The Duty, Chapter 3 {Being Edited}

Revising. Will be up soon.

It looks like you have a great plot going on here!

This was really good! I loved it!

I didn't spot any spelling or gramatical errors.

I cannot wait for the next chapter!

Paw

I just read chapters one and two and I think this is really an amazing story so far. Your a great author and I look forward to the next chapters. I have a few suggestions to make:

“I can’t…it’s so strange. It’s like a barrier or something. I can’t get my hand within a foot of it. Like an invisible wall,” he screwed up his eyes in concentration trying to pick it up. I looked down watching as he hand kept being pushed back by an invisible wall.

I recommend: I looked down watching as he struggled to touch the gem. or something similar. Saying "invisible wall" again is a bit repetitive and you said he instead of his.

“Just follow me,” I said and set off into the woods in front of us. Merlyn sighed and followed, his shoes snapping the twigs that covered the forest floor. The sun peeked at us from above the canopy of leaves sending golden rays across the path. The speckled sunlight danced across the floor and with lack of better options or ideas I decided to follow the light. If Merlyn ever knew that I was chasing the sunrays he would have put me in a mental hospital right then and there. Funny thing is that with his teleportation skills, he literally could have.

I don't know the setting exactly, but I just want to make sure there are mental hospitals in the time period. I get the whole "medieval" vibe, and although I realize there is a factory that they went at, it is still just a bit confusing.

So yeah, as I said, this looks like its going to be a great story and I want to read more. Keep it up.

Again, I am copy/pasting.

I'm so sorry Scasha, that it took me so long to get to this.

I hope this all has been helping you!

Well, here is my review

“This is useless,” I cried out slamming the jewel down against the rock I was sitting on. Merlyn and I had decided to get out of the stuffy old warehouse and sit by the Jove River, a long calm waterway that ran through all of Brita.

Merlyn looked over at me, a wary expression written across his face. “Melody, really, we’ll figure something out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out,” I said. “The thing won’t work. We’ve been sitting here doing nothing for three weeks. We haven’t seen any of the order members since the accident and the townspeople are becoming suspicious of us!”

Merlyn hesitated before continuing, “Look, Melody, I know it’s not the best time to bring this up but…”

“But what? Huh? We have so much of nothing to do that you could bring anything up and this would be the ideal time to talk about it. Spit it out,” I gazed at him with my piercing green eyes and I saw his reserve crack.

He reached into his backpack and pulled out a picture. On the front of the paper were imprints of both our faces in black. “What does it say?” I asked, snatching the paper out of his hand.

“The authorities are looking for us. They think we have something to do with the fire. Melody,” his voice dropped to a whisper before he continued. “We have to leave.”

I continued to stare at the paper. I didn’t want to leave. What if the order was still here? I didn’t know what to do. Merlyn looked up at me, expecting me to think of a plan and [change "and" to "but"] all I could do was be frustrated at the gem. I took the necklace and threw it with all my might into the river. The gem floated for a moment then sunk to the shallow, sandy depths.

“What are you doing?” Merlyn shrieked, jumping to his feet.

“I don’t know Merlyn. I don’t. [add "know" after "don't". It doesn't make sense if you just leave it as it is now] You think up something to do,” I yelled at him, sinking down into a heap on the stone.

Merlyn was silent. He stood by the river and rolled up his pant legs. “We have to get out of here either way, Melody.” He strode into the water.

I sighed, frustrated. I knew he was right. I let my temper cool and then stood up, following his lead. He stood over the water, looking down into the depths. He kept putting his hand in and then withdrawing it abruptly. “If you’re going to pick up the damn thing, do it already,” I said hotly.

“I can’t…it’s so strange. It’s like a barrier or something. I can’t get my hand within a foot of it. Like an invisible wall,” he screwed up his eyes in concentration [comma] trying to pick it up. I looked down [comma] watching as he hand kept being pushed back by an invisible wall.

“Let me try,” I said. I reached down and picked up the stone with ease.

“But…” he began, but I held up my hand to stop his explanation. Something inside the jewel had caught my eye and I studied it closer.

“There’s an image inside it,” I brought my nose until it was within an inch of the gem’s surface. The shape of a large mountain was imbedded on inside of it. It was engraved into the material, three words written under the mountains. I looked back up at my surroundings. There were no mountains in Brita, just rolling hills and grassy plains. This was different. It was covered with trees.

I showed the gem to Merlyn. “See the mountains?”

Merlyn furrowed his brow, “No, I just see straight through it to the ground.”

