Held

I could never know
what I never learned;
I could never ache
where I never burned.

I could never lust
if we hadn't met
and now I'll never
ever forget

when the sun exploded,
the moon turned green;
we lost the sky
and the stars between,

yet even in darkness
you cried my name.
Through icy tongue
I did the same

until the storm
released her fangs
and brushed away
her brittle bangs.

I looked up
and I could see
that your arms
were holding me.

Hey! Thanks for the critique on my story. I am so glad you're back! YWS is hopeless without Fangala!

I could never know

what I never learned;

I could never ache

where I never burned.

Awesome. Complete awesomeness. Although, change the last line to, "where I've never burned."

I could never lust

if we hadn't met

and now I'll never

ever forget

This is really forced, sad to say. The 'never ever' is what threw me off. I think that it made this a bit immature. I would take it out and try to rephrase it or something. Also... a period or comma at the end of the second line.

when the sun exploded,

the moon turned green;

we lost the sky

and the stars between,

Love this! But I would edit it like this to keep the same beat and rhythm.

when the sun exploded,
when the moon turned green;
we lost the sky
and all the stars in between

It's not the greatest, but it keeps the beat a little more.

The rest was fine.

I didn't like the ending all that much. The beginning and middle was fantastic, but the last stanza was kind of a let down. I would scrap that last stanza and try to write something that'll sum it all up. It's not the stuff that in it, but the way that you presented it. It's just not cutting it.

Well, FFF, this was fantastic! I wanna read more!

-Jared

That was short and sweet, but it described the point perfectly. I liked the ending. Nicely

worded and done. I do agree with bigbadbear about something though, the never ever

did throw me off. Although I didn't think that it sounded childish, I didn't think it went

with the flow as much as another couple of words could, you know? Just out of curiosity,

were you talking about vampires? If you were, maybe you should embrace the subject a

little more. This is my favorite line:

when the sun exploded,

the moon turned green;

we lost the sky

and the stars between,

Is this to be apocalyptic or something? Or was it fantasy? Either way I liked it. I felt the rhythm you were keeping went well, and I also felt that the rhyme factor wasn't pushed, which is good. I agree though with BigBadBear on the end. You had such a strong beginning and middle, but I felt you lacked a little in the end. Good work.

Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 8:50 pm Post subject: Held

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I could never know

what I never learned;

I could never ache

where I never burned.



I could never lust (You need some kind of punctuation. Because it will seem like a run-on sentence"

if we hadn't met

and now I'll never

ever forget
The poem had some grammatical errors but the poem I read it was great I liked it a lot.




If you Need me pm me GordonRamsayLuver

Thanks for the reviews, everyone!
To answer your questions, this is not about vampires (although I do have a vampire poem floating somewhere in my piles of notebooks), but it is somewhat apocalyptic. It's based on a pretty bizarre novel I wrote about a fox-human hybrid fairy who falls in love with a lion-human hybrid, and they have to save the world.
Anyway, I'll work on strengthening the end.