Dreamscape- Prolouge

((Heya! I haven't written in a while now. I've always had ideas in my head but none of them have really took flight. This one came up with boredom so I honestly don't think it's very good. I need you guys to help me. Should I keep going with this or just let it fall?))

Dreamscape


Prologue

My name is Tara Greyfen and I was born on Earth in 1991. I am one of a growing race. We are Defenders of Earth, the gifted, and the outcasts, the heroes of your storybooks; more importantly, we are the Dreamscapers. We are the ones who are given gifts to keep your perfectly little neat and tidy planet alive and working.
Few planets are granted the gift of life; Earth was the most abundantly ‘blessed’. The blessing bestowed on Earth was a large mistake, one that couldn’t be reversed. The Presence realized she made a huge mistake. Yes, a woman rules your existence, put that in your juice box and suck it. Anyway, The Presence realized her mistake of giving humans intelligence and made us, the Dreamscapers. She granted us a 'superpower' to save the world with and in exchange we would do her footwork and keep you mere humans from blowing yourselves up.
Before she came to me I never had much to think about. I was seven at the time and barely able to think for myself. I agreed to The Presence’s offer. She gave me seven days, one for each year I was alive, to think about what I wanted for a power. I finally chose a shape shifter on my third day. I'd always loved dogs, their grace, their ability to make everything seem alright with their crooked smiles. My mom was a vet at one point. she brought me in to meet one of her patients. A local farmer had found a wolf with a broken leg and asked my mom to fix her. She agreed. Ever since I looked into that wolfs eyes I've always dreamed of being a wolf, free and beautiful. All I had to do was wait. Those days remaining were the longest of my life. She kept her promise and in seven days she returned.
“Have you decided, my daughter?” Her stance radiated royalty.
“Yup.” I beamed, rocking on my heels, my hands clasped behind my back. Her smile seemed to light the kitchen where we stood. The Presence bent down to look me in the eyes. Her hand stroked my blonde curls.
“Well?”
“I wanna change into a doggie.”
That comment raised her elegantly arched eyebrow. “A ‘doggie’?”
“Mmhmm!” I smiled like a good girl.
She laughed a tinkling laugh. “May I see this doggie you want to be?”
I frowned. “The doggie’s in my head.”
The Presence’s head inclined, looking down at me through dark eyelashes. A thoughtful look spread across her face. “I think I can still see it. May I have your hand?”
I looked down warily but returned her look with confidence. I held out my hand and she took it. Her skin felt like spider webs I used to run through all those summer mornings. A soft coolness pulsed in her hand and a picture of my husky came into my mind. I shook my head. “No, not that one.” I focused on a different dog, the one I had made up.
A fierce animal came into my consciousness; unlike my pet husky this was a large, wolf-like dog. The dog grinned a wicked smile and opened her mouth to reveal a row of sharp teeth. Two blunt fangs were visible even after she closed her mouth; these were used for tearing and power. I made the dog turn to show her side. Choppy, sandy colored fur spread all over her compact and muscular body with the exception of her paws, legs, and snout, which were black. Her tail was extremely short, almost bobcat-like. Sturdy claws clicked as I showed The Presence what I wanted her to walk like. Her casual yet powerful gait seemed to impress The Presence.
She sighed and let go of my hand. “Clever choice.” I smiled at the praise. The Presence laid her hand on my shoulder, her eyes closed. Iciness pulsed throughout my body with the beat of my heart. A flash of heat promptly followed the cold. My eyes watered. I closed them furiously. I held back a scream and made myself not pull away from The Presence. She sighed and let her hand fall. To my relief the heat subdued itself, residing only in my spine.
“Try it out,” The Presence commanded. “Enjoy it. When the need arises, I will call.” I expected her to disappear with a flash or some smoke or something. Instead she simply ceased to exist. One second she was there, the next she was gone.
I must admit it was hard being a child who could change into a menacing dog at any moment. I almost exploded one time when my second grade teacher scolded me for something I didn’t do. Since then I’ve learned to control my urges to spring forward, fang loaded. It was ten years, my seventeenth birthday, until The Presence called on me again. That’s when my life really picked up.

