Hive Mind, Own Will

Look at him!
Always lookin' for chicks with ass, flash some cash
so he can smash and then dash like Sonic.

A cute face really ain't needed.
Just a little back on the side, some big tits and he's with it.

Ready to pounce on the pussy like a puma with the prey.
Mission of the day: use your D-I-C-K.
Pussy, to him, is like food to Ralphie May.

He's a junkie, wait, no, a glutton for it.
Put it in his face nd he'd NOT do nothin' for it
but wait/weight
for the sperm back-up to build up so much that he carries it as one.

No time to waste if he wants to save face
by finding a place to fill the space in between her legs.

Just to bone, he goes around chasing tail like a dog.
Classified as disloyal, dispicibal, disgraceful and wrong.

"But Damen," they say, "would never act the same way... He's different."
I got some bad news for you though;
We have the exact same thoughts.

When I see a badd bitch I too want to hit it raw,
maybe even go about 7 1/2 inches past her jaw, make her cough,
fuck long enough that my dick gets soft from exaustion.

But I don't.

I suffer from the diseases of morality, respect, and the deadly affliction of patience.

Just because I have those urges, it doesn't mean to act on them.
To do so on purpose makes me a fool worse than him.

You may feel that thought alone makes me guilty still.
But just because we have a hive mind, it doesn't mean I don't have my own will.

Ok, so we start out with Ludacris, and end with a confession.

I'm confused.

-First, spell check. Despicable, not dispicibal. And, not nd.
- Wait/weight works on (0) levels. Sometimes you have to kill your cleverness.
- After "But Damen", we aren't reading a poem anymore. The rhythm breaks down completely. I feel like this is more of an apology for your poem than a part of it. I understand the point, moral, yes. But it does not justify what we read. At all.
-Ok, now aside from the fact that I hope no females read this, graphic imagery in poetry (see "make her cough") should correspond to some deep emotion. You should be making us feel disgusted with that. You are. But that doesn't seem to be your only intent. Are you trying to make us laugh? While I am not one who ever says that the "point" of a poem needs to be fully understood for it to be good, I really cannot begin to understand what th point of all that was.
- You totally grossed me out after breakfast, thanks.

P.S. How is this dramatic poetry?

This is really aggressive. I can't really even review this, timjim said it all. I'm just asking, What's the point? What's the point of hitting readers with harsh and disrespectful lines and misspelled words? How is this poetry? I don't whatsoever see the poetic twist in this. It's just confusing. Sorry – no star from me.

I have to admit, this isn't a poem. This is more like a freestyle or lyrics...

It isn't as gross as I thought it would be, having read the other guys' posts before I read it. But that doesn't mean anything, I guess. You should consider putting this in the lyrics forum, because that's what this really is...lyrics.

And honestly, if this was lyrics, then I don't think anyone would complain about how you're hitting them with aggresive and disgusting words...I know plenty of lyricists who do that.

This sounds like a rap with a lot of unnecessary cussing. I am grateful for the warning and all, but not all rated R pieces have to have 10 curse words in one poem. Many poems that are rated R, have passion and meaning to them. They are about lust and in a sense they are beautiful. This just seemed like a rambling, more then anything with a lot of words not needed. I would put this in the lyrics section if I were you. I'm sorry but right now, I can not really review this.

Josh

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but this is DISGUSTING. What is the point, like many have commented already, of this? I do not feel anything out of it, and I honestly do not consider this poetry. Poetry to me, makes you feel something; anything. And I felt nothing but an urge to go puke because of these vulgar images. I understand the rating, but just as Love2act4ever said, pieces of writing that are rated R aren't filled with such a vulgar attitude.

This would be considered a rap, I suppose? And yes, rap could be poetry, if you write with meaning. This, to me, just looked like a contest to see how many curse words and cussing you could fit into one poem.

I'm sorry, this just was not my style or taste.

