Liberation

"Congratulations, Johnathan! You've won your 4th consecutive surfing championship!"


It was the middle of July after my sixteenth birthday and I had once again, won the Sasso Surfing Championship. Everyone from my high school, Sasso High, was there, even Alyssa. I had knew Alyssa since elementary school and every year, it seemed as if we got closer since we started going out in 6th grade.


"You did great out there Johnny! Of course, I wouldn't expect less from you!" Alyssa exclaimed.


"Thanks! When you're here, I feel I can always win" I said.


Alyssa embraced me with a grand hug; I smiled. Every time she hugged me, I couldn't help myself from smiling, every time she kissed me, I couldn't help but laugh after, it was a normal involuntarily occurrence.


"Come on, let's go get something to eat I'm starving" My stomach grumbled.


"Ok, let's grab something from Pizza King" Alyssa suggested.

We walked from Memorial Beach to the nearest Pizza King, bought one box of pizza, and went to my house. I opened the garage with the clicker, put my surf board in a corner, and unlocked the garage door. No one was home. I sat the box of pizza on the living room table, while Alyssa sat on the sofa and turned on the television.


"I'll be back, I'm gonna take a quick shower."


"Ok" Alyssa stated, now mesmerized by the episode of The Valley Girls that was on.


As I finished getting dressed after my shower, I heard Alyssa laughing her head off downstairs.


"What's so funny?" I asked as I reached the last step.


"This guy on the show called this girl a bitch, and all her friends beat him with their purses!" Alyssa replied.


"Oh wow" I chuckled.


As I eyed the pizza box, I saw there were only three out of eight pizzas left. It wasn't strange for me, I had noticed that slim people ate a lot, Alyssa was one of them. As the three slices diminished, Alyssa and I caught hands.


"I'll wrestle you for it" Alyssa giggled as she gazed into my eyes.


"Get ready to -"


Alyssa jumped at me before I could complete my sentence, and grabbed the slice. We held on to the slice, stared in each other's eyes, and then begin to roll on top on each other on the floor. After almost twenty continuous rolls, we were getting fatigued.


"Alright, you can have it" Alyssa pushed out from her tired body.


"What can I say, I just never lose" I laughed.


As I finished consuming the last slice, Alyssa sprung at me and began embracing my lips.


"We lied there, together, kissing, happily, with no cares. . ." I thought before welcoming sleep that night.

Hey Shinox! Here's my review key:
red = comments
bold = words/sentences/phrases I think could work better
Here we go!

Shinox wrote:"Congratulations, Johnathan! You've won your 4th consecutive surfing championship!"


It was the middle of July after my sixteenth birthday and I had once again, won the Sasso Surfing Championship. Everyone from [s]my high school[/s], Sasso High, was there, even Alyssa. I had known Alyssa since elementary school and every year, it seemed as if we got closer since we started going out in 6th grade.


"You did great out there Johnny! Of course, I wouldn't expect less from you!" Alyssa exclaimed.


"Thanks! When you're here, I feel I can always win" I said.


Alyssa embraced me with a big hug; I smiled. Every time she hugged me, I couldn't help myself from smiling, every time she kissed me, I couldn't help but laugh after, it was a normal involuntarily occurrence. A bit of a run on sentence. Split up your ideas.


"Come on, let's go get something to eat I'm starving" My stomach grumbled.


"Ok, let's grab something from Pizza King" Alyssa suggested.

We walked from Memorial Beach to the nearest Pizza King, bought one box of pizza, and went to my house. I opened the garage with a remote [s]clicker[/s], put my surf board in a corner, and unlocked the garage door. No one was home. I sat the box of pizza on the living room table, while Alyssa sat on the sofa and turned on the television. Too much telling. Please show us what's going on. Describe the surroundings, describe the way the house feels. Have him call out to see if anyone's home.

Shouldn't he be feeling excited. Even though he's won this before shouldn't he feel the rush and everything of winning again?
"I'll be back, I'm gonna take a quick shower."


"Ok" Alyssa stated, now mesmerized by the episode of The Valley Girls that was on.


As I finished getting dressed after my shower, I heard Alyssa laughing her head off downstairs.


"What's so funny?" I asked as I reached the last step.


"This guy on the show called this girl a bitch, and all her friends beat him with their purses!" Alyssa replied.


"Oh wow" I chuckled.


As I eyed the pizza box, I saw there were only three out of eight pizzas left. It wasn't strange for me, I had noticed that slim people ate a lot, Alyssa was one of them. Watch the runon sentences. As the three slices disappeared, Alyssa and I caught hands.


"I'll wrestle you for it" Alyssa giggled as she gazed into my eyes.


"Get ready to -"


Alyssa jumped at me before I could complete my sentence, and grabbed the slice. We held on to the slice, stared in each other's eyes, and then begin to roll on top on each other on the floor. After almost twenty continuous rolls, we were getting fatigued.


"Alright, you can have it" Alyssa pushed out from her tired body.


"What can I say, I just never lose" I laughed.


As I finished consuming the last slice, Alyssa sprung at me and pressed her mouth on my lips.


"We lied there, together, kissing, happily, with no cares. . ." I thought before welcoming sleep that night.

Well done!
Overall Comments

Plot: The way you started your story was very abrupt. I think to make this story more dynamic you should start with him surfing. Maybe start with him riding his first wave, the feeling of the cold water splashing against his face, him skillfully manipulating his board into artful tricks. Make it seem easy and fun and exhilarating for him. That would definitley pull the reader in. Then have him win and then continue with your story. It will make much more sense that way and Alyssa kissing him later will mean more to him. Maybe as he waits for the judging he watches her, anxious to see what she thinks of him.
Also, more action. Since the two of them have been going out for like 6ish years the whole kissing scene was not very surprising/kind of boring. Maybe instead have her finally say I love you, something that they haven't done before. That kind of thing. You need to be more descriptive and show us more of what's going on. You have a lot of different ways to go with this piece but ending with them kissing on the floor isn't really a complete ending, surprising, or shocking. It doesn't move the plot anywhere.

Characters:
I had trouble figuring out Johnny. Ask yourself who he is. I know he loves Alyssa but to what extent, I have no idea. Also, he doesn't seem very happy when he wins. I mentioned that above. Show us more of his feelings and thoughts so we can get a better picture of who he is.

Other than that, keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions.

I liked it. Expand more on the characters, like Scasha said. You don't tell us much about Alyssa or Johnny--other that Johnny is a great swimmer, Alyssa is skinny and can eat a lot of pizza.