Destiny Fatale

It all began in the school, he was in 10th grade and he had 4 friends. Every day when school is over, this kids go to their "usual spot"

That place is in the outside of the school, and abandoned place you can say. There is an old and rare tree that seems to be there before our grand-grand fathers even existed.

The name of the kid's friend are: Ari, Stan, Mark and Crest.
Do not forget that the kid is called Stricent.

They are used to hang in that place everyday when school is over, It is not a dangerous place. The kids forgot the time and kept playing and doing things when suddenly...

Stricent: "Huh? look at the tree..."

The tree began to sparkle in some rainbow-like colors.

Ari: "Why is the tree...glowing"

Surprised and curious the boys approached the tree...the tree with great force absored the boys right into the middle and then disappeared from the human eye to see.

All were absorbed into the tree and then Stricent has some dreams of people screaming for help

Stricent: "W-what is this?

Some folks approached Stricent screaming for help.
The kid waked up in a bed with torn-out clothes and some scars.

Nurse: "$%#%^$@@?
Stricent: "What?
Nurse: "Oh, I'm sorry you don't seem to talk Zorithan."
Stricent: "Zorithan? Is that an idiom?
Nurse: "In fact it is...is a lost lenguage in which only people with the proper character and knowledge can obtain."

She took out a white cloth and submerged it in water and then squished it into the bowl. She putted the cloth on Stricent's fore-head.

Stricent: "It hurts...where did I falled?
Nurse: You falled from M.T Dragonsbane...that mountain is one of the most dangerousdangerous places to be."
Nurse: ""You seemed to fall minutes away before the greatest emperor...Emperor Elvin, showed up and rescued you.

Nurse: ""Don't worry, he has paid full service today and tomorrow..oh, here, He gave you 500 zikel, he said take care.
Nurse: And also he gave you new clothes for you to try on, and if you want you can go outside and explore the town.


The boy changed clothes and then walked to the door.
But before he exit the tent..

Nurse: "Hey, there's a tournament in the main street...you can go if you want."

Stricent: "Okay, thanks."

The boy opened the curtain from the tent and then he saw the town...
Muscular mans with load of fish, woman carrying pots in their heads,
and the most thing that captured his attention... sword practice.

The boy asked around where was the main center and a townsfolk pointed the main street. With haste he runned through the town.
The boy running pushed a swordsman down that appeared in his way.

Swordsman: "Hey, watch where you're going, kid."

Stricent: "It is your fault, and don't call me kid"

With an evil grin on his face, the swordsman draws his sword and points it to the boy's neck.


Swordsman: "You seem to be new here kid, I will let you live... but don't you dare on facing me."

Stricent: "-breathing angrily- ... "

The swordsman put the sword in his sheath and then maked his way to a tent.
The boy didn't seem to be scared but he then runned his way to the main street.

He then arrived at the main street and saw a huge crowd and two boys fighting with an ogre, and a mountain goblin.

Stricent: "Are those..?

The boy confused watched the fight as if he cannot do anything.

The boys were fighting with some knowledge of what they were doing.
One of them was fighting the ogre... an over-sized with a giant mallet on his hand. The boy seemed to have 2 katanas and some ninja robes... so he uses ninja techniques

Ninja: " -laughes- C'mon... make a move already"

The ogre rushed with his mallet and striked the ground making an earth-slash towards the ninja.

As the earth-slash approaches the ninja

Ninja: "Pathetic... -puts head in his shoulder to let it rest and disappears-"

The ogre confused looks around...
The ninja appeared and climbed on his head and his both swords slashes the head off the ogre.
The headless ogre falled to the ground and the ninja jumped out the dead ogre looking backwards

Ninja: "This is too darn easy!"

As with the other boy, he face the goblin and the went straight to the un-known boy

Shadow wielder: " -sighs and summons dark powers above the ground and they grab the globin"

Shadow wielder: "Poor globlin...you asked for it. -he draws some kind of staff and stabs it in the globin's heart making he lose the spirit and leaving the corpse useless"

Announcer: "LADIES AND GENTLEMAN THE WINNERS ARE STAN THE NINJA AND ARI THE SHADOW WEILDER!"