Oooh!... I like it. ^_^ There's was practically nothing that I didn't like about it. Maybe that, "I giggled," part, it sort of bothered me for some reason. I'm not sure why though. The plot is very intresting and I can't wait to see the first chapter of it. It's very good, don't think otherwise! Keep it going!

I wonder... Why a dog? That was probably the only thing that surprised me. I wasn't expecting her to choose that, but then again, I wasn't sure what to expect. Also, does "the" really need to be capitalized every time you say The Presence?

Most favorite line:

Yes, a woman rules your existence, put that in your juice box and suck it.

I totally agree. *nods in approval*

thumps up!

-kittykat

Layelun,

It’s horrible, no? To have dozen of ideas floating around your mind, and somehow not be able to put them on paper? Been there a million times… *self-pity. But, onward with your critique!


Quote:
I am one of many, a growing race.
That sentence is a bit run-on. It also isn’t clear to what that last part is referring to, and I suggest that be cleared up.


Quote:
We are Defenders of Earth, the gifteds,
“gifted” - cut the extra “s”.


Quote:
Few planets are blessed with the gift of life; Earth was the most abundantly ‘blessed’. The blessing bestowed on Earth was a large mistake, one that couldn’t be reversed.
I’d swap the first “bless” with something else. Later on the emphasize is okay, but too much isn’t too good, not always. Also, the relationship between sentence no. 1 and sentence no. 2. Notice that they are a bit of a contrast. “Earth was blessed”, but then the Presnece realized she made a mistake… “but”. Or something like that. Emphasize the contrast.


Quote:
She granted us a power of our choice
I don’t quite understand that - it’s explained later on, yes, but I still thing it ought to be somehow cleared up there, too.


Quote:
Seven days was a long time for me, and my patience never has had a long wick.
I don’t like the used time, somehow.


Quote:
“Have you decided, my daughter?” her stance radiated royalty.
“her” - capitalize.


Quote:
That comment raised her elegantly arched eyebrow, “A ‘doggie’?
No comma - period.


Quote:
She laughed tinkling laugh, “May I see this doggie you want to be?”
No comma - period. Also, something is missing in the tag.


Quote:
I frowned, “The doggie’s in my head.”
Period.


Quote:
A thoughtful look spread across her face,
Period.


Quote:
I shook my head, “No, not that one.”
Period.


Quote:
unlike my pet husky this was a large wolf-like dog.
Comma needed, I think.


Quote:
Her tail was extremely short, almost bobcat like.
Hyphen, though I’m not 100 % sure.


Quote:
She sighed and let go of my hand, “Clever choice.
Period.


Quote;
“Try it out.” The Presence commanded, “Enjoy it.
I’d make the period and comma change places - it won’t look as awkward, then.



Well, the line-by-line crit done, no? Usually the sentence that follows the previous one is an introduction to ay impressions and/or likes and dislikes I might have, but this was a prologue, and a short one at that, and so I can’t really say much. Though as a prologue, it worked - no wracking your poor nerves on how to explain everything later on, and gives the reader a (vague) idea what to expect. Idea - struck me as very interesting, and I do hope you will continue this.

The only thing I’d be nitpicky about is the dialogue punctuation, though that can be very easily cleaned up, and the last paragraph. Or, to be specific, the part about the teacher… That, I feel, is too unsubstantial. It’s just a statement. It tells us that she didn’t do anything, and yet the message that is passed says that she was angry, no? Perhaps it’s not the place for a prologue crafted as it is, but I’d like to see details. Either give them, I think, or cut it out, and the spread tidbits of how the MC managed throughout the proper story.

Well, perhaps I shall have something more constructive to say when the next installment will be out - because it will, no?


Cheers,
Esme

I like it. You included plenty of detail and I like how you described and explained your character's choice.
I would love to read more of this story if you ever write more for it. It sounds like it'd be really good.

Man, I love this, though it may have taken you time to put that idea onto paper, it was a pretty good idea. Definitely keep going, whatever you do DON'T let it fall.

Layleun wrote:My name is Tara Greyfen and I was born on Earth in 1991. I am one of a growing race. We are Defenders of Earth, the gifted, and the outcasts, the heroes of your storybooks; more importantly, we are the Dreamscapers.

Usually I wouldn't really like it, when authors say 'I'm _____' for the first part, but you made it work more than others.

Yes, a woman rules your existence, put that in your juice box and suck it.

