Magic of the Four Elements~Chapter 6

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Chapter 6

Alexandra awoke with a start. As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she shivered in the cool air. The sun barely peaked over the trees, marking the beginnings of night. She hadn't gotten much sleep for the past couple of nights, because of reoccurring nightmares of battles and bloodshed. Although, the nightmare wasn't what caused her to awaken. She let go of her thoughts momentarily as a strange noise ripped through the oncoming night. It sounded almost like a little boy's cry for help. Leaving her book on the bench, she rose and walked over to the edge of the forest.

It got darker the further she looked in, but Alexandra was more concerned than scared as she heard the boy's cry floating through the trees again. She looked back towards the house, debating on whether or not she should just go back into the house or if she should go check to see if the boy was okay. She bit her lip and went inside, determined to find the owner of the voice. She strained her ears against the snapping of twigs under her feet and pushed past the tree branches that scratched her arms and face. After a few feet, a shiver ran up her spine and her hands shook uncontrollably. She wound her clammy hands in her skirt, trying to calm them down, not wanting to give up her quest on finding the child. As the voice became more distant, Alexandra ran, trying to pinpoint the voice until it suddenly evaporated into thin air. She started to breathe heavily and looked around, with a sinking feeling in her chest. The pine trees all looked the same to her, the paths between them identical.
She took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of the fresh air and pine trees, trying to calm herself down. She couldn’t see much past a couple of trees in front of her; it had gotten much darker since the time she had entered the woods.

Suddenly, she heard the boy’s wail right above of her in the trees. She looked up, desperately searching for him. The boy cried out again, but Alexandra could tell something was off about it. The cry quickly turned into an incredibly unbearable high-pitched shriek, forcing her to cover her ears. As soon as the shrieking began, it ended, turning into an evil roar of laughter, full of cunning and torture. She could smell right away the rotten flesh and blood, complete with body odor not even imaginable. She looked up and saw a shadowy winged figure falling fast right above her, the faint moonlight glinting slightly off its silver feathers. As it cackled its delight, she screamed and ran. Her heart beat hard and fast in her chest, her breathing shallow and heavy, her palms sweaty. She roughly pushed away tree branches as they scratched her palms and pulled at her hair.

"Yes!" the Steelback screeched, its voice like nails on a chalkboard. "Make that wonderful sound, that way it will be more of a pleasure eating you!"

Alexandra ran for her life, ignoring the branches that scratched up her entire body and the searing pain in her lungs. She knew she wouldn’t be able to outrun it for long, so she reached down to get the dagger she kept hidden in her boot. She could smell its rancid, foul breath filling her nose as it caught up to her. Before she even had a chance to touch her dagger, she stumbled over a large tree root, her head slamming down onto the forest floor. She missed the Steelbacks claws by inches as it flew passed her; it swooped down low, coming back around for another attack. Ignoring the slight pain in her head, Alexandra shakily unsheathed her dagger as she struggled to get back to her feet.

“Stay down. Cover your head.”

Instantly she looked up and saw a shadowed figure looming in the darkness. The figure raised his hand and she could barely see his head tilt down.

“Cover your head.” He bellowed again. “Now!”

She did as she was told, shutting her eyes tight and trying to control her body so it would stop shaking so violently. She could feel blistering heat shoot across the top of her body, though not close enough for it to actually burn. Alexandra could hear the Steelback give one last bloodcurdling scream as its limp body fell to the ground with a sickening thud, its steel feathers scraping against one another. She slowly raised her head to look past her trembling arm at the body lying just inches away from her. She scrambled away from it, covering her nose and attempting to block out the stench while keeping a safe distance away in case it somehow came back to life. She couldn’t tell what gender it was, it was burnt so badly. Its neck was replaced with burnt fluff, and the rest of its body was exactly like giant bird with steel feathers.

As Alexandra looked towards where the man came from, she couldn't see anything from the smoke of burning flesh and the darkness combined. She rubbed her clammy palms on her dress, trying to stop shaking and calm down so she could think clearly. She sat leaning against a tree and took deep, shuddering breaths.

