Can It Be?

He was here, in this class. My breath became quick and short as he gracefully sat beside me. I smiled as his beautiful green eyes locked on mine. He smiled as a lock of his straight black hair fell from his forehead. He swept it back and turned to face the front. My heart was racing on a road that never ended. My fingers fumbled for my pen, and I began to write as the professor talked. My mind was full of thoughts. Full of a picture of me and him holding eachother and feeling his lips on mine. He doesn't know that I love him, he does not know. All I can do is dream, Alan, dream of Alan. But, something is different. Can it be? I see Alan's hand slide closer to mine, just barely touching. I am shaking all over as I watch his tanned hand. I glance up and see him and his beautiful eyes, a smile on his oval face. I smile and quickly go back to my paper. Could this really be happening? No, there's no way, I am just imagining it. Suddenly Alan's hand moves and he holds my hand completely. My heart stops and I fix my eyes upon this incredible sight. His hand was warm on mine. I jump as I hear the bell ring for the end of class. I swiftly get up and head out, my hand slipping away from his. He follows me out and when we are finally alone he calls my name.
"Sady.." he calls in his deep voice. I stop and turn around to face the man I love. He takes my hand once more and pulls me toward him. I'm swept up into my dream as he kisses me, my emotions swarming and my heart about to explode. Can it be?

Hey, [aka] eliza! Welcome!

This is a nice piece of writing. A bit short, a bit blunt, but I like it. Probably because I can totally relate to the character. Hee hee. Anywhoo, I think this piece could do with a bit more background info, you know what I mean? Like... how long has she know Alan? How long has she loved him? What's Alan like, besides gorgeous? What's his personality, what specfic, random things does you main character love about him? Things like that. It would definitely do some good to this very brief passage.

Toodles!
Holly

wow even though it short it really moving. it would be nice to have more imformation on Alan and Sady. But if not it really good. your lucky i realy can't do short story mine have to long.
keep up the good work

I really don't like the name of Alan for the character. I don't know, your description of him and their age didn't make me feel like that was his name. Of course, it's your choice.

This was pretty good. I think you captured the character's feelings in a kind of "inside her head" approach by using questions. I was sure jealous of Sady.

One last thing--watch out for cliche phrases. I guess your piece wasn't that bad in that area, but you have a few. Just try to think of new arrangements of words and use words not typically used. (I think it's pretty easy to go for cliched phrases in romantic fiction.)

I find this really cute and heartwarming (especially the end!), so good job on that. Overall, I really respect the fast-paced events and thoughts you intertwine into such a brief scene--most of my respect going to the fact that you pulled this off fairly well. I'm used to reading scenes like this where the protagonist's thoughts are drawn out more so than what you did, but regardless, I don't think I necessarily find anything wrong with that either.

Full of a picture of me and him holding eachother and feeling his lips on mine.

Replace "me and him" with "us," and consider separating everything after "each other" (which should be spelled as so) into another sentence since you're focusing on the sense of sight in the beginning with the picture and not touch.

He doesn't know that I love him...

Pretty much after this point until the end, you switch from past-tense to present-tense. Be careful about that--the tenses be a trap that the greatest of writers fall into (ominous music). For the sentence above, I suggest changing "doesn't" to "didn't" and "love" to "loved."

I see Alan's hand slide closer to mine, just barely touching. I am shaking all over as I watch his tanned hand.

If Alan's hand is getting closer, it shouldn't already be at the point of touching. I suggest solving this issue by addressing another slight problem: The consecutive repeat of "hand" as the object in the sentence is very monotonous. Perhaps you should change "watched his tanned hand." to "watched his tan skin barely touch mine." Basically, you'd do some sentence transplanting. Of course you could alter "touch mine" with descriptions based on how Sady feels about her own skin (maybe it's pale or clammy--le gasp!)

You repeat the word "smile" a lot which can get a bit annoying to read. Try replacing them with synonyms.

Thank you for writing and submitting this. I wish you the best of luck!

If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask!

this falls under the 'adorable but kinda cliché' category, i love it!!!!

haha, but here's some grammar stuff:

He was here, in this class. My breath became quick and short as he gracefully sat beside me sat down gracefully next to me might be a better phrasing, but it's up to you. I smiled as his beautiful green eyes locked on mine. He smiled you just said that she smiled, so can he 'grin' or something? or you can have him 'return the smile' as a lock of his straight black hair fell from his forehead. He swept it back and turned to face the front of the room. My heart was racing quickly down, if you take out the 'on' [b] a road that never ended. [b]new pp? (easier to read)

My fingers fumbled for my pen, and I began to write as the professor talked. My mind was full of thoughts. Full of a picture of me and him holding eachother should be 'each other', two words and feeling his lips on mine. He doesn't know that I love him, he does not know i think it's a bit odd that you use 'didn't' first, and then switch to 'does not', stay consistent with your contractions, it's easier to read.... All I can do is dream, Alan, dream of Alan. But, something is different. Can it be? I look down to my right/left and see Alan's hand slide sliding? closer to mine, until they are just barely touching. I am shaking all over as I watch his tanned hand. I glance up into his faceand see him and his beautiful eyes, a smile on his oval face. I smile again and quickly go back maybe 'return'? it's more poetic-sounding to my paper. optional new paragraph here

