Bitter Sweet- Prologue and Chapter One

Hey again Bittersweet! *waves*

Good hook. Dust is an interesting take. Yet for some reason I’m imagining sawdust. XD *slaps self with a large fish*

My eyes swiftly shifted back to the flesh-colored dust.

I’m not totally in love with the presence of “swiftly” there. It just seems awkward to me.

Interesting prologue -- like I said, a really good hook. It’s the sheer “what’s going on?” aspect of it that’s making it intriguing.

I tried to picture myself with purple streaks, green streaks, and fargle-bargle for all I cared. Then I got distracted trying to figure out what “fargle-bargle” was and what it would look like if it were an actual color.

Lol! Love the humour in here. Great characterization.

She was quite pretty, with her long auburn hair, soft green eyes and small, round nose.

This bit of description slows your story down a bit. Is it necessary to include it here and now? Try including it when the actual character herself is introduced.

Then there was Jeff, who was eighteen, my brother Alec, who was seventeen, Kevin, thirteen and Jeremy, twelve. I came in between Alec and Kevin at the age of fifteen. Mom and Dad… would rather me not say their ages.

Are their ages entirely necessary? If they do nothing to advance the story, I’d get rid of them. Trim the fat and whatnot.

My step mom and my dad had been divorced for a while when my dad married my real mom. When my mother died, they remarried.
My birth mom died when I was four. She had some terrible illness and wasn’t expected to live. I don’t remember much of her, only that she gave me my every genetics. Ugh.
Talk of her was a forbidden subject at the table. Apparently, her and my dad’s relationship was on line even before she died. My dad wanted to put me up for adoption, because I would never fit in with the family, because I wasn’t his child. I tried to keep the thought free from my mind that my father still felt this way. It was a hard thing to endure, especially because he was my only father that I remembered, and I loved him. The thought of him not caring for me in the daughterly way I desperately wished for nearly ripped my heart in two, though if he didn’t love me, he didn’t show it at all. He was my dad, and it had always that way.

Again, if it does nothing to advance the story, nix it. Don’t play the pity card this early on. Bring it up when it matters -- say, for example, if another character brings it up.

“Kenny, please chew your food,” Valerie pleaded dad.

You can get rid of “Dad” at the end here, but if you don’t, capitalise it. When you’re using “Dad” as his name rather than a pronoun -- I.e., my dad -- it’s capital. You do that a couple times, so keep an eye out for it.

Then I started to come up with the most irrational explanations; I was a physic that could tell when something was wrong when this reaction occurred?

Physic = psychic

I put on some white foundation around my eyes to hide the dark shadows, thankful that I was somehow immune to zits so I didn’t have to make myself look any whiter. I’ve never had a single zit in my fifteen years.

Ahem. Unless there’s some freaky fantasy-esque reason for this, I’d get rid of it. Don’t turn your character into a perfect little Mary-Sue.

“Yeah?” He replied after swallowing a gulp of Smorz Cereal.

You have an advertising deal or something? The name of the cereal isn’t entirely necessary.

“The BUS? You’re going to ride the bus home?!?”

Ouch. The whole multiple-exclamation point thing is obnoxious and amateurish. The sentence itself should express the exclamation. Also, the all-caps is obnoxious and amateurish as well.

Ooh, weirdo cliffhanger ending. An interesting beginning. Definitely leads the reader on and makes them wonder where the story's going. Good start. Nicely written, with a couple bumps in the road that shouldn't be too hard to smooth out.

Keep it up. ^^

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Fantastic! As always. I forgot how long chapter one was. Wow . I still have to finish the whole story though. I can't wait to see how it ends!

-waves at Saint Razorblade, but feels just slightly awkward about the violence with the fish- xD
-waves at Amblur' enthusiastically but stops midwave to eye twitch-

Anywhoo, I would like to clear a few things up...

First... I feel really really stupid about the 'physic' thing... -blushes-
Second; there actually is some fantasy-esque reason to the whole 'zit' thing. But I do agree that it can be taken out.
Third; I really love Smorz cereal. I mean... I could LIVE on that stuff. xD

And, er, nooo I'm not doing this just so I can get some more review points... lol. (dreams of The Lounge.)

