Sinking

I had such issues with this poem. It is very difficult to write about this topic without falling into clichés and I know there are places that I haven't managed to avoid it, but I really wanted to try and write this poem. Any suggestions for a title would be welcomed too as I've been completely unable to think of one.


As if I’m standing on a cliff top,
staring at the sea below,
my body quakes pathetically.
My weakness is my foe.
Hostile waves attack the coast,
anaesthetising me,
a girl reduced to grains of sand
that sink beside the sea.
The sharp rocks would be no match for
the hardness of your eyes;
the stone would crumble just like me,
despite its strong disguise.
I search these shells for residue
of sentiment inside,
using flawed eyes filled with sorrow
and salt water from the tide.
The rocks collapse into the sea.
The sand’s swept from the shore.
The cold tide ebbs away and leaves
no numbness anymore.
Gradually, raw emptiness
aches where my heart should be,
since when those waters drew away
they took their part of me.

Hey, so I can see from your poem that you did indeed have some problems. However you persevered and tried to write it, and it showed. It almost had a double meaning for me, aswell as the speaker losing love the writer is losing their skill (at least temporarily) or 'drive' to keep writing the poem. I always think the best way out of writer's block is through.

The main problems I could see where:

1. Telling.
This was all too repetitive, done before, and left the reader little room to make up their own mind about the feelings or situation. It also occurred to me that this piece might be more at home in the narrative poetry section; although the image of a speaker standing on a cliff edge is quite dramatic, though a major cliche in itself. It's good you realized that though. It will make editing easier.
The remedy for this? I would suggest that you read 'Break, Break, Break' by Lord Alfred Tennyson. Although it's not strictly about lost love, it is about loss and hopelessness.

2. Imagery.
Once again, it's just not strong enough. Don't get me wrong, this is an engaging piece, but it lacks any surprsing or unique language. Work on this.

3. Length
You're gonna hate me. Chop it in half. This will make it more dramatic.

Hope this helps,

Eimear

I think Eimear pointed out everything I was gonna cover...

As for a title..uh, well, I can't specifically give you any suggestions. That would rob you of that pleasure. I can tell you, however, that in my experience trying to create titles I often take the message of whatever I wrote (If there was one) and either pick out a word that associates with that or something. The same thing can be done with a poem that doesn't have a message either...I've had plenty of those as well.

Hi, thank you both for your reviews.

Of course I don't hate you over the advice to chop it in half! There were definitely some superfluous sections when I was being ruthless, although admittedly some verses I didn't like to lose. Edited this first time to deal with the length issue and hopefully some of the telling as a result. I've kept the cliff top image for now to be able to use the extended metaphor but I'm still thinking about new ways to begin the poem.

I knew I'd pick the wrong section to post this in! I'd had a read through the descriptions of each type of poetry, choosing dramatic because of the single character speaking to the audience. But it does sort of tell a story. I'll ask a moderator if they would be able to move this.

Thanks again!

I'm going to critique this four lines at a time...

As if I’m standing on a cliff top,

staring at the sea below,

my body quakes pathetically. [Try saying this out loud, forgetting about the rhyme and the rhythm and you'll see that it doesn't really make sense. It may sound nice and flow nice but there's not enough substance to it. Also, if you're going to write a structured poem, you need to try and stick closely to a regular rhythm. I'd suggest using the common metre (8,6,8,6) because most of your stanzas fit that anyway.]

My weakness is my foe. [I think this line needs changing completely. What does is actually say? That her weakness is her foe? Well of course it is but that adds nothing to the narrative, it doesn't tell the reader anything.]

I'd suggest something like:

'As if I stand upon a cliff,
above a churning sea,
I lack control of legs and arms:
they quake pathetically.'

Hostile waves attack the coast,

anaesthetising me,

a girl reduced to grains of sand

that sink beside the sea. [The last two lines of this stanza are good but the first two need a little work. The first line needs to be a syllable longer, I'd suggest adding a 'the' at the beginning and maybe changing 'the coast' to 'my coast' would make it more effective? Then for the second line, anaesthetising is too long a word to fit with your style so I'd suggest you replace that line.]

__________________________________

I could go through the entire poem, looking at your rhythm and choice of words but to be honest, I'm starting to think that this would work better in free verse. A lot of your lines don't feel right because they've been twisted to fit your rhyme scheme and I think your poem would be much stronger if you used more imagery which is often difficult in a structured poem.

If you'd like me to finish going through it as I was, pm me and I'll edit suggestions for the other stanzas into this post but I think that rather than looking to edit this poem, you should experiment with free verse.

Make two lists, one of what you want to keep or add and one of what you want to discard. I think you should look deeper into the narration behind this, tell your reader more about who your persona is and what has happened to him/ her to cause them to feel this way.

If you have any questions, feel free to pm me. I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

I liked this poem. I liked the message. The rythmn was great. The imagry was beautiful. I think there is nothing worng with it my favorate parts:

The sharp rocks would be no match for

the hardness of your eyes;

the stone would crumble just like me,

despite its strong disguise.

I love the comparison to rocks to the look of someones eyes

Gradually, raw emptiness

aches where my heart should be,

since when those waters drew away

they took their part of me.

This ending was great. It just sticked it! (like in gymnatics). It didn't leave you hanging it wrapped up the message.
Overall a good job.