She jumped and screamed when she felt something touch her arm. Turning away from wherever the thing touched her, she swung the dagger wildly, hoping to hit something. Suddenly, she felt strong hands grip her wrists, forcing her down onto her back as someone sat on her stomach. As she started to scream again, he transferred one of her wrists to his other hand and covered her mouth, making sure not to cover her nose as well.

“Please don’t scream,” The man murmured soothingly. “I won’t hurt you. I promise. Do you promise not to scream?”

Alexandra slowly nodded, and the man let go of her mouth, getting off her stomach to help her sit up.
“Now, I’m just going to put your dagger over here, okay?” the man explained softly, reaching for Alexandras’ hand that had the weapon in it. She let him take her trembling hand, but was unable to release her grip from the dagger. He pried her fingers off slowly and threw the dagger to the side. As Alexandra massaged her sore fingers, the man gently tilted her head up with his hand so she was looking straight into his face. It was very difficult to see any of his features, however, since it was so dark.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

She hesitated. “…Yes, I think so.” she managed to croak.

“Good. Listen, what I’m about to do may be unnatural to you, but completely necessary.” the man explained. “Even so, I need you to stay calm. I need to make sure that you’re all right, that you haven’t majorly damaged anything. Are you ready?”

Alexandra nodded once more. The man adjusted himself so he was positioned directly in front of her, and he held up one of his hands. The man kept a firm grip on her arm with his other hand, but gave enough leeway that she could move around. When the man snapped his fingers, Alexandra’s eyes widened.

“How….how are you doing that?” She asked. The man’s thumb was ablaze; a small flame sat just above the nail, burning brightly.

He ran his free hand up and down Alexandra’s arms and legs, feeling her neck and jaw line. After a few minutes, he said, “I’ve done a full inspection on you, and you’re perfectly fine, aside from quite a number of scratches and bruises,” he ignored her question when she asked again. “Here, drink this. You’ll feel better.” The man gave her his animal skin canteen. Alexandra took it and looked inside. When she saw what seemed to be harmless water, she put it to her lips and drank. He stood, holding out his hand to Alexandra.

“You’re the Fire Element, aren’t you?” she asked, holding the canteen out to him when she was done.

The man hesitated. He extinguished the flame on his hand, causing it to become pitch black. “That’s enough questions for today, I think.”

Alexandra heard the grass under his feet move around when he knelt, feeling the heat radiate off of his body as he came closer. She dropped the canteen and backed away from him hastily, until her backside bumped into a nearby tree.

“What in the world—?” She gasped when his body pressed up against hers; could feel his muscles expand and contract under his tunic as he shifted. She opened her mouth to scream, but she couldn’t. Her mouth was numb; she could barely feel it. She was unable to fight back; her arms wouldn’t—couldn’t—function. They just hung there like dead things attached to her heavy body.
Last edited by C.J. Mustang on Tue Dec 23, 2008 4:47 am, edited 4 times in total.




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Here goes my critique. Key:
Red= comments
Bold= Words or sentences that I think would fit better (sometimes I simply delete words and put my bold words in their place and other times I strikethrough your words and write what I think should go there next to it in bold) depends what type of mood I'm in.
Okay, let's get this thing started !
C.J. Mustang wrote:Chapter 4

Alexandra awoke with a start. [s]She sat beside the house on a bench that faced the garden, a book in her lap.[/s] not really needed, better to keep going with the next sentence As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she shivered in the cool air. The sun barely peaked over the trees, marking the beginnings of night. She hadn't gotten much sleep for the past couple of days, [s]but not because of her vision of the Steelback[/s] The end of this sentence doesn't really fit. I know you want to tell your readers that she didn't have a nightmare/vision about steelback but instead take out this end and keep going with the next sentence .This vision had been different. It involved [s]wars and [/s]battles and bloodshed. [s]Although, the nightmare wasn't what caused her to awaken.[/s] She let go of her thoughts momentarily as a strange noise ripped through the oncoming night. It sounded almost like a little boy's cry for help. Leaving her book on the bench, she rose and walked over to the edge of the forest.

