My First Love Poem, "Remind Me"

I'm not a love poet by nature, but I figured I'd give it a shot. This is what came out of me. Don't sugarcoat any comments please.

Remind Me

A dilemma my heart faces
The places you still linger
Those many romantic places
My one crooked finger
How they remind me of you

A lipstick stained glass
The alcohol on my breath
Those cigarettes in the grass
My unfortunate death
How they remind me of you

A song that I often sing
The tune so quiet and soft
Those joys that ring
My silent roof loft
How they remind me of you

A gravestone that tells
The green moss that grows
Those funeral bells
My many sad woes
They forever belong to you

Most of it is great ringo but the one you kept using at the end wasgetting old by the end of it and this is quite short. You could easily expand this.

How they remind me of you
How they remind me of you
How they remind me of you

It kind gets old.

Oh, and two reviews please.

I must be a noob because.. two reviews?

look at your private messages. I exclaimed.

*Ahem*
First things first: END RHYME IS THE GREAT SATAN. NEVER, EVER, EVER, USE IT. (Unless, you are a VERY skilled poet and are using it for a specific reason, i.e. to make fun of end rhyme or some such thing) Otherwise, if you do use it, your poetry becomes waaay too sing-songy, and it takes away from the impact of your poem.

Further, there are only so many words that will rhyme with any particular word, therefore, it limits the diction and word choice you can have, and as a poet, your job is to play around with language--to try to get away with as many things as possible, while painting the most vivid picture possible. End rhyme is the antithesis of this. so its a BIG no-no.

Other than that, your imagery is alright, but it could be better. You are very bland and blase, and often times "tell" rather than "show"

What alcohol? What cigarettes? What gravestone/sad music? SHOW ME don't TELL ME.

Aside from that, unless you're purposely being repetitious, I think the repetition of the last line in each stanza is a bit much.

Keep writing.

Hey there! -waves-

I find this poem reasonably good. The thing that bugs me is that it kind of confusing.

My one crooked finger

Okay, is he like Cap'n Hook or something? This line really boggles me... like is it that "Come over here" finger thing? Make it a little more clear if possible.

My unfortunate death

Er... if he's dead... could he be writing this...?

A song that I often sing
The tune so quiet and soft
Those joys that ring
My silent roof loft
How they remind me of you

How does My silent roof loft fit in with the rest of these lines? Roofs and songs don't really... mix.

A gravestone that tells
The green moss that grows
Those funeral bells
My many sad woes
They forever belong to you

Okay, is it the dead guy who's writing this's funeral or his lover's? Also, how rude! My many sad woes, they forever belong to you? I mean, if I loved somebody, I wouldn't want him to give me all his woes and hit the road. "Bye honey! I left all my woes in the fridge for you!" (audience laughs in background) Oh, jeez, that's nice! Am I right or am I right?

Anywhoo, overall, a good first attempt at love poetry. You know, love is something that everyone has and poetry is an excellent way to get some of that love out, you know? I think love poetry is probably the easiest to write because everyone can identify with it. Keep that in mind. (Also, love poetry is reaaaaal good for the ladies, if you know what I mean. -nudge nudge-) Is there some girl you like? How do you feel when you're around her? Are you suddenly acutely aware of the atoms in th air speeding up every time you see her? Are there diamonds in her eyes when she's outside? Does her hair shimmer like waves when she moves? What do you like about her? When writing love poetry for the first few times, I think it's the best to write about what you know, not from what you hear about love. Then your poem is sincere and heartfelt. Because I highly doubt your a guy who died and left a girl with all your woes. xD

Keep writing! I should like to read more!
Holly

Hi there; welcome!

This was a good first attempt at writing love poetry; I applaud you in that respect. You tried to put in some interesting imagery - "My gravestone that tells" - but as Sabradan rightly says, your rhyme scheme limits how much you can play around with your language. If you're having trouble with this, stick to blank verse: it's much easier to 'show' in that form.

Speaking of showing: there was hardly any in this piece. You tend to blithely state your feelings, in other words tell them and not SHOW them.

Some of your associations seemed illogical. How does "[The speaker's] one crooked finger" remind them of their lover? Why? Was it because it once bore a ring? They always caressed their lover with that finger? If you explained your ideas more and SHOWED them, perhaps we as readers might get a better sense of what you're trying to say to us.

A serious flaw in this poem is PUNCTUATION. I found no trace of this at all apart from your capital letters. Punctuation is vital in a piece: it helps the reader to get the flow of the language and therefore read for meaning. E.g.:

A dilemma my heart faces:
The places where you still linger;
Those many romantic places;
My one crooked finger;
How they remind me of you.

Above all, this poem lacks soul. There's no feeling or passion for the language; everything is just blandly stated. Perhaps with time, revision and much more showing, you will rectify this.

Go for it!

Gahks

(At the moment, I'm rating this 5/10. With some thought and care, you can get this to an 8! I know you can do it!)