I do what Death cannot.

I have not one name, but thousands.
I am the screams beneath the moans,
I am your family’s broken bones,
I am the fallen stones of time,
You the broken toys of mine.

I am Lord of All and Nothing,
Hated and Loved.
But I am not Death.
Death looks to me with sadness in his eyes and says,
Why must you do these things?
I do not answer to him,
Only in my head,
But my answer is always the same.

There shall be no mercy under my thumb,
No repentance, no respite.
No death shall be slow.
I do what Death cannot.
I am the screams beneath the moans,
I am your family’s broken bones,
I am the fallen stones of time,
You the broken toys of mine.

I am Agony.

Ah- Bravo! *Claps

Welcome to YWS! Just remember to take a few minutes to look at the Rules and Guidelines- we expect each member to do 2 reviews before they post, and this goes for everytime you put work up. I hope you stick around, as it's a great place to learn and develop your skills as a writer. It's also a good place to chill and have fun!

So I really liked this. I loved the kind of riddle- or 'what am I?' ring to it and some of your imagery and poetic devices are surprisingly advanced. There's definate potiental here. You had me as a reader guessing, thus causing me to read on. That's half the battle won already.

First of all I'll tell you what I thought could have been improved:

1. The repetition of 'I' in the first stanza. This can be off putting for a reader and you are 'telling' us too much. Poetry is about being more subtle, and trying to 'show'. I would suggest re-working the first line into:

Not one name, but thousands.

The screams beneath the moans,

Your family’s broken bones,

I am the fallen stones of time,

You the broken toys of mine.

--> Although this is still very much telling, I think you get the idea.

'The broken toys of mine' is an interesting metaphor. But it needs developed- I think you led the reader on only to stop it at a halt with a full stop. Flesh this out!

Again in the second stanza I would try and steer clear of the 'I' aspect. It also sounds rather juvenile.

2. Strange capitalization. This is my pet hate. It's not necessary to use a capital letter to begin each line.

3. The flow needs to be worked on. It sounded rather choppy when I read it out loud.

Aside from that, I really liked this piece. I loved the ending:

I am Agony.

Good luck,

Eimear

Alright, thanks for your advice Eimear!

Eimear already kicked you about reviewing. ^_^ Please do so?

I have not one name, but thousands.
I am the screams beneath the moans,
I am your family’s broken bones,
I am the fallen stones of time,
You the broken toys of mine.

The first thing I notice looking at this stanza is the overwhelming use of "I" (already covered by Eimear - won't go into it) but also that your punctuation is all wrong. You use a lot of commas, when every line is its own sentence. So, instead, use periods. The final line "you the broken toys of mine" is the only line that isn't it's own sentence, but this is because it is grammatically unsound. It can be understood, but it still doesn't work for me. You can just punctuate it to, "You, the broken..." and that would be understood, and more proper, I think, but the part that gets me is "toys of mine". This isn't English. It's more of a French structure. (I speak French, so it's of course the first thing I mention.) But even in French you would say "Toys of me" not toys of mine. In English, we only say "my toys" and almost never "the blank of me", unless we are referring to someone else "The cat of my brother" but even then it is easier to say, my brother's cat. I would suggest striking the line altogether, just because the grammar of it is too wrong.

The comment on punctuation should be kept in mind for the whole poem, as should the overuse of the pronoun "I". The poem itself is OK. My largest problem is it is all telling, and boring telling too! You have no vivid imagery, no metaphors, and there is nothing beneath the skin of what you are saying. Yes, it is boring. Perhaps it is because of the poetry I most enjoy, but I prefer that a poem has something beneath it. There should be more than just words. And, even if there isn't something more beneath it, a poem should give the reader a thought, a feeling, an emotion to take with them after the read. It's hard to explain if you haven't seen it in action, and the best way to do that is to read poetry. And, reading poetry is the best way you can improve your own poetry. I highly suggest it.

Hope this helped!

If you have any questions about this review, or YWS, feel free to PM me!