Malboukia *Part II*

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...He was standing at about two malcies away from the rickyd. I knew better than to shout for fear of being discovered. It was Hashkü! And then, it seemed that the great Talluse gave me my wings back! Only no one could see or feel them except for my heart. These wings, it seemed, beat my heart back to life once more as they rushed through my body like water enjoying its freedom after finding a crack in the dam. Because Malboukian hearts stop glowing their beauty if they do not meet with a certain amount of glee. Sealing every little crack that had accumulated themselves over the days. No, not days, years! And soon this glow reached its place under my skin. It felt wonderful. Drowning all fears and sorrow. But when I looked in Hashkü's eyes, terror had replaced the peace that lay within only a half clasheer ago.

I had reached Hashkü's extended hand, and we half ran half flew to the retreating rickyd. But the Nolsa were on my trail once more, and the Qualucates will never have me escape without a scratch. Unfortunately I know that from experience. And right as Hashkü was carrying me into the Lanapoluceek, one of the Nolsa leapt up and with its sharp up-side-down mountain picks, dug into my right calf. I was prepared enough so that my left foot was at the ready when the Nolsa bit. And then, it was my turn to dig, and I did so with such force that my skisha was no longer on my foot when I was pulled inside the vessel, but rather stuck in the Nolsa's top molar as it was projected through the air by my blow.

We had made it just in time. The vessel doors started swirling in on themselves, separating us from the outside. In a matter of seconds the vessel will take off. Only then did I turn to look at Hashkü. He was still holding me tight against his chest, so I had to pull away to glance at his face. But he had beat me. He was already taking me in with his eyes. And then a smirk arose on his face and his eyes twinkeled mockingly.He took slake and chalk out from under his tunic. (O how I had missed seeing my brother using that slake! It was a dark purple surrounded by pure gold.)
And in swift movements he started shaping words in his curvy hand writing with the white chalk. It read, "Phewf! You smell worse than a Nolsa in heat!!!" I looked up at him horrified! But his shoulders were bobbing up and down, showing signs of unheard laughter. I joined him full-heartedly. This was my first real laugh since the day of my kidnap. It felt so warm inside that I couldn't help but laugh some more.
"Lets find you a hot spring." He wrote. I nodded eagerly.

After washing the mud off my body, I slipped into my heightic robes. They were much to small but they were better than the rough farm fabric. Really, Hashkü thought about everything. When I stepped out of the steam to loin him, he nodded his head as if he approved of my appearance. I laughed and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks HashKü. Shall we go eat?" "Sure. Malicosh?"
I grinned. Malicosh is my favorite Malbouk food. It consists of boiled corn, which is then roasted and mixed with a dough. It is then stuck at the end of a stick and you may or may not eat it with a red sauce. As we were progressing slowly through the crowd, Hashkü pointed up at something. It was a big screen that indicated our route. We could see our vessel in space, and underneath it was a small planet. It was very hard to tell what planet it was because of our height. But lower down was a sign that indicated, "Eathashà". I hadn't realized we had gotten half way through our voyage! I looked around the room where other passengers were eating and talking. Thats wen I saw them. A group all gathered at the glass wall that surrounded the ship, gazing out in space. Hashkü pulled at my sleeve."Wha..." A light blinded me and all the other passengers onboard. It was, it seemed, almost as bright as the sun! But a very different sort of light. This light was green. But I had no more time to marvel. The loud speaker shouted at us to evacuate the vessel immediately! Hashkü's hand slipped away from mine."Hashkü!" I tried to grasp it back desperately but the crowd was pushing us further and further apart. "Hashkü! Hashkü!" But my screams were drowned in the bustle of the vessel. I was stumbling backwards, tripping over things, legs. My foot moved back to take another unsteady step and found nothing but nothing. "HASHKÜÜüüüü........."...



New Malbouk words Glossary

Skisha: sandal

Tolluse: Sort of god, creator.
When the power of love is greater than the love of power, there will be peace.




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Hey again Dustfinger!
Here's my review key once more:
Red = comments
Bold = Words/sentences/phrases that I have inserted that I think could work better.
Here we go!

Dustfinger wrote:...He was standing at about two malcies away from the rickyd. I knew better than to shout out his name[s]for fear of being discovered[/s]. It was Hashkü! And then, it seemed that the great Talluse gave me my wings back! [s]Only[/s] no one could see or feel them except for my heart. These wings, it seemed, beat my heart back to life once more as they rushed through my body like water enjoying its freedom after finding a crack in the dam. [s]Because[/s] Malboukian hearts stop glowing [s]their beauty [/s]if they do not [s]meet[/s] react with a certain amount of glee. Sealing every little crack that had accumulated themselves over the days. No, not days, years! And soon this glow reached its place under my skin. It felt wonderful. Drowning all fears and sorrow. But when I looked in Hashkü's eyes, terror had replaced the peace that lay within only a half clasheer ago. Okay, this part about the heart was very very confusing. I didn't really understand it all that well. Anyway, I recommend that you slow it down and explain it more because I had trouble following exactly what you were talking about