Stricent gasped and runned pushing the crowd aside to go to his friends.

Townsfolk: "Hey watch it kid"

Townsfolk: "Woah"

He arrived and the two boys looked at Stricent and gasped.

Ari: "Str-Stricent!?
Stan: "Is it really you!?

Stricent: Yes, it's me!"

The 3 boys surprised said

Ari: "Where are you we were all worried."

Stan: "Where we you all this time?

Stricent: "I falled in some M.T Dragonsbane and luckly survived"

Ari and Stan gasps

Ari: "Well, where are Mark and Crest?

Stricent: " -looks down- Sorry, I haven't found him yet"

Stan: "I see...Don't worry -smiles- we will find them together"

Ari: "Yeah"

Stricent: "Sweet, ok then we better start in..."

Announcer: "Hey, warriors, you forgot your reward"

The announcer handed 1500 zikel and 1 Zathorin teleport

Stan: "Thanks"

The announcer retires and watches the corpses of the defeated party.

Announcer: "Wow...this guys are really tough..."

Stricent: "Where we should as the townsfolk for any strange events."

Ari: "Woah woah woah"

Stricent: "Huh?

Stan: "You don't have a skill."

Stricent: "Skill?

Ari: "Yes, a skill. It is in the art in which you especialize the best"

Stricent: "I see, well how can I learn this "skill"

Stan: "Well, we assigned to these skills when we arrive. I'm afraid you will have to go to the Magic shop."

Stricent: "Ok, can you guys come with me?

Ari & Stan: "Of course"

The boys headed towards the tent...will this be a begining for the young heroes? Or shall it be their doom.


Chapter 2: Life and Justice
Coming soon.

Alright. When I came here I promised not to be a sap and be all nice to the people who haven't developed proper writing skills yet. So here's the truth, this was a mess. My head exploded on the third line and that's not good. I usually love all writing but there are some which need to be done over.

I didn't bother going through the whole piece and correcting every mistake. I would end up rewriting the whole piece for you. here are the main things wrong with you piece.

Tenses

My biggest pet peeve. You mixed all the possible tense together. When you write a piece you should keep in one tense consistent through out the work. Like this:

Past tense:
I ran through my forest. Heavy footsteps crushed the brush behind me, threatening to overcome me. I pushed a branch out of my face a kept running.
As you can see, this is all in the past tense. this is the best thing to use in writing and the easiest.

Present tense:
I pass Josh in the hall. He looks at me, smiles, and walks into his class. A sigh escapes my lips, he forgives people too easily. I weave through the other people going to class. I try not to step on their feet but I fail miserably.
This talks about what is happening right now.

Dialogue

When people talk you never ever use colons (: ). When people talk you simply use a comma (,) and the persons name.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do." replied the nurse.

Discription

There was absolutely no description in this piece, most of it was poorly written dialogues. The tenses made it worse. The conversations are only the skin to the entire body piece. You need the bones and the organs, which is the description.


Get your Tenses, Dialogues, and Description in there and I will come back for a proper critique.

Ciao
~Lupe

I see, thanks. This is my first time so I expected a harsh critic ^^; Well, I will try to fix it the best I can. Also. I am having a tough time changing spanish to english, which is not easy. Anyway I will fix it and look foward to your next review.

I personally liked it. I mean, yeah it wasn't "proper writing technique" but many amazing authors can write away from the norm. The dialogue was written wrong, kind of like a screenplay really, but it was cool. I'm sure most people don't like it though, sadly. Anyways, the story was good, I mean it was a lot like a video game (Final Fantasy, anyone?), and I can't complain. I like video games. So yeah, if you fixed up some of those grammer mistakes and then added some more about the setting, it would be a pretty cool story.