And I, for one, am a girl who respects herself, like many out there. And this came across not only as revolting, but extremely disrespectful. I don't understand what you're saying here. You contradict yourself too many times to count.

Are you apologizing for your impulsions and urges? Or are you agreeing with the supposed "nature of man"?

Honestly, I'm not going apologize for the poem. I believe that we are all entitled to our own form of self expression. If you didn't like it that much, you didn't have to leave a comment. But, as I just said, we are all entitled to our own form of self expression so I can't be mad at you. As for the poem, I figured that other poets would be open minded and mature enough to read without judging the writer. True, the language is vulgar. What were you expecting from a rated R poem with the discription "For mature eyes only?" It's like walking into a yard with a "beware of dog" sign and expecting a poodle. The reason for the vulgarity is for the effect. I wrote the poem in response to all my females friends that think that all guys are the same inside and out... except me. The point is to say that all guys think that same, but it's what we choose to do with those thought is what makes the difference. If you didn't get that then I don't blame you. And as far as the rhythm, it's most effective when spoken. That's all I'm going to say for now. From now on, critique the poem and not the poet.

First of all, 3-Damentional, thank you for properly rating this ^_^ Yes, it's especially crass, but you're also right; given the ending, it works with the poem. And that is all I'll say about that.

Rhythm

Look at him!
Always lookin' for chicks with ass, flash some cash
so he can smash and then dash like Sonic.

Personally, I don't think there are enough syllabals in the third line here in comparison with the rest of the stanza. It's like "dash like Sonic" isn't enough of an ending.

Ready to pounce on the pussy like a puma with the prey.

Nice alliteration.

He's a junkie, wait, no, a glutton for it.
Put it in his face nd he'd NOT do nothin' for it
but wait/weight
for the sperm back-up to build up so much that he carries it as one.

Something about the "junkie, wait, no, a glutton" sounded especially hokey. Sort of like it's a misstep in words rather than an intentional correction.

In the second line, the repetition of short vowels before the "and" is awkward, as there are so many short sounds to say in quick succession. Also in that line, the A was left out of "and". If you're looking to eliminate the A sound entirely, use an apostrophe as a placeholder instead. However, I would recommend using proper grammar in this whole line: spelling things correctly and eliminating the double negative. I see the tone that's used, but that same tone isn't used in the rest of the poem, so it seems especially out of place here.

In the third line of this stanza, get rid of the wait/weight thing and just pick one. Having both there is unnecessary, and you don't need to call attention to the double meaning for it to be noticed.

In the fourth line of that stanza, the rhythm from the rest of the poem is pretty much nonexistant, and the second half of the line doesn't make much sense.

Just to bone, he goes around chasing tail like a dog.

Classified as disloyal, dispicibal, disgraceful and wrong.

These lines have especially awkward rhythm and half rhymes, and they don't really seem to relate to each other, save for the actual rhyming part. Also, they don't advance the description of the person being described like the previous lines do. I'd eliminate this stanza all together and get to the point. The previous stanza ("No time to waste..."), actually, will provide a bigger contrast to the "But Damen..." stanza that follows this one.

"But Damen," they say, "would never act the same way... He's different."

I got some bad news for you though;

We have the exact same thoughts.

From here to the end (especially the last three or four stanzas) is just stream-of-consciousness writing; the rhythm's all off and previous poetic elements like dually meant words, interior rhyme, etc. aren't really present. It's like shoving the message in the reader's face, especially with stanzas like:

Just because I have those urges, it doesn't mean to act on them.

To do so on purpose makes me a fool worse than him.

In all, think carefully about the ending; don't let this turn into a soapbox for the description of the "hive minded". The first half used strong imagery, but the second half relied mostly on summation statements and vague ideas. Use the summary you gave in your response above when looking for a direction in the second half: "The point is to say that all guys think that same, but it's what we choose to do with those thought is what makes the difference."

Good luck!