It got darker the further she looked in, but Alexandra was more curious than scared as she heard the boy's cry floating through the trees again. She bit her lip and went inside, determined to find the owner of the voice. Here is where you should be describing more. What does the forest look like? Do brambles scratch at her skin? Do owlls hoot and scare her? Talk about how she's feeling more here. After a few feet, a shiver ran up her spine and her hands shook uncontrollably. She wound her hands in her skirt, trying to calm them down, not wanting to give up her quest on finding the child. As the voice became more distant, Alexandra ran [s]to the voice[/s] trying to pinpoint the voice but [s]until it [/s]suddenly it evaporated into thin air. She was so intent on finding the owner of the voice, she had gotten herslef lost and forgot the way she had come. Again, too much telling. Have her look around, out of breath and then slowly have the feeling of being lost sink into her heart. Now she's alone in the middle of the woods, she should be scared. Don't tell the readers she's lost. Show us. She looked all around, but couldn't find the direction she had gone. The pine trees all looked the same to her, the paths between them identical.

She took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of the fresh air and pine trees, trying to calm herself down.

Suddenly, Alexandra heard another noise right above [s]top of [/s]her in the trees. The hairs raised on her arms as a piercing cackle, an evil laught echoed in her eardrums [s]turning into not a boy's cry for help, but an evil laugh, full of cunning and torture[/s]. the moon glinted slightly off of its silver feathers. I didn't know what exactly you were talking about here. She can see the owner of the voice? It seemed as if she could only hear it, not see it before. Clarify by showing us what's going on She could smell [s]right away the [/s]rotten flesh and blood, complete with body odor not even imaginable. She looked up and saw a shadowy winged figure falling fast right above her. As it cackled its delight, she screamed and ran, [s]suddenly very afraid for her life[/s]. SHOW SHOW SHOW! Have her heart pound, have her palms be sweaty, have her run blindly through the woods, tree branches pulling at her hair. She should be afraid for her life, we want to experience her fear

"Yes!" it screeched, its voice like nails on a chalkboard. "Make that wonderful sound, that way it will be more of a pleasure eating you!"

Alexandra could smell its rancid, foul breath [s]filling her nose[/s]. A glint from There's a word missing here, a glant from...what? the caught the corner of her eye as flames shot from Steelback's mouth I think that's what you were trying to say? . The brightness What brighteness? The moonlight? or were his wings just bright? Be specific shone on its steel feathers and she could barely see from the glare of them. Its twisted face filled with fear and pain as it gave one last bloodcurdling scream. She jumped out of the way as its limp body fell to the ground with a thud. She walked towards it, covering her nose and attempting to block out the stench while keeping a safe distance away in case it somehow came back to life. She could see that it was male, because of its face and chest were those of a mans. Its neck was replaced with white fluff, and the rest of its body was exactly like giant bird with steel feathers. I am so confused as to what happened here. Reread this and show us what happens. I figured out the brighteness was some kind of magic but other than that I got lost. Take it slower, it seemed too rushed and it hurt's the readers understanding.

As Alexandra looked towards where the fire came from, she couldn't see anything from the smoke of the burning flesh and the darkness combined. Alexandra rubbed her clammy palms on her dress, trying to stop shaking and calm down so she could think clearly.


Overall Comments/Suggestions:

Good job! You have a lot of great ideas here and the makings of a very interesting plot! Just a couple of suggestions below.

Writing:
Watch out for too much telling! I really want to be able to see what's going on. Now that doesn't mean describe every single detail but at least try and pull the reader into your world. You need more description, more emotion, and you need to slow down a little bit. Overall, your writing felt a little too rushed. Slowing down, relive her fear, have her escape be longer, talking about how she feels, what she sees, what she smells, what she hears more!

Character:
I really don't know a lot about her. You need to try and develop her more. Just from the escape scene I couldn't tell if her personality was brave and courageous or fearful and timid. You just say "suddenly she was frightened". Since she walked into the woods I think she would be outgoing but you really need to elaborate on that. Maybe at first she doesn't run and tries to battle the creature or you could take the exact opposite approach and have fear set into her heart and then she runs. But really, we need to be able to believe that walking into the forest looking for the source of a boy crying for help is something that she would do and then run away. Just be more careful about that.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me (I know my critiques can get a little confusing). Overall, well done! Keep up the good work!



I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25