Bittersweet ,

Sorry, sorry, sorry for me taking so long to critique this, especially since I read it ages ago. Or rather, I did review it earlier (a few days ago), but on a different computer, and never ended up posting it… A lot of good that did. But, your crit…



Quote:
It was an odd thing crying over a pile of dust.
As an into sentence, it’s theoretically fine. It’s interesting, grabs the reader’s attention and etc., and generally I like it, but that does not negate the awkward feeling that comes with all the pros. Consider slightly rephrasing?


Quotes:
But his eyes tricked me.
I don’t think “tricked” is the best word.


Quote:
They seemed troubled, pondering, but yet, pleased.
“but yet” - awkwardness alert.


Quote:
I’d seen this once before.
I’d get rid of that “once” - it isn’t really needed there, and just slows down the story.


Quote:
I let the tears fall freely all over the already damp dirt. I waited a moment, and then glanced back up to the unreadable face.
From emotion to “I waited a moment”, which is anything but. It goes from teary to, well, an emotionally deprived narrative (“I waited a moment”). That transition should be smoother.


Quote:
I tried to picture myself different in any way
Consider substituting this with something else, as you have that expression a bit above.


Quote:
Different nose, different face, PLEASE, why won’t you work?
I’d rather see than in minors and italics.


Quote:
The paper, of course, referred to my skin. My skin may have well of been paper.
Merge those two together, and get rid of the “my”.


Quote:
It was a light shade of ivory, nearing the color of gray.
I don’t know about “ivory”. Isn’t that used with more favorable descriptions?


Quote:
It more delicate and sliced easily, more easily than most people. But I was the complete opposite of most people.
First sentence? Reread. Second - that would call for more elaboration that just what comes after.


Quote:
I blinked from the change of light, like looking at the brightness of a sidewalk on a sunny day after leaving your dim-lit house.
Awkward phrasing.


Quote:
“Hey, um, Mae… do you know Katrina Parkston?” He asked, his blue eyes looking down in embarrassment.
Minor “he”.


Quote:
Do you want to go out with her or something?” I retorted.
I don’t know, and am not too sure, but a retort there? Seems out of place.


Quote:
Since Valerie had never wanted me to paint over the white walls, I covered every inch with huge posters to tiny cutouts.
Wouldn’t it be more appropriate of her to do so if Velerie had indeed wanted that of her?


Quote:
I’d lost guard around dinner time, finally deciding that nothing was going to happen.
Expression used above; repetition doesn’t work too well.


Quote:
There was my dad, whose blonde head was slowly graying and his blue eyes losing their youth, and my step mom who also had blonde hair and blue eyes.
Cut “his”. Comma after “mom”.


Quote:
Then there was Jeff my brother Alec, Kevin, and Jeremy.
?


Quote:
He told me she would disappear for a few days and Dad would worry she’d been kidnapped, but she would always come back and say with honest eyes and apologetic smile. “Sorry for leaving, honey. I just needed a break.”
Comma before dialogue sentence. I’d cut the honest eyes - it’d look better without it, and then perhaps place it somewhere else.


Quote:
The table talk began after everyone had shoveled mashed potatoes and chicken squares--a recipe my dad had found on the internet months back that resembled a tiny, square pillow with chicken mush instead of cotton inside--onto our plates.
I’d just split that into two separate sentences, since that interference is very, very long.


Quote:
“Ground up chicken and cream cheese.” My dad replied.
Comma before ending quote, and minors.


Quote:
I was so frustrated, trying to figure out what was wrong with me but only coming up with one rational explanation; I truly was crazy. The rest of my possibilities I ruled out angrily; had a fever?
Semicolon spree unneeded. Rephrase the question.


Quote:
The chicken square had made me sick?
“Had” at the beginning, I’d say, and same goes to the next question.


Quote:
Then I started to come up with the most irrational explanations; I was a psychic that could tell when something was wrong when this reaction occurred?
Semicolon doesn’t work there. A colon could, though I’d still go for a period. Also, the phrasing is against the question mark.


