. Bright, stinging orange light with no shape or form. Only light and branches of crimson veins that lined her eyelids. Hesitantly she ventured into her next sense, by opening her eyes – breaking her defiant blindness.
Her lid’s slid up gradually, her lashes parted and bit-by-bit the world around her came into focus. Directly in front of her was a great gaping hole, in a dome of shrapnel and warped steel. In some places the metal was glowing with heat.
Beyond the her casing was an inferno, nothing save the cliffs ahead could be seen for the fire and smoke.

I think you overused "light". Just a little bit.
Also, add extra spaces between your paragraphs to make sure you are able to see one from another.
Second paragraph: "...lashes parted and, bit by bit, the world around..." Don't use hyphens between words unless they are being used as adjectives (there are always exceptions to that rule, but... for the most part, it's true).

Suddenly voices broke through, she could not make out their words, only their voices in the distance. She struggled to her feet, intent on calling out to them if she could find her voice. Sharp stabbing pains bore into her from all angles, halting her escape, and great weakness swept over her once more and little by little the world began to slip away from her as she remembered the many cool snakes.

"Sharp, stabbing... halting her escape; weakness swept over her once more and, little by little, the world began to...."

*~*

Over all... wow. Bravo. Amazing detail and imagery. I'm excited for the next chapter.

*~*Kiss*~*

Hello,


Resting against the scolding shell- I think you want scalding

Overall, I do want to read on, which is great and the main purpose of a first chapter. It was vague,though, to the point where I didn't really get a sense of character. I don't know what's happening, but i want to find out, this would be amplified if the character did something to make me like or relate to them more. As is, my interest is mild but not overpowering. Your imagery is lovely, but it is literally packed into each sentence. I'd say unpack it. Use only what you need and delete all "ly" descriptors, or as many as you can. Plot first, imagery second. You already know you have a bit of a problem with sentence structure, fragments, and run ons. I'm not the best one to help you with that and t seems like most have already been pointed out. I like your use of the snake/blood comparison. The first two sentences still need some rewording, as are you have fragments. Not many overt errors. Great job, keep writing.

There were some grammatical errors, but no too, too many. Overall, it was a pretty good job. It was kind of nail-biting. I liked it, it was very descriptive, almost too much. Keep up the good work! Maybe it could be a little more longer, it was getting good too...but that's a good thing. Most of the time you want to leave the reader wondering. Bravo!