Could this really be happening to me? No, there's no way maybe 'No. There's no way., I am so are you going to use contractions the whole way through? just imagining it. Suddenly Alan's hand moves again and he holds my hand completely maybe a better word, gently? firmly?. My heart stops and as? I fix my eyes upon this incredible sight. His hand was warm and soft? tee hee heeon mine. I jump as I hear the bell ring for maybe 'to signal' the end of class. I swiftly get up and head rush?out, my hand slipping away from his. He follows me out and when we are finally alone he calls my name.

"Sady.." he calls to me in his deep voice. I stop and turn around to face the man or boy?man I love. He takes my hand once more and pulls me toward him. I'm swept up into my dream as he kisses me, my emotions swarming sounds like a bunch of insects... maybe swelling? and my heart about to explode. Can it be?

Awwww. Yeah, it was one of those pieces that just makes you go *squee*. Nice stuff.

But the writer in me must engage. This was really short. It was really nice, but really short. We don't know anything about the main character but what is in her head. Did she know Alan before this, as a friend. Or was it just a "crushing on him from a distance while he did the same and suddenly they both realize that they were made for oneanother" scenario? What is their history?

Yeah, that's my inner editor. The outer me says "kyute... so kyute" and leaves it at that.

Very nice. Everyone else seems to have caught editing and whatnot, so I won't repeat that. I liked it.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

.......sigh.......

I loved it!!!! I really feel like you captured a moment that enthralls the reader the most. Emotion is a hard thing to just write, and what you've expressed it pretty poetic.

I think my favorite line was:

Quote: My heart was racing on a road that never ended.

The major thing I might suggest is playing around with the flow a little bit. Try to make it smoother and work on transitioning a bit. Perhaps you could put more detail into it as well, that would remedy the bluntness of it.

Great job, Keep writing!!!

haha very nice..I liked the shortness of this..it was an easy read that was enjoyable. I felt like I could relate to the character in a way like I daydream about lots of guys..but nothing ever happens which makes me jelous lol..just kidding...I couldn't be jelous of a fictional character..
Also I didn't really picture his name as being Alan either I mean it is totally up to you I just think Alan sounds like old and dorky I'm not trying to dis the name or anything I just didn't think he would have that name. It's kind of funny though, when I read it I tried to pronounce it All-On, in my head to try and make it sound exoctic by accident and then realized it was Alan and felt really stupid.
But yes this was good...sorry I can't offer more..maybe space that first paragraph a bit it is kind of long and I lost my spot a few times..Keep writing
Let me know if I can service you in any other way lol
-Rory Legend

I absolutely love this! I guess because it relates to me in a certain situation...*Thinks to herself if only it could be!*

I really like the situation you've presented here and how it all turns out. As something short and quick it leaves the reader with a huge impact. However think how that impact will be if you go and write a story before? Maybe Sady pining for him until they actually do fall in love. Maybe this could be a dream, and she wakes up wishing it were true. And then she sees him at a party and---


Whoops! That's a bit of what I* would do!


You've got great potential, take advantage and expand this into something great.

Very sweet.
I agree with everybody that you could expand on this; maybe you could change it into a series of short stories? But not only that--this part can be made longer. To make it seem more real, you can add sensory detail, like: what the classroom looks like, what the teacher looks like, what the other students are doing, what subject they're studying, maybe even what her notebook looks like. Has she doodled in it? What is her handwriting like? Okay, maybe that's a little obsessive, but you get the idea.
Also, I don't think you need to say "can it be" in the story. Just leave it as the title.
Please write more! Your characters are already intriguing, even though I only met them two paragraphs ago. I want to know everything about them. Please PM me if you write more.
Good job, keep writing!

This piece of writing has got potential. It says so much in so little words.

Only, you might want to expand bits of it. Maybe, add some past memories of Sady.

I liked the ending though, vague but interesting. Leaves a whole lot to the readers' imagination. Good.

Wouldn't this sentence make more sense without the comma? I can't get its structure.

All I can do is dream, Alan, dream of Alan

Hey whats up? Well I am new on here. My Name is Fidelina but you can call me Lina. Well back to the subject. . Well I absolutely loved this piece it sort of reminds me of me and someone . It is so romantic. Well nice work and keep it up. =)

this was good. it was a bit short but it was interesting. however, i would suggest that you split it into more paragraghs, it will make it much easier on the reader.

But, this was still really good. Keep up the good work.

So this wasn't much of a piece for character development, but it you did well with expressing feelings. Sady's anxiety and feelings towards Alan were nicely expressed, but I really would have liked to know more of what Alan was thinking and feeling. Why did he so suddenly decide to act on his feelings? Did he know how he felt for Sady the day before? Why did this happen where is it going?

You should develop and expand on this story more. It is worth the attention.