I looked back down at it. The mountains were still there. That was strange.

I could only see them. “If I describe them to you, can you take us there,” I asked.

Merlyn nodded, “Just be detailed so I can picture it.”

I described every last aspect of the picture, Merlyn’s hand clamped around my arm. He kept his eyes closed. When I finished, suddenly we were gone from Brita.

Moments later [comma] I felt prickly ground beneath my feet and I opened my eyes. I turned and saw Merlyn beside me. His eyes widened and I looked up to see a massive tree towering above us. A tree! I had never seen one before. I looked up at it in awe, running my hands along the trunk. It was rough and pointy, wood chips falling off into my hands. The air was considerably cooler here than back in Brita. Wherever here was.

[all right. I like this scene with her discovering a tree for the first time. But, I think you could include more of her thoughts. I feel as though you are missing something here. I want to know what she is thinking about when she touches the tree for the first time!]

I looked back down at the amulet, trying to look for another image but the crystal was completely see through again. “Damn it,” I swore under my breath. “You took us all the way into the middle of nowhere and now you’re just abandoning us.”

Merlyn raised his eyebrows, “When you start talking to inanimate objects, I know we’re in trouble.”

“Shut up,” I ordered, slipping the jewel back under my clothes. “I know exactly where we’re going.”

“Uh huh,” he said, sarcasm positively dripping from his lips.

“Just follow me,” I said and set off into the woods in front of us. Merlyn sighed and followed, his shoes snapping the twigs that covered the forest floor. The sun peeked at us from above the canopy of leaves [comma] sending golden rays across the path. The speckled sunlight danced across the floor and with lack of better options or ideas [comma] I decided to follow the light. If Merlyn ever knew that I was chasing the sunrays [comma] he would have put me in a mental hospital right then and there. [do they have mental institutions in Brita?? I don't know but its such a modern phrase. You can keep it but it just struck me as odd.] Funny thing is that with his teleportation skills, he literally could have. [I like this line! *beams*]

I realized that we were going to run into a problem when the sunlight seemed to disappear. I kept walking in a straight line [comma] studying the forest floor for more of the rays [comma] when I realized that I no longer heard Merlyn’s crunching footsteps behind me. I turned, panic building in my chest. He stood yards away from me, rooted in place, staring up at the sky.

“Merlyn” I whispered urgently. “What are you doing?”

He said nothing, a dazed expression crossing his face. “Merlyn,” I called again, but he ignored me, his wide eyes focused above him. I ran over to him and grabbed his arm. His skin was hard and cold to the touch. His eyes were glassy. I pulled my hand away, stumbling back from him. He continued to stand there. I drew my knife, glancing from side to side. I stood up and looked around at the trees. A few of the leaves above me rustled and I stepped back, my heart pounding. I ducked behind a tree trunk, one that I could see Merlyn’s frozen frame from. I licked my lips, my palms sweaty against the cool metal of my blade. A dark shape began to form in the space next to Merlyn. It was made from black dust and it sparkled as it formed a large, cloaked figure. It was the same thing I had seen in the lodge. I swallowed hard, tensing my body as the misty being approached Merlyn.

Suddenly, a hand clamped around my mouth, pulling me down onto the forest floor. I tried to scream, but the hand was strong. “Don’t yell. If you do [comma] we’re both gone ["gone"?? Do you mean done?],” a man’s voice whispered urgently into my ear. I struggled again, trying to break free from the man’s hold. He pinned my arms behind my back.

“I’m not going to hurt you. Now stop moving. It’ll hear us,” he ordered. Yeah right, [thoughts in italics]I thought and kicked him in the shin. The man swore under his breath, but his hold didn’t loosen. “I should just let it have you,” he said. “But I’m too much of a gentleman to let that happen.” I rolled my eyes.

The black mist had now enveloped Merlyn. I watched in horror as slowly my friend’s form and the dust disappeared [you need to move "slowly" to a place between "dust" and "disappeared". So, it should read: I watched in horror as my friend's form and the dust slowly disappeared.]. A voice whispered in my ear, “Melody, melody, sweet song, we know you.” I shivered but as Merlyn faded away, I forgot the voice. I bit my captor’s hand. It did the trick. He released me, howling in pain. I dropped to the ground and rolled, standing up with my knife in hand. I reached the spot touching the ground for a sign of Merlyn.

“Merlyn,” I cried. “Merlyn.” My sobs echoed through the forest. I felt someone grab my arm and yank me up.

