Angels Really Do Exsist Chapter 1 Revised

I fixed this chappie. Tell me what ya think!


Chapter 1 revised
“Hey Sandi, hand me another,” I slurred, as I reached my hand out to her. She thrust another beer at me and I quickly gulped it. The cool, pungent liquid slid down my throat.

Music blared through giant speakers set in the corner of the room. High school students were sprawled on couches, floors, and table tops. The ones that weren’t stoned sat on chairs, staring into space.

I was one of the few that hadn’t become wasted yet. I could feel myself getting there, but I was still sober enough to think. My friends, Sandi and Michael, were making out next to me, groaning and moaning. I scooted away from them.

Slipping down from my chair, I headed toward the bathroom. My stomach churned at the movement, but I plundered on.

I twisted the doorknob and stepped inside.

The bathroom smelled of vomit and something extremely sweet. I knew that scent and my mouth watered. Someone was lucky enough to have some dope with them.

I hobbled to the rusty counter and stared at my reflection. Long, wavy brown hair fell into my pale, angled face. Pink blush made my sunken cheeks look rosy. My eyes had light, purple bags under them. The little sleep I had gotten over the past few days had taken its toll on me.

I brushed some bangs back from my face with a bony, chipped nail polish finger. My green eyes stared back at me looking for some hope. I had none.

I was a sad case. My boyfriend had just broke up with me, my father left town to do who knows what, I was left at home with nothing to eat, and a close friend of mine had died.

Holly. Why did she have to die? She was the only one that understood me, that cared for me. The only one that tried to help.

The hate bubbled up inside of me and the terror of that night came flooded my mind. I tried to push it back. I couldn’t think of her now. I was trying to forget all the hurtful memories.

But, once again, I failed at pushing the memory back.

“Dad, please don’t leave.”

“Why should you give a shit? It’s not your life!” he yelled at me.

“But, but…I need money.” I pleaded.

“What, to go buy more drugs for yourself? To fucking party all day long? No, I don’t think so!”

“No, Dad! I need it for food! You can’t fucking make me starve! I need money!”

“I don’t give a damn. I’m leaving today and you’re not going to make a fucking scene! You hear me!” His hand came down hard on my face.

“Dad…” I sobbed. But he was already up the stairs.

“Hey, Marie! You home?!” Holly yelled as she knocked on the door.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my long sleeved shirt and jumped up from the floor.

I flung open the door and stared at my friend.

“What happened?” she whispered, as she slung her arm around my shoulder. Her calming voice soothing me a little.

We walked into the living room and sat down on the 80’s styled couch. Her tan hand brushed my face and I winced. “Sorry.”

I looked down at my hands. “What happened?” she asked again, concern etching her voice.

“I…I needed some money. For food…and…” I was suddenly cut off.

“Marie!” I shuddered in fear at my dad’s voice. It was dripping with pure hatred.

He thundered down the stairs and stepped in front of Holly and me. He glanced at Holly and then glared at me.

“I see you were going to confide in your friend. I’m sure she wants to know what happened to your face.” My eyes widened in horror.

“Well, go ahead and tell her! I’m sure she cares more about you than me!”

I turned my horror stricken face towards Holly.

“Leave. Leave now. He’s going to do something horrible. I just know it.” My voice trembled as I whispered.

She looked at me then at my father.

“No. I’m not leaving you. Let’s try to talk with your dad.” she said.

“This doesn’t sound like you’re telling her about what I did!” My dad hollered.

“Why are you here?!” he screamed at Holly, anger passing across his face.

“I came to see my friend.” she said firmly.

“You came to see your friend…Your friend! Ha, this must be a joke. Marie has no friends. She’s a loser and a bitch. Why don’t you get out of here now?!”

“No.” She placed an arm around my waist and looked at my father with hatred.

“No one tells me no!” My father raged as he yanked Holly’s shiny red hair.

“Leave now bitch or I’ll make you leave!” he screeched in her ear.

“No!” she sobbed, fear creeping into her voice.