Quote:
“Hey, Jeff?” I asked my brother who was eating cereal in the dining room.
Comma before “who”.


Quote:
“I did, I did, but still… just don’t tell her I gave her the number, kay?”
‘kay.


Quote:
I wondered for the umpteenth time why I had such the ability to lie with my expressions silently while I ate my breakfast.
Er. Rephrase.


Quote:
I knew this had been an utter mistake to come.
Perhaps add “now”?


Line by line done. Now to the hopefully more interesting stuff.



CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

-> Italics. Nuh uh. Laziness is not good (never mind who is typing the words, heh). Visuals are (pathetically) sometimes as important as content, and if not only the second can (has to be) tweaked, then take advantage of the situation and do so to both components.

-> Reactions. The ones that characterize characters. Make them stand out by them, make me care about them. Reactions are very closely related to character development. The MC’s ones are fine, I’m talking more about Jeff. There are multiple scenes with him, and I’d like to see him more developed. Different than the grey crowd (e.g. the rest of the brothers). Valerie pleading - add a comment to that part?

-> Pronouns. Watch out for them, because they are tricky little beasts, and tend to volunteer for almost any. The writer hires them, usually not even aware of what he or she is doing, and before you know it, so many sentences start with them that the fact starts to stand out. You can refer this to Show Not Tell and stands out mostly at the beginning.

-> The questions that I quoted so much. The ones before the “list”. I really don’t like their phrasing, though yes, that might be nitpicky Esme.

-> MC’s difference from other people. That, I feel, needs to be more emphasized especially at the beginning.

-> Emotion-transition in the prologue, which was already remarked upon. That, and the fact that I want to see more of the emotion there ^_^

-> Bus? Why not bus? She’s fifteen… o.o

-> Dialogue punctuation. Watch out when writing dialogues.

-> Fragments:

- That emotion-transition in the prologue, for one thing. I’d also like you to linger a bit more on the pile of dust. It seems important, but you almost immediately switch back to the man.

- First paragraph of Ch 1. There’s just too much of picturing and imagining, and while yes, that is essential, why not rephrase some of those sentences? I suppose some cuts would have to go with it, buy I’m still for doing the mentioned. Last two sentences you definitely have to keep, though.

- The dear-my-something-is-going-to-happen. The anxiousness for no apparent reason. Elaborate, there. Show us that worry, that uneasiness. Show us her feeling toward it. Whatever you do, don’t just leave it that she is worried, and then move on. (I’m talking of the very, very beginning - later on, after the lunch scene, it’s fine. There‘s speculation, etc.).


WONDERFUL!

-> Dad’s cooking and his children’s reactions to it. Very funny.

-> Descriptions. I absolutely loved those ^_^

-> MC’s reactions and comments to how she is feeling.

-> The whole piece is interesting, well-written, and let’s just say that I typed all that cliché that applies, heh. Most deserved!

-> Fantastic ending.

-> Everything that I didn’t mention in the “Careful, Careful” section. You might notice that this one is shorter, but that is only because everything that was not mentioned there goes here ^_^. I very much liked your piece, and will be reading the next installments.


Well, that is all. Again, sorry for the wait. Sorry, sorry, sorry… If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, as I will if suddenly, in the middle of the night, I think of something. And yes, I do that.

Cheers,
Esme

Hey Holly,

As promised in chat, here's the first review. I really enjoyed reading that, and am definetly going to go review the next chapters (once I've reviewed some work of others I promised to do, so I'll probably have the next review up tonight)

I LOVED the way you have the kids sit at the dinner table, all disgusted XD hee hee ! It's hilarious

I also LOVED the ending of the story!

And, well, basically it's really good, overall!

So, I hope the review helps you, and don't hesitate to PM me for anything.



XxxDo

Hey, Holly! I printed this out and made some marks on it. I didn't find very many errors, which is good for you.

It was an odd thing crying over a pile of dust.

Hmm... how about, "It was an odd thing to cry over a pile of dust."

They seemed troubled, pondering, but yet, pleased.

