Intuition- Grand Finale

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“Wake up, Ms. Lowe. Up and at ‘em.”

Mel opened her eyes. Her head burned, pain surging through the layers of sleep.

She was in a white, sterile looking room. There were a few people hovering by the only exit. There were no windows.

And Mel didn’t know what was going to happen.

Lastly, her eyes settled on a figure towering over her bed. She was in a bed?

It was an elderly man; his face was bright, almost gleeful, but somehow mirthless. There was a crazed, wild glint in his eye that made Mel shiver. She started to sit up, but discovered that her arms and legs were secured to the bed.

“Where am I?” she croaked, her voice hoarse from lack of use.

“In my home. My facility… And your place of birth,” the man said.

“What?” Mel was incredulous.

“You are… my first success. My first… triumph.”

“Who are you?”

“I am Amadeus. Your creator. And, in a way, your father.”

“What are you talking about…?” Mel’s voice, dry with dehydration, cracked and crumbled. Much like her spirit.

“Your parents never told you that you were adopted? Hmm… How are Jack and Helen?”

“Let me go!” Mel squirmed and writhed, struggling to free her limbs from their shackles. Nothing happened, aside from her head hurting still more. No one moved to stop her. They simply watched her antics with interest. She made no other reply, so he continued.

“I can’t. It’s taken a long time to find you, Ms. Lowe. Yet here you are. And I’m sorry about the headache. I’m afraid that we had to keep you under for the best results. We’ve been conducting a memory scan… Your head is quite a full one. I, and my assistants, have managed to unlock the key to your ability.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

The man’s beard shook as he chuckled.

“Of course not. You see, Ms. Lowe, I found you. Abandoned on my doorstep, so to speak. I won’t go into the details; they really aren’t that interesting. I tested you, experimented… And, most importantly, I didn’t feed you anything that wasn’t artificial. For months you were fed through a tube. And it affected you, though we didn’t know. You’ve never been the same.

“But your results hadn’t shown any abnormalities; they didn’t show up for nearly a year! And I thought my experiment was failed. So I placed you into the foster system. And you disappeared… And now I have found you. At last…” He rubbed his hands together, and continued, relishing the moment.

“As I said, we’ve been scanning your memory, and have revealed some interesting facts. Your ability flares up when you are looked at through mirrors, or after you ingest organic materials, or when you look at trees. There are other triggers. However, these are the most significant. That is why the pain from your first premonition was so violent: you’d been in contact with three triggers beforehand.”

A klaxon sounded, and the man looked at a man next to the door. They both nodded.

“I’m sorry to do this, Melody. I never meant to cause you pain. But I can’t help it; there are greater forces at work here… Oh, yes, two things. Firstly, the reason you haven’t been having premonitions in this facility, or in the forest, is that we’ve been injecting you with preservatives. These seem to calm your system, and return your brainwaves to a laconic pace. It should wear off in about thirty seconds. I’m about to give you another dose. The last thing… Would you like to know how I found you? I shall tell you.

“You submitted a short story to a website, under a pseudonym. I found it, about five years ago. I noticed how similar the symptoms of your character were to my other subjects. And then, you registered at a Vermont hotel under the same name four years ago. So we tracked you down, with the help of the woman you met in the forest so long ago. I can’t seem to recall the name of the story… Oh, yes… It was called ‘Intuition’.”

He unscrewed the top of a bottle of serum. A thick, clear liquid floated inside, and slowly, he drew a needle from his pocket and filled it with the fluid.

“Like I said, I’m sorry to do this. But the time is up, and you may start to predict what we’re going to do to you. And that would be more painful then actually having it done… Don’t worry, we’ll have you under the whole time. Though I’m sure you can predict exactly what I’m going to do with this needle, even without your ability.”

He bent, and stuck the needle into her arm.

Her last thought wavered, then she fell into the blackness again.

I have to get out of here. I’m going to get out of here.

The only problem was, she didn’t know if it was simply her desperate need to escape, or her ability.

Her Intuition.




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Nit-Picks

Lastly, her eyes settled on a figure towering over her bed. She was in a bed?

Icky paragraph much? Let us feel her slowly adjust to her surroundings, feel the bed under her, and then look up to see a man there. And ditch ‘lastly.’

“You are… my first success. My first… triumph.”

I’d ditch the ellipses on the second one.

“What are you talking about…?” Mel’s voice, dry with dehydration, cracked and crumbled. Much like her spirit.

Why is her spirit broken? You have given us no reason to believe that.

“Your parents never told you that you were adopted? Hmm… How are Jack and Helen?”

A big jump in the dialogue – maybe say ‘Hm… I thought Jack and Helen would be better parents than that.’

I, and my assistants, have managed to unlock the key to your ability.”

What headache? Also, wouldn't a guy as 'smart' as him know proper grammar? It's 'My assistants and I have...' In dialogue you can break grammar rules, but I don't think someone like him would.

He rubbed his hands together[s],[/s] and continued, relishing the moment.

