My Coffee Cup

My Coffee Cup

The dregs in my coffee cup
Resemble something I lost
Swirling into your face
Leaving once I look
Why do they go?

On diff’rent lands do you walk
A small object took sweet life
Those at your memorial
Didn’t feel emotion
They still aren’t now

Jelly spattered pieces of toast
Remind me of where you went
Seeds of fellow comrades
Are shadowed by blood
All turned black

Some people were never found
Are there shards of them left?
I wish I could go search
But I would die too
Do you want that?

Deep fried doughnuts, thick in fat
Signify the machine you drove
Destruction it soon caused
Did you deserve to die
For lives you took?

It’s quite odd thinking of you
Never do when I desire
Reminiscing seldom
Trying not to
But death lingers

Hello again!

Okay, well I've noticed that you definitely have the potential to be a really great poet. You have a certain... cleverness is the word I want to say, I suppose, to your writing. Quite new and fresh with good imagery. But, like some of the other poems you've written, it gets rather confusing.

Jelly spattered pieces of toast
Remind me of where you went
Seeds of fellow comrades
Are shadowed by blood
All turned black

These lines perplex me. Okay, I suppose you mean rasberry jelly, because of the seeds, but how are seeds like fellow comrades? Explain that. Also, how is jelly like heaven (assuming this person wnet to heaven). Please clarify that as well.

Some people were never found
Are there shards of them left?
I wish I could go search
But I would die too
We don’t need that

I like the first three lines of this stanza. But the last ones I feel are out of place. Explain why searching for shards of lost people would kill you.

Deep fried doughnuts, thick in fat
Signify the machine you drove
Destruction it soon caused
Did you deserve to die
For lives you took?

What's this machine? An army tank?

Love the last line.

Well, that's all I have to say. Happy editing!
Holly

Hi! Congratulations on the title, it's great when the title is so interesting the reader wants more immediately. So points for that.

First of all, the length of the poem is good. Not too short, not exhaustingly long.

Then leave once I look

I was having hard time understanding this line. Okay, I got it after a little struggling, but maybe you should make it clearer. Then again, it may be a good thing in a poem, I'm not sure.

They still aren’t now

Again, the same thing as above. I think it means that they still aren't shedding tears? I hope this is right, otherwise I'll feel like a complete jerk...

We don’t need that

Too empty.

Deep fried doughnuts, thick in fat

I can imagine this. Nice job.

This is what I have to say. Demeter has left the building.

Best wishes
Demeter xx

I don't explain my work, as a writer that is not my job. I write for the self interpretation of my audience.

I really liked it. Your title dragged me in. I was, in a sense, very curious to read this, and it seemed so different from the title. It was good.

Now this comment may be just me, because I am so used to hearing it.
You used "You" a lot. I was told, by my English teachers over and over again, that when writing avoid repetitiveness with you, me, I, etc. Try to avoid using it so many times.

Like, instead of....

Did you deserve to die For lives you took?

Try changing it like this,

"Does life need to die for the ones that have been taken?"

I don't know, I am only throwing out ideas.

Over all, I thought you did a good job.

Josh