“Holly! Please!” I screamed. She looked at me and her eyes conveyed that she was staying, that she was standing up for her friend and wasn’t going to let her die.

“No.” I whispered.

My father’s hand crashed against the side of her head. He flung her across the room and stalked after her.

Holly made no noise as he rained punches on her chest and face.

‘No, no, no.’ I kept thinking over and over. This wasn’t supposed to happen to my only true friend.

I got up and grabbed a lamp that was nearby. I stepped behind my father and crashed it down on his back.

Before I knew what happened, a fist collided with my face and I was knocked to the floor. Stars erupted in front of my eyes and I began to feel dizzy. The last thing I remembered was a scream of pain and anguish.


I didn’t know how long I lay there. I could smell the blood and taste it on my lips.

I slowly opened my eyes and took in the scene before me.

The whole living room was a mess. Blood was splattered on the walls, carpet, and furniture. Objects lay in ruins everywhere and glass littered the ground.

I scanned the room for Holly and what I saw made my heart clench.

“No! No, no, no…” I crawled over to her crumpled form. I took her cold hand in mine and held it to my chest.

“No!” I cried. She couldn’t be dead. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was the one that should be in her place.

“No…”

wow. this is really good

just a few nitpicks:

I was one of the few that hadn’t become maybe gotten is better wasted yet. I could feel myself getting there, but I was still sober enough to think. My friends, Sandi and Michael, were making out next to me, groaning and moaning. I scooted away from them.

Slipping down from my chair, I headed toward the bathroom. My stomach churned at the movement, but I plundered you could use a better verb here, to plunder means to steal on.
---
I hobbled to the rusty counter and stared at my reflection. Long, wavy brown hair fell into my pale, angled face. Pink blush made my sunken cheeks look rosy. My eyes had light, take out the comma purple bags under them. The little sleep I had gotten over the past few days had taken its toll on me.

I brushed some bangs back from my face with a bony, chipped nail polish finger. My green eyes stared back at me looking for some hope. I had none.

I was a sad case. My boyfriend had just broke should be broken up with me, my father left town to do who knows what, I was left at home with nothing to eat, and a close friend of mine had died.

i like it, though, even though it's really sad

Keep it up!
<3s, Izzy

This is a massive improvement! Good job! Content-wise, I love what you did with the flashback sequence. Marie's personality is also obvious and critical from the start of the piece, so that's another thing you improved very well on. I personally feel like I, as the reader, want to know what happens to Marie from the beginning.

When you get to dialogue in the flashback sequence, you don't really have a lot of "he said, she said," but rather just the dialogue which leaves the reader to infer which character is speaking based on the content. This isn't necessarily bad, but the dialogue seems very naked and more suitable for a screen-play than a novel without the "he said, she said" accompanying it. This is just my opinion though.

Also, try to avoid reusing the word "hate" or any form of it over and over again. You do that various times in this passage. Synonyms like "detest" or "disdain" might be considered for replacement if you'd like.

Specific Technical fixes:

“Dad…” I sobbed. But he was already up the stairs.

Combine these two sentences into one with a comma to fix the dependent phrase from being off by itself.

He thundered down the stairs and stepped in front of Holly and me. He glanced at Holly and then glared at me.

This is very repetitive. Maybe you should change the last sentence to describe his glare and address Holly and yourself collectively as "us."

"The glare he gave us...etc."

...anger passing across his face.

We already know he's angry, so this implies that he's momentarily not angry and then a brief flash of his rage returns.

Pure awesomeness! Take care!

My first thoughts on this piece is that it is both well-written and hauntingly realistic.

“Hey Sandi, hand me another,” I slurred, as I reached my hand out to her. She thrust another beer at me and I quickly gulped it. The cool, pungent liquid slid down my throat.

I like how you started the story off, and the quality of description you gave to it. Also, it was interesting how you went back and described how Marie got into her horrible situation.

The bathroom smelled of vomit and something extremely sweet. I knew that scent and my mouth watered. Someone was lucky enough to have some dope with them.

Disgusting! But you got my reaction

As depressing as it was, I thought this was very good. Thanks for giving me a good read!