I had reached Hashkü's extended hand, and we half-ran half-flew to the retreating rickyd. But the Nolsa were on my trail once more, and the Qualucates would never have me escape without a scratch. Unfortunately I know that from experience. And right as Hashkü was carrying me into the Lanapoluceek, one of the Nolsa leapt up and with its sharp up-side-down mountain picks, dug into my right calf. I was prepared enough so that my left foot was at the ready when the Nolsa bit. And then, it was my turn to dig, and I did so with such force that my skisha was no longer on my foot when I was pulled inside the vessel, but rather stuck in the Nolsa's top molar as it was projected through the air by my blow. Okay, this is way too rushed. We have no idea what she's feeling or what she's thinking. have fear set into the bottom of her stomach. Indicate how much she really fears these people, how determined she is to stay away from them. Also shouldn't Hashku be doing something? I mean the person he's saving just got attacked

We [s]had[/s] made it just in time. The vessel doors started swirling in on themselves, separating us from the outside. In a matter of seconds the vessel would Watch out for your tenses take off. Only then did I turn to look at Hashkü. He was still holding me tight against his chest, so I had to pull away to glance at his face. [s]But he had beat me. [/s]He was already taking me in with his eyes. And then a smirk arose on his face and his eyes twinkeled mockingly.He took slake and chalk out from under his tunic. If he's doing that, shouldn't he have put her down? (O how I had missed seeing my brother using that slake! It was a dark purple surrounded by pure gold.)
And in swift movements he started shaping words in his curvy hand writing with the white chalk. It read, "Phewf! You smell worse than a Nolsa in heat!!!" I looked up at him horrified! But his shoulders were bobbing up and down, showing signs of unheard laughter. I joined him full-heartedly. This was my first real laugh since the day of my kidnap. It felt so warm inside that I couldn't help but laugh some more.
"Lets find you a hot spring." He wrote. I nodded eagerly.

After washing the mud off my body, I slipped into my heightic robes. They were much to small but they were better than the rough farm fabric. Really, Hashkü thought about everything. When I stepped out of the steam to join him, he nodded his head [s]as if he [/s] in approval of my appearance. I laughed and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks HashKü. Shall we go eat?" "Sure. Malicosh?" Why was he using a slake before? It seemed to me as though he couldn't talk?
I grinned. Malicosh is my favorite Malbouk food. It consists of boiled corn, which is then roasted and mixed with a dough. It is then stuck at the end of a stick and you may or may not eat it with a red sauce. As we were progressing slowly through the crowd, Hashkü pointed up at something. It was a big screen that indicated our route. We could see our vessel in space, and underneath it was a small planet. It was very hard to tell what planet it was because of our height. But lower down was a sign that indicated, "Eathashà". I hadn't realized we had gotten half way through our voyage! I looked around the room where other passengers were eating and talking. Thats when I saw them. A group all gathered at the glass wall that surrounded the ship, gazing out in space. Hashkü pulled at my sleeve."Wha..." A light blinded me and all the other passengers onboard. It was, it seemed, almost as bright as the sun! But a very different sort of light. This light was green. [s]But[/s] I had no more time to marvel. The loud speaker shouted at us to evacuate the vessel immediately! Hashkü's hand slipped away from mine."Hashkü!" I tried to grasp it back desperately but the crowd was pushing us further and further apart. "Hashkü! Hashkü!" But my screams were drowned in the bustle of the vessel. I was stumbling backwards, tripping over things, legs. My foot moved back to take another unsteady step and found nothing but nothing. "HASHKÜÜüüüü........."...



New Malbouk words Glossary

Skisha: sandal

Tolluse: Sort of god, creator.


I liked it! Good continuation:
A few additional suggestions:

Show us everything that is going on, really pull us into your world. SHow us what she sees, hears, smells, feels.

Emotions are very important, but I'm having trouble getting a sense of your main character because we hardly ever see what she's thinking or feeling inside her. Work on showing us more about her.

Watch out for consistent characterisations. At first it seems as though Hashku can't talk but then he can, it confused me.

Also, format wise, you need to put my paragraph spaces. This was hard on the eyes because some of your paragraphs were just a little too long. Please split the paragraphs up into separate ideas.

Other than that, keep up the good work! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!




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Okay, it's kind of confusing overall, I still don't get why she was kidnapped or by who, or the basic storyline, it's all kind of, well, very confusing. Also in the last paragraph I think it needs to be separated into two or three different paragraphs, the topics seem to be all over the place in that one paragraph. Through it I was kind of ??? Also, it is when, not wen, I'm sure that's a typo though.

EDIT: Also, I think you need to be a bit more descriptive.

Sonlen's Glossary

A bit more descriptive- a lot more descriptive



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