Do Not Confess (Useless Love)

Writen just a day after finishing the novel, 'Possession' by AS Byatt and heavily influenced by the poetry and letters therein. Not my usual style, I'm uncertain if i even like it. very open for advice/harsh critique.
**


Do not continue, Oh please do not
With what you begin to say
Have we not always known between us
That we may only continue
To sustain, to proceed –
To keep afloat in these uncharted territories
Where together we paddle
You at the oar, I with my hand to the course
Daring not to let my eyes be drawn by whirly-gigs
Of hope – mist – sunlight on water eye-dazzle --
If what is unvoiced between us remains
Silent,
Unacknowledged,
Un-nodded to in passing.

Do not approach
Do not peel away my glove
From my pale hand, so untouched and clumsy,
Little hands that begin to flutter now,
My small bit of wrist that shows between my close-buttoned cuff
And my close-buttoned glove
Begins to prickle with anticipation of a touch
That cannot come –
Will not –
I cannot allow –
But you stand before me, solid and real
Not an assemblage or words on a page,
Or half glimpsed around my fan
As my coward eyes refuse
To find purchase on your face
While we politely converse among Company,
You stand before me and put out your hand
Asking for mine
So that we might take a great step,
Take a leap –
Take flight from these cumbersome bounds of gravity,
Contentiousness,
Necessity –
You stand and you ask,
Were you any other you would tug me close, embrace
But even now you recognize that I am stone
Unmovable –
Though not so unmovable now
As I crack and splinter within
In a fashion much swifter, more feverish,
Than the tectonic creep
With results no less alarming
My calm surface ripples
I fear bits of Self shall be sloshed
And jostled away,
I will be lost in confusion.

What will be changed by your loving me,
By my loving you?
Your course is set, and mine
Mine is set as stonily as I am –
As is Woman’s lot –
You will break me, you will tear me in two
So that one part of me goes with you, wondering
And one stays with me
Headless,
Regretting.
Please, may we not remain only adjacent persons?
Say only Affection, say only dearness,
Say only what we may pick up
And set down
And not what will hobble us forever more.

i read it twice to get the understanding of it but to make it moe clear the first time you should go back and change a couple of words. I liked how they both wanted to take risk on their love but they kept it quiet and now they may never know what it would become. keep this poem. just i think that you should change a couple of words and it would be great!!!!

This is really good, I like it alot.
Going a little uber-English-nerd on you, I love how your lack of puncuation further increases the tone of risking, almost panic and a hint of slight desperation. It makes me happy.
There are a few things that need tweeking, but nothing major.

To note:

Un-nodded to in passing.

The wording is a bit confusing, you might want to say "Un-nodded into passion?" It just makes it easier to read.

I look foward to reading your other stuff.

LP

The style is interesting. I like the haphazard sort of construction and the mood that comes with it, but the poem still needs to be refined. Some things definitely ought to be cut...set a line limit for yourself so you'll be forced to cut out everything that isn't necessary. I'd aim for about two-thirds of what you have now.

I'll use this stanza as an example:

Do not approach
Do not peel away my glove
From my pale hand, so untouched and clumsy,
Little hands that begin to flutter now,
My small bit of wrist that shows between my close-buttoned cuff
And my close-buttoned glove
Begins to prickle with anticipation of a touch
That cannot come –
Will not –
I cannot allow –
But you stand before me, solid and real
Not an assemblage or words on a page,
Or half glimpsed around my fan
As my coward eyes refuse
To find purchase on your face
While we politely converse among Company,
You stand before me and put out your hand
Asking for mine
So that we might take a great step,
Take a leap –
Take flight from these cumbersome bounds of gravity,
Contentiousness,
Necessity –
You stand and you ask,
Were you any other you would tug me close, embrace
But even now you recognize that I am stone
Unmovable –
Though not so unmovable now
As I crack and splinter within
In a fashion much swifter, more feverish,
Than the tectonic creep
With results no less alarming
My calm surface ripples
I fear bits of Self shall be sloshed
And jostled away,
I will be lost in confusion.

This is how I would redo it. Things I've cut have the slash through them, obviously, and additions are in bold.

Do not approach
Do not peel away [s]my[/s] the glove
[s]From my pale hand, so untouched and clumsy,[/s]
[s]Little hands that begin to flutter now,[/s]
My small bit of wrist that shows between my close-buttoned cuff
And my close-buttoned glove
Begins to prickle with anticipation of a touch
That cannot come –
[s]Will not –[/s]
I cannot allow –
But you stand before me, solid [s]and real[/s]
Not [s]an assemblage or words on a page,
Or [/s]half glimpsed around my fan
As my coward eyes refuse
To find purchase on your face
While we politely converse among Company,
You stand before me and put out your hand
Asking for mine
So that we might take a great step,
[s]Take a leap –[/s]
Take flight from these cumbersome bounds of gravity,
Contentiousness,
Necessity –
You stand and you ask,
Were you any other you would tug me close, embrace
[s]But even now you recognize that I am stone
Unmovable –
Though not so unmovable now
As I crack and splinter within
In a fashion much swifter, more feverish,
Than the tectonic creep
With results no less alarming
My calm surface ripples
I fear bits of Self shall be sloshed
And jostled away,
I will be lost in confusion. [/s]
Yeah, I cut all that stuff at the end. I think one of the main problems here is that you jump around too much. As I said before, I like the flighty, dreamy mood but too many images is just too many. I also think comparing someone to stone is cliche.

Also, be careful when using this sort of elevated language. Sometimes it sounds cool, but sometimes it sounds like you're trying too hard to use it. Write comfortably!

Please, may we not remain only adjacent persons?

This is good.

-Colleen

I really enjoyed reading this, the imagery is nice and to me its a very refreshing love poem.

I particularly loved this line:

Not an assemblage or words on a page

Assemblage is such an unused word it was nice to see it used so effortlessly. I don't have a negative critique to say about this aside from the fact this gets a little bit monotonous to read. It's a bit long too for many poetry readers I feel as well.

But overall I think it was very well done. *stars*