Milboukia *Part I*

" Malountic Teelious Panoctos!"
I hurried trough the crowd as the loud-speaker annouced the departure I was to embark upon. Disguised as a common milbouk, I had to push my way to the gigantic luminous, vessel. I looked over my shoulder every few steps, like a common fugitive. All ready they were gaining on me. To think I was passing through the royal city, Licoto, and not stoping to embrace my chiouso, made my heart ache and burn. Tears started flooding my eyes, making it twice as hard to move.
"Dixclastina...neufastina...huitacastina...septeelopastina..."
Oh no! now they were counting the clasheer off! If only I had my wings! But no. My captors had to had burnt them off so no escape was possible. But then again, only royalty could fly in Licoto. Therefore it would be impossible to fly unless my true identity be discovered. A big Milbook shoved me to the right with his sac of Malico, Milbouk corn, breaking into my reverie. "Moneecipal!" I cursed under my breath. And then, I saw it. The big, wide opening, heading straight to the Lanapoluceek's rickyd. I looked once more over my shoulder. They were quick! I realized with a pang. They had my scent all laid out for them. Eurk! those hideous Nolsa! My heightic blood is stonger than a normal Milbouk blood. Now they reached the big Milbouk, a few malcies away from where I stood. But, impossible! They turned to the left, heading away from me! I didont stop to think any more than that, knowing that the Qualukates would only be twenty malcies or so behind their nolsa, I took off at a rissssa into the open. Then, I saw him............

*Glossary*

Milbouk: Inhabitant of Milboukia.
Chiouso: Family/ great bond.
Clasheer: 30 sec in the earthen time.
Dixclastina...: 10...9...8...7...
Moneecipal: Worst swear word in Milboukia.
Rickyd: Vessel ramp
Nolsa: Qualukates' sort of dog in our world, but with no eyes. Only a terrifying sense of smell.
Qualukates: Kidnappers of Heightic Milboukee. (Female Milbouk) Owners of Nolsas.
Heightic blood: Royal blood.
Malcies: 3 feet
Rissssa: Leap/run.

Wow 'titia. This is simply amazing. Amazing. Its so exciting! And creative! Ahh! It ended! I must read more! There's hardly any mistakes too. I don't know what else to say! Its spectacular.

I hurried trough the crowd as the loud-speaker annouced the departure I was to embark.

'embark upon' I think.

To think I was passing through the royal city, Licoto, and not stop to embrace my chiouso, made my heart ache and burn.

'stop' should maybe be 'stopping'

But, Impossible!

Impossible doesn't need to be capitalized

I didont stop to think any more than that, knowing that the Qualukates would only be twenty malcies or so behind their nolsa, I took off at a rissssa into the open.

'didont' = didn't. Probably just a typo.

Then, I saw him............

Great ending! I can't wait to read the rest!
It painted such a vivid picture, even though I didn't understand all the 'foreign' words as I read it.
Do not abandon this! I have to find out what happens!
See you later!

Hey Dustfinger! Sorry if I repeat the stuff the person below me said.
Anyway my key:
red = comments
bold = words I think could work better
Let's review:

Dustfinger wrote:" Malountic Teelious Panoctos!"
I hurried through the crowd as the loud-speaker annouced the boarding of my flight Departure of what? A plane? Be specific. [s]I was to embark upon[/s]. Disguised as a common milbouk, I had to push my way to the gigantic luminous, vessel. I looked over my shoulder every few steps, like a common fugitive. [s]All ready [/s]they were gaining on me you don't need all ready . To think I was passing through the royal city, Licoto, and not stoping to embrace my chiouso, made my heart [s]ache and [/s]burn. Tears started flooding my eyes, making it twice as hard to see and slip through the crowd[s]move[/s].
"Dixclastina...neufastina...huitacastina...septeelopastina..."
Oh no! now they were counting the clasheer off! If only I had my wings! But no. My captors had [s]to had[/s] burnt them off so no escape was possible. But then again, only royalty could fly in Licoto. [s]Therefore[/s] it would be impossible to fly unless my true identity be discovered. A big Milbook shoved me to the right with his sac of Malico, Milbouk corn, breaking [s]into[/s] through my reverie. "Moneecipal!" I cursed under my breath. And then, I saw it. The big, wide opening, heading straight to the Lanapoluceek's rickyd. I looked once more over my shoulder. They were quick! I realized with a pang. They had my scent ingrained in their minds[s]all laid out for them[/s]. Eurk! those hideous Nolsa! My heightic blood [s]is[/s]smells stronger than a normal Milbouk blood. Now they reached the big Milbouk, a few malcies away from where I stood. But, impossible! They turned to the left, heading away from me! I didn't stop to think any more than that, knowing that the Qualukates would only be twenty malcies or so behind their nolsa, I took off at a rissssa into the open. Then, I saw him............

*Glossary*

Milbouk: Inhabitant of Milboukia.
Chiouso: Family/ great bond.
Clasheer: 30 sec in the earthen time.
Dixclastina...: 10...9...8...7...
Moneecipal: Worst swear word in Milboukia.
Rickyd: Vessel ramp
Nolsa: Qualukates' sort of dog in our world, but with no eyes. Only a terrifying sense of smell.
Qualukates: Kidnappers of Heightic Milboukee. (Female Milbouk) Owners of Nolsas.
Heightic blood: Royal blood.
Malcies: 3 feet
Rissssa: Leap/run.

Overall Comments:
You have a very interesting story here! I like it. Just a few additional suggestions:

Your main character talks a lot to herself so I would put her thoughts in italics. Also try and make the piece seem more frantic. Have her pushing into people, slipping in between conversations, pulling her hood over her eyes more, have her heart racing, just overemphasize all her senses. In times of panic all senses become overly well sensitive to everything, a heightened sense of things if you will. Anyway just try and convey her fright a little more.
Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work!

I am sorry about the fact that I cannot give you much in the way of grammar or punctuation correction, as I have difficultly with it myself so any attempt would be a case of "the pot calling the kettle black".

BUUUT! I found that your opening was very engaging; it was not hard to become involved with the action or keep track of the deliberate pace of the scene.
I do feel that there could have been more description in regard to where your character was, who they were and who were around them. Creating a mental image of the setting was rather difficult, and I have a feeling that if your audience imagine something that has no baring to what you originally intended; that would be somewhat irksome.

Overall this excerpt has the beginnings of a very appealing and interesting story, which I have no doubt is very complex and inventive.
TOP JOB MATE

I love your story. I just have a tiny suggestion. When I read the first paragraph, I noticed it had alot of commas. You might want to fix that. But good jod with the details. I always have a problem with those. Can't wait to see more! Oops, I just realized there is more. See ya later!

Mmmkay, It is kind of confusing, but a prologue or more info later in the story could fix that. And already is already, not all ready. Only other thing is that I think you have a bit to many words from another language. (Sorry about that, I just hate reading glossaries). Other than that, this sounds like a great story with tons of potential.