“There’s nothing we can do now. Just follow me. They’ll be back,” he glared at me. I looked down to see that his hand was bleeding. At least he knew better than to cover my mouth this time. I wiped my eyes, nodding. It wasn’t like there was anywhere else to go.

He set off down the path at a run and I chased after him. The air was cold, stinging my lungs as we raced away from the spot. My mind buzzed with thoughts of horror as I replayed Merlyn’s stony form disappearing into the darkness. I shivered, imagining the things it would do to him. Whatever it was. The man stopped in his tracks and I barreled into him.

He shot me an aggravated look. I challenged his glare, my emerald eyes glinting in the sun. He knelt down onto the ground and placed his hand under the leaves that coated the floor. I heard an audible click and the man pulled up a trapdoor.

“Get in,” he ordered. I hesitated, my hand resting nervously on my knife.

He sighed exasperated, “We don’t have much time.” Again I didn’t move. He shook his head and then disappeared down the hole. My ears pricked up. A noise, neither human nor animal echoed through the forest. The hairs on my arms prickled and I took a step towards the opening. A louder sound ripped through the air and I didn’t need any more convincing. I dove into the entrance, the door clicking shut behind me.

Scasha, this is getting better and BETTER! The more you write, the more I love this story. This ending was so GOOD!

Well, I'm not sure why I copied this whole story because all my corrections are punctuation. So, you have nothing to worry about.

You just have to keep up the good work and PM me when you post the fourth chapter! which is soon, I hope

Hey scasha, sorry I have been MIA for so long. I took a trip into the mountains and ended up staying MUCH longer than I had anticipated

Anyways, I finsished reading your 3rd installment but I am so famished right now that I am about to pass out! So I will write a full review tonight.

As always, it was a pleasure to read. I will have me next installment up by tonight as well (God willing).

Alright so here is your full review. Just wanted to say SPLENDID job. This is your best chapter yet. Congratulations on a job well done.

“What are you doing?” Merlyn shrieked, jumping to his feet.

I laughed so hard I can’t describe just how funny this line was for me to read. I have a friend like Merlyn and while most guys yell, he shrieks. Priceless.


I knew he was right.

Consider getting rid of this sentence or adding on to it. You have two four word sentences in a row. Plus this is a telling sentence not a showing one.



I could only see them.

Only I could see them.

His eyes widened and I looked up to see a massive tree towering above us. A tree! I had never seen one before. I looked up at it in awe, running my hands along the trunk. It was rough and pointy, wood chips falling off into my hands. The air was considerably cooler here than back in Brita. Wherever here was.

Expand this. How does she know what a tree is then? Perhaps say “I only had heard about these giant plants from…. So on and so forth.

we’re both gone

We’re both dead?


Again, EPIC. Love it. Great work. PM me when you are ready for chapter four cause I am anxiously awaiting the next chapter.

Thanks so much everyone!!! I'm glad you all enjoyed it.
I'll definitley fix all of your suggestions, chapter 4 will be up soon, I promise.

Hey scasha, I just wanted you to know that I reread this piece and I had just a few little things I would change quickly.

He sighed exasperated, “We don’t have much time.” Again I didn’t move. He shook his head and then disappeared down the hole. My ears pricked up. A noise, neither human nor animal echoed through the forest. The hairs on my arms prickled and I took a step towards the opening. A louder sound ripped through the air and I didn’t need any more convincing. I dove into the entrance, the door clicking shut behind me.

Try changing this a little. I think it would work better if you say, "The sound grew louder, eventually crecendoing (spelling?) in the branches above my head. I didn't need any more convincing."

I challenged his glare, my emerald eyes glinting in the sun. He knelt down onto the ground and placed his hand under the leaves that coated the floor. I heard an audible click and the man pulled up a trapdoor.

Just a suggestion, but maybe describe the stranger's eyes a little. Instead of saying "my elmerald eyes glinging in the sun" say "My emerald eyes held his frosty gaze. He shook his head in disgust before disappearing down the hole.

Or maybe say the color of his eyes. Like, "I could see my emerald eyes in his (color) eyes. (description) I knew he wasn't going to back down.

Otherwise, like I said before, it is very exceptional. I will have part 2 for my story up when I get home from work.

This third chapter was very good. Even better than the last two. I didn't see any grammar mistakes in this chapter so you are doing good on that. I do want to say that I think the story is moving a little fast and it is kind of hard to keep track of what is going on. I thought it was interesting that Melody had never seen a tree before.


Great job and I'm off to read the fourth chapter right now!