But and yet mean the same thing. I would take out 'but' because 'yet' sounds more natural.

I let the tears fall freely all over the already damp dirt.

I don't like 'all over'. How about get rid of the 'all'?

Then I got distracted trying to figure out what “fargle-bargle” was and what it would look like if it were an actual color.

XD

Jeff looked pleased. “Great.”

I don't like this. I think you should expand on his embarrassment.

the whole house was white, because my step mom—Valerie—didn’t like color, and I always hated it.

This is saying that Mae also hates color. But she doesn't. Rephrase.

Or maybe I really was just crazy…

You said that Mae was sure she wasn't crazy, and I'm sure this crazy doesn't mean the same thing. Um... yeah. Did that make sense?

I was a psychic that could tell when something was wrong when this reaction occurred?

Huh?

“Yeah?” He replied after swallowing a gulp of cereal.

He = he.

OVERALL

Are you sure you're 13? Really? I think you're fibbin'. This was extraordinary. Seriously. You're a fantastic author! I wish I could write like you.

As Razor said, I like the prologue because it's like, "What's going on?" Yeah.

The chapter, I love, because you bring out Mae's personality so clearly that it's impossible not to like her.

Ah, crap. I have to get going. All in all, this was wonderful. I'll read the next one soon.

-Jared

Hey Holly!

I know I am just going to read more out of this fantastic story! But for now, I have to finish up a few things (darn chores )


I was literally just hyponitzed by every word of this story. I found the descriptions so real, and I absolutely love mae, she seem to be the one with insecuritys, but you still made her extremely realistic and life like by the way she talks and goes for the teenage things like going to the mall.

It is so interesting, I also am facinated by the fact you put feeling a person would really have in here, like her uncomfort in the mall, i feeling i had the exact same way before. (but im not phychic, lol i wish!)

I am putting this in my favorites! It is like a real book, and I woulden't be surprised if it was published! Awesome job, and thanks for the great read! I'll definetly cling onto the other chapters later!

-Curly

i liked the prologue. it was different, and caught my attention.

Jeff looked obviously, but he squirmed awkwardly.

i don't really get what his reaction was. i just got a little confused. but i liked the bit of conversation before this. it seemed very teenagery in a good way, and it showed the relationship between her and Jeff.

Inside, I suddenly felt strange. I mulled around, pacing, occasionally sitting down at my desk to doodle. Then I’d get up abruptly, feeling as though something was wrong. I had no reason to be this anxious…

this is really realistic, i think, because this has happened to me before something bad has happened. that might be a little weird, but i liked how this was put in. kinda like a spidey sense. lol.

I looked around at everyone. Jeff was the most immune to dad’s cooking, so he ate gratefully. Alec looked slightly green, and nothing on his plate had been touched. Kevin was making his mush into more mush, but not eating it, and Jeremy, the poor kid, looked ready to throw up, having eaten almost his entire chicken square in his haste.

i reallllyyyy like this part. it shows the different personalities of her brothers, and quirks like bad cooking are good to add in.

“The bus? You’re going to ride the bus home?” he said in an are-you-insane voice. “No way, Mae. Absolutely, no way. You call me when you need to come home and if I find out that you’ve taken the bus back here, then I’ll tell Dad, and Dad will kill you,”

does this have to do with why her dad was worried about her mom being kidnapped?

Holly-
Like I said in our messages, I promised I'd read this. Because you gave a very descriptive summary.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Prologue confused me a little. 'Cause I really wanted to know what the pile of dust was and who that guy was. And, um, why did he kiss her? Or lightly brushed his lips with hers.

There are two things I have in common with Mae. The band posters and converse shoes. But not red, just green/orange/ and funky purple/pink. I felt it was kind of cool that I got to relate to her like that in small ways.

So is Mae psychic or what? In the beginning I thought she was a metamorphosis. With the whole facial appearance going on. I hope Mae feels better, when she was going back to her room after dinner. Like, what's wrong with her?

And the last part was a cliffhanger. Which I'm totally bumbed out. I NEED to read on. This was so good and very strange...

Off I go.
-Merry

Locked by author request.

Teague
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