First chance at Forever

First Chance at Forever
By Angel of Death

A crowd of dark eyes stared at me, boring through my soul like sun rays breaking through dawn. I gripped my sword tighter, pain surging through my veins. My heart beat out of control, arousing a chorus of laughter among these patrons of the night.
Blood dripped from their ivory fangs, and hell burned in their eyes. As the moon continued to make her ascent in the sky, the final cadences of sunset vanished.
For years I have been consumed by a war that in my eyes is pointless. My soul is tired and my will is weak. Time has captured my soldiers, turning them into demons of the dark. Death has tortured me to the point that I could almost taste my own demise.
It would please my enemies if I were to plunge this sterling silver sword into my heart. I could almost feel them drinking from my troubled soul, laughing all the while.
Lightning struck the seas, setting the dark sky ablaze. Hesitantly, my gaze left the eyes of the demons and settled on the moon. It was beautiful, her ivory eye shone brighter than the sun and her violet hair swayed in the midnight air.
I wanted to live, that is why I spent half of my life fighting a war that was not mine to begin with. Each scar that graced my face reminded me that I can be bruised but my strength can never be broken. Not even a mob of blood-thirsty monsters could stop me. All I wanted was life, and I would do anything just to have it.
Knowing that this war was not yet over, I returned my gaze to one of the monsters, and then sauntered towards them, hoping that my force would knock them down. Instead, they stood their ground, unperturbed by my blow. Pain surged through my veins. They were carved of stone, these hellish demons, nothing could weaken their stance.
My face met the wood floor, but before I could upright myself, someone was at my neck, breathing down my shirt. This someone pulled me up with one quick movement and made me drown in his eyes. They were hungry, cold with death. His skin looked as if it was birthed from diamonds, for it shimmered in the moonlight. I could tell his hair was black for it matched the darkness inside his soul.
Death was upon me, I could feel it as the vampire's nails dung into my skin. Fire wove through his veins and charged his dead heart. His only intentions were to suck my soul dry, and there was nothing I could do about it.
The sword that I had held in my hand was somewhere in the darkness. It couldn't save me now. Slowly, I waited for this blood-thirsty creature to send my soul into the black abyss but he didn't do it. Hesitance swam in his eyes.
"Come with us. I will give you your first chance at forever," he said, releasing his hold on me.
Confusedly, I stared at the vampire wondering what he'd gain by not killing me. My blood was practically laid out in front him, so why did he not take it?
Rain fell from the black sky, blanketing the world with gray. Growls filled the air, dancing against the wind that combed through my hair. Nothing could break me from the gaze of my pursuer. It was as if I knew that I was destined to be....
The sound of thunder crashing against the shore broke my thoughts, sending fear through my soul. A vampire chuckled, hunger burning in his eyes. My dark captor turned to glare at him, snarls escaping from behind blood-sheathed fangs.
"Marius," he snapped.
Marius bowed before his master, apologies swimming his eyes. Just as I thought that I was free from the dark eyes that promised something that I knew I couldn't refuse, he returned his gaze to my face.
"How?" I whispered.
I gulped, silently scolding my curiosity, my ignorance. Everyone knew that once the venom of the vampire tainted your bloodstream, you'd become something beyond your wildest dreams. Immortal. Dead. Hungry for blood for the rest of eternity.
"I believe you know how, my friend. Forgive my manners, I am Lucius and these are my brothers. We...," the vampire started.
Just then another bolt of lighting skidded across the blue-gray sky, bringing with a crash of thunder. Lucius's dark eyes were illuminated, exposing the power he harbored in his souls.
"We were hoping that this day would come," Lucius continued, his eyes smoldering.
Pain ached in my throat and burned in my soul. Eternity stood before me, beckoning me forward with his dark eyes. Would I really want to gain something so heavenly for hell? Would I drink the blood of the innocent, for this sweet sin? Each time I thought of my skin losing its color and my eyes falling into the shadows, I felt pain. Then I realized that I was already in pain, nothing could be worse than the anguish I felt now. So fast, that I couldn't believe it escaped from my mouth, I said
"Give me forever. Let me be the day of your awakening,"
Those exact words still continue to haunt me each day I close my eyes. As I sail through the endless seas, I thirst for the blood of the men that work the decks. I fear for their lives as well for their worried souls. They have signed up for death, only because I wanted forever. My first chance at forever and I get a heavenly hell.

-this is my first attempt at Action/adventure so I'm not finished but please tell me what you think so far

I'm kind of confused as to what is going on. From what I understand, he is getting captured. From my understanding, "first chance at forever" means he will become immortal? Am I correct? If I am correct, or even incorrect, try to clarify more what it means. I really like this piece, though. The title is great, and if you understand what "first chance at forever" means, then the title fits perfectly. Good job.

I was confused as to whether these things surrounding the MC were vampires, another type of monster, or just evil humans. You say they're night soldiers, then call them parasites, then describe their fangs. I was getting the vampire vibe overall.

With all my might I barged into them, hoping that my force would knock them down.

I really didn't like "with all my might." I don't quite know why. Maybe it sounds like a kid would say it? I don't know.

You've got good images, but not quite gripping images. Yes, there is blood. Yes, there are fangs. But I think you need to approach the description in a way that will read as something entirely new.

I love the title as well.

First of all, I love your title. It fits the story nicely. Your descriptions are good however, they're not good enough to actually make hearts flutter in anxiety. And... well, perhaps more emotion from the main character. From what you've written, I can garner enough that he doesn't want to be there in the first place and that all he wants is to get out of the situation alive but I feel I'm lost when it comes to how he feels towards the vampires (okay, so you're not finished and all... I just wanted to point it out )

And also...

Death was upon me, I could feel it as the vampire's nails ?[s]dung[/s]? into my skin. Fire wove through his veins and charged his dead heart.

Perhaps you meant dug.


Good luck on this work. I'm looking forward to its continuation.

I like the title and how you started this story. You did a good job in describing the scene. I think you could use a little more description when you talk about the monsters. What exactly are they? Do they have a name? While reading your story I could see what was happening and picture it well enough to want to read more. Good job! I will be looking out for more.

I like the title and how you started this story. You did a good job in describing the scene. I think you could use a little more description when you talk about the monsters. What exactly are they? Do they have a name? I am not so clear on what your main character has gone through when you mention the war. If the character does not like fighting so much, then why is s/he there. maybe you can explain that a little more. While reading your story I could see what was happening and picture it well enough to want to read more. Good job! I will be looking out for more.

I like the title and how you started this story. You did a good job in describing the scene. I think you could use a little more description when you talk about the monsters. What exactly are they? Do they have a name? I am not so clear on what your main character has gone through when you mention the war.

I wanted to live, that is why I spent half of my life fighting a war that was not mine to begin with. Each scar that graced my face reminded me that I can be bruised but my strength can never be broken.

Why was this was the gate between life or death?

You did a good job giving the setting by showing the moon and dark sky.

His skin looked as if it was birthed from diamonds, for it shimmered in the moonlight. I could tell his hair was black for it matched the darkness inside his soul.
Death was upon me, I could feel it as the vampire's nails dung into my skin. Fire wove through his veins and charged his dead heart.

I also liked how you described the vampire. Good job! I will be looking out for more.