Reason for Rebellion

A new dawn; as the sun sets on
A Bed of Acid. Wisps of green
pave the way to intoxication.

The mindless rabble now has a voice:
Junkies of Capitalism.

They swarm the streets, infesting
all that remains of today; in hope of
A Better Tomorrow.

Fuelled by empty promises,
they flock to their peril.

Their uniformity is kept in check, by
the Emerald Being. It’s thirst for domination
cannot be quenched.

The enslavement of mankind has begun.

Heya, I haven't see you around. I'm Eimear, by the way. Nice to meet you!

So I thought this was pretty awesome. A few things bugged me though. Well, not bugged me exactly, but they caught my attention and drew me away from the message of the poem.

1. The punctuation is a little crazy in places. I would re-work, just for an example, the first stanza into something like this:

A new dawn; as the sun sets on

a bed of acid, wisps of green

pave the way to intoxication.

You notice also that I've got rid of the unnecessary capitlazation. I understand that it may be for a specific reason, but I think the words are strong enough without that device. It's only a suggestion, of course.

2. Show, don't tell.
In places you force the message a little. For example, I changed this line around a little.

The mindless rabble now has a voice:

Junkies of Capitalism.

Mindless rabble rising in one voice,

junkies of capitalism.

Ok so that isn't great but I think you catch my drift. Of course, by 'show, don't tell' I mean try to use more poetic devices and describe more.

Other than above, I really loved this. Great spirit. Great poetic voice. I loved the last line:

The enslavement of mankind has begun.

Best wishes,

Eimear

hey, good job. I liked this a lot. I would suggest adding another line to the last stanza, though. It seemed incomplete and did not follow the pattern of the rest of your poem.

Hmmm, I feel that the sentiment here is a bit too blunt for it to have much of an impact. There is something to be said for subtlety.

- I don't think the tone of the poem warrants the capitalizations.
-"A new dawn; as the sun sets": Semicolon totally unwarranted. How would you feel if I stuck a semicolon in the middle of you?
- "mindless rabble": bordering on cliche, but you may be able to pass it.
- "Junkies of Capitalism": Hmm, definitely not subtle.
- "kept in check, by": lose the comma, and kept in check is also a cliche.
- "It's thirst for domination/cannot be quenched": It's should be Its. The thirst/quench metaphor is sort of flaccid, but it can also pass. Consider word choice on domination.
- 1984 has come and gone. Just kidding.

Keep up the good work.

I really enjoyed your poem, dually noted is that I'm more of a recreational reader than a editor. So you will not hear any grammar problems from me lol. I enjoyed your poem because I could genuinely relate to it. As far as diction you were able to I feel successfully state your main idea. My favorite part of your poem

"Fuelled by empty promises,
they flock to their peril."

Great job and good luck on future work.


-Drew

What are you trying to say here?

I understand what you're trying to say - but it has no effect on me. Eimear correctly pointed out: show, don't tell. And that's the biggest thing. You tell, tell, tell. But you don't show, and more importantly, you do not make me feel. Taking the content of your poem, and the title, by the end of it I should not only have a reason to rebel, I should want to get out my pitch fork and start storming capital hill. Instead, by the end, I have no idea what I read.

Don't just stand on a soap box and lecture your reader. That makes for horrible poetry. Give me something to feel, something to taste, something to hear and smell and believe and imagine. You can't give a list of thoughts and comments and expect your reader to react strongly.

A good example of using a poem to comment on something in society is Departemental by Robert Frost. It's more of a comment, rather than a criticism (yours is a criticism) of socialism. You can see how the ants say much more about socialism than if Frost said, "Everyone just does their job, and doesn't care about anyone else, and it's so departmental." It has power. Find a way to give what you say power - make you reader want to revolt.