“As I said, we’ve been scanning your memory[s],[/s] and have revealed some interesting facts. Your ability flares up when you are looked at through mirrors, or after you ingest organic materials, or when you look at trees. There are other triggers, too, though[s]. However,[/s] these are the most significant. That is why the pain from your first premonition was so violent: you’d been in contact with three triggers beforehand.”

Firstly, the reason you haven’t been having premonitions in this facility, or in the forest, is that we’ve been injecting you with preservatives.

Wouldn’t she notice if some guy gave her shots throughout her whole life? Or at least since she was 22?

“You submitted a short story to a website[s],[/s] under a pseudonym.

And then[s],[/s] you registered at a Vermont hotel under the same name four years ago. So we tracked you down, with the help of the woman you met in the forest so long ago. I can’t seem to recall the name of the story… Oh, yes… It was called ‘Intuition’.”

Oh – so she’s been there for a while? Make that more clear earlier on.

He bent[s],[/s] and stuck the needle into her arm.

Overall Comments

No offense, but I hate people who talk about writers in their stories. You just said the whole story was about you, and I find that annoying. But we’ll just forget that I think that, since it’s just a personal opinion. ;)

This does leave a lot open, but it’s in a good way. It makes me think, but it doesn’t make me want to knock down your down, telling you to finish. That’s good. :)

I still need more details, though. In some stories you can get away with none, but not here. I don’t feel like I’m there, and that ruins the story.

Good luck, and happy editing.

PM me with any questions, especially the details thing. I can be more specific. :)

~JFW1415




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Hey, randomgrrl!

I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this. You didn't disappoint, though--I read through it again in a sitting and it's a really interesting story. You had some interesting characters and a cool plot. What more could a reader want? ^_^

There were a few things that I'd like to touch on, though.

SHOULDA KNOWN

For many mystery readers, part of the fun is finding the clues as you go along. Granted, you don't have enough clues (usually) to completely solve the thing yourself, but they exist, and when the truth is finally revealed, you have a kind of "a-hah!" moment.

The "a-hah!" moment wasn't there for the unveiling of the truth in this story. Why? She ate a candy bar, sure. But don't most kids? It wasn't a significant enough event for me to remember it all the way to the last part of the story. In fact, when I got to the end, I was like, "What candy bar?" A candy bar isn't the most natural of objects, so an aversion to "organic" foods doesn't make a lot of sense in this context.

In order to make your story fun for your readers, strategically drop your clues in places so that they'll both remember them and feel that little twinge of disappointment when they didn't put two and two together sooner.

IN FOR THE LONG HAUL:

I'm pretty sure JFW covered this, but if she didn't, there's one thing you definitely need to work on in your revisions: your pacing. Why? This story went very quickly, and yet seems to last for five minutes. You shift time, but we're not quite certain how and why.

How can you fix this? Try to think of your chapters as short stories. They have a beginning/hook, a middle, and an end that ties it all together. The conclusion in itself should add a feeling of strength and finality to each piece--usually it's all you need for the reader to feel fully satisfied about what they have just read.

__

^_^ As usual, you know where to find me if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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Hi RandomGrrl!

Oh, I'm sad that it's over... but kind satisfied with the end, all the same.

[s]Lastly[/s], her eyes settled on a figure towering over her bed. She was in a bed?
Self-explanatory, no? I don't like the "lastly" because in real life, you'd notice it all at once. It's only in writing that it has to be in a particular order.

Mel’s voice, dry with dehydration, cracked and crumbled. Much like her spirit.
I agree with JFW -- you don't really tell us why her spirit is cracked. She's nervous, curious, scared even, but not disappointed -- which is what I think of when you say that her spirit is cracked. So, nice analogy... but out of place. Maybe you should use it towards the end, when her spirit has reason to be cracked?

A klaxon sounded, and the man looked at a man next to the door.
This is kind of confusing; "the man" is Amadeus -- right? Why don't you call him Amadeus, then? :?

I noticed how similar the symptoms of your character were to my other subjects.
Other subjects?! Does that mean he's done this to OTHER people as well? *blink blink*

The only problem was, she didn’t know if it was simply her desperate need to escape, or her ability.
I suggest you delete the bold part and make it be just "and."
_______________

Ooh... I love how much you leave up for wondering in the end! Will she actually get away? There's this glimmer of hope, but we're not sure if it's fake or not. I love it.

I think the ending, on a whole, is a bit too sudden. We're following her life all this time, then all of a sudden -- scary scientists, hospital rooms, injections. Couldn't she see this coming AT ALL? I think that if you show us little hints... little glimpses in her mind's eye of men in white coats... that would also help with the problem that Sam mentioned. The problem that we have no hints whatsoever.

Like Sam said, the pacing is too fast. That's part of what made part three so out-of-place. Right now, it's like every section is action-packed, except three. I think it would be better if it was more equal. If maybe each chapter had one attack? (by "attack" I mean when she gets nauseous and stuff).

On a whole, I think if you fix the pacing a little, this could be really amazing... in a creepy sort of way.

Thank you so much for a wonderful read. As always, feel free to PM me.

Hope this review (and all of my reviews of Intuition) helps! Let me know if you want me to look at something else you've written. :D
~Azila~



not to be woke but i just can't go around eating houses
— chi