I love this line.

Anyways, The Presence realized her mistake of giving humans intelligence and made us, the Dreamscapers. She granted us a 'superpower' to save the world with and in exchange we would do her footwork and keep you mere humans from blowing yourselves up.

Keep up with the humor, it's giving your piece a lot of voice also.

My mom was a vet at one point. she brought me in to meet one of her patients.

This should be : My mom was a vet at one point, she brought me.....

I think that's all I really found. You said you were bored when you wrote this, right? I wish I could write this well when I'm bored. PM me when you have the next piece up or if you have any questions.
~MV

My name is Tara Greyfen and I was born on Earth in 1991.

This is a bit of a no-no when it comes to stories. Really not a fan of this opening sentence. Perhaps it could do with introducing it some other way, although it works surprisingly well for this.

We are Defenders of Earth, the gifteds,

Should be "the gifted"

Other than that, great stuff, can't wait to read more

I liked it. Good Story, plot, etc. However, I did not like the characters. When I was reading it, I didn't get a sense as to where or what they were. All I know, is that they are, "Defenders." How do they defend Earth and why?

My name is Tara Greyfen and I was born on Earth in 1991.

This line is used so much. I'm agreeing with HC that you should introduce characters other ways.

My two cents.

Well, I guess all the nit-pick grammar is out of the way, so I won't repeat that.

I liked it, it's very well detailed. As for what Midnightwolf said, I don't agree; this is only the prologue, in my opinion, it would be boring if you sat there and described every little thing about her, that's what the rest of the story is for. Maybe that's just me, though, it's your choice. When you're writing the rest of it, make sure to keep the humor, it's doing a lot for your story. PM me when you put the rest out.

I've actually read the first chapter before I saw this lol. That's because I've just recently joined YWS. Anyways, I liked seeing the background information. Again, I think wolves and werewolves are beautiful, horrifying creatures. I love how you created a whole race that lives undercover. It's so cool. And you didn't think this idea was good!!! It's a brilliant seed idea and having read Chapter 1, I think you planted the seed just right. Keep on rolling out those chapters. I can't wait to read more. I'm waiting for people to check into my own werewolf novel and in the meantime, I'm just going around reviewing interesting topics. Good luck and keep writing!!!

This is a great idea for a story. I think that if you use the advice given by the others, you'll be find. I'm going to save you from another long, possibly boring critique.. Well mostly. The only thing I have against your story is this:

Anyways, The Presence realized her mistake of giving humans intelligence and made us, the Dreamscapers.

This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves, because it is used so frequently in school and everywhere in general. "Anyways" is not a word that should be used. Instead, use "Anyway". (Just cut off the s.)

Other than that, it is a great idea! I'm sure you could easily put all of the other random thoughts floating around in your head to good use in this too. Keep up the great work. I look forward to hearing more!

~Daniel

Personally, I loved this. I'm really attached to wolves (and werewolves) and have, at times, wished I could also shapeshift (into a werewolf of course), so I'm really glad that there's a story like this.

The grammar portion has been posted already, so, I don't have much to say, only that I really, really liked this idea. Keep on writing! I would love to follow the story.

If it's not much trouble, you can PM me when you've posted something new I really would like to keep track of her. *hooray for shapeshifting*

Best of luck.

I really like this story. Your character is pretty strong, and I adore her. This world needs some strong heroines, or heros, whichever you prefer. You said you just wrote this down out of boredom. You must be pretty good to write this without trying. Anyway, I enjoyed the story. Keep it up.

I love this start to your story! It's very unique.

Tara seems to shine, she is that sunny, which is rare in a story of this type; they're normally all strict and stoic, so it is nice to see something different going on for a change.

put that in your juice box and suck it.

- is my favourite line in the entire piece because it is so childish.

The shape shifting has revoked old wishes to have the power to change into anything but me. *nostaligic haze* Wolves are beautiful creatures and it would be awesome to be able to change into one.

Everything has basically been said but I would just like to say that I like this and will be whisked away onto the other chapters as soon as I have finished writing this. Like others have said the opening sentence is used a ton but I really don't think you should change it for this because it works very well here. Your character is great and I like the bits of humor that you threw into it.

Well I better be off to read the other parts